Denial: Part 2

Last week on the blog I, Nick Smith, wrote about working through the denial in your own life.  This week I wanted to discuss another question that gets discussed in my office from time to time.  "How do I help _______ work through his/her denial."  As I said last week, denial is a powerful force that often disguises the truth from ourselves but leaves it obvious to others around us.  

So, what do you do when a loved one is in denial? I want to answer this question by first exploring some avenues that are often taken by loved ones.  As humans, we tend to either over react to situations or under react.  Some can bail out of the relationship before all options have been explored.  Others tend to over monitor and hover around the loved one, which ends up being emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. So how do we strike a balance?

Be mindful of codependent tendencies.  A natural susceptibility we can have toward those we love who are going through difficulty is making it our mission to make them happy.  This can often lead to making a lot of sacrifices that are not reciprocated.  The thought might go something like, "If I could just love him more, maybe he will stop drinking so much."  Or "Maybe if I just submit to her expectations of who I am as a man, she will be less angry with me."  You might be in a codependent relationship if you find your self worth in the approval of the other person.  

Patience is a virtue, but limits need to be set, especially limits of safety.  Setting limits can often feel harsh but they are put in place for the ultimate goal of helping the person see how their actions (or lack there of) are hurtful.  Setting limits can lead to loss of relationship and that's not easy.  When drinking turns to violence, this often gets pushed under the rug and attempted to be forgotten about until the emotional wounds can no longer be ignored or the physical wounds become so major that they result in irreversible damage.  Have patience in the process of not sweeping issues under the rug and dealing with the consequences of your boundary setting.

Offer opportunities for healing by not tiptoeing around the issue.  By keeping firm boundaries and staying aware of codependent tendencies, you can help your loved one move from a place of denial to a place of acceptance and healing.  It's important to understand that some issues are too much for you to handle alone.  Seek help through support groups and your counselor in order to maximize your healing.

By: Nick Smith, MA, LPC

Identifying Denial (Part 1)

Welcome!  This week’s article is brought to you by me, Nicholas Smith, the host of Heritage’s Blog.  Denial is often a word used in the realm of addiction recovery.  In those settings it’s not uncommon to hear someone say, “Denial, it’s not just a river that runs through Egypt.”  Though denial is often spoken about with addictions, I’d like to point out that denial can be common in anyone’s life.  Part of understanding ourselves fully is uncovering these areas of denial.  Here is what I have to say:

Denial is a powerful force.  It is as clear as day to others, yet it is hardly ever considered an issue for those experiencing it.  So how do we identify those things in our lives that we might be in denial about?  Or the question that I get more often is, "How do I get _____ to understand how this is impacting his/her life and relationships?"  

Why do we always chase our losses?

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

When I was eight or nine, at Christmas time, I received that greatest of all Christmas gifts. One that instantly gave me gravitas with the neighborhood boys. It was like Ralphie in the movie 'A Christmas Story' getting his Red Rider BB gun.  I received a pellet gun--a beautiful rifle that my friend Freddie and I had a great time hunting down old pop cans and trying (but missing) some of the neighborhood bats as they flew around the lake at night.  I had not had my pellet gun three months when one of those older boys decided to inspect my prized possession. He raved about it and I was feeling like I was coming up in the world with the big boys. He decided to try fitting a BB in my pellet gun and instantly ruined it.  All my street cred (don't think that was the word we used back in the 70's) receded into the lake.  Believe it or not, I still think about that gun.  Maybe someday I might find a version of it on Ebay and buy it just to have it again.  I promise I won't shoot any birds with it and I especially promise not to let older boys play with it.

It seems the things we lose never really get away from us. We can find ourselves reminiscing about the old days or feeling the pain of an injury or a terrific loss or even smelling the sulfur of what was burned to ashes many years ago.  I am not talking about the toy we received on Christmas as an 8 year old but rather the weightier losses--like loved ones or what we lost in a trauma or a moment of lost dignity. Someone once asked me why do we always chase our losses? A great question that I can only offer theories about. Perhaps when I am done with my theories, you could offer some of yours in the comments.