Have you ever experienced disappointment, discouragement or anger over a situation that just didn’t go the way you expected? Maybe you are going through that right now. The truth is that everyone goes through these kinds of situations; the problem is that we often don’t realize others are also having difficulties in their lives. What this often produces is what I call “terminal uniqueness.” It is the thought process of “I’m the only one, this only happens to me,” or “why me, why now?” Maybe you have been praying or have asked for prayer but still things don’t go the way you wanted and you’ve asked why?
Sometimes it appears that only good things happen to other people, not you, “terminal uniqueness.” Good things happen and bad things happen to everyone. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. What can make it seem like only good things happen to other people is that most people don’t talk about their failures or disappointments. It certainly doesn’t make for feel good reading on Facebook, does it? I mean if you read through many peoples Facebook pages you might start to envy other people’s lives. You may start to think they are the luckiest person. You may begin to buy into the myth that you are the only unlucky one and everyone else lives a great life and even wonder why others prayers are answered and not yours. It’s not just through social media; it’s how people can portray their lives to others in any situation, social media or in person.
It’s important to know that you are not alone. I am going to say it again, “You are not alone!” Our petitions are sometimes not answered in the way we want them to be answered. People have failed attempts in life circumstances. If this is not enough when you are going through a trial, good things happen to others, while our prayers seem to be unanswered.
Think about this, if everyone else was getting what they wanted and was successful and happy with their lives there would be no need for counseling. People would not need help or assistance in working through life’s issues, if everyone else’s life but yours were good. Doctors, Lawyers, Pastors and Therapists offices are filled with people who at times, need help, who need assistance or guidance, people whose lives are not necessarily what they wanted them to be or planned.
One of the keys to overcoming terminal uniqueness is hope and changing our negative thinking and distortions about life. Hope alone can carry you far. Hope in God can carry you farther. Hope brings us peace. Hope says you can do this. Hope says you are not alone. Hope says despite my circumstances there is something good. Hope encourages us to examine our unanswered prayer.
That’s why support groups can be good for some people. They allow a person access to many people at once sharing their stories. They can enable a person to not feel so alone. Support groups can be inspiring, resourceful and bring hope back into our lives.
So what do you do with unanswered prayer? What is the cure for terminal uniqueness?
- Begin to talk about your situation
I don’t mean you should start to tell anyone who will listen what’s going on. I mean a trusted friend, pastor or see a therapist or counselor.
- Begin to recognize your emotions
This doesn’t mean you are now going to be a sad mess. It just means you are willing to recognize what is going on inside. Are you really angry or perhaps instead disappointed? Maybe you’ve never given feelings or emotions much thought and so this is an opportunity to figure what the truth of the matter is.
- Allow yourself to feel them
This can be harder than figuring out what it is you’re feeling. Have you ever allowed yourself to really feel your emotions? We tend to be a pretty controlled group of people, dismissing our feelings, and often feelings or emotions are considered acting out or weak. Feelings are just feelings. In fact feeling feelings does not require acting on our emotions.
After talking to someone, joining a small group and/or getting a better handle on what you are feeling comes acceptance and trust. Accepting our situations, some of which we can’t change. Some we may need to change but either way it requires acceptance, and then trust.
In most of the situations I’ve experienced acceptance and trust have become invaluable. When I say trust I mean trust in God. When I’ve experience unacceptable situations or unanswered prayers, the result may be tears, sadness or anger. But ultimately I decide to trust God. I stop asking why and accept whatever the outcome or situation. I can then begin to sort through the situation and move forward in my life. When I look back after many years, the pain, the anger or disappointment is usually gone and has been replaced with peace regarding the outcome. This doesn’t mean that given the right situation in the future feelings still might come up, sadness or longing, but I also have peace.
I still don’t have answer to the why? “Why me and why not others.” But I do know that I am not alone. I am far from unique. What I do know is that I trust God, and as cliché and it can sound, I sincerely trust His plan for me. My plans got me into some pretty ugly situations. My experience with what I believe to be His plans have given me dreams and hopes I never had. My life is full of plans I never dreamed about, good and not so good and yet in the end it is always well, when I trust God. I am not alone in this life, I have God by my side and if there is a name for it someone else has experienced it.
By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW
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