Letting Go of People Pleasing

The phrase "people pleasing" has been around for a while now. No one likes being called a people pleaser and yet most people like to be thought of as a genuinely good person. It is desirous to be kind, loving, considerate, and thoughtful but if we do these things for the purpose of getting approval, attention or self worth, then we are falling into the people pleaser trap. When we spend our energy worrying about what other people think, seeking to make others happy at the expense of our own health or wellbeing, and focusing more on what other people are doing than on our own responsibilities, we are living a lifestyle of people pleasing. The Bible talks a lot about serving others, loving our enemies, going the extra mile and giving to those in need. These actions are commendable. The problem comes in when one's sense of security and self-worth comes from the approval that is received by doing them. It can cause a person to ignore their own needs and values in order to feel accepted and loved even if temporary and conditional. 
When a child is born into a healthy family, he or she is loved just for being. The parents love the child simply because he/she exists and belongs to them. If this is experienced at an early age, the child grows up with an internalized sense of security, self-acceptance and self-worth. In a healthy environment, the child is taught to share, to work and to be of service. But the love for that child is independent of his or her contribution. When that kind of love is not present to provide a solid secure base of self-worth, then the child will look outside of him or herself to find it. And so begins the making of a people pleaser. This can also happen outside the home when a child receives too much performance based acceptance. 

In the same way that parents love their newborn child simply for being born and because that child is theirs, our Heavenly Father loves us. He made us in His image and brought us into existence. For that reason alone He loves us. And because we make mistakes and often go the wrong way, He provided a payment for us, Jesus Christ, so that we can live lives free of fear and punishment. As we become confident in God's unconditional love for us, we naturally will want to please Him and show love to others, not to win their approval but rather to share what we have from the love we have received. In this way, our actions do not come from a place of neediness but from a place of fullness. We are not motivated by someone's acceptance or approval of us in order to feel secure in ourselves. We are motivated by God's love within us and a desire to express that love to others. And if we need to make a decision that someone else does not agree with, we are able too. A person who feels secure will make decisions based on their values rather than the pressure or emotions of others.

The Bible talks often about pleasing God rather than man. When we understand how much God loves us and how much He has done for us by giving us complete forgiveness through Jesus Christ, we will want to please Him above all else. Below are a few verses that reflect that awareness.

Galatians 1:10 - Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men....

1 Corinthians 10:31 - So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC