Control, Part 1

What comes to your mind when you hear the word control? Is it positive or negative? Do you think about the control (or lack of) that you feel you have in your life? Do you think about people you would consider to be controlling? Control can be positive or negative, depending on how we use it. In fact, we need to feel we have some level of control over our lives in order to take responsibility and have motivation.  

When I first learned about the idea of locus of control (the degree to which we perceive we have control over events), I learned about it in two extremes. On the one extreme was feeling that we had control over results and situations in our lives (internal locus of control). The other extreme was feeling that fate or others determine the results (external locus of control). 

Recently I read we now know that locus of control actually happens in a spectrum rather than just two extremes – which seems more accurate and healthy. If we rigidly held to one extreme or the other we’d be believing what’s called a control fallacy – either seeing ourselves as helpless to others and/or fate, or seeing everything that happens as a result of something we did. The reality is there are some things we can control and some things we can’t control. One thing we can always control (even when we’re in a situation that we can’t control) is our response. One thing that we cannot control is other people. 

Next time you’re in a situation that is affecting you negatively, try to become aware of your perspective – are you thinking you have control or don’t have control – then examine how accurate your original thought is. Sift through what aspects you have control of and what aspects you don’t. Remember that you always have control over your response. Sometimes that might mean finding another way to meet your need or address hurt when the other person in the situation won’t change. Remember that healthy control doesn’t need to take control from someone else. My next article will give some practical examples of when we step into controlling others (often unintentionally) and what we can do differently in those situations. 

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

Selective Environment and Self Nurture

Is this the old Nature vs Nurture argument again?  Not really.  We all have a past.  We can't change our past.  Our parents are who they are, and they raised us in a certain way, which no doubt has implications on who we've become. Additionally, genetics are difficult to change.  Studies show that having family members with depression increases our predisposition to such conditions.  But this paints a pretty grim picture for those who have parents who struggle with one thing or another and for those who grew up in not such a nurturing environment.  So is there any hope? YES!

We can't change what we have experienced in our past or our genetics however, we can create for ourself a positive, nurturing environment.  We can choose the people we spend time with and what we do in our leisure time.  No one is making us binge watch The Walking Dead on Netflix in order to get ready for the upcoming season instead of doing something more in line with our purpose and passion.  There is no force making us hang out with a friend who is consistently putting us down, has a consistently negative attitude or other provides other various bad influences.  But sometimes we get so defeated that it seems as though we have no other options.

We also have the ability to nurture ourselves.  The media gets blamed so much for the negative information we have to deal with ad nauseam.  However, the media does not get to choose what we do with that information.  For many this information is unintentionally taken to heart, and we think, "Yes, I would be much cooler with that new watch that I can read my text messages with, I need to get that!"  Perhaps an extreme example but I think it helps get to a bigger point.  We all are receiving messages every day either from peers, coworkers, parents, or ourselves.  Some of us are not very savvy on denouncing these messages.  We allow false or half-truth messages become our actual truth, which can develop into anxiety or depression.

What half truths have you been taking to heart?  What are some ways you could nurture yourself better?  What changes in your environment can you make in order to lead a more authentic life?

By: Nicholas Smith, MA, LCPC