The Power of Validation

Parents quite frequently come into my office wondering how they can best help their child face an obstacle in life. Whether a child is struggling with anxiety, being bullied at school, wrestling with depression, or facing some other difficult experience, my answer is typically the same: validate the emotions. Children want to be heard, and they want to know that what they feel matters. 

Every person feels several different emotions on a daily basis.  Children experience similar emotions to adults such as anger, sadness, fear, and frustration, but unlike adults, children have a hard time articulating and understanding their emotions. When this happens, they often express emotions physically or in other inappropriate ways. This means that strong emotions typically evoke strong responses in children. For example, when six-year-old Abigail gets frustrated riding her bike, she gets off and pushes it over into the grass and stomps off, or when nine-year-old Nate struggles with a math problem, he throws the pencil on the floor and slams the door to his room. 

Rather than getting frustrated with the behavior, parents have an opportunity in this moment to teach their children about emotions and validate the child’s experience. Validation acknowledges the child’s feelings and helps the child to know that it is okay to feel different emotions, especially intense, negative ones (like anger or sadness). Validation does not mean a parent is confirming that the child’s emotions are right or wrong, and it does not mean that the parent is condoning the behavior or agreeing with the feeling. It simply means the parent sees and understands the child’s emotional experience. Essentially, parents are communicating, “I can see that you are feeling a certain way. It’s okay.” In validation, parents recognize the inner state of the child’s experience and convey acceptance of the child. 

Too often I hear parents telling their kids to not feel a certain way. It sounds like this, “Don’t be frustrated about your homework” or “You don’t have to be upset about your friends going home”. When these types of statements are said, children hear that they are not supposed to feel a certain way leaving them spiraling out of control and confused.  This is called invalidation. Behaviors tend to escalate as the child tries to find some way to express the emotion and gain an understanding of the intense feeling. Parents who try to correct, negate, or deny will most likely find that their child’s emotional state becomes even more intense. Doing this teaches children that their emotions are not important. On the other hand, parents who validate the emotion will likely notice the child gain more control. Using language that acknowledges the child’s feelings like “I can see your homework is getting you frustrated” or “You really wish your friends could stay longer. You are sad to see them leave” helps the child to understand and to learn how to effectively express and manage their emotional states.  

Validation has several benefits. It is likely to decrease problem behaviors, defuse intense emotional states, strengthen the parent-child connection, and help the child to feel understood. When children are understood, they will likely feel more in control of their problems. Validation also helps kids know it is okay to feel negative emotions. Too often kids do not want to feel sad or mad because it creates an unpleasant feeling inside. Negative emotions might make kids feel ashamed, embarrassed, or confused. Validation helps the child learn to manage and cope with those negative states rather than run from them, and it helps to learn that these feelings are normal. 

Validation is a rather simple technique that can easily be put into practice. Start by paying attention to the child’s spoken words and unspoken behaviors.  Show your child that you are paying attention and understand. Listen actively and attentively. Label the emotions your child might be experiencing in a gentle way and help vocalize them. Pay attention to how your child responds after you label an emotion. If parents miss the emotion, a child’s behavior tends to escalate. Work hard to not correct or deny the emotion. In doing this, you allow the child to feel what they experience. Simply communicate your presence and understanding to the child. Intense emotional states suddenly diminish when the child feels heard and accepted. Parents who validate their child’s emotional experiences help to develop better emotional intelligence creating a more well-adjusted, socially competent child. 

Are you still struggling to understand how to implement validation words? Here are some examples: 

• “I can see that you are really mad about that right now.” 
• “You look really upset.” 
• “Wow. That really hurt your feelings.” 
• “You are really missing her.” 
• “Your homework is hard, and it is making you want to give up right now.”  
• “You are feeling mad at me for not letting you go over to your friend’s house.” 

There is power in validation. Are you ready to experience it?

By: Amanda Paben, LPC