Embracing “the Talk” | Talking to Children about Sex

Raise your hand if you feel 100% comfortable with the task of talking to your child about sex. Any takers? No one? Why am I not surprised?

Sex is a taboo topic in a lot of circles, and when it comes time to have “the talk” with children, most parents feel uncomfortable with the thought and task at hand. They would much rather leave the things up to the school or the youth group leader, keeping themselves free from those uncomfortable feelings. Movies have long portrayed comical situations of dads or moms trying to blubber their way through some type of description of the body and sex. A scene from the movie Sydney White comes to mind where the dad tries to talk with his daughter about becoming a woman. He tries to explain that her body would release an egg (like a chicken) each month while using a contraption built out of plumbing materials.  His lack of comfort with the subject is clear and the look of bewilderment on his daughter’s face is evident. The scene is comical but not that far off base. 

When it comes to Christian circles, this topic feels even more taboo. Sex feels like a “worldly” topic, and I find that many Christian parents are concerned with one thing: how to keep their child away from sex (thinking about it, knowing about it, and most importantly engaging in it). They are uncomfortable with the topic and would much rather have someone else teach their children the basics of the birds and bees. The problem with this mindset is that this comes at a cost to the child. The best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home from the people they trust most, yet they are forced to look outside of the home for answers because of the parent’s response to the topic and their portrayal of feeling uncomfortable. I am not negating the fact that this is a difficult, uncomfortable talk to have, but I do want to encourage parents, especially Christian parents, to step up to the plate and embrace the talk. Sexuality is a part of human nature, and child development includes sexual development. Failure to engage in the conversation with children robs them of the ability to understand their own sexual development from those with whom they share the closest bond and most importantly takes away the opportunity for shepherding and guiding a child’s heart to better understand God’s creation of the world and relationships. 

Unfortunately, in today’s world, most kids are learning about sex outside of the home. Our highly sexualized media culture and access to technology have basically stripped parents of the ability to truly shelter their child from the sexualized world. Children are being exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Fifteen years ago, “the talk” could have probably waited until the child was twelve. In today’s world, twelve is probably too late. This does not mean that younger children have to know every nitty-gritty detail about sex. I’m simply trying to convey the importance of beginning to open the doors to a realistic and honest conversation about the human body and the way that God created it to be. This is a call for intentional parenting. 

Left up to the schools or churches alone, a child’s understanding of sexuality is going to be limited and one-sided.  Schools can easily teach about reproduction in a short series during health class, and youth groups can cover the topic of purity during one of the weekly meetings. While these are valuable discussions to have, these are typically lectures rather than a dialogue. A short conversation or lecture about sex is not what is required here. The process of helping a child to understand sexuality happens over a period of time with intentional conversations (back and forth discussions) not during a one or two hour lecture. This is a process of helping children to understand both facts and principles. Facts are the actual details of the body’s changes and reproduction, and principles extend beyond the facts to help a child understand the design and God-given intent of sex between a husband and a wife. The principles regarding sex in today’s culture are highly skewed, so if parents do not step up to guide their child and instill godly principles, children end up learning the wrong things about sex. The process of teaching a child about sex should happen over the course of years, not over the course of hours because principles are not instilled quickly. 

So how can parents go about embracing the talk? First, take some time to think about your view of sex and how you feel about talking with your child. If you feel uncomfortable, what causes that feeling? Spend time considering the impact that your own past has had upon your understanding. What did your parents teach you about sex? What are your core values when it comes to sexuality? Jot down what values you hope to convey to your child. Parenting out of fear is not the goal here, so if the topic of sex causes fear or worry, address those issues before talking to your child. 

Second, spend some time defining what you consider to be your definition of healthy sexuality. Sexual development is a normal part of child development and cannot be avoided whether the topic is addressed or not. Christian parents ought to consider their theology of biblical sexuality. Children in today’s world will hear plenty about the cultural view of sex, so an understanding of the biblical view of sex and God’s intent for it is key. Help your child understand the biblical context of sex and its meaning. After all, sex between a husband and a wife is a representation of the union between Christ and the Church, and this should not be taken lightly. Help your child understand the healthy boundaries of sex. God clearly created sex to be between a husband and wife and placed boundaries in place from the beginning of time. These boundaries are for our good, but children need to know why these boundaries are good. 

Third, work to set your child up for sexual success. Teach your child peer refusal skills. Children need to know how to get themselves out of a sticky situation before they are ever in the position to be in that situation. Help them understand the value of their own body and how to respect others. Talk about the importance of purity and give your child skills to stand up for what they believe in even when the world tells them something different. Teach them about the importance of privacy and the importance of having other people respect their privacy. Help your child understand how to deal with interest in the opposite sex. Teach children about the changes that will be happening to their body. 

Fourth, work to open the doors of communication with your child. If parents treat the sex talk as a one-time event, children will not learn to come to parents with further questions. The more open parents are, the more likely children will learn to feel comfortable addressing concerns in the safety of their own home rather than seeking answers online or from peers. 

Are you ready to embrace the talk? I sure hope so. Your child’s development depends upon your willingness to step up to the plate and embrace the awkward. Parenting is a tough job and requires intentionality. Use this as an opportunity to be an intentional parent and instill important, life-long principles in your child. The benefits far outweigh the costs when it comes to teaching your child about sex. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC