Monday, July 29, 2013

Avoiding the Chicken Little Syndrome: The Sky Is Not Falling


Noah didn’t expect the rain, but the heavens opened and water surged from below, obliterating every living thing on the planet. However, the rainbow came afterward, proving that God would never destroy the earth again with a flood.
            More than a reminder for Noah’s time, the rainbow is also sign for us today that as bad as things may get, they don’t necessarily have to get worse. And while catastrophes do happen—whether natural disasters or those created by humans—our mind doesn’t have to immediately jump to the conclusion that the sky will fall. 
This sort of behavior is known as catastrophizing. The mind leaps to believe something far from the best. Disaster appears to lie just around the corner. Psychologist Albert Ellis calls it “awfulizing,” because the individuals involved imagine a consequence so awful that they will not be able to stand it. But by any name, this is easy to do.
God’s people should not live this way. So why do they?  
Unfortunately, the tendency to think the worst affects us all. No one is better than we are individually to make our own predictions come true.
Thinking the worst can bring the disaster you fear in subtle ways. Chicken Little is the perfect example because after the acorn fell from the tree, he went forth to spread the alarm.
In fact, he was so unnerved by his belief that he couldn’t manage to do anything more functional than run around and panic. Chicken Little wasn’t merely worried, he was terrified—because he was convinced not only that he was faced with imminent disaster but also that there was nothing he could do about it.
There are all sorts of situations in which it is easy enough to lose your cool. Remember the mother in the previous chapter who was convinced her children were kidnapped or killed because they failed to contact her?
The kids were not home on time. Mom said to herself: They’ve been killed. They’ve been kidnapped. Her heart started pumping wildly. She was so panicky, she couldn’t even call or text them.
Or consider Ralph, who was driving to an important job interview, praying that he would say the right things and make a good impression. But then he took a wrong turn and realized he would be late. I’ve blown it, he said to himself. Now I’ll never get that job. He was so upset about losing the job that he wasn’t concentrating fully on driving. As a result, he missed a turn that would have gotten him back on the right road.
Sometimes the end result to the Chicken Little syndrome is not just missing a turn but failing to look for one. A common tendency of those who believe that disaster is unavoidable is to simply give up—to make no effort to resolve the problem. After all, if you have concluded there is nothing you can do, then it follows, you will probably do nothing:
·      
       Emily has mislaid a report she knows would be very helpful in a meeting that is scheduled for today. Lord, help me find it. No, wait, I must have thrown it away, she thinks. It’s just like me to throw away something important. No use looking for it. I’ll never find it.
·     
       Joe is laid off from this job and knows that he’ll never find another. He sends out a few resumes and hears nothing. That proves his point. It’s hopeless, he says to himself. God obviously doesn’t love me. A friend hears of an opening and tells him about it. “They’d never want me,” Joe tells his friend, and doesn’t bother to call.
·          
              Marcia turns down a friend’s invitation to join a committee at church because she is positive no one will listen to her, rejecting any ideas she has to offer. So instead she stays home and feels sorry for herself. If Marcia does not join the committee, she will avoid the humiliation of being rejected—but she will also eliminate the possibility of making an impact for God and church members. And she certainly isn’t having a good time at home if she fills her hours with self-pity.

            This sort of thing happens all the time. For example, take Mark, an associate pastor who has been asked by the elders’ board to become senior pastor after the senior took another position elsewhere. Mark is ordinarily self-confident about his abilities to speak in front of various groups in the church. But the thought of standing in front of the entire congregation, in the sanctuary, on a Sunday morning turns him into walking Jell-O. He has never preached a sermon to everyone before, and he is sure he will flub it. But the elders insist that he give it a try, and after praying about it, Mark thinks God may be telling him to go for it.
            Mark has spent all week preparing and practicing his message, in the privacy of his office, but as he is ready to step to the podium, a series of horrible scenes fly through his mind:
The microphone won’t work.
I’ll get upset and lose my place.
Which will cause me to stutter.
                                                Then I’ll get it all messed up.
And everyone will laugh at me.
That will make the elders furious
I can forget any hopes of getting this job.
I’ll be lucky if I keep my current job.
I’ll be destroyed.

In a matter of seconds, Mark has both written a script for disaster and convinced himself it is inevitable. No wonder, then, by the time he opens his mouth to speak, his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth, his palms are sweaty, his knees are knocking, and his voice is wobbly. He does stutter. He does lose his place. I knew it, he says to himself miserably. More accurately, he caused it by falling victim the Chicken Little syndrome.
Why couldn’t Mark trust God in this situation? A stronger, more mature Christian leader would have been able to conquer his fears and not messed up.
The Bible says to not be anxious about anything but to pray about everything, and you will have peace. Apparently, Mark doesn’t have enough faith, and the elders should look elsewhere. And on and on, the self-righteous self-talk goes amongst many believers. However, a closer, more honest examination by any of us would quickly put self-righteous statements like the ones above to rest. Who hasn’t at one time or another taken a single piece of evidence and magnified the negative consequences of it? This is what we common refer to as making a mountain out of a molehill.
We are all guilty of it. But we don’t have to be in bondage to it if we can learn—through God’s help and the principles of CBT—to become more realistic thinkers who can recognize danger and suffer disappointment without automatically assuming there is nothing we can do to improve things.
If you recognize that, in the past, you have fallen victim to the Chicken Little syndrome, it’s likely that you start out with a heightened awareness of the fact that terrible things do happen. That may simply be part of the way you view the world. Chicken Little may have been convinced by a source he found credible that under certain circumstances the sky really could fall. That thought is tucked away in his brain. Then something happens (the acorn) to release that thought. This release doesn’t happen all at once. As psychiatrist Dr. Aaron T. Beck discovered in his groundbreaking research, what happens is that you quite literally talk yourself into that worst conclusion.
Take Mark, the associate pastor, for example. Somewhere in the back of his mind is the view that it is possible for him to be denied a job because of one mistake. That is not what he is thinking about, however, when he first approaches the podium. He starts out merely being concerned about whether the microphone will work. But that thought, like the acorn, is enough to trigger the next thought (that he’ll get upset and lost his place), which leads to the next thought and the next and the next, until Mark can actually visualize himself having no chance whatsoever of getting the job.
Mark is not aware that he is quite literally persuading himself that a disaster is about to befall him. His internal conversation takes place not in minutes but in seconds, maybe even milliseconds. His thoughts fly through his mind so quickly that each individual thought is barely noticed. Dr. Beck calls these quick-flying thoughts, “automatic thoughts.” We all have them.
Automatic thoughts are perfectly normal. Most people have a constant stream of thoughts running through their minds. They might merely be quick little daydreams that have nothing to do with the task at hand. Sorry, my mind was drifting, you might say. Or those thoughts might be critical to accomplishing the task at hand. Running quickly through a catalog of thoughts is necessary in any decision-making process. Should I do this . . . or that? you ask yourself. You mull over the reasons for one choice or another before deciding what to do.
But because your thoughts—whether positive or negative—have a profound effect on what you do, there are times when it is vital to make yourself consciously aware of precisely what you are thinking. You can easily replay the tape of your thoughts if you concentrate on doing so. When you review the thoughts that led to your conclusion, you give yourself a chance to evaluate their accuracy. You can even challenge your own thoughts just as you might challenge someone who tells you that the world will end in 20 minutes, with Jesus coming in on the clouds (Are you sure? How do you know that? Why should I believe you?)
Learning how to challenge a conclusion to which your brain has leaped will help you to recognize when that conclusion is unjustified by facts. Learning how to argue with your automatic thoughts will help you avoid those self-fulfilling prophecies of disaster and enable you to cope—realistically—with upsetting situations. Obviously, you can’t always keep bad things from happening, but you can make sure that you not read more into them than they actually mean. Or to put it in Chicken Little terms, you may not be able to prevent  an acorn from falling on your head, but you can prevent the pain, panic, and self-fulfilling prophecies that might result if you simply jump to the conclusion that the bump on your head means the sky is caving in.
This does not mean analyzing everything you do. Rather, it is a technique to be called on when you are facing a stressful situation and thus are most likely to rush into mistaken reasoning.
If you were a munitions expert called on to defuse a bomb, you would want to concentrate all your attention on that delicate task in which you are engaged. But you wouldn’t have to be equally intense later while having lunch or shopping in the supermarket. The point here is to develop your skills so that you can call on it when you need it. Life has a way of producing lots of emotional bombs that need defusing.

Defuse them through examining your thinking. It’s what God wants for all believers, whether more mature or newer to the faith.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Faces of Fear


One of the biggest hindrances humans commonly face is fear, yet no other time in history have we been more safe. Compared to 100 years ago or currently in many other countries, Westerners have never been more protected from disease, famine and war. We don't worry about a bear attacking us as we stroll through the Forest Preserves nor does it cross our mind that our car will ambushed by bandits. We don't think about being murdered because of conflict between our clan and another.  We in the modern western world have so much technology, security, experts, and opportunities to help us live very comfortable lives, yet now more than ever, we are overcome with fear.

At times, fear and anxiety rob us of desire and push us to focus primarily on our faults. This fault-focused lifestyle promotes disinterest in everything that doesn't feel safe, yet it's often expressed in ways we don't typically imagine it would. For instance, one who is struggling with their physical fitness might dismiss physical achievements such as; running a marathon, climbing El Capitan, or completing an Ironman as a useless waste of time. Other achievements such as going back to school for mental gratification or seeking out counseling for emotional stability are perceived in the same way.

Fear isn't always hostile towards things that better ourselves. It can also be completely debilitating. This sort of fear is always repeating, "You never can ____." "That would be impossible for a person like you." It's the voice in your head that encourages you to never take a risk, never change the status quo, to turn off the alarm and pull the covers back over your head.
A third way that fear can manifest is through control.  We can have the tendency to imagine the worst case scenario for many of life's situations.  Children growing up to be delinquents, spouse cheating on spouse or becoming financially unstable.  To avoid the worst case scenario, some overcompensate with control; enforcing strict and rigid rules on a child, becoming untrusting of a spouse or penny pinching to the detriment of a social life.

What is your biggest fear? Are you able to identify it? What sort of steps are you taking to overcome it?

There is no better time than now to change the course of your life, and it starts with putting fear in its place!


Monday, July 15, 2013

The Marriage Mess


   There was an old episode of “The Dick Van Dyke” show where Rob, the main character is trying to get married and he keeps saying “I Do?” ---- “I Don’t?”  Note the question marks.  Ends up Rob is sick with a severe case of bronchitis and can’t hear because his ears are all plug up.  Nowadays it seems like that is how marriage works, minus the bronchitis…”I do” followed by “I don’t.”  It’s as if we’ve forgotten the true nature and meaning of wedding vows.  Now they may vary slightly but the traditional vows are as follows:

   "I, [speaker's name], take you, [partner's name] for my lawful [wife/husband], to have and to hold, from this day forward, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and therefore I pledge thee my faith."

   It’s as if we’ve forgotten or choose to forget the, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or in health…till we are parted by death.  We’ve chosen to reword the wedding vows. They tend to sound something like this:

   I, [speaker’s name], take you [partner’s name] for my lawful [husband/wife], to have and to hold, from this day forward or until I deem that I no longer love you, you change in any way that I don’t like or you lose your current financial status or health.  I then reserve the right to terminate this commitment.

   What Christians sometimes do not understand is that marriage is a covenant (Malachi 2:14); it is more than just a commitment.  It is a covenant between husband and wife that says I take you and I pledge before God and these witnesses.  It is not a covenant to be broken or taken lightly.  Having said that it is certainly not always easy to live marriage out especially when the worse, the poorer or the sickness creeps up. 

   What do we do?  Well here are a few things I’ve seen that can help couples keep their covenant    

1) Know that what you have committed to is a covenant just like the covenants God made to Noah, Moses, Abraham and David.


2)  Remember that we are to serve one another (Galatians 5:13, 1 Peter 4:10).  

   We often start relationships with the expectation of, “What are you going to do for me?”  This is not all bad but if we get stuck there, trouble brews.  We are called to serve and if each partner was serving each other, imagine the kind of relationship that could be built.  If both partners were considering the other’s need and serving each other, paradoxically, each of their needs would be met.

3) Be honest and take responsibility for yourself, your actions, thoughts and choices.  

   We live in a world where our default mode is to blame the other person.  Pointing fingers only usually leads to circular arguments that do not get resolved and have potential to become damaging.

4) Remember that we are also called to love each other, love our neighbors and love our enemies.  

   This kind of love is not solely the romantic or “you are so great!” kind of love.  God calls us to love Him and then each other.  Loving others including your spouse is more of an action than a feeling.  We love well through our body language, the words we use and the tone in which these words are spoken.  Love is patient, kind, not envious or boastful, irritable, resentful or self-serving.  Love comes with healthy boundaries. We are not to be walked on or injured, but we are called to this kind of love action, even when our spouse is the enemy and at times they may be.

5) And lastly…Forbearance: refraining from enforcing what you think your spouse has coming.  

   Lack of forbearance magnifies tension and conflict; it builds walls in a marriage and makes us petty and peevish, it ultimately can sever the relationship. According to Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh Demoss, “Exercising forbearance in minor matters is important practice for extending forgiveness in the bigger issues.”  She feels that many conflicts and issues that arise in a marriage could be averted, including divorce, if forbearance was practiced within the marriage.  

   Forbearance is a by-product of love, the kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13:5-7, 

It [love] does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


   Relationships are messy, including marriage.  We have sold out to the happily ever after ending and when it doesn’t happen, we get on our white horse and gallop away.  As messy as they can be…marriage is a beautiful mess.  It is a place of safety, a place to love and be loved.  Marriage is the kind of relationship that often can bring out the worst in us but it allows God to make the best of us.  Happily ever after is loving with all your heart and knowing that you are truly loved… for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death does part you.


Monday, July 1, 2013

Navigating Adolescent Parenting


If I were to ask you what your most difficult age in life was, what would your answer be? I think for many of us the answer would be the adolescent years (many developmental theorists define as about age 11 through early to mid-20’s). So much is happening in that time of life. Let’s go back and imagine it. You’re not a child anymore, but not yet an adult. In some ways you’re still treated like a child, while in other areas you are expected to act like an adult. You have the pressure of figuring out what you’ll do after high school; if you’ll go to college or start working. You’re trying to fit in and there are always those you don’t fit in with who seem to make life difficult. Whether you realize it or not, you’re trying to become your own person – trying on different “selves” in different situations, trying different activities and groups of peers, figuring out what it is to be in romantic relationships and navigating all that goes with that, trying to become distinct from your parents and still be in relationship with them (which causes great tension that you don’t understand!), asking who you are and who you are going to be, what you believe, what your values are, and figuring out where your worth comes from. Whew! Exhausting!  

Aren’t you glad that time in life is over?!

Probably the next most difficult time in life is being the parent of an adolescent. You were at one time an adolescent, but your adolescent doesn’t seem to believe that is really possible – or at least believes back then was so different you can’t possibly understand what they’re experiencing now. And let’s be honest, the frontal lobe of your brain is now fully developed (the frontal lobe is where executive decision making happens and it finishes developing around the age of 25), so sometimes you really don’t understand some of the illogical things your adolescent does, even if you know you did some illogical things as an adolescent, too. Why on earth would it be funny to take the glass table top off a patio table and throw it in a pond? Their frontal lobes aren’t fully developed yet, so sometimes they don’t make the most logical decisions. You see your adolescent not always making the most logical decisions and fear grips you – he/she might do something harmful to self or others, his/her groups of peers might do something harmful or cause your adolescent to compromise values you’ve tried to instill, he/she might not be as aware of surroundings and something harmful can happen. Sometimes those things do happen (usually in small ways that feel gigantic to you) and you feel guilty you weren’t there to protect, that you must not have done as good of a job as you thought at instilling values, and feel guilt from others questioning your parenting and personhood because of what happened. You see your adolescent wanting more time with friends and more time alone and may feel rejected, not to mention this increases the fear that you don’t know him/her as well or have as much influence. You want him/her to become a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, responsible adult able to contribute to society and are trying to help him/her figure out who he/she is and mature so that this is possible. Whew! Exhausting! 

When will this time in life be over?!

So, now the question is, how do you navigate this time in life? One way is to find what the basic needs displayed in each of the above paragraphs and how those needs can be met. What needs do you have as a parent and what needs does your adolescent have? Below are basic needs and you can use this list as a starting point to think of additional ones specific to you and your adolescent. It strikes me how the experience of the adolescent and the experience of the parent are interrelated. The experience of the adolescent affects the parent and the experience of the parent affects the adolescent and vice versa.

1. The parent needs to know the adolescent is safe. The adolescent needs to individuate by bonding more with peers and experiencing new things. You sense your adolescent distancing himself/herself from you and spending more time alone and with friends and worry about safety, including the influences he/she is experiencing. Your adolescent needs to develop a sense of self-distinction from you while staying attached to you. This includes needing to spend more time alone and with friends and trying new things.

Remind yourself that you still do have influence, and that it is important for your adolescent to experience other influences. Discuss boundaries that allow for your need for safety to be met while still allowing for your adolescent’s need for exploration and bonding with peers to be met. Discuss how to speak up for oneself and basic safety skills. Be a safe place for your adolescent to come to when something he/she is unsure of does happen or when he/she does do something that is outside the boundaries. This means listening, reflecting, and being understanding of his/her experience and then calmly discussing what needs to happen if a boundary was intentionally crossed.

2. The parent needs to know he/she is still connected to the adolescent. The adolescent needs to individuate by spending more time with peers and alone. The appearance of this is the same as number one, but the heart of it is about relationships rather than safety/influence. You need to know that you still have a relationship with the adolescent, but often it feels as if the relationship is slipping away because your adolescent is spending more time alone and with peers in order to find and establish who he/she is as a person distinct from you.

Remind yourself that you still matter and do still have relationship with your adolescent; it simply looks different than it did when he/she was a child. The quantity of time together may decrease (or at least may wax and wane), but you can increase the quality of time that you do spend together. Listen for what is going on in your adolescent’s life and engage in conversation about it when he/she is open for conversation. If he/she starts to express frustration that you don’t understand, explain that it might not make sense to you, but that you want to hear about it because you care about him/her. When possible, do things with the adolescent individually that he/she enjoys as well as having times that you can do things as a family. In between those times, give space to be alone and with friends.

3. The parent wants to be respected and appreciated. The adolescent wants to be trusted and affirmed. You have done a lot for your adolescent. You were everything and did everything for him/her during infancy through childhood while allowing him/her to try new things and increase responsibility along the way. You still do so much and are trying to understand where the adolescent is and what he/she needs while trying to meet those needs and it is difficult. Sure, mistakes have been made, but overall you are doing a great job in a difficult time. You want all you do and experience and your position of parenthood to be respected and appreciated. The adolescent has grown up a lot while taking on new responsibilities and is still growing. 

Sure, mistakes have been made, but overall he/she is doing a great job in a difficult time. Your adolescent wants to be trusted and wants you to affirm the good and growth in him/her.

Remind yourself that you are respected and appreciated; it simply isn’t always expressed. Remember the adolescent is learning how to form a solid sense of self-distinction from you – learning how to say what he/she thinks, feels, needs and wants. Often this is said with strong emotion that appears disrespectful or unappreciative, but in reality is not intended to be. Often in these situations the adolescent is actually expressing something related to wanting you to trust and/or affirm him/her because it doesn’t feel like you are to him/her.  Calmly reflect what you hear being said and if possible also reflect the emotions being expressed by asking if that is what was being said. You can then state your position and can determine if there can be compromise or not. Be watching for opportunities to affirm growth and character.


By recognizing your needs and your adolescent’s needs, you actually accomplish meeting both. When you discuss boundaries but allow time with peers and new experiences, you make room for healthy individuation for your adolescent while still keeping him/her safe and maintaining your influence. At the same time, when you allow your adolescent to bond with peers and have time alone while making time you have together quality time, you facilitate your relationship with your adolescent and (again) make room for healthy individuation for your adolescent. As you display trust and affirm growth and character in your adolescent (reminding yourself your adolescent does respect and appreciate you even when it doesn’t feel like it) when this time period is finished you will find you are respected and appreciated and your adolescent will have become a distinct adult individual who maintains a solid relationship with you.