Perfectionism

Have you ever struggled or do you struggle with perfectionism?   I know I’ve struggled with this in one form or another.  Although I feel I’ve grown tremendously in this area, perfectionism can still creep up on me from time to time.  It’s funny because if you really think about it, logically we can’t be perfect, by definition: to have NO mistakes or flaws, COMPLETELY accurate.  It’s like setting ourselves up for failure over and over if our only goal is perfection or to be perfect.  

• Have you ever meant to say one thing but the wrong word came out instead, you might not even know you’ve done it, unless someone had it on tape, you wouldn’t believe them.   
• What about a banking error? 
• Have you ever told someone that you were absolutely sure about something only to find out you were completely wrong?
• What about being late for an appointment?
• Gone over the speed limit?
• Forgot to be somewhere?

I think you get what I mean.  These are the small areas where we are not perfect but sometimes these are the areas that are over looked when you think you are perfect or strive to be perfect.  At some time or another you will make a mistake or be incorrect about something.  You will not be perfect…it’s impossible!

So why do you strive for this impossible task?  I think it’s because to some degree you think you will be different or you only strive for it certain areas and try and forget about the others area’s where you fail to make the grade.  

So what is it that makes you feel the need to be perfect?  If you’re not you may feel you will be found out by others, meaning, others will know your secret… you made a mistake, or failed at one time or another or maybe it’s something physical that isn’t quite perfect.  The ability to do things well, to be recognized or noticed can be an ego feeding habit.  “Pride goeth before the fall.”

If others find out, they may judge you or not like you, they may treat you different.  Sometimes you’re just in competition with yourselve.  If you’re not perfect, you judge yourself, you may not like you, and you feel unacceptable, sound familiar?

If you are striving for perfection where in the world did you learn this?  For some of you, you were actually told these things, maybe you are still being told these things.  

You have (or had) to:

• Look perfect
• Get straight “A’s”
• Have a perfect home
• Have the perfect kids
• Always know what to say
• Be at the top of your game (whatever that is)
• Have the perfect marriage
• Be successful at your job or career; meaning promotions and/or money
• Etc.

Basically NEVER fail, never make a mistake, and NEVER be imperfect.

So here’s a well kept secret…no matter who you are or what you do, you will fail or make a mistake, or something may not be “just” right, at some point in time, everyone has these issues, although you will not be perfect, failure, mistakes and imperfection do not mean you are a failure or you are weak.  It means you are human, normal, and have an opportunity to learn and/or grow.  

The bible is clear, we all miss the mark…” for ^fall have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”—Romans 3:23.

We all fall short there is the truth.

When we fall short, we can often feel like we are not loved, or unlovable, some of you may have actually experienced this with people, you fell short somehow and they left and so it has been confirmed.  God is different here.  Despite our shortcomings, imperfections, and failures He doesn’t leave, He doesn’t judge or condemn.  Instead He does something very different from humans…he offers us grace.  

It’s like He says I know you are not perfect…that’s why I sent my Son.  In fact He’s not demanding we be perfect, He’s asking that we love, honor and choose to be in relationship with Him.  He knows we will fail, we cannot be perfect.

Now let me say that does not mean that you should never strive for excellence in what you do, to be the best you can or give your all.  God does want us to step up, use our gifts and talents, and be productive.  Sometimes you will succeed and things will go the way you like or planned and that’s always a nice feeling.  Sometimes they won’t and it’s these moments that can define our future, how do you view imperfection…is it unacceptable or permissible?  Only you can decide for you.

Are you going to let the world define you or believe what God sees in you?

Here are some of the things you can learn from imperfection:

1. Humility.  You are not perfect and that’s ok.  Your grades, your promotion, how much money you make or don’t make does not define you.  These things don’t make you better then anyone. 
2. Less stressful.  Learn to lighten up.  When less energy is going into being perfect it can be channeled elsewhere.  Life can be enjoyed in a new and different way.

I’ve learned to be happy and content with being perfectly imperfect.  If I make a mistake I try an own it.  If I fail at something I try and learn. If I’m discouraged about physical imperfections I try and accept.  And lastly, pride it at the top of the heap when it comes to striving to be perfect and accepting nothing less.  Imperfection teaches humility.

God gives us all an opportunity to learn to be comfortable with who He made us to be, imperfections and all.  To know that we can be loved in spite of our imperfections, and that when we humble ourselves to the glory of God, we become perfect in God’s eyes through His son Jesus Christ. 

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW