Loneliness

Hello Everyone!  This week we have another great article for you, this one is on the topic of loneliness.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this particular article.  She does a great job explaining the problems that can arise if one were to stay lonely for a long period of time as well as how we are faced with loneliness today in a world of false connections.  Here is what Cindy has to say:

Researchers suggest that loneliness is becoming more common in the United States. In 1984, a poll showed that respondents most frequently reported having three close confidants, compared to the same poll taken in 2004, where the most common response was zero confidants. This appears to be an unfortunate trend.  Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but rather the quality, having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind.

“No man is an island.”  Sound familiar?  I was just watching a movie where the author of this was quoted as Jon Bon Jovi!  How funny is that?  The actual author is John Donne.  It is not just a quote, but also a poem.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine  own were; any man's death diminishes me,  because I am involved in mankind.  And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.  

In today’s world it sometimes feels like this statement has no place.  I mean we live in a world where we could hold up in our home by ourselves indefinitely.  Quite frankly we already may be living this way.

Independence is valued.  Strength in ourselves is rewarded.  We are taught these characteristics from a young age and it continues through our lifetime.  There is only one problem with this type of teaching.  We weren’t made to be completely independent, an island on our own.  We were meant to be in relationship with others and to be interdependent or as Dunne says, “a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

The result of being an island on your own can often result in loneliness and isolation.  We live hectic busy lifestyles that do not allow the needed time to devote to our personal relationships. Technology gives us the illusion, that we are “in” relationship with people, we text, tweet, instagram and Facebook, which in and of themselves can be means of communication but they can’t be our only means.  No one just drops by anymore, in fact that may be seem as rude or an intrusion.  

So what to you think?  Is no man an island to himself or is man an island to himself?  It is a real question to consider.  In the movie “About A Boy,” Hugh Grant portrays a character that believes he is an island to himself and in the beginning of the movie appears to be quite happy with this lifestyle.  He says, “All men are islands and this is the time to be one.  You used to have to depend on others but now you can make your own island paradise,” but upon meeting a young boy his life begins to change.  Slowly, Grant’s character, Will, begins to be pulled towards relationships, out of isolation and self-centeredness.  

Will didn’t see a need for others; in fact he believes them to be a liability.  If a man is an island then you can visit but certainly not move to his island.  He believes himself to be happy and content, but what about lonely?  I think that would have been a good question.  The movie doesn’t specifically address the term loneliness but at the end of the movie, clearly Will begins to see the need for others in his life.  He gives in to that natural homing device God has placed in all of us, that device that gets activated at one point or another, and once it gets turned on nothing appears the same.  We yearn and long for relationship, for community, to be part of something or someone.

At the end of the movie Will says, “Every man is an island, but clearly some men are part of island chains, below the surface of the ocean they are actually connected.”  It reminds me of Dunne’s poem, “Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  It also reminds me that in the beginning scripture tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”  God was not just specifically talking about Adam, but mankind as well, human beings are not meant to be alone, to be islands unto themselves, but as Will stated, and Dunn as well, “part of island chains, a piece of the continent.” 

If we are not “part of something” we run the risk of being lonely, and “part of something” is more then what technology offers us.  Part of something means part of someone else’s life.  People who know us and care.  People we hang out with beyond our smartphones.

Loneliness does not just affect our mental health. Chicago author and psychologist, John Cacioppo said that loneliness effects both our physical and mental health:

• Depression and suicide
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Increased stress levels
• Decreased memory and learning
• Antisocial behavior
• Poor decision-making
• Alcoholism and drug abuse
• The progression of Alzheimer's disease
• Altered brain function

If you find yourself feeling lonely, know that it is a red flag that says something may need to change or if you think you are an island unto yourself I encourage you to rethink that mind set.  Some changes that you can take are and question you might want to ask are:

1. Not replacing real face-to-face friends exclusively with technological friends, i.e.: Facebook, text, etc.
2. Make time to meet with people and call them to talk.
3. Begin to process what interdependent means for your life.  Do you even agree with interdependence versus independence?  What would it mean for you not to be totally independent?
4. Talk with someone you trust or consult a therapist regarding the changes you would like to see in your life.
5. Focus on developing quality relationships with like-minded people.
6. Lonely people often expect to be rejected.  Focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.  

Remember that change does not happen over night and everyone does feel lonely from time to time, even those who are not “island unto themselves.”  It is not about ridding loneliness completely from our lives, but rather making healthy changes and experiencing quality relationships in our lives.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Anxiety and Mistrust in Marriage

Welcome to this weeks article!  We are glad you decided to see what we have in store for you this week.  There is no doubt that a vast number of couple are struggling with their marriages.  Some have been struggling for many, many years.  I'm excited to bring you this great article by Michael Angelo, who explores with us the detrimental impact of anxiety in a marriage.  Here is what he has to say:

Writing about anxiety, St. Francis de Sales, in his Introduction to the Devout Life, said that anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall us except sin. Anxiety is a complex and powerful emotion that arises from many sources, including the loss of a person’s ability to trust or feel safe; intense worries; an excessive sense of responsibility; weaknesses in confidence; guilt; modeling after an insecure or anxious parent; and biological factors. As trust and confidence decrease, anxiety and fear regularly intensify. When this happens, it becomes increasingly easy to react to others in anger. Out of this anger comes sin. There is no exception to this.

Anger expressed inappropriately is sin. I doubt that St. Francis’ would argue about this with me. How could he when God clearly states in Philippians 4:6-7 that we should not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, we are commanded to present our requests to God? In doing so, we can find a peace that transcends all understanding, as God guards our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

We put our trust in God. Not doing so makes us no better than the Israelites, who chose to worry, complain, and rebel against the very one whom said he would take them into the Promised Land, in confidence and peace.

Couples should take note of this before they decide to lash out at each other in the heat of the moment, saying things they are later going to regret. Instead, they should trust that God will help them navigate through their issue, through the “desert” of their feelings toward each other. 

This sounds great in theory. But often couples can’t stop themselves from fighting. Richard P. Fitzgibbons, author of Anxiety and Mistrust in Marriage, said it is due to their upbringing.

“Not infrequently, family-of-origin mistrust, particularly from hurts in the father relationship, can unconsciously emerge after being buried for years or even decades and be directed at a completely trustworthy spouse, with severely damaging consequences,” Fitzgibbons said. “The spouse with such a father-wound experiences the loss of a feeling of love for his or her spouse and anger that is really meant for the father but is misdirected.”

Fitzgibbons asks us to consider Sue, a 33-year-old attractive female and married mother of three, who struggled with anxiety symptoms that seriously interfered with her life. She attributed her anxiety to feeling overwhelmed by her responsibilities and lack of support from her husband. 

Sue’s husband’s demanding career resulted in his frequent absence from dinners and travel that kept him away from home several nights each month. She missed his comforting presence, particularly at night, and did not feel enough support in the care of the children and the home. 

“Sue made attempts to seek more balance in her life, to let go of her excessive sense of responsibility, and to determine if her husband could make changes in his work schedule in order to be more present to her and the children,” Fitzgibbons said. “But it wasn’t until Sue explored other sources of anxiety from the past that she came to realize that her family background contributed to her anxiety.”

Sue’s parents divorced when she was 11 years old. It seriously wounded her safe feeling and unconsciously led her to overreact in anxiety, Fitzgibbons said. 

Sue discovered a strong fear that her marriage might also end. In therapy she was surprised to discover significant amounts of unresolved anger with her father whom she viewed as being responsible for the parental divorce because of his selfish behaviors. “She decided to work at forgiving him in order to resolve the pain from her past that was leading her to overreact emotionally,” Fitzgibbons said. “Sue experienced emotional relief and growth in her ability to trust as she worked at forgiving her father.”

Addressing Sue’s emotional pain from her parent’s divorce and her husband’s travel greatly diminished her anxiety, according to Fitzgibbons. Also, she discovered that her faith was beneficial as she began to meditate more upon the Lord’s loving presence with her and upon trusting him with her burdens and fears. As Fitzgibbons described in his book, a number of research studies have proven empirically in the benefits of faith in the treatment of anxiety disorders.

For example, in a survey of 37,000 men and women who attend church, synagogue, or other religious services, the higher the worship frequency, the lower the prevalence of depression, mania, and panic disorder, according to Marilyn Baetz, MD, of the University of Saskatchewan, in Canada. 

