Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

What exactly is emotional intelligence? According to Andrew Coleman’s Dictionary of Psychology:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior. 

The term was first used by Wayne Payne is his doctoral thesis. It was made popular by Daniel Goleman at the publishing of his book, Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. I don’t know if it matters more than IQ but I can understand Mr. Goleman’s reasoning. Someone can be very “smart” yet if they can’t control their temper it can lead to devastating consequences.  I would say that it is probably equally as important as general intelligence and likely an element of overall human intelligence.

Our emotions can seem to have a lot of power. But they are really our teachers and informants to what is happening internally as we experience life, relationships, and circumstances that come our way.  They indicate to us what we believe and how strongly we believe it.  They signal to us different needs and desires we have as human beings and individuals.  When we use our emotional intelligence rather than reacting to or avoiding these feelings that come up, we are able to look at the thoughts that go with these emotions.  Are they grounded in reality?  Are they the whole truth or a partial truth?  Are they looking at the surface of things or taking in the bigger picture?  Are they a reaction to a past event being recalled in a present experience?

First, we must be able to identify what emotion we are feeling.  Is it sadness, anger, joy, fear or loneliness? In order to recognize what emotion we’re feeling, we must be able to sit with it and experience it.  Often a person’s response is to overreact to a negative feeling by avoiding it, escaping it, being aggressive or denying it. This happens when we give the emotion too much power, as though we can’t handle the feelings, that they will somehow overtake us or harm us.  If we can understand that these emotions are there to help us know what we need and take care of ourselves then we might be more inclined to let them be there as we ask ourselves the questions above. In doing so, we can learn from them and respond to them in healthy, self-respecting, loving ways.  

The Bible talks about self-control as a fruit of the Spirit. According to Paul in Galatians 5, the more we are led by the Spirit of God, the more we will experience this fruit and have abundant life. The first fruit is love, followed by joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.  I find it interesting that love is at the beginning and self-control is at the end, (Gal. 5:22-23).  They are like book-ends to all the other qualities. If we have love and self-control, we will likely be able to experience the other attributes as well.  

When we experience love, we instinctively want to express ourselves. We feel free to be who we are and step out into life in security and trust.  But when we do, we are met with all kinds of external reactions and obstacles, which bring up in us various emotions.  At this time, emotional intelligence becomes very important as does self-control.  If we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, respect those feelings and not run from them, we can then learn from them and understand ourselves and others better.  Love and respect for ourselves and others often takes a back seat when negative emotions take hold.  Cutting words and poor coping behavior keep us from accessing the information we can obtain from the feelings that are aroused.  When we are able to use self-control over impulsive desires activated by an emotion, we can then pay attention to what is going on and the thoughts that are intertwined in the emotion.  

The best way I have found to increase self-control, as well as understand the thoughts that may be coming up to either correct or reflect on, is to spend time with God in prayer, contemplation and His Word. The more we believe the love He has for us and the truth revealed to us, the freer we become and the more able we are to respond to life with emotional intelligence. With the Holy Spirit leading and guiding us, we are able to use that freedom for good, to love and to serve, controlling our instincts and impulses, so that we cause no harm to ourselves or others. As emotions come up, we are able to make mature decisions because we value ourselves and others and know that these emotions are God-given to inform us that something in us needs attention.  Next time we feel a strong emotion coming up, let’s stop and give ourselves the care we need to understand the feeling and use intelligence to respond lovingly to ourselves and others.

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC