Dear Parent,
I caved in last Thursday. Not because I wanted to but because I felt I needed to. I watched the first episode of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. I felt like it was my duty as a mental health professional to start watching the show so that I would be equipped to engage in the difficult conversations.
I work with quite a few adolescents in my counseling office, and when I started to realize that a significant number of them were coming in talking about this 13 Reasons Why show, I experienced the urge to know exactly what they were talking about. As a professional counselor, mental health conversations fill my days. Unfortunately, suicidal ideation is something that also comes up in my office. Therefore, a show that claims to portray what it is like to be a teenager and claims to address the topic of suicide was something I needed to know about, so last Thursday, my husband and I sat down and watched the first episode.
Now you might wonder how I can write a blog post after watching only one episode, but I have done my fair amount of researching and article reading from people who have watched the entire show. The consensus among experts in the mental health field seems to be a sense of concern. The first episode alone raised so many concerns for me that I question whether I want to fill my mind with the rest of the show. There’s the whole topic of suicide, yes, but there’s a host of other concerns that were brought up in a short fifty-two minutes. Underage drinking, inappropriate language usage, insinuated sex, gossip, bullying, and the list continues.
The show is rated TV-MA (which means designed for adults with content that may be inappropriate for children under the age of 17) but pushed the boundaries of that since it’s a Netflix original. The creators of 13 Reasons Why have indicated that they wanted to create a show that depicted the reality facing teenagers today. I believe they set out with good intentions of trying to create conversations about what it is like to be a teenager, but unfortunately, these intentions fall short. While I do not think the creators and producers of this show intentionally wanted to glamourize suicide, unfortunately, this is what seems to be happening.
Regardless of those concerns that I have about this show, there is something I feel even more obligated to share. Parent, you need to know about this show and you need to talk about this show with your teen. 13 Reasons Why is incredibly trendy right now, but it is also graphic and dark. I can almost guarantee your teen has heard talk about it, and if your teen is hearing about it or watching it, then you need to be in the know. I am begging you, parent, please do your job. You have been entrusted with your children, and one of your many jobs as a parent is that of a guide. You are crucial in shepherding their hearts and navigating them through the difficult waters of adolescence. You are a valuable asset in helping your teen blossom and thrive.
Teenagers want to fit in; your teen might feel the need to watch this show simply so he or she can engage in conversation with friends (because that is what teenagers do), but this is a show that carries risk with it. Suicide is a serious topic. Far too many teenagers watch Netflix alone in their rooms, but 13 Reasons Why is not a show teenagers should be watching in isolation. Watch the show with your teenager, if you even allow them to watch it at all. Be informed so that you are well prepared to engage in dialogue, and please do not shy away from talking with him or her about what they are watching. Be intentional in your parenting because your teenager needs you.
One of the developmental tasks of adolescence is individuation from a parent. Teenagers are clarifying and developing their own set of values and creating their own sense of identity (all good things), but their brains are still developing which means critical thinking can be difficult and their identity can be largely informed by the culture surrounding the teen (which becomes a concern in situations such as this). I know parenting is not easy. You job is difficult because your teen can be difficult, but it remains your job, nonetheless, to approach difficult conversations and to help your child analyze and clarify their view.
Suicide is not and never will be glamorous. It is and always will be a tragedy, which is something I think this show fails to convey. While I appreciate that 13 Reasons Why is creating some conversation around the subject, I am concerned that the conversation is one sided. This is not the only way to address suicide. 13 Reasons Why makes it seem like suicide is the answer to all of Hannah’s problems, and I fear that teenagers who watch it will be susceptible to believing that suicide or self harm might be the answer to all of their problems too. There are other ways to deal with the curveballs this life throws, and the show fails to provide any alternatives. Suicide is not about getting revenge, as Hannah seems to think it is, and it is not the solution to problems of bullying, rape, or gossip. Everything I have read about this show seems to say that the show conveys the opposite. Suicide is almost always connected to significant mental health concerns, and again, from what I can tell, this show fails to connect the two. There are almost always warning signs that accompany suicide, but Hannah’s suicide seems to come out of the blue. Your teenager needs to know these things.
Life is valuable. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. We have been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). We are fearfully and wonderfully made – known by the Creator of the universe (Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Corinthians 8:3). Yes, we live in a broken world filled with evil (which this show conveys quite well), but the evil that surrounds us does not negate the value of life. As Christians, we place our hope in the reality that darkness does not win (John 1:5). Scripture is clear that Jesus’ resurrection from the grave conquers death, but right now, we still live in the world that is affected by brokenness, pain, sorrow, and death. Shows like this make me long even more for the day that has been promised when every tear will be wiped away and death will be no more (Revelation 21:4, Isaiah 25:8).
Would I recommend that your teenager watch this show? Probably not, and if your teenager has struggled in the past or is currently struggling with depression, self-harm, or suicidal ideation, I highly recommend avoiding this show as it has seemed to be an unintentional trigger for some teens who have previously dealt with those things. If your child chooses to watch this show, it should not be done alone and without a discussion. I recognize that a lot of teenagers are already watching it and talking about what they are seeing, so I want to encourage you: Parent, be in the know and talk with your teenager. Engage in the difficult conversations, and get your teen to think critically about what they are watching. Point them to Christ and the hope He offers and make sure that they know they are valuable to you.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 (emphasis mine)
Wondering how to engage in a dialogue (not a lecture) with your teen? I particularly liked the questions this article provides for starting that discussion, and if you want to read more articles on this show regarding concerns from mental health professionals, these articles were ones I found to be helpful. “A Counselor’s Response to 13 Reasons Why” “There Are More Than 13 Reasons Why Your Life Matters” and “13 Reasons Why and It’s Unintended Consequences”
If you or a loved one is struggling with depression or suicidal ideation, please reach out to get help. The journey of depression is not one that needs to be walked alone, and Heritage Counseling Center is here to walk with you.
By: Amanda Paben, LPC
