Attitudes of Gratitude

Believe it or not, but the rush of the holidays is quickly approaching. Holiday decorations are out in full force in local stores. My Instagram feed shows people already setting up their Christmas trees and listening to Christmas music, and the commercials on television boast of the newest gadget that your loved one just has to have. The Christmas season is filled with stress, rushing, and greed—a picture of commercialism at its finest. I wonder if we have forgotten what it means to be thankful. 

The current generation of children and adolescents in the United States have been called the entitlement generation on more than one occasion—the no one tells me “no” and “I deserve this” kids. While I love the Christmas season, entitlement seems to be even more prevalent this time of the year and sometimes makes me want to cringe. I can already hear the “I need this”, “I want that”, “where’s my next present?” and “that’s all I’m getting?” statements. Rather than dreading the increased prevalence of entitlement, my challenge to you (and for myself) is to develop an attitude of gratitude during these upcoming weeks. Would it not be a gift to go into the holiday season knowing that your children are thankful for what they do have rather than focused on what they do not have?  

Gratitude is defined as the state of being thankful, the recognition and appreciation of good things in life. The benefits of living a grateful life are numerous. Studies have proven that gratitude improves life quality and satisfaction. People who are more grateful reported being more satisfied with day-to-day life. Research has also shown there to be a connection between gratitude and a person’s level of happiness. (Check out some of the studies by Robert Emmons or Martin Seligman if you are looking for more technical reading on the connection between gratitude and mental health.) Gratitude and entitlement have an inverse relationship. There is little need for gratitude when a person is solely focused on what they deserve. Entitlement diminishes the need for gratitude. If we live in a world where entitlement seems to be so prevalent, the development of an attitude of gratitude just might be a solution to pursue. 

The state of being thankful can be hard, especially during difficult life circumstances or during this upcoming season where there are increased levels of entitlement. Developing an attitude of gratitude requires conscious awareness of how one thinks. It is easy to get caught in a negative mindset and focus on the things that go wrong during the day or what one does not have, so here are a few simples ideas about ways to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for adults and children alike. Give these suggestions a try for two weeks and see if your life outlook changes. Children whose parents demonstrate an attitude of gratitude are much more likely to have their own attitude of gratitude, so use these next few weeks as a time to develop attitudes of gratitude together. 

• Keep a gratitude journal 

Writing down things for which you are thankful is a tangible reminder of the good in life. Look for the simple things in life that you are thankful for and write them down as a reminder of the positive aspects of your day. 

• Talk about things for which you are thankful daily. 

During family dinner or before bedtime, make it a habit to ask your child (spouse, roommate, etc.) about five positive things that have happened throughout the day or five things he or she is thankful for. In doing so, you are teaching your child to view the world through a lens of positivity. This in turn produces more gratitude. 

• Create a list of blessings. 

Come up with a list of all the things that you have for which you are thankful. Rather than focusing on what you do not have, this list helps you to focus on what blessings you do have. Read over the list daily, and on days when you are not feeling very grateful, this list helps recount the gifts of life. 

• Express it to someone else. 

Take the time to write a note to someone letting him or her know you are thankful for what they do. To write a thank-you note is to express gratitude externally. 

• Engage in prayers of gratitude 

Sometimes prayers can feel like a long shopping list of needs. Take the time to thank God for the blessings you have been given and ask for the grace to see things through a lens of gratitude daily. The good gifts we have been given in this life are from a gracious God who chooses to bless His children. 

Colossians 3:15-17 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” 

I am embracing the challenge. Are you? 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Enjoying the Holidays through Positive Self-Care

The holidays bring with them assorted emotions, kind of like a box of assorted chocolates. You take a bite and it might not taste quite like you expected!  We can get feelings of joy and happy expectancy in the festive atmospheres that abound during November and December. Then an encounter with a relative over event planning or gift giving can change that once happy emotion to one of dread. 

Often the way we respond to a disappointment can make the difference between getting replenished or cycling downward to a negative attitude about holiday activities.  As we all know, there are good and bad ways to respond when conflicts arise. Here are a few self-care responses to try when the going gets tough during “Tis the Season.”

Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

What exactly is emotional intelligence? According to Andrew Coleman’s Dictionary of Psychology:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior. 

The term was first used by Wayne Payne is his doctoral thesis. It was made popular by Daniel Goleman at the publishing of his book, Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. I don’t know if it matters more than IQ but I can understand Mr. Goleman’s reasoning. Someone can be very “smart” yet if they can’t control their temper it can lead to devastating consequences.  I would say that it is probably equally as important as general intelligence and likely an element of overall human intelligence.

Trust The Therapeutic Process

I get it. It’s difficult when you or someone you love has been in therapy a while and you don’t always see the progress. It’s difficult when someone you love is in therapy and you don’t know what’s happening in it. You don’t know if the person is being honest or telling everything that you think should be told. You don’t know much of anything that’s going on other than what the person is willing to tell you. I want to encourage you to trust the therapeutic process. There are things that we can be tempted to do that actually can get in the way of therapy working for ourselves and those we love. 

Keys to Trusting the Therapeutic Process

1. Let your defenses down. If you are the one in therapy, more will be accomplished if you can let your masks and walls down. If someone you love is in therapy, stop worrying about what they are saying about you and instead trust they are working things out. Also, make yourself open to hearing (if/when they are ready) what they want to tell you without getting defensive. 
2. Stop asking what they’re talking about in therapy. It creates pressure and could create guilt. It takes away from the safe place that therapy is supposed to be. They will tell you if/when they are ready and want to tell you and until then it is best that you honor that we each have the right to figure things out and share about that in our own time. If you are going to ask, just ask once and make it known that you just want them to know you’re available to talk if they want and they don’t have to share anything they’re not ready to or don’t want to. 
3. Along the same lines, stop asking their therapist what is talked about in session. If it’s something you need to know, the therapist will tell you (if the person is under twelve) or will get permission to tell you. Same reasons as in #2. Confidentiality is a positive factor in therapy. Don’t jeopardize that. 
4. Realize change takes time. It is frustrating when you are in therapy and those around you are always pointing out the things they see that they think haven’t changed (and it’s discouraging when we do it to ourselves). Instead make an effort to see the changes, even the smallest changes. Remember that change takes time, and even after change happens we still won’t do it perfectly all the time. 
5. Don’t try to do the therapist’s job. Whether you are trying to be a therapist to the person you love or you are trying to tell their therapist what to do in sessions with the person you love, stop it. You are not the therapist. It not only can get in the way of the therapeutic process, but is also harmful for your relationship. Your relationship with the person is supposed to be based on mutuality. Acting like the therapist or trying to control what happens in their therapy feels to the other person like you are putting yourself above them. Instead come alongside them, share your perspective with the therapist when it is appropriate to do so (when either the person invites you to share, gives permission for the therapist to ask your perspective, or when you are included as part of the session). 

There is an element of mystery to why therapy works. This is partly because each person is a unique individual. Part of it is each person needs to come to their own “aha moment”. Part of it is the amount of work each person is willing to put into healing, growth and change. However, there are several things that research has shown are factors that make therapy work. It provides someone trained to help you tell your story in a way that integrates both the factual and emotional aspects. Another is if you and your therapist are able to form a trusting, safe connection – we call this the therapeutic relationship. Having a safe place where you can let your masks come off and your walls come down is beneficial. Having someone who can help you gain insight by helping you identify positive and negative thought patterns, core beliefs, healthy and unhealthy coping skills, unresolved wounds and unmet needs – and then helps you solidify the positive/healthy and learn new patterns, beliefs and coping skills in place of unhealthy ones and heal unresolved wounds. So, let’s do our part and trust the therapeutic process for the rest whether that’s for ourselves or for those we love.  

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

Letting Go

People struggle everyday with letting go.  Sometimes we dwell about the past, thinking of old regrets and things we would do differently or maybe not at all.  We carry these thoughts with us and let them burden us, afraid to let them go, and unable to see beyond all these things we are carrying. When we get to the day that we don’t want to keep these burdens anymore, we can stop and realize that we have options.  We can stay where we are and hold all of our fears, woes and bad memories, or we can drop them off, give them to God and continue on the path.  The more we release these burdensome thoughts, the freer we feel, able to embark on whatever we want.  We will feel like a truer version of ourselves, able to live in the moment and look forward, enjoying the present.  What we realize is that it’s not about the baggage we’ve accumulated that makes us who we are, but what we learn from our experiences and apply to our lives, developing the person we are capable of being.  Our experiences don’t define us; they are part of our journey of growth. We don’t need to let the unpleasant ones weigh us down. We can release them, trusting in God for what we may not yet understand or like, and being thankful for the life we have now.

Persevering Through Stressful Times

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

Pure joy? Really? You've got to be kidding!

When we have difficulties mounting around us, the idea of "considering it pure joy" can be incomprehensible to our human minds. Whether it's the stress at a job , a sick child, an aging parent, or a relationship conflict, too much stress can be immobilizing. Suddenly just getting dressed can be a challenge. Simple things like taking a shower, making meals or even getting out of bed can feel like hard labor. So how can James, the brother of Jesus, say to have joy during such times?

Transitions

Transitions are difficult. Whether it is transitioning from one job to another, one home to another, to a different life stage, or any other transition, there always seems to be an element of difficulty even when the transition is good. There is one transition that we all experience – that is the transition from childhood to adulthood commonly known as adolescence. This is a uniquely difficult transition. There are expectations from peers, from teachers, from parents, and from one's self - all while trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be. 

Perfectionism

Have you ever struggled or do you struggle with perfectionism?   I know I’ve struggled with this in one form or another.  Although I feel I’ve grown tremendously in this area, perfectionism can still creep up on me from time to time.  It’s funny because if you really think about it, logically we can’t be perfect, by definition: to have NO mistakes or flaws, COMPLETELY accurate.  It’s like setting ourselves up for failure over and over if our only goal is perfection or to be perfect.  

Inside Out and Children’s Emotions

     I recently watched Disney Pixar’s newest movie, Inside Out. The movie surpassed my expectations and has my counselor-self excited at the steps Pixar has taken to try to educate children and families about emotions and personalities. Movies rarely provide equal amounts of education and entertainment, but Inside Out accomplishes both by taking an abstract concept and making it more concrete. The movie takes place inside the head of a young girl named Riley during her move to a new state and introduces five different characters who take turns at the center of the control board. Emotional development is rarely the premise of a movie, but Inside Out has journeyed into uncharted waters and started a conversation about emotions. Allow me to explain some of the things I took away from the movie: 

We all experience a wide variety of emotions daily. The five characters introduced in the movie (Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust) correspond to five of the six basic emotions researched by Paul Eckman that have been found to exist in different cultures. The sixth basic emotion is surprise but was left out of the movie. This means that the characters in the movie represent, at a basic level, the emotions that people all across the world experience daily. Eckman’s research has been widely used, and he was even consulted throughout the creation process. What results is a movie that is on point describing the basic emotions experienced by human beings. Emotional experiences impact a person’s perception of the world, shape the memories of the past, and impact interactions in the present. In short, emotions are almost always impacting a person’s life and experience of the world. In short, helping a child to understand their emotions is an important task, and parents would do well to use some of the insights this movie provides. The development of emotional intelligence is crucial. 

Personified emotions shed new light on an abstract, difficult concept. Perhaps one of my favorite things about the film is the fact that emotions are given a personality and a face. I have yet to find any characters that take emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness and create an entire character personality based on the single emotion. Never before has there been such a concrete way to talk about emotions, which often feel abstract. In my office, children sometimes have a difficult time describing their anger or fear. The characters of Inside Out teach about the different emotions and provide a way for children to understand their feelings more concretely. 

Personifying emotions will also allow parents to engage in conversations with their children in a new way. It allows for a more concrete discussion about a child’s emotional experience and provides a common language from which the discussion can be approached. Parents might be able to use questions such as “Which emotion is operating your control center right now” or “What is the fear/anger voice inside your head saying to you”. Fear made me laugh during the movie when he came up with a list of all the possible scenarios of what might go wrong during Riley’s first day at school, and yet there is some truth in that depiction of the character. Using that example of Fear, parents might be able to help their children come up with their own list of all the things their brain is making them worry about.  

Every emotion has an important role to play. Inside Out teaches the importance of each individual emotion and validates the difficult emotions that children might have trouble expressing. The emotions are portrayed for what they are, not positively or negatively. All too often, I hear parents say something like “Don’t be sad” “You don’t need to be afraid”, or “Calm down; stop being so angry.” These types of statements devalue the emotional experience of the child and cause confusion. Emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness often get a bad reputation due to statements like this and are seen in a negative light. I often here parents in my office talking about how they wish they could shield their children from experiencing sadness, anger, or worry, but there is a problem with this way of thinking because children need to experience difficult and uncomfortable emotions to learn more about themselves and how to handle the world. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely shield a person from difficult emotions because we live in a sinful, broken world where disappointment and heartache are guaranteed. Part of the reason trophies are handed out to every child at a sporting event is to shield the child from feeling a difficult emotion, but this actually shields the child from being able to learn and grow from those experiences and causes problems later in life when the child is approached with more difficult life events. Experiencing disappointment during childhood begins to lay the foundation for how a person will deal with and move past disappointments in the teenage and adult years. This movie beautifully portrays that each emotion has its own role to play and that each emotion is important for what it is. 

Feeling sad may be uncomfortable, but sad is not bad. For me, one of the most touching parents of the movie was when Joy realized the purpose and role of Sadness. For most of the movie, Joy makes her mission to keep Sadness away from the control board and the memories, but she comes to understand the importance of Sadness and her role in connecting Riley to others when she feels down. Sadness leads to a deeper connection with others. There is a noticeable shift towards the end of the movie where the role of Sadness really shines. Children often have a hard time expressing their sadness, more so than emotions like anger or fear. Most kids just do not want to feel sad because feeling sad is equal to feeling bad. However, sadness is a vital emotion for children to experience and understand. Teaching a child how to embrace their sadness (or any difficult emotion for that matter) rather than avoid the feeling will lead to more well-adjusted child who is able to navigate the challenges of life. In the movie, Sadness was able to connect empathetically with Riley and change a difficult memory into one that included receiving love and support from family and friends.

A deeper understanding of emotions leads to a higher level of emotional intelligence. Parents, please do not write off Inside Out as a simple children’s movie. This movie provides a concrete way to discuss an abstract concept and teaches several important lessons throughout which are highly worth pondering. If you have not seen the movie yet, check it out, and keep these things in mind as you watch it. Children benefit from learning about their emotions, and Inside Out does a fabulous job of teaching about them while providing true entertainment. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

The Comparison Trap

"When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves they are not wise." - 2 Corinthians 10:12

It has been said that when we compare, we err. How hard it is, in this world of abundance and tragedy, to keep our mind on our blessings and the Source of them, on what is most important, on our own purpose here, and to be thankful and content with what we have. Comparing our lives with someone else's is never a win-win situation. We are all uniquely made and different from each other in as many ways as we are alike. We all have a tendency to judge and so we will naturally compare up or down. And we will wind up feeling either better than or worse than the person or circumstance we are comparing ourselves to. Fortunately our worth is not based on how we measure up next to others. Every person is of immense value to God and His kingdom. God does not look at outward appearances, but at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). The more we focus on how much God loves us and His power in us to accomplish His will for our lives, the less we will compare ourselves to others. As we grow in the grace and love of God, we can look at others and instead of judging them or ourselves through comparing, we can appreciate each person for who they are regardless of their status or disposition. We are able to have compassion and use the gifts that we have to contribute, realizing that each person, including ourselves is of equal worth. We will not feel threatened nor will we feel superior. 

The Bible talks about the different parts of the body and how valuable each part is. The hand cannot do the job of the foot and the eye cannot do the job of the ear (1 Corinthians 12:14-18). In the same way we each have our own purpose which no one else is meant to do, and which adds to the fullness of the body of Christ. How foolish for us to base our own or someone else's value on acquired roles, levels of understanding, or number of accomplishments. For we cannot judge another person's life from the limited view we have. Only God sees all, knows all and understands all. 

What we do know is that we all fall short of God's glory and that Christ died for everyone no matter what they've done. And there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:23, John 3:16, Romans 8:1). So we may live joyfully beside one another accepting ourselves where God has us and accepting others where God has them. Each person is learning and growing at his or her own pace. So where is comparing? It is buried at the foot of the cross.

"I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...." Psalm 139:14

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC

Letting Go of People Pleasing

The phrase "people pleasing" has been around for a while now. No one likes being called a people pleaser and yet most people like to be thought of as a genuinely good person. It is desirous to be kind, loving, considerate, and thoughtful but if we do these things for the purpose of getting approval, attention or self worth, then we are falling into the people pleaser trap. When we spend our energy worrying about what other people think, seeking to make others happy at the expense of our own health or wellbeing, and focusing more on what other people are doing than on our own responsibilities, we are living a lifestyle of people pleasing. The Bible talks a lot about serving others, loving our enemies, going the extra mile and giving to those in need. These actions are commendable. The problem comes in when one's sense of security and self-worth comes from the approval that is received by doing them. It can cause a person to ignore their own needs and values in order to feel accepted and loved even if temporary and conditional. 

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 2 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

As I wrote in part one of this blog art, emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings. After you finish part two, go back and read part one of this article to help you with a strategy to cope with these difficult emotions.

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 1 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings.

Feelings are meant to be

Embracing “the Talk” | Talking to Children about Sex

Raise your hand if you feel 100% comfortable with the task of talking to your child about sex. Any takers? No one? Why am I not surprised?

Sex is a taboo topic in a lot of circles, and when it comes time to have “the talk” with children, most parents feel uncomfortable with the thought and task at hand. They would much rather leave the things up to the school or the youth group leader, keeping themselves free from those uncomfortable feelings. Movies have long portrayed comical situations of dads or moms trying to blubber their way through some type of description of the body and sex. A scene from the movie Sydney White comes to mind where the dad tries to talk with his daughter about becoming a woman. He tries to explain that her body would release an egg (like a chicken) each month while using a contraption built out of plumbing materials.  His lack of comfort with the subject is clear and the look of bewilderment on his daughter’s face is evident. The scene is comical but not that far off base. 

