Trust The Therapeutic Process

I get it. It’s difficult when you or someone you love has been in therapy a while and you don’t always see the progress. It’s difficult when someone you love is in therapy and you don’t know what’s happening in it. You don’t know if the person is being honest or telling everything that you think should be told. You don’t know much of anything that’s going on other than what the person is willing to tell you. I want to encourage you to trust the therapeutic process. There are things that we can be tempted to do that actually can get in the way of therapy working for ourselves and those we love. 

Keys to Trusting the Therapeutic Process

1. Let your defenses down. If you are the one in therapy, more will be accomplished if you can let your masks and walls down. If someone you love is in therapy, stop worrying about what they are saying about you and instead trust they are working things out. Also, make yourself open to hearing (if/when they are ready) what they want to tell you without getting defensive. 
2. Stop asking what they’re talking about in therapy. It creates pressure and could create guilt. It takes away from the safe place that therapy is supposed to be. They will tell you if/when they are ready and want to tell you and until then it is best that you honor that we each have the right to figure things out and share about that in our own time. If you are going to ask, just ask once and make it known that you just want them to know you’re available to talk if they want and they don’t have to share anything they’re not ready to or don’t want to. 
3. Along the same lines, stop asking their therapist what is talked about in session. If it’s something you need to know, the therapist will tell you (if the person is under twelve) or will get permission to tell you. Same reasons as in #2. Confidentiality is a positive factor in therapy. Don’t jeopardize that. 
4. Realize change takes time. It is frustrating when you are in therapy and those around you are always pointing out the things they see that they think haven’t changed (and it’s discouraging when we do it to ourselves). Instead make an effort to see the changes, even the smallest changes. Remember that change takes time, and even after change happens we still won’t do it perfectly all the time. 
5. Don’t try to do the therapist’s job. Whether you are trying to be a therapist to the person you love or you are trying to tell their therapist what to do in sessions with the person you love, stop it. You are not the therapist. It not only can get in the way of the therapeutic process, but is also harmful for your relationship. Your relationship with the person is supposed to be based on mutuality. Acting like the therapist or trying to control what happens in their therapy feels to the other person like you are putting yourself above them. Instead come alongside them, share your perspective with the therapist when it is appropriate to do so (when either the person invites you to share, gives permission for the therapist to ask your perspective, or when you are included as part of the session). 

There is an element of mystery to why therapy works. This is partly because each person is a unique individual. Part of it is each person needs to come to their own “aha moment”. Part of it is the amount of work each person is willing to put into healing, growth and change. However, there are several things that research has shown are factors that make therapy work. It provides someone trained to help you tell your story in a way that integrates both the factual and emotional aspects. Another is if you and your therapist are able to form a trusting, safe connection – we call this the therapeutic relationship. Having a safe place where you can let your masks come off and your walls come down is beneficial. Having someone who can help you gain insight by helping you identify positive and negative thought patterns, core beliefs, healthy and unhealthy coping skills, unresolved wounds and unmet needs – and then helps you solidify the positive/healthy and learn new patterns, beliefs and coping skills in place of unhealthy ones and heal unresolved wounds. So, let’s do our part and trust the therapeutic process for the rest whether that’s for ourselves or for those we love.  

By Adrienne Kather, LPC