Acceptance

The word accept is an interesting one. There is a lot of emotions that can be packed inside the meaning of that word. In fact, the word acceptance can be used to describe a particular emotional state. It's not a word found in the context of simple or easy tasks either. Being accepted into college is a time of joy and excitement but it was preceded by working hard in high school. Furthermore, accepting the facts of a difficult reality that we might find ourselves facing, is not an easy task. The loss of a loved one, experiencing a trauma, losing a job, going through a divorce, or realizing that your life is not going in the trajectory in which you hoped all require a high dose of acceptance. It rarely comes easily and for some, it doesn't ever come. 

For some, when faced with difficulty, they react in ways that hinder progress. For the purpose of this article I want to focus on one of the ways we hinder our own progress, and it starts long before we ever face difficulty of any kind. We don't build into our life, the idea of having to deal with something hard. We imagine, we get a job, a spouse, a child etc. but we don't ever think about the possibility that maybe life won't go that way. The image of having these things (certain job, certain salary, a spouse, etc.) becomes a certainty. But we need to learn to factor in other certainties. Such as, difficulty. Life will certainly be difficult at times. One great way to overcome difficulty and loss in the future is to realize now, that you will in the future. You can make room for these challenges and also create an image in your mind in which you will still be ok.

Accepting a difficulty begins long before difficulty strikes. Acknowledging that life is full of difficulty and having a plan to work through it gives us the opportunity to deal with it more effectively when it does strike. Experiencing difficulty doesn't mean that our life is bad or terrible unless you assign it that meaning. To explore the meaning a difficulty has in your life, try turning phrasing it in the form of an "I statement." For instance you might do something like this, "Because of this difficulty I am experiencing, I am ____________." Whatever word you put in the blank, study it. Test it to see if it is true. Ask your family and friend if that word you put in there is accurate.

Acceptance is hard. I don't want to give the impression that this article is the one way to work through a difficult time. In fact, there are many components to acceptance but I find this to be a helpful one.  

By: Nicholas Smith, LCPC

Why do we always chase our losses?

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

When I was eight or nine, at Christmas time, I received that greatest of all Christmas gifts. One that instantly gave me gravitas with the neighborhood boys. It was like Ralphie in the movie 'A Christmas Story' getting his Red Rider BB gun.  I received a pellet gun--a beautiful rifle that my friend Freddie and I had a great time hunting down old pop cans and trying (but missing) some of the neighborhood bats as they flew around the lake at night.  I had not had my pellet gun three months when one of those older boys decided to inspect my prized possession. He raved about it and I was feeling like I was coming up in the world with the big boys. He decided to try fitting a BB in my pellet gun and instantly ruined it.  All my street cred (don't think that was the word we used back in the 70's) receded into the lake.  Believe it or not, I still think about that gun.  Maybe someday I might find a version of it on Ebay and buy it just to have it again.  I promise I won't shoot any birds with it and I especially promise not to let older boys play with it.

It seems the things we lose never really get away from us. We can find ourselves reminiscing about the old days or feeling the pain of an injury or a terrific loss or even smelling the sulfur of what was burned to ashes many years ago.  I am not talking about the toy we received on Christmas as an 8 year old but rather the weightier losses--like loved ones or what we lost in a trauma or a moment of lost dignity. Someone once asked me why do we always chase our losses? A great question that I can only offer theories about. Perhaps when I am done with my theories, you could offer some of yours in the comments.

Acceptance

Accepting the difficult things that come our way are difficult.  Whether self inflicted or otherwise, we all have situations in life that come up and they are simply not fair.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this week's article.  She does a great job bringing some perspective to the concept of acceptance.  Here is what she has to say:

What do we do when things don’t go our way?  When life doesn’t turn out the way you planned or when your hopes fade away or are shattered?   I’m thinking that as you read further you are hoping to find a concise answer, one that will make sense.  The one that explains everything in a way that you walk away and go “Oh, that makes sense now.”  I have an answer, you may not like it initially but give it chance.  

 

Years ago I came across a few wise words of advice or wisdom whichever you prefer in either case I didn’t like them one bit.  The first was this:  Life is Not Fair and if that wasn’t bad enough the second was Acceptance is the Answer to Life.  

 

Somewhere along the line I had this concept that life was fair and I just was not the lucky recipient of fairness and so time and time again I felt beaten down, although I didn’t like the whole idea of life not being fair, as it kind of burst my bubble, it helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  We are not alone in this life.  You are not the only one going through whatever it is that you are going through…life is sometimes not fair and not just for you but for everyone.  They might not be talking about it or outright lying about their lives, but unfairness is an equal opportunist.

 

The second part was a much bigger piece to swallow.  Acceptance, I mean what the heck kind of answer is that, and then I read this:

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (p. 449 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

Over the years I have gone back to this reading again and again, usually when I am disturbed about some person, place, thing or situation in my life.  My stumbling block is acceptance.  Non-acceptance like unforgiveness can appear justifiable but in the end may only harm us.  So what do I mean by this.  Well maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

 

• Your child comes and tells you they are gay.

• Your spouse leaves

• You lose your job

• Someone you love dies

• Your child or yourself gets a below average grade or review

• Your neighbors are loud

• You don’t have the car you want due to finances

 

The list is endless, but I think you get the point.  So what’s on your list?  The list of unacceptable.  You may not even know you have one but we all do, at one time in our life or another, we all have a list.  You can continue to fight it and try and control it, try and change it but if you have chosen this path you know the usual outcome, it’s usually more frustration and needing to control a situation that you simply cannot change.  We think we can, but in reality, there are some situations that we cannot change.

 

So like forgiveness we make a choice to accept it.  Now having said this let’s make a distinction between acceptance and liking something.  When you chose to accept something it does not mean you like it, you don’t have to like it to accept it.  This may be a new concept to some but acceptance doesn’t initially involve liking the situation, just as choosing to forgive does not mean that the other person gets off the hook.

 

This may be a huge concept for some people because we tend to label some situations as unacceptable and to our human mind and experience they initially can be unacceptable.  Ten years ago I lost my infant son.  The whole situation seemed unacceptable but his death was what really got me steeped in unacceptance, everywhere my mind turned I was caught in this maze of dead ends always coming back to “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

Part of this was going through the grief and loss experience and normal, but I also knew that it would become more if I continued to live in this place, and so I did what I thought was unthinkable…I accepted his death…Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my son’s death, I could not move forward; unless I accepted life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy. I needed to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

Accepting did not mean I liked it, far from it, but what it did mean was that I stopped asking God “why?”  I began to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake including my son’s death.  Accepting did not give me all the answers I wanted or desired but it did give what I needed and still need ten years later…peace and the ability to move forward.  Life is not fair and acceptance is the answer.  

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW