As a Tree Grows

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC

As I look out at the trees, now void of leaves on this brisk December day, I am reminded of the story that is framed and hung in the hallway of Heritage Counseling Center. It is a fable about a young tree whose leaves are starting to change color and the tree feels confused and frightened. The tree talks to God about what is happening. It is a great analogy to what we often feel when changes happen outside of our control. A copy of the story is available at Heritage. You can ask for one at the office or any counselor can get one for you.

There are so many great tree analogies. I like the verse in Jeremiah (7:22), which says, “Those who trust in the Lord and whose confidence is in Him will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in the year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” When I think of our roots going down deep into the ground, I think of being rooted and grounded in Christ. I believe that this is what gives us the rich spiritual nourishment we need to make us the strong and healthy, able to withstand any storm or wind that comes our way. 

The idea of a tree bearing fruit is also mentioned in the Bible, indicating our spiritual growth and the evidence of our faith in Christ. In Matthew 7:20, Jesus talks about good fruit and bad fruit being shown in people when He says, “By their fruits you shall know them.” Them refers to those who demonstrate the character qualities that God desires in us. And what exactly are these qualities or good fruits that Jesus is talking about? Galatians 5:22 explains it clearly. “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” On our own these fruits can be hard to come by. Patience and gentleness are not always easy. And the Bible teaches that joy is not based on circumstances. God is the one who can bring these qualities about in us when we can’t. Left to ourselves we are inconsistent in our abilities to maintain them. But with God working in us through the Holy Spirit we can. As we spend time with the Lord, meditating on his Word and praying, these fruits will blossom and grow in us.

May each of you who reads this, grow strong in the Lord and in the power of his love with deep roots and may you bear the ripest and best of fruits!

Therapist Anxiety

By: Samantha Hicks, LCPC

Seeking therapy can be an anxiety provoking experience. There can be so many questions on where to start and how to find someone who is a good fit for you. It is difficult to even figure out where to begin. Here are some helpful questions to think about and hints to make the process easier for you!

What do you need help with?

Starting with what you are seeking help for can be helpful in finding a therapist. Therapist typically specialize or have experience in areas. The website biographies are a perfect place to look for this information. Click HERE for our counselors.

What type of therapy are you looking for?

Do you want a male or female therapist? Christian therapist? Someone who is challenging, or has you guide the session? Do not be afraid to try a few therapists out to identify which one you feel works the best with you.

As therapists, we want the best fit for you that is going to help you achieve your goals. A way to get to know us better before we have a session is call us to get to know our therapy style a little better. Some questions to ask in that phone call could include:

• Do you have any specialties?
• Do you have experience working with (what you are looking to have help regarding)?
• What is your therapy style?

There is nothing wrong with calling a few therapists prior to scheduling a session with any of them. Also, do not hesitate to therapist hop if it does not seem right. You are taking a courageous step in seeking therapy and we want to make it the best fit for you. It can be uncomfortable to talk about situations that are affecting you so take it at your own pace. Just don’t give up!

Making Amends

By: Jeanette Sziler, LCPC

Making amends, seeking repentance can feel as if it is an impossible step to take as it demands quite a lot of the self. If one is willing to seek amends for the harm and hurt that their actions have caused others, growth will happen. Making amends is not simply a change of heart and mind that leads one to do what is right; it is an action that one takes to wrong what has been done. For an example, if the act was stealing then confess and return what was stolen. 

Expressions of humility and regret when we hurt others is important as it shows that the person understands the damage and pain they have caused others. Confessing in a radically honest way means owning the wrong that was committed. This means saying, “Yes, I stole your money, my actions are inexcusable”. It does not mean saying, “Yes, I stole from you but, it wasn't me, I was on drugs.” Confessing and owning leaves out the “buts” or any type of justifications. Seeking mercy, forgiveness, and healing of the relationships that were damaged is part of making amends. Remember however that restoring a relationship is not always possible. Sometimes owning the hurt, confessing, and apologizing doesn't open the door for reconciliation, and that has to be okay for the one making amends. If when making amends the relationship is not repaired the way it was “suppose” to go, take ownership of that for it is a consequence of poor and unwise choices. Making amends is not about anticipating how others will react or respond to it, it is about changing the heart, mind, and actions regardless of the outcome. Making amends is about growing and evolving as a person and understanding the impact of how it has effected others.

The Power of Change

By: Cindy Raices

In a world of constant change, we can become apprehensive about what the next step in our lives will look like. Whether the next step be an empty nest, a new job, a new child or a new ministry, change can be difficult. As humans beings, we crave comfort and stability. When change approaches, instead of embracing it, we resist it. We tend to resist change, even while we are in dysfunctional conditions. No matter how bad things around us, we believe it's safer for things to stay the same rather than embrace change. 

Many people fear change because of the unknown and lack of control that is tied to change. It is challenging to take the first step when we do not know what will follow. Others find change to be problematic because they believe the demands of change are out of their reach. While change may seem out of reach or too scary to fathom, here are some simple steps to approach it.

Begin by taking the first step. One of the most difficult parts of change is simply getting started. Many times our fears convince us to just focus on what is in front of us. They highlight the challenges and risks involved in moving forward. However, it is usually after taking that first step that things begin to clear up. New opportunities are birthed through embracing change. All we have to do is take the first step. 

After you’ve taken the first step, don't give up. There may be times when adversity will encourage you to go backwards. However, you must continue forward. A good way to sustain the change you have embraced is by having support and accountability. Your support can come from family, friends, or even your hope for the future. Whatever it is, make sure is something that keeps you moving forward. Forward is always a powerful direction. It causes you to grow and exposes you to more possibilities. 

There is something that happens inside of us as we change. Despite the discomfort and inconvenience that comes with change, change will always produce new opportunities, perspectives and growth if you are willing to embrace it. Take the first step and you will see how change is powerful. 

Ovecoming Anxiety and Worry

By: Francine Costanza, MA, LCPC 

In this world it is an accomplishment to keep free from anxiety and worry. So many things happen beyond our control. Daily there are things in the news that cause us all to shudder. How can we keep a positive attitude? How can we bounce back over and over again?

What I have found to be the best antidote for worry and anxiety is the Word of God. There are many verses which speak to us about what to do when we are plagued by disappointment, fear and worry. God wants us to trust Him no matter how trying the times. He wants us to turn to Him for strength, for comfort and for direction. A relationship with God would be pretty unimportant if we could do everything with ease and control every adversity.  The longer I live the more I realize how little I can really control and how much I need the Lord each day. Reading the scriptures reminds me of how to think which I need often because it's easy to slip into negative thoughts and doubt.  Just as we need food and water to maintain a strong healthy body we also need spiritual nourishment to have a strong and healthy spirit and mindset.  2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to take every thought captive  to the mind of Christ. As we read and re-read the Bible, these verses become internalized. When trouble comes, rather than fear the worst, we can rest in the knowledge that God is in control and that He will work all things out for good for us. (Romans 8:28). 

Below are some verses which are well worth memorizing or at least keeping in a convenient place to refer back to when fear and doubt take over.  God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5).  The more we trust those words and turn to Him in our times of need, the stronger we will get and the freer we will be to think positive no matter what the circumstances.  And in this way, the power of Christ is evident in this dark world. 

The recent events in Las Vegas were  horrible and devastating. Yet in the midst of such evil, the love and courage of many was witnessed and experienced. People helped one another, police stood in the way of fire to protect those who were there. Everywhere kindness and support were shown.  No-one and no-thing can stop love and goodness from flourishing just as darkness cannot put out the light. May we trust that God will give us the strength to meet whatever challenges come before us. Through Him we can have peace and know that the victory is ours in Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

“Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7 

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  1 John 4:18

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  Psalm 23:4

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!"  Luke 12:22-24

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38-39

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:30

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2

A Review on ‘To the Bone’

By: Samantha Hicks, LCPC

‘To the Bone’ is a Netflix movie about a young girl who is struggling with an eating disorder. This movie depicts a couple of treatment programs the main character goes through and her struggles with her family. Without giving away details of the movie, if you are interested into the struggle of an eating disorder and difficulties of treatment this movie will help provide some insight into what that world is like. 

Treatment for an eating disorder can be extremely difficult. Unlike treatment with an addiction where someone can avoid the substance they abuse; someone with an eating disorder has to learn an entirely new relationship with food. We are surrounded by food and food advertisements all of the time, so relearning that relationship can take a very long time.

I also appreciate in this movie, even though it is not the focus, that it makes mention of other forms of an eating disorder; such as binge eating. A common thought regarding eating disorders is that it is not a problem because the person is not “too skinny.” According to the DSM, which is how the mental health field categorizes disorders, it states that “…eating disorders are characterized by a persistent disturbance of eating or eating-related behavior that results in the altered consumption or absorption of food and that significantly impairs physical health or psychosocial functioning (p.329).” Depending on the diagnosis there can criteria for weight limits, however most eating disorders are not categorized by below average weight. 

Eating disorders take form in one or multiple of the following ways:

• Restricting- reducing the amount of food intake
• Binging- eating an amount of food in large portions than typically seen
• Purging- throwing ingested food back up
• Over-exercising

The important thing to remember if you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder is seeking help in a variety of ways. Therapy, whether in group or individual, is very helpful to process through the underlying feelings of the behaviors. It is not as simple as just eating. Effective treatment includes other disciplines as well such as a dietitian, doctor, and psychiatrist. Like stated previously, treatment is very difficult and for some it takes an eye-opening or scary incident for true change to occur; which this movie also shows.

Dysfunctional Self-Care Repeats Itself

Dysfunctional self-care would be the things we do to relieve ourselves of our hurt or fear or our anger that ultimately lead to more hurt, fear or anger, etc. An example would be buying stuff excessively on Amazon or another of our favorite shopping places (online or brick and mortar) or explosively venting on the ones we love or trying to manipulate people in order to obtain a specifically desired outcome because we believe that if that outcome happens, our intense hurting feelings would dissipate.

Usually these attempts to care for our wounded feelings are externally focused. Anything or anybody outside of our inner self is the target. We might think, ‘if only I could get THIS, then I would feel better’. THIS could be a new wall color in our bedroom or a specific promise from a lover or a certain pay grade at work or...anything else outside of your own heart that you want. THIS might also include payback to someone who rejected or betrayed or disappointed us. If somebody else changes or something else changes...I would get relief—if only for a while.

People who use porn as a way to find relief from stress or anger are dysfunctionally caring for themselves. A betrayed spouse who obsesses on catching his partner cheating believes he will feel better if he can monitor every phone call and social interaction his wife has and prevent another cheating moment. The belief that if I can show enough rage, scream loud enough or shame completely enough, I can prevent any type of behavior that could hurt me.

Here is the rub: dysfunctional self-care repeats itself. Ask anyone who uses porn or smokes weed or some other life-controlling behavior how they feel soon after his or her latest use and the common answer is ashamed, embarrassed, fearful or worthless. Those specific feelings: shame, embarrassment, fear or worthlessness are among our most painful feelings. Do you see how externalizing our self-care dysfunctionally perpetuates itself? If you use your acting out behavior as a way to soothe your difficult feelings and it leads to more painful feelings, you are very likely to be right back at it again in order to find relief from more pain not less pain.

Was it Einstein who said, 'doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome is insanity’? Maybe we all have a little crazy in us but trying to soothe our hurt or fear, etc. by doing something that leads to more feelings that need more care really is crazy—we are all strugglers in some way. I also realize the short-term relief that comes from our acting out brings us back to it. It is rather addicting for sure!

Because it is so addicting, it’s really difficult to simply stop on our own. Find some key relationships that can encourage, speak truth, support and/or just be present with you without judging in your struggle. My faith in Jesus and important truth-tellers in my life have provided me many of these. A skilled counselor can help, a wise mentor, Pastor or healthier family member can as well. Reach out! There are people and resources who are equipped to help with such a struggle. 

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Seasonal Affective Disorder

For many people in the country, autumn is a celebrated time of year with trips to the pumpkin patch, apple orchards, and halloween decorations.  But for others, autumn marks the beginning of their Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  Like the slow change of the leaves from green, to yellow to red, SAD also comes gradually.  SAD is a form of depression that brings a potentially heavy list of symptoms including; loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, low energy, sleep difficulties, changes in appetite, moody, sluggish, agitated, hopelessness and even suicidal thoughts.

There are three types of treatment that have been proven to help with SAD.  The first is talk therapy.  That means meeting with a counselor to discuss symptoms and then coming up with strategies to cope with the difficulties that you are currently facing.  Phototherapy (or light therapy) is another form of treatment which involves sitting under special lights that produce ultraviolet light, simulating the sun’s rays.  The third form of treatment is medication which you could discuss with your doctor.

At Heritage Counseling Center, we partner with our clients to work through the frustrations associated with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Don’t let another winter go by while suffering with these symptoms, we are here to help! Call 815-577-8970 today to schedule an appointment.

815-577-8970.

24020 W. Riverwalk Court

Suite 100

Plainfield IL 60544

By: Nick Smith, LCPC

Five Reasons to Forgive

Forgiveness can be a very hard thing to do at times.  It is a mental action which we can do one day and then feel anger or resentment come up on another day after we have chosen to forgive. Sometimes it can seem futile and confusing as to whether we have forgiven or not.  From what I have experienced, it is a daily practice as are so many things when we are in touch with God and know what He wants us to do, yet find that doing them is not always the decision we make.  Thankfully, we have a very forgiving God Who takes us back time and time again when we have fallen short of the standard we know is best for ourselves and others. 

So, from my own frame of reference, the first reason to forgive is that God has forgiven us. How do we know that?  Because of what He did for us as a demonstration of His great love and ability to forgive. How many of us would be able to be bullied, beaten and killed for our enemies? As we know, that is what Jesus did and it is even incomprehensible to someone who does not know Jesus as Lord and Savior. Who would forgive a murderer? Who would forgive a rapist? Only someone whose love surpasses our understanding. And who knows our weaknesses better that we ourselves do. When God asks me to forgive, it is a small thing in comparison to what He has accomplished on the cross.

The second reason that I see is because of my awareness of my own sin. It really helps when I can recognize the many mistakes that I have made over and over again. No, I haven't killed anyone physically, robbed a bank or committed a felony, but I know that many a time I have been the cause of deep hurt in another, have wasted time that cannot be replaced, and have been thoughtless in my actions. If we are honest with ourselves, we have all done things wrong, hurt another person and made mistakes in our lives. As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I become more sensitive to my own behavior and the impact it has on others. It makes it easier to forgive having the self-awareness that God provides when I seek His truth. Knowing that I need forgiveness too and being thankful when it's given is a reason for me to also forgive others.

The third reason I think forgiveness is important is that unforgiveness is harmful to our own bodies, minds, souls and spirits. Unwillingness to forgive leads to resentment. It has been said that harboring resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Resentment can lead to bitterness and hardness of heart, which can cause more stress, high blood pressure, depression and a host of physical and emotional ailments. The only one being hurt is the one who got hurt in the first place. Therefore it is essential that we come to a place where we realize that letting go of resentment and unforgiveness is about our own mental and physical health as well as our happiness in life. 

The forth reason to forgive is that God is just and God is merciful. He has shown mercy and will continue to forgive us throughout our whole lives. He asks that we confess our sins and repent of them. That is part of being a true Christian. Sometimes we don't know what we have done. Jesus said at the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they've done." (Luke 23:34).  Oftentimes when we have been wronged, the other person is not in touch with how much we've been hurt. We may need to ask God to put the forgiveness in our hearts, especially if they're not aware of what they've done or aren't willing to apologize. God is a just God and I believe that each person will learn at some point what the truth is.

The fifth reason for forgiveness that comes to my mind is because love requires it. A relationship cannot survive without it. Sometimes a hurt is so strong and the damage that's been caused prevents the relationship from being able to reconcile. However forgiveness is still needed based on the reasons above. For ongoing relationships, there will be times when each person makes mistakes, slips back into old behavior, or steps on our toes. Talking it through, sharing feelings, and listening to each other in order to understand why things happened the way they did, can facilitate forgiveness and healing. As each person does their part in taking responsibility for making amends and forgiving each other, a love relationship can grow and thrive. Forgiveness, to me, is one of the foundational actions of a solid, loving relationship.

By: Francine Costanza, MA, LCPC 

Overdose Awareness

August 31^st was International Overdose Awareness Day. Raising awareness over this day is crucial. There is a large stigma around substance use which causes people to struggle with getting the help that they need or even admitting that they need help. Overdose is a preventable death and thousands of people die each year from overdose that come from all walks of life.  

Some signs of overdose are below and if you notice them do not hesitate to seek medical attention;

• Dizziness
• Vomiting
• Nausea
• Abdominal cramps
• Seizures
• Diarrhea 
• Chest pains
• Any drastic changes in behavior

Not only is this day important to acknowledge overdose and work towards further prevention of this death; it is also important to support the people who have lost someone to overdose. It is a very difficult topic for someone to discuss when they have lost someone in such a drastic, unpredictable way. 

Personally, I experienced an overdose of someone very close to me when I was in college. He had almost two years of sobriety when he relapsed. I did not want to talk about it and did not acknowledge any thoughts or emotions for two years. Eventually, the emotions began to come out in ways that I did not expect and I was forced to talk about it to begin the grieving process. Talking about it has lifted a burden I did not know I was carrying. It has helped me connect to my clients and other people in my life on a deeper level. There is no shame in talking about someone who has passed away from overdose. In allowing ourselves to talk about this we can find support and comfort in others. I have now even found a way to honor him in the work that I am doing each day. 

There is no shame in seeking substance use treatment for someone you love or for yourself. There is no shame to talk about someone who has passed away from overdose. We have to bring a voice to this cause.

By: Sam Hicks, LCPC

Peace of God Beats Anxious Desperation

Why do you suppose God advises we find our peace in Him rather than our circumstances? To some people this seems obvious and therefore silly to even ask. To others this is a real question that is very difficult to even focus on due to the intensity of the fear they feel. I don’t ask the question to cause guilt or shame. Fear is a very real feeling caused by a number of components.

Fear and anxiety can be such a painful and uncomfortable feeling—so painful or uncomfortable that it leads to a desperate search for relief. That desperation pushes us to look at our circumstances to force-quit our anxiousness. We start to believe that if we can alter our circumstances, we can force our anxiousness to subside. There is a problem with this thinking however and that is that many circumstances are out of our control OR require us to control someone else. There is no ‘force-quit’ mechanism as much as we might try. How do we do this?

We use anger or fear to get people to change their way of thinking or behavior OR we obsess about the outcome that we believe would make our anxiousness go away.  All at the end of the day will more than likely leave you feeling as much or more anxious. The hard truth is that the more we go to our old methods to cope with our desperation, the more we are returned to the same old desperate, unresolved feelings of anxiousness. If this has been a struggle for you, then you know exactly what I am writing about.

More often than not, even if our best-case dreams happen, the anxiousness might subside only for a moment or a few days if we are fortunate.  Anxiety feelings lead us to magical thinking—if a certain hoped for outcome happens, I will be okay, if it doesn’t happen, I will not be okay—so I better put all my efforts into making it happen. As you wait and try to orchestrate your outcome, your anxiety will almost surely escalate back up to the desperation stage.

What is the answer to the question? God knows that only He is the solid Rock that won’t crumble when life challenges us to the core. Jesus is recorded in the Gospels as saying, ‘I will never leave you’. In your worst moment of fear, He is with you. You do not have to try harder, think smarter, perform better. He is here with you.  That is why the Apostle Paul described a peace that transcends our circumstances that will guard our hearts and minds.

This kind of faith seems abstract but as you allow it to grow, you will find a place to come and rest in your mind when your anxious feelings begin to ramp up again.  Knowing of His presence can help you give up the desperate trying and rest…and wait as your anxiousness floods over you and then subsides. 

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Grocery Store of Life

Some time ago at church I heard a sermon and some of the points the pastor made resonated in me.  Id like to attempt to convey the thoughts he shared.

"Have you ever gotten a call from someone, perhaps your spouse or a parent, asking you to pick something  from the grocery store?  Just one item was all you needed to get so you naturally respond that you'll stop and get it.  So you find the store and pull into the parking lot.  You find a great spot and you park your car.  Your walk/jog into the store where you bypass the buggys and baskets because you know you're only getting one thing.  And somewhere between the produce section and aisle 4 you realize something, you have forgotten what that item was you were to get.  You gather yourself and psych yourself up to head on to the journey.  The journey that takes you from aisle to aisle as you do the bobble head looking to and fro on all the shelves.  With 100 million items in the store you're just hoping and praying that the item will just jump out at you saying "HERE I AM!"  Alas, you find that item and you make your way to the check out aisle and you head home." - Pastor Joel Labertew

How many of you can relate to that?  Unashamedly I've done that a number of times.  Well, unfortunately that is how so many people do life.  We go about it and then something catches our attention and we run into the 'project' yet failing to achieve what we set out to do.  Other things get our attention while we are on our way to do this or that.  The monotony of everyday life gets in the way of us achieving so many goals, dreams and aspirations.  I've met too many people who talk a lot but they don't DO a lot.  They talk about their goals and their dreams but they don't do anything to achieve them.  We become unbalanced and we become unfulfilled.  Don't just live a monotnous life but a balanced & fulfilled one!

Until next time,
Terri LaRae, LCPC

Rookie Mistake

This year my daughter started her junior year in high school.  What a whirlwind this time of year can be for those with school age kids.  It reminds me of the first day of her freshman year.  We were both new to the whole high school thing, new routines, new rules, new everything.  I remember driving up to the school and taking one look at the line where everyone seemed to be dropping off their kids and thought, no way.  I figured there must be a better way then the enormous line before me and so, what I thought was a brilliant idea, I took different route, only to discover I couldn’t get in that way.  Not wanting to give up and being determined to find a better way I thought I would just drop her off in the parking lot adjacent to the entrance.  Maybe some of you can relate to this story literally, or maybe you can relate because you’ve been in a situation that you thought you could find a better way, a better option then what was being presented.

As I drove up and was thinking I had found an alternative; I had several people frantically waving at me.  I was completely confused and then worried, but did manage to drop her off.  As I drove off I realized that I had just driven into the drop off lot for busses ONLY.  I’m guessing this caused quite a commotion for the bus drivers, hence the waving and yelling at me.

I love finding new and resourceful avenues, a better way or alternative.  I dislike when I make a mistake in the process.  This was a big mistake.  Thanks goodness I was in a get away car and completely oblivious in the moment, but the feeling the mistake left on me lingered.  The reality is that we all make mistakes.  Some of our mistakes have bigger consequences then others, sometimes we are the only ones who know we’ve messed up, either way it’s usually not a feel good moment.

Sometimes we internalize our mistakes and make them a part of ourselves, this can have negative effects on who we think we are, a healthier mindset is being able to learn from our mistakes and make the learning a part of who we are becoming.  We are all always becoming.  Mistake and failures help us grow and learn.  They actually are needed in everyone’s life.  No one tells us this, we are told be successful and then you are a winner.  We hear mostly of people’s successes, leaving feelings of failure.   The key is to embrace your failures, embrace the mistakes in life, accept them as opportunities to grow, and know that everyone, even if they do not admit it, makes mistakes.  Mistakes are not who we are, mistakes are opportunities to become something bigger.

The second week of school I had to go into the office to drop something off and so I owned up my mistake to the ladies at the front desk.  They were so gracious and chalked it up to a rookie mistake that anyone could make.  So what did I learn?  I learned that rookies make mistakes.  I learned where the drop off is and that you have to wait in line, but it does go quick.  I learned sometime there are reasons for rules and there are no shortcuts.  I also learned to be tolerant of those who are making mistakes when dropping off their kids at school because maybe, just maybe they are the rookie that day.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Cell Phone Jail

I recently missed a phone call from my brother. His voicemail said something along the lines of “I sure hope I’m not locked in cell phone jail right now. Call me back.” The “cell phone jail” he was lovingly referring to was my Be Present Box.

You might be wondering why in the world I would have a little box like this in my home, so allow me to explain. After realizing how much time was wasted on our phones and how much time my husband and I spent near each other without ever really connecting, I wanted to create a visual reminder that would help us be more intentional with our time. This little box sits on a shelf in the corner of our kitchen near our table – a place where we spend a decent amount of our time together. Its words prompt us to think twice about what we are doing with our time, and its presence is a visual reminder that there is more to life than technology and the latest things happening on Facebook or Instagram. 

Are we being present with each other or are we off in some other world missing out on true connection? 

