As I wrote in part one of this blog art, emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us. In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of. We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings. After you finish part two, go back and read part one of this article to help you with a strategy to cope with these difficult emotions.
Most people know that anxiety causes this fight or flight reaction in the anxiety producing moment. This can be very helpful when there is a real threat. If you are confronted with a robber in a dark ally and you have opportunity to run, it is probably a good idea if you can get some place safe (and fast). However after you get to a safe place, the next good idea is to call the police so they can catch the robber so you can feel safe when you go back (though maybe don’t go to the dark ally again by yourself is also a good idea). When people run from difficult feelings, they often do so without catching the robber so to speak. As a result, they continue to get robbed or should I say put themselves back in dark places (the difficult feelings like anger, fear and sadness) they have to run from. Questions to ask yourself: Do I know when I am running from my feelings? What are my exit strategies away from my difficult feelings?
Here are some ways I have seen people run from their feelings:
Shopping (or eating or drinking). Shopping is an incredible distraction followed by the joy of ownership (then comes shame because you did it again). Years ago in my condominium building I noticed a new package from Amazon or Ebay waiting on the counter by the main entry almost everyday. I really was trying not to be a nosey neighbor but this was every day. A year later, they were foreclosed on and lost their home. I thought to myself, why all the shopping? I now know why. Shopping provided the distraction from feelings of fear due to pending financial crisis or whatever was going on. Problem is my poor neighbor really needed the indicating nature of whatever difficult feelings he or she was having. Perhaps those dark, heavy feelings could have served them better before foreclosure happened. What’s your compulsive shopping distracting you from? Shame from past abuse? Anxiety that you can’t figure out? Sadness from painful losses? A poor, hurting self-worth?
Rage or a hyper critical nature. Destructive anger comes in the form of rage or excessive criticism (as well as many other forms). This kind of anger is a powerful way to be in control when you feel out of control except that the sense of being in control doesn’t actually indicate that you are in control…because you are so out of control. Get it? So while you invest in your angry reactions you are missing what is really eating you. You might be afraid of something. Parents who rage at their kids are afraid of their non-compliance or safety or that they might mess up their lives but are missing the fact that the destructive anger is what is really messing up their kids lives. Kids can recover from bad grades the day after they graduate from high school but it will take years or even a lifetime to recover from their parents’ angry forces. What’s your out of control anger attempting to protect you from? Something you are afraid of? An unidentified threat? Is the threat inside or outside?
Fantasy. Fantasy gives us a wonderful, magical world where people love us or respect us or admire us and we are fully secure because we are powerful or magical solutions happen for us. It’s a place where we own and control everything we need to own and control. We have more money, more sex, more power, more significance. Leaving the outside world for this fantasy world begins in a childhood bereft of security. Children who were left alone or abused or whose families experienced unfortunate crisis learn the value of a well developed fantasy life. While this might help a child cope with difficult and unintelligible events, it doesn’t help an adult hiding away in his or her fantasies of sweet love and high-esteem connect in important relationships or solve real world problems. The longer one resides in the fantasy worlds (unless you are a fiction writer) the more the real world remains run-down and corrupting. What’s your fantasizing keeping you from? Your confrontational or unhappy spouse? Your checkbook that is sinking into a deeper red? What feelings are you running from here? Shame, fear, being out of control? Find someone to confront these feelings with; someone who will graciously stay with you and keep you from running to a mythical reality devoid of recovery.
Intellectualizing. Really? Being intellectual is running from my feelings? Yes! Let me ask you a question—how do you feel? Did you answer with an emotion OR with your intellectual assessment of your life or the circumstances in your life? If it was the latter, you just intellectualized. I see this in relationships often. One spouse or friend expresses their smarts in order to avoid sharing their heart or their fear or their anger or their hurt. Perhaps you are short on a good emotional vocabulary to express your emotions or even to identify your emotions. There are plenty of good books or websites that can provide a starting place in developing emotional language. Excessive reasoning stunts your emotional coping skills and your relationships health. I am not saying don’t be reasonable. Be reasonable within reason so you can maintain an awareness of what you feel. Then work to understand what your feelings indicate.
Feelings don’t kill even when they feel like it. Stay with them until they are less intense and you feel more in control—self-control. Stay with them until you understand what they mean for real. In order to accomplish this, it is really helpful to become more aware of what you are feeling and when. The best way to do this is a simple log or journal that lists what triggered your feelings, what were your more automatic thoughts and reactions and then wait for a bit. Remind yourself of the need to be calm no matter what you are thinking or feeling AND a better solution comes after you are more calm. Sometimes slow, steady breathing helps.
Finally, do not give up on this process. The more you expose yourself to your own feelings without reacting to them, the stronger you become and the less power they will have over you. If you find it is getting worse, maybe consider an excellent Christian counselor to coach you through this process.
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