When it comes to Christian circles, this topic feels even more taboo. Sex feels like a “worldly” topic, and I find that many Christian parents are concerned with one thing: how to keep their child away from sex (thinking about it, knowing about it, and most importantly engaging in it). They are uncomfortable with the topic and would much rather have someone else teach their children the basics of the birds and bees. The problem with this mindset is that this comes at a cost to the child. The best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home from the people they trust most, yet they are forced to look outside of the home for answers because of the parent’s response to the topic and their portrayal of feeling uncomfortable. I am not negating the fact that this is a difficult, uncomfortable talk to have, but I do want to encourage parents, especially Christian parents, to step up to the plate and embrace the talk. Sexuality is a part of human nature, and child development includes sexual development. Failure to engage in the conversation with children robs them of the ability to understand their own sexual development from those with whom they share the closest bond and most importantly takes away the opportunity for shepherding and guiding a child’s heart to better understand God’s creation of the world and relationships. 

Unfortunately, in today’s world, most kids are learning about sex outside of the home. Our highly sexualized media culture and access to technology have basically stripped parents of the ability to truly shelter their child from the sexualized world. Children are being exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Fifteen years ago, “the talk” could have probably waited until the child was twelve. In today’s world, twelve is probably too late. This does not mean that younger children have to know every nitty-gritty detail about sex. I’m simply trying to convey the importance of beginning to open the doors to a realistic and honest conversation about the human body and the way that God created it to be. This is a call for intentional parenting. 

Left up to the schools or churches alone, a child’s understanding of sexuality is going to be limited and one-sided.  Schools can easily teach about reproduction in a short series during health class, and youth groups can cover the topic of purity during one of the weekly meetings. While these are valuable discussions to have, these are typically lectures rather than a dialogue. A short conversation or lecture about sex is not what is required here. The process of helping a child to understand sexuality happens over a period of time with intentional conversations (back and forth discussions) not during a one or two hour lecture. This is a process of helping children to understand both facts and principles. Facts are the actual details of the body’s changes and reproduction, and principles extend beyond the facts to help a child understand the design and God-given intent of sex between a husband and a wife. The principles regarding sex in today’s culture are highly skewed, so if parents do not step up to guide their child and instill godly principles, children end up learning the wrong things about sex. The process of teaching a child about sex should happen over the course of years, not over the course of hours because principles are not instilled quickly. 

So how can parents go about embracing the talk? First, take some time to think about your view of sex and how you feel about talking with your child. If you feel uncomfortable, what causes that feeling? Spend time considering the impact that your own past has had upon your understanding. What did your parents teach you about sex? What are your core values when it comes to sexuality? Jot down what values you hope to convey to your child. Parenting out of fear is not the goal here, so if the topic of sex causes fear or worry, address those issues before talking to your child. 

Second, spend some time defining what you consider to be your definition of healthy sexuality. Sexual development is a normal part of child development and cannot be avoided whether the topic is addressed or not. Christian parents ought to consider their theology of biblical sexuality. Children in today’s world will hear plenty about the cultural view of sex, so an understanding of the biblical view of sex and God’s intent for it is key. Help your child understand the biblical context of sex and its meaning. After all, sex between a husband and a wife is a representation of the union between Christ and the Church, and this should not be taken lightly. Help your child understand the healthy boundaries of sex. God clearly created sex to be between a husband and wife and placed boundaries in place from the beginning of time. These boundaries are for our good, but children need to know why these boundaries are good. 

Third, work to set your child up for sexual success. Teach your child peer refusal skills. Children need to know how to get themselves out of a sticky situation before they are ever in the position to be in that situation. Help them understand the value of their own body and how to respect others. Talk about the importance of purity and give your child skills to stand up for what they believe in even when the world tells them something different. Teach them about the importance of privacy and the importance of having other people respect their privacy. Help your child understand how to deal with interest in the opposite sex. Teach children about the changes that will be happening to their body. 

Fourth, work to open the doors of communication with your child. If parents treat the sex talk as a one-time event, children will not learn to come to parents with further questions. The more open parents are, the more likely children will learn to feel comfortable addressing concerns in the safety of their own home rather than seeking answers online or from peers. 

Are you ready to embrace the talk? I sure hope so. Your child’s development depends upon your willingness to step up to the plate and embrace the awkward. Parenting is a tough job and requires intentionality. Use this as an opportunity to be an intentional parent and instill important, life-long principles in your child. The benefits far outweigh the costs when it comes to teaching your child about sex. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Working Through Disappointment, Discouragement, & Anger

Have you ever experienced disappointment, discouragement or anger over a situation that just didn’t go the way you expected?  Maybe you are going through that right now.  The truth is that everyone goes through these kinds of situations; the problem is that we often don’t realize others are also having difficulties in their lives.  What this often produces is what I call “terminal uniqueness.”  It is the thought process of “I’m the only one, this only happens to me,” or “why me, why now?”  Maybe you have been praying or have asked for prayer but still things don’t go the way you wanted and you’ve asked why?

Sometimes it appears that only good things happen to other people, not you, “terminal uniqueness.”  Good things happen and bad things happen to everyone.  Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  What can make it seem like only good things happen to other people is that most people don’t talk about their failures or disappointments.  It certainly doesn’t make for feel good reading on Facebook, does it?  I mean if you read through many peoples Facebook pages you might start to envy other people’s lives. You may start to think they are the luckiest person.  You may begin to buy into the myth that you are the only unlucky one and everyone else lives a great life and even wonder why others prayers are answered and not yours.  It’s not just through social media; it’s how people can portray their lives to others in any situation, social media or in person.  

Anxiety Today

What is anxiety? Is it a feeling of dread? Is it like a knot in your stomach that won’t go away?  Is it constant worry over things you can’t control, or being overly concerned about one thing or another?  Essentially it is all of these things and it can take hold in our minds and even our bodies and often won’t let go.

Never Say Never…

One of my favorite movies when I was a little kid was An American Tale with Fievel Mousekewitz. One of the songs I remember was “Never say never” sung by the French pigeon to Feivel when he said he would never find his family. All I ever really remember was the line “Never say never whatever you do” and I remember thinking “but he said never!”

Statements using the words never, always, etc. are called absolute statements. These statements take something that might sometimes be true and make it sound like it is always true. One of the common times we use absolute statements is when we are frustrated with someone about something. Do you remember a time when you said in an argument “You always….” or “You never…” or maybe you remember being on the receiving end of an absolute statement. Another time we use absolute statements when we are frustrated with ourselves – usually when we make a mistake or fail in something and we say to ourselves “I always…I can’t….” etc. However, if we stop to really think about it, more often than not, it is not actually an always or never. Even if it is 99% it is still not always or never. These statements can become self-defeating and relationship-defeating. Remember a time when someone said an absolute statement towards you – how did you feel? I know I feel frustrated, sometimes even hurt and angry, sometimes even hopeless and helpless – especially if the statement becomes one I absorb to start thinking about myself. Always and never statements don’t leave a lot of room for hope of improvement. 

There’s another thing we sometimes do that falls in the same line of thinking as absolute statements, but is on a larger scale and usually applied to a group of people. It is what we call generalizing. Sometimes this happens we experience something with one person and then apply it to the whole group we identify that person as belonging to.  Sometimes it happens when we’ve heard other people talk in such a way of assigning certain characteristics to a whole group of people and we absorb it to think that way too. 

The example that first comes to my mind that most of us have probably heard about or experienced in some point of our lives is in regard to different racial groups than our own, or had people make these generalizations about the racial group we are in. By the way, generalizations don’t have to be negative; they can be saying something we think is positive about a whole group too – like everyone in this group is good at math, for example. Everyone is the same type of word as always and never, and more likely than not, it is not true of everyone in the group. I think sometimes we forget or maybe even have never thought about that generalizations and stereotypes happen to more groups than racial groups. I also think we are sometimes guilty of generalizing about racial groups and other groups and we don’t even realize it. If we don’t think or say the word everyone, it is sometimes hard to catch the generalizing mentality. Below are some groups other than racial groups that I’ve heard people make generalizations about: 

Women are _________

Men are ________

People of this sexual orientation are __________

People of this age demographic are _________

People in this other religion than my own are ___________

Another group within one’s own religion – I’ll use my own religion for an example: 

Conservative Christians are _________

Evangelical Christians are ________

Liberal Christians are __________

People in another denomination than my own are __________

Let’s think about if we heard someone say something about the group we’re part of (and I’m sure many of us have at some point). What went through your head? Maybe nothing. Or maybe frustration or hurt, especially if the statement made about the group didn’t fit you as an individual though you identify with that group. 

Just as absolute statements that we make towards ourselves can be self-defeating and absolute statements made in a relationship can be relationship-defeating, generalizations can also be defeating. Not only can they cause hurt when someone from that group hears it, but also they influence how we think and therefore influence how we behave and speak to people of that group.  They can hinder us from learning or receiving from that group. As we speak and think about ourselves, our relationships, and various groups, let us be aware of absolute statements and generalizations. When we catch ourselves using absolute statements and generalizations, let us challenge ourselves by first reminding ourselves that there is rarely an always, never, or everyone-in-this-group; and second by examining the particular situation to find the times that disprove the always, never, or everyone-in-this-group thought. 

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

The Power of Validation

Parents quite frequently come into my office wondering how they can best help their child face an obstacle in life. Whether a child is struggling with anxiety, being bullied at school, wrestling with depression, or facing some other difficult experience, my answer is typically the same: validate the emotions. Children want to be heard, and they want to know that what they feel matters. 

Every person feels several different emotions on a daily basis.  Children experience similar emotions to adults such as anger, sadness, fear, and frustration, but unlike adults, children have a hard time articulating and understanding their emotions. When this happens, they often express emotions physically or in other inappropriate ways. This means that strong emotions typically evoke strong responses in children. For example, when six-year-old Abigail gets frustrated riding her bike, she gets off and pushes it over into the grass and stomps off, or when nine-year-old Nate struggles with a math problem, he throws the pencil on the floor and slams the door to his room. 

5 Tips To Make Your Love Life Better

After being together a while, relationships can get mundane and routine if not difficult at times too!  Sometimes it's hard to let our minds focus on how to love a spouse or partner and how to connect in an emotionally fulfilling way.  We get caught up in our jobs, children, friends, activities and responsibilities that demand our attention.  It may take being intentional in order to refuel our most important human relationship, that with our significant other. 

The following suggestions are to help you start thinking, get motivated and consider giving some undivided attention to that special person in your life. If you are already setting time aside to connect, maybe you'll find an idea here that you haven't tried or haven't gotten around to doing. Either way there could be an opportunity for growth in your relationship.

Morning Reflection

The following is an excerpt from a book by Francine called Morning Reflections for Christians in Recovery. If you are interested in obtaining a copy, you can email her at fcostanza@heritagecounseling.com.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18:  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

It may seem a bit crazy to “look at the things which are not seen.”   I mean, how can we see something that is not visible?  Especially if we are afflicted, confused, and barely hanging on!  

We often look for what we have lost so that we can see it, hold it and have it again. We search and wait and pray, hoping it will materialize to satisfy our longing, and bring us the fulfillment it once did. Sometimes we find it and sometimes we don’t.  When we find it we rejoice and thank God.  When we don’t we grieve, and question God’s love for us and His wisdom. If it is something vital to us we may ask, “How can a gracious God withhold what is so important,  or maybe even a basic need?  How can He take from us that which we love?  The cruelty of life seems to abound.  The more we love someone, the more we can fear losing them.  Especially when we see tragedy happening all around us.  What a frightening world we live in, where pain is inevitable and dying is right around the corner.  Is it all a bad dream?  An Alice in Wonderland fantasy?  How can a loving God take _______ from us?  We could fill in the blank with a any number of nouns, verbs and adjectives.  Rather than continuing down this path of hopelessness, we must push past these thoughts to find a greater truth, one that will take us to higher ground.  There the view becomes somewhat clearer as we begin to look at the things which are “unseen.”

I believe that this “higher ground” is found in the pages of God’s Word.  The unseen things which are eternal and of incredible value are found there.  Hope is found there and and a multitude of treasures from God:  faith in Jesus Christ who died for us so we can live forever with Him, courage to face every day, trust that God will make all things right in His time, perseverence through every trial, the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22). There is also comfort to be found there, mercy, grace, contentment, knowledge, salvation and transformation.  The list could go on and on of all the unseen jewels of life for us to live by that God provides in His Word.

As we wait for the day when Jesus returns and makes all things new and permanent, we can hold on to His invisible strength, knowing that our desires will materialize in God’s time.  Nothing that really matters is forever lost. Jesus proved that when He conquered death, and He encourages us to believe in His power and love with all things, both seen and unseen.  

Overcoming the Stigma of Mental Health

Most of us were not able to make it too long in our lives without feeling some sort of stigma or shame because of something about us.  Maybe it was your hair cut in elementary school or the clothes you wore in jr. high.  Those feelings are strong and can lead us to avoid certain situations and people.  Michael Angelo has a great article for us this week about the stigma of mental health issues.  Here is what he has to say:

False beliefs about mental health can cause significant problems for those who need treatment the most.  The last thing that someone with a mental illness needs is to be stigmatized because of it.   

Negative attitudes and beliefs toward people who have a mental health condition are common.  Some of the harmful effects of a stigma like this can include reluctance for people to seek help due to a lack of understanding by family, friends, co-workers, or others they may know.

There might be fewer opportunities for work, school or social activities, or trouble finding housing as well.  Let's also not forget that, unfortunately, ignorance about mental health can lead to bullying, physical violence, or harassment.

To complicate matters, health insurance might not adequately cover mental illness treatment.  Also, there's the belief that these individuals will never be able to succeed at certain challenges or that they can't improve their situation because they are just too weak, inadequate, or even crazy.

But, according to Mayo Clinic, steps exist to cope with the stigma of mental health. Here are ways Mayo Clinic provides to deal with it:

• Get treatment. You may be reluctant to admit you need treatment. Don't let the fear of being labeled with a mental illness prevent you from seeking help. Treatment can provide relief by identifying what's wrong and reducing symptoms that interfere with your work and personal life.

• Don't let stigma create self-doubt and shame.  Stigma doesn't just come from others. You may mistakenly believe that your condition is a sign of personal weakness or that you should be able to control it without help. Seeking psychological counseling, educating yourself about your condition and connecting with others with mental illness can help you gain self-esteem and overcome destructive self-judgment.

• Don't isolate yourself.  If you have a mental illness, you may be reluctant to tell anyone about it. Your family, friends, clergy or members of your community can offer you support if they know about your mental illness. Reach out to people you trust for the compassion, support and understanding you need.
  

• Don't equate yourself with your illness.  You are not an illness. So instead of saying "I'm bipolar," say "I have bipolar disorder." Instead of calling yourself "a schizophrenic," say "I have schizophrenia." 

• Join a support group.  Some local and national groups, such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), offer local programs and Internet resources that help reduce stigma by educating people with mental illness, their families and the general public. Some state and federal agencies and programs, such as those that focus on vocational rehabilitation or the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), offer support for people with mental health conditions.

• Get help at school.  If you or your child has a mental illness that affects learning, find out what plans and programs might help. Discrimination against students because of a mental health condition is against the law, and educators at primary, secondary and college levels are required to accommodate students as best they can. Talk to teachers, professors or administrators about the best approach and resources. If a teacher doesn't know about a student's disability, it can lead to discrimination, barriers to learning and poor grades.

• Speak out against stigma.  Consider expressing your opinions at events, in letters to the editor or on the Internet. It can help instill courage in others facing similar challenges and educate the public about mental illness.

"Others' judgments almost always stem from a lack of understanding rather than information based on the facts," said Mayo Clinic. "Learning to accept your condition and recognize what you need to do to treat it, seeking support, and helping educate others can make a big difference."

Have you been stigmatized or seen someone stigmatized by someone who didn't understand the seriousness of a psychological disorder? Please share any personal experiences with mental health issues here. Or, use this space to provide details about disorders, treatments, medications, therapies, etc. They are welcomed!

The more comments related to a particular topic, the better. Let us reason together!

By: Michael Angelo, LCPC

Where is God In The Face Of Suffering?

In life, we cannot avoid suffering.  It is inevitable that we will at some point lose someone we love, lose a job, or suffer our own illnesses.  Nicole Majka has an open and honest conversation for us this week on her views of suffering after just recently losing a close friend.  Here is what she has to say:

I recently lost a very close friend of mine to cancer. For 18 months I saw her battle and fight, her family and friends prayed she would be healed. Sadly, this was not the case and she passed away. I watched her husband, kids, family and friends grieve her loss. I couldn’t understand how God could allow a wonderful, loving and caring woman to be taken at such a young age. I admit, I was angry at God even yelled at him for taking another person whom I loved dearly from my life. My conversation went something as follows “Why not take a murder, rapist or child molester instead of my friend, why did you let this happen?” I have experienced other losses in my life some due to illness others due to tragic accidents. I have struggled in my relationship and walk with the Lord during these times. In my work with clients, I too have seen incredible suffering and loss whether is a child, infant, parents, spouse friend and sibling. One of my biggest questions is where is God in the face of suffering?

The reality is, there is no easy way to answer this question. Many times I have heard “Why does God allow bad things to happen”? In my search for biblical answers, I was led to the Book of Job. Job lost everything; his wife, daughters, sons, animals and livelihood. Job cursed the lord for his suffering, blamed God for Satan’s doing and questioned the Lords Sovereignty. In the end, after much hardship, praying and forgiveness, Job experiences a wealth far greater then he can imagine. Romans 8:28 states “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose”. When we are in the midst of our suffering we don’t see what the future will hold, but the Lord does. I know in my own life I have learned valuable lessons about life and love through every tragedy I have experienced. Every experience has made me stronger and wiser and has shaped me whom I am today. I too have seen amazing things happen out of suffering and tragedy in clients I have been privileged to work with. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10)

The bible contains countless stories of suffering, some are healed by Jesus and others suffer and die. Throughout the Psalms, David cries out to the Lord and begs for answers for his suffering. Jesus himself stated in Matthew and Psalm 22:1 to God "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" as he hung on cross before his death. Jesus’s suffering before he died was unimaginable however, it was only through his crucifixion that we saved and granted freedom from our sins. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16.

I will never know the answer to why my friend died of cancer, why my cousin was killed in car accident, and why a client lost a child or a friend contracted an incurable illness on this side of heaven. What I do know is God is faithful; his love is everlasting and will never forsake us. God does care about your suffering and pain; he has not forsaken or abandoned you. “Then David continued, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. 1 Chronicles 28:20.

Grief and suffering will always be a part of lives. The Lord is the only one that can fill the hole in soul when we are hurting. Tears will fall, we will miss our loved ones terribly, feel angry with God and others and question God’s motives. Matthew 10:29-31 “But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. If God cares for the sparrow and the tiniest creatures he cares about your pain and suffering. Always remember footprints in the sand “For it was then that I carried you”.

John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

By: Nicole Majka, LCPC