It is far to easy to mindlessly scroll through my phone, but at what cost? I am missing out on opportunities for conversation or the small details of non verbal communication like the mischievous grins or looks of concern that tell me he has had a difficult day. I am missing out on true connection and trading it for a sense of connection that will leave me empty handed at the end of the day. My phone is a distraction, and if I am not careful, it will lead to a disconnection. 

Although I do not have any kids in school, the start of the school season always brings about a sort of getting back into a routine. One routine I want to work hard at getting into my life is using our “Be Present” box. Summer threw our schedule off, and my husband and I have gotten out of the habit of keeping our phones in this box when we are home together. This summer that little box became a catch all spot for the things my husband needed to take with him to work, but as I have been thinking about what routines I want back in my life, I have realized that little box did more for me than I thought. The “Be Present” box helped me to break some of the chains the technology tried to bind me with. 

I’m vowing to get back into the habit of putting my phone in its proper place and spending quality time intentionally connecting with the ones I love. Will you join me? 

If you’d like to read more on technology and families, check out these previous blog posts that I have written on the topic here or here. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Marriage Meditation

If you are married, there is a 100% percent chance that your spouse will hurt you. They might not do it intentionally and the wound might not be severe. But it will happen. How do you respond to your spouses hurtful actions? Do you store them in your mind for use as a weapon in future conversations? Do you demand penance and groveling to make up for the behavior? Do you threaten? Coerce? I hope this short article serves as a quick reflection on your actions in your relationships (because this same principle applies to all relationships really).  This article as also written for those who aren’t in situations of major abuse.

There are many different ways to respond to hurts. But depending on how we respond, we can either make things worse or begin the process of healing. It is our responsibility as the offended party to make the next move. Sometimes, this next move is a difficult one to make. Other times, it is made quickly and without much thought. This of course varies on the offense. How do we know know the next best move to make? 

Taking the next step is best done after thinking about how God responds to our downfalls, negative tendencies, shortcomings, failures and struggles? Does he hang them over our head and remind us of them regularly? Does he quickly administer punishment?  A verse about God’s character being slow to anger comes to mind. In difficulties with our spouse, it's easy to lose perspective because marriages are so central to our self worth and security. And in those moments we need to remind ourselves, that Christ is our security, not our spouse. 

How do you respond to these difficulties within your own marriage?  I hope this quick read is helpful in realigning your typical responses to your spouse.  I hope you reflect on the way God responds to us and ask Him to show you the ways in which you can improve communications with you spouse. 

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LCPC

Dear Parent, Please Be In the Know

Dear Parent, 

I caved in last Thursday. Not because I wanted to but because I felt I needed to. I watched the first episode of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. I felt like it was my duty as a mental health professional to start watching the show so that I would be equipped to engage in the difficult conversations. 

I work with quite a few adolescents in my counseling office, and when I started to realize that a significant number of them were coming in talking about this 13 Reasons Why show, I experienced the urge to know exactly what they were talking about. As a professional counselor, mental health conversations fill my days. Unfortunately, suicidal ideation is something that also comes up in my office. Therefore, a show that claims to portray what it is like to be a teenager and claims to address the topic of suicide was something I needed to know about, so last Thursday, my husband and I sat down and watched the first episode. 

Now you might wonder how I can write a blog post after watching only one episode, but I have done my fair amount of researching and article reading from people who have watched the entire show. The consensus among experts in the mental health field seems to be a sense of concern. The first episode alone raised so many concerns for me that I question whether I want to fill my mind with the rest of the show. There’s the whole topic of suicide, yes, but there’s a host of other concerns that were brought up in a short fifty-two minutes. Underage drinking, inappropriate language usage, insinuated sex, gossip, bullying, and the list continues. 

The show is rated TV-MA (which means designed for adults with content that may be inappropriate for children under the age of 17) but pushed the boundaries of that since it’s a Netflix original. The creators of 13 Reasons Why have indicated that they wanted to create a show that depicted the reality facing teenagers today. I believe they set out with good intentions of trying to create conversations about what it is like to be a teenager, but unfortunately, these intentions fall short. While I do not think the creators and producers of this show intentionally wanted to glamourize suicide, unfortunately, this is what seems to be happening. 