Also, in a systematic review of 850 studies the majority of well-conducted research found that higher levels of religious involvement were positively associated with indicators of psychological well-being, life satisfaction, happiness, positive affect, and with less depression, suicidal thoughts and behavior, drug/alcohol abuse. Is this any surprise given the amount of anxiety—and dysfunction—stress can cause in people and their relationships? 

Anxiety within spouses, marriages, families and communities has increased significantly in recent years due to an epidemic of defaults on mortgages and bankruptcies, massive layoffs, severe banking difficulties, pay reductions and furloughs, major losses in retirement accounts and great difficulty in keeping up with the bills. “Such financial and job worries regularly lead to a serious difficulty in sleeping and then to more intense fears, irritability, and, in many, an intense sadness,” Fitzgibbons said. 

Fitzgibbons added that the present economic crisis may also result in the experience of strong anger toward many in the government, financial markets, banking and other institutions because in many instances where their selfishness, greed, high risk taking, desire to control or poor judgment have contributed to the present hard times.  “This anger can also contribute to insomnia and blocks the ability to resolve anxiety,” Fitzgibbons said. “The anger must be addressed, and the most effective way is through the practice of the virtue of forgiveness through reflection several times each day and at bedtime.”

If a person of faith finds it difficult to forgive, he or she can give the anger to God, accept personal powerlessness, and—in an act of trust—surrender all to God. Or, the person can hold onto the anger—and continue to be anxious, ruminating about how much he or she was hurt. This could be unwise given that research has demonstrated the benefits of faith in addressing emotional conflicts, bringing peace.

Fitzgibbons takes it a step further, stating that he recommends regularly to people of faith that they consider employing a faith meditation to deal with their anxiety. Such meditations focus on trusting God with all of our fears. 

“Scriptural prayer that can found both in the psalms and in the New Testament can be very helpful,” said Fitzgibbons, “because it can be effective in building trust—one of the most important virtues that can assist in reducing anxiety. It may also prevent the person from developing an anxiety disorder, which can seriously damage his or her physical and mental health, as well as important relationships.”

For more details on Fitzgibbons and Anxiety and Mistrust in Marriage, visit http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/anxiousspouse.php

Embrace Scripture as well, holding on especially to the promise in Philippians 4:6-7. You’ll find godly peace, deepen your human relationships, and live a more fulfilling life. Nothing is impossible with God!

by Michael Angelo, LPC, anxiety and marital therapist

Are you TOO NICE??

Hello Everyone, welcome to this week's article!  Mary Ann Griffith gives us an interesting perspective on being too nice and it's potential roots in a struggle with anxiety.  This is a good reflection point, one that I think you will all enjoy.  Here is what she has to say:

I recently ran across a book titled “Anxious to please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice” by James Rapson and Craig English.  As one typically does when deciding to read a book, I flipped through the book to see if anything interesting caught my eye and there it was on page 2 (Don’t you love it when it happens that quickly).  THE NICE LIST…  It was a  fairly long list covering the behaviors of a person that is “Nice”.  However, as one can quickly deduce Nice is really just the term that the authors are using to describe an individual who HAS to be nice.  

Most people are nice at times.  In fact, being nice is something all of us should practice. However, is there a time when it’s not healthy to be “Nice”. The authors of the book, Anxious to Please, would say Yes, when the behavior is generated by anxiety or fear. 

The Emotional Baseline of a Nice person ( or someone who is anxious to please)

• Believe that their safety and happiness depend on their ability to please the significant people in their lives
• Crave recognition and affirmation of their goodness
• Are often troubled by romantic longings and obsessions
• Use relationships to mask their inability to love themselves
• Idealize others
• Find their own happiness to be elusive and fleeting
• Feel contempt for their own Nice person traits and hate their need for love, affection, reassurance and sex

(excerpt from Anxious to Please)

The inner emotional world of the Nice person often gets overlooked by others.  Everyone simply assumes their fine. It is difficult to spot their insecurities because they shift the attention away from their needs onto the other person needs.  However the truth is, “Nice people yearn intensely for a life that is truly worth living. They ache for an abiding sense of belonging, for an inner peace that can last longer than a few moments, and for authentic intimacy.” 

If this describes you or someone you love.  Read “Anxious to Please” and begin the road to transformation to the new you.

By: Mary Ann Griffith, LCPC