The Destructive Force of Envy

Envy is one of those 'little' sins that most of us don't worry about too much. Really now, it can't be that big of a deal can it? It certainly doesn't hurt my neighbor if I secretly despise him because he has a better lawn or house or gadgets does it? For sure it doesn't hurt Hillary or Donald if I am disgruntled because they are both uber rich. Perhaps not but let me suggest other ways envy hurts--in fact destroys.  

Envy strikes at the heart of your ability to be happy. Ask yourself how many times a week do you find yourself dissatisfied because something in your life--your clothes, health, financial presentation, number of vacations you get, where you can or cannot go on vacation, your spouse, your kids’ academic, athletic or musical performance, or fill in the blank is not up to the expectations you have set in your heart.  

Envy is a feeling of discontent with regard to another person’s success, advantages, or possessions. More often than we care to admit, the standard of our unmet expectations comes from what another person has. Think about this: when you look at someone else who appears to have better and believe you should be the same, you give up autonomy. No longer are you in control of whether you can be happy because it depends completely on another person's status--a status that you do not control.  

Try something different from envy. Look across to your neighbor or the source of your envy and practice being happy for them. The Apostle Paul wrote way back in the first century, "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn". While it may feel a bit like 'fake it til you make it', you will make it and the burden of your own envy will begin to dissipate.  

At first the instinctive force of envy will resist the attempts to be happy for someone else's status like storm waves pounding on the rocks. Envy is a force to be reckoned with in every person’s life. Hear yourself flat out refuse to be happy for another person's status. Listen to your thoughts as they try to justify envy with social justice arguments. In this case, envy is the devil and if you could hear me like one of those old time preacher’s passionate plea, "resist the devil! And he will flee from you!!" 

Envy is a model for not only your children to follow but the rest of the kids in the neighborhood as well. We teach children to compare their status only with those with perceived better statuses and we essentially teach our children to be unhappy. See how this could be destructive to them as they grow older?  

Envy leads us to feel like we have experienced a loss even though we can't lose what we never had. Perhaps you have a real loss and your envy is in part rooted in that loss. Children don't understand this and will learn to be unhappy via the early learned practice of envy.  Might I suggest to you grieve your losses well but avoid the practice of envy as a grieving instrument. Envy might in fact delay your recovery from any painful loss.  

Envy leads us to be vulnerable to shady ad campaigns and political agendas. More so than at any other time in my lifetime, politicians have pitted people groups against each other for votes. It also seems like destructive anger is escalating. Envy might lead to social change but certainly not for the better. Again envy takes away your autonomy and gives it to the politician who more than likely will get richer and more powerful off a generation's envy AND at the expense of their general contentment. Can you see how each of us are vulnerable to be manipulated via drummed up envy? 

When I was a kid, my parents heated our house with oil. I remember a huge underground tank that had to be refilled every so often to keep the heat on. There were a few times my parents scrambled to buy fuel for heat due to hard times. It was a costly fuel that needed replenishment. Envy is an unlimited fuel to your daily frustration or even anger and it powerfully burns away our ability to be content.  

Fact is, challenging yourself to be content and redirecting the continuous flow of envious thoughts to a higher ground will not only lead to a better quality of life for you but the kids in the neighborhood and ultimately the world around us.  

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

The Complexity of Emotion

People are complex. Life is complex. Things are not always clear-cut. That’s true for emotions, too. They can be very complex. Sometimes it’s clear what we are feeling. Something goes right and we feel happy. Something goes wrong and we feel frustrated. But sometimes it’s not so clear what we’re feeling. Either the emotions are mixed-up so we can’t tell what we’re feeling right away, or we’re feeling more than one emotion at once – sometimes even conflicting emotions. 

This is because often times a happy event (let’s say a wedding for example) also brings with it emotions of stress and sometimes even a sense of loss – you’re happy you’re getting married and wouldn’t change it for the world, but you’re stressed about planning it and everything that entails, and there may also be a sense of loss about leaving the stage of life you’ve been in or the level of independence you had as you move into more interdependence. The opposite can happen, too, where something that is overall a sad event also has elements of relief or even happiness. Sometimes emotions are layered – we might notice a protective emotion first (like anger), but underneath that anger is a more vulnerable emotion (like fear or sadness). 

Let’s give space to ourselves and others to feel emotions – all of them, even when there are multiple emotions, and even when there are conflicting emotions. Remember not to let the emotion control your behavior. Instead, take time to recognize what you’re thinking (in general or about situations leading up to the emotion) and figure out what you need. Be aware when interacting with others that a situation that may seem positive to you, may be negative or mixed for someone else. Instead of immediately stating what you would perceive the situation to be, take time to reflect what you see the other person experiencing; therefore validating their emotional experience. For example, “You look torn about this”. If you aren’t sure what they’re experiencing, ask. For example, “I can’t tell how you’re feeling about this…what are you experiencing?” By putting these things into practice, the complexity of emotion can become less daunting. Our emotions will also better be able to serve their purpose of helping us experience life, connecting to ourselves and others, providing us with information, and giving us energy to appropriate action rather than reacting.

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

Everyday 12 Steps, Part One

The 12-steps were designed originally for men struggling with an addiction to alcohol. Over the years these steps have been applied to many other addictions and struggles and can be used by anyone. Many people who work the steps say that steps one through three are steps that should be done on a daily basis. In the 12 steps for Christians, step one states:

We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God-that our lives had become unmanageable

We come into this world with the seed of sin already in us due to the fall. It does not take long to look into this world or at the news and see the sinful nature of humans. This can be extremely defeating to look at. We have immense amounts of hope, however, because we know that God has an amazing plan for us and He will win in the end.

Romans 7:18 is a verse paired with this step that states: “I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

On a daily basis, we can admit that our lives are unmanageable and we cannot carry out the good we would like to without the help of God. This may sound very disempowering and feel as though we are failing. However, God is great! When we admit this powerlessness we are made strong in Him. This power is greater than any human strength we can muster.

God can and will carry out His good works through you and will give you the strength to face any challenge that you face today.

By: Sam Hicks, LPC