Regardless of those concerns that I have about this show, there is something I feel even more obligated to share. Parent, you need to know about this show and you need to talk about this show with your teen. 13 Reasons Why is incredibly trendy right now, but it is also graphic and dark. I can almost guarantee your teen has heard talk about it, and if your teen is hearing about it or watching it, then you need to be in the know. I am begging you, parent, please do your job. You have been entrusted with your children, and one of your many jobs as a parent is that of a guide. You are crucial in shepherding their hearts and navigating them through the difficult waters of adolescence. You are a valuable asset in helping your teen blossom and thrive. 

Teenagers want to fit in; your teen might feel the need to watch this show simply so he or she can engage in conversation with friends (because that is what teenagers do), but this is a show that carries risk with it. Suicide is a serious topic. Far too many teenagers watch Netflix alone in their rooms, but 13 Reasons Why is not a show teenagers should be watching in isolation. Watch the show with your teenager, if you even allow them to watch it at all. Be informed so that you are well prepared to engage in dialogue, and please do not shy away from talking with him or her about what they are watching. Be intentional in your parenting because your teenager needs you. 

One of the developmental tasks of adolescence is individuation from a parent. Teenagers are clarifying and developing their own set of values and creating their own sense of identity (all good things), but their brains are still developing which means critical thinking can be difficult and their identity can be largely informed by the culture surrounding the teen (which becomes a concern in situations such as this). I know parenting is not easy. You job is difficult because your teen can be difficult, but it remains your job, nonetheless, to approach difficult conversations and to help your child analyze and clarify their view. 

Suicide is not and never will be glamorous. It is and always will be a tragedy, which is something I think this show fails to convey. While I appreciate that 13 Reasons Why is creating some conversation around the subject, I am concerned that the conversation is one sided. This is not the only way to address suicide.  13 Reasons Why makes it seem like suicide is the answer to all of Hannah’s problems, and I fear that teenagers who watch it will be susceptible to believing that suicide or self harm might be the answer to all of their problems too. There are other ways to deal with the curveballs this life throws, and the show fails to provide any alternatives. Suicide is not about getting revenge, as Hannah seems to think it is, and it is not the solution to problems of bullying, rape, or gossip. Everything I have read about this show seems to say that the show conveys the opposite. Suicide is almost always connected to significant mental health concerns, and again, from what I can tell, this show fails to connect the two. There are almost always warning signs that accompany suicide, but Hannah’s suicide seems to come out of the blue. Your teenager needs to know these things. 

Life is valuable. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. We have been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). We are fearfully and wonderfully made – known by the Creator of the universe (Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Corinthians 8:3). Yes, we live in a broken world filled with evil (which this show conveys quite well), but the evil that surrounds us does not negate the value of life. As Christians, we place our hope in the reality that darkness does not win (John 1:5). Scripture is clear that Jesus’ resurrection from the grave conquers death, but right now, we still live in the world that is affected by brokenness, pain, sorrow, and death. Shows like this make me long even more for the day that has been promised when every tear will be wiped away and death will be no more (Revelation 21:4, Isaiah 25:8). 

Would I recommend that your teenager watch this show? Probably not, and if your teenager has struggled in the past or is currently struggling with depression, self-harm, or suicidal ideation, I highly recommend avoiding this show as it has seemed to be an unintentional trigger for some teens who have previously dealt with those things. If your child chooses to watch this show, it should not be done alone and without a discussion. I recognize that a lot of teenagers are already watching it and talking about what they are seeing, so I want to encourage you: Parent, be in the know and talk with your teenager. Engage in the difficult conversations, and get your teen to think critically about what they are watching. Point them to Christ and the hope He offers and make sure that they know they are valuable to you. 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 (emphasis mine) 

Wondering how to engage in a dialogue (not a lecture) with your teen? I particularly liked the questions this article provides for starting that discussion, and if you want to read more articles on this show regarding concerns from mental health professionals, these articles were ones I found to be helpful.  “A Counselor’s Response to 13 Reasons Why” “There Are More Than 13 Reasons Why Your Life Matters” and “13 Reasons Why and It’s Unintended Consequences”

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression or suicidal ideation, please reach out to get help. The journey of depression is not one that needs to be walked alone, and Heritage Counseling Center is here to walk with you. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC