Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 2 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

As I wrote in part one of this blog art, emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings. After you finish part two, go back and read part one of this article to help you with a strategy to cope with these difficult emotions.

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 1 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings.

Feelings are meant to be

Why do we always chase our losses?

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

When I was eight or nine, at Christmas time, I received that greatest of all Christmas gifts. One that instantly gave me gravitas with the neighborhood boys. It was like Ralphie in the movie 'A Christmas Story' getting his Red Rider BB gun.  I received a pellet gun--a beautiful rifle that my friend Freddie and I had a great time hunting down old pop cans and trying (but missing) some of the neighborhood bats as they flew around the lake at night.  I had not had my pellet gun three months when one of those older boys decided to inspect my prized possession. He raved about it and I was feeling like I was coming up in the world with the big boys. He decided to try fitting a BB in my pellet gun and instantly ruined it.  All my street cred (don't think that was the word we used back in the 70's) receded into the lake.  Believe it or not, I still think about that gun.  Maybe someday I might find a version of it on Ebay and buy it just to have it again.  I promise I won't shoot any birds with it and I especially promise not to let older boys play with it.

It seems the things we lose never really get away from us. We can find ourselves reminiscing about the old days or feeling the pain of an injury or a terrific loss or even smelling the sulfur of what was burned to ashes many years ago.  I am not talking about the toy we received on Christmas as an 8 year old but rather the weightier losses--like loved ones or what we lost in a trauma or a moment of lost dignity. Someone once asked me why do we always chase our losses? A great question that I can only offer theories about. Perhaps when I am done with my theories, you could offer some of yours in the comments.

The Value of a Period in Resolving Conflict

Welcome!  Today Scott Hendrickson brings to us a great article on conflict resolution.  Conflicts are part of life, they are inevitable.  Sometimes we mistake the goal in dealing with a conflict as being the avoidance of them.  The goal should not be to avoid conflicts, just to learn ways to more effectively cope with them.  Here is what Scott has to say:

We were all taught in elementary school at the end of every sentence we place a period. We were told to avoid run-on sentences. The period serves either as a pause to distinguish between the next sentence and thought as well as the end of the story. Now I am by no means a grammartician but I believe there is something really useful here to help you reduce the length and intensity of your conflicts. In our confrontations, sometimes what maintains the fight is the lack of a period. 

It makes sense that we repeat ourselves in escalating fashion as we fight. We are angry so we have lots of energy to deal with. Probably we don't feel listened to or hurt and need to talk it out. If someone doesn't understand or agree it is the natural thing to keep pounding away with what we believe the truth. When we don't know what else to do we do what we know and what comes instinctively. 

There are some problems with giving way to our old fighting habits however. For one, it doesn't seem to be effective. I don't remember too many people coming to see me who were satisfied with the outcome of these arguments. Here are a few points to consider to help bring your fights to a close. 

Bad habits that keep us from being heard...

• Lecturing (run-on sentences) keeps a person on the defensive therefore minimizing insight. The more you yell, lecture or repeat your unresolved complaint, the more your target audience (spouse, child, coworker, IT consultant, etc) tries to defend herself. When a person is defensive, it is almost impossible to see another perspective.
• Redundancy communicates your stupid or you are not listening and maintains defenses (see first bullet point). It also says I have little intention of hearing your side. If you are looking to simply blow off some angry steam this might work briefly but after your rant your listener might have his ears plugged with little motivation to hear or validate your complaint.
• Pounding away at your point over and over also says, "you are going to do it my way or see it my way or else!" Sorry but this is controlling. This is a hard point but if you don't allow for the other person's disagreement you will be hard pressed to actually achieve genuine agreement. From a negotiating stand point alone, if one of the parties has no intention of moving from his/her position he/she is not negotiating in good faith. Any healthy relationship has the built-in expectation of differences and accepts this.

Better habits...

• Use a simple 3 part "I statement" with a period (don't forget the period). Part one: I feel... (insert an actual feeling word here: an emotion). Part two: when you... (insert the other persons behavior succinctly summarized). Part three:  because... (insert the consequences or ramifications of the other person's behavior). Again, don't forget the period or pause after your "I statement". Let the person respond. They might be defensive, clueless or turn it back on you or they might listen and attend to your feelings.
• If they become defensive or they discount your statement, follow up with "I hear what you are saying, nonetheless, that is how I feel". Avoid the urge to be defensive yourself. The point is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. Remember that repeating yourself doesn't increase the chances you will be understood or validated BUT does reduce the chances of effective conflict resolution
• The reason for the "I statement" is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. By not belaboring your point or complaint you give this person more freedom to listen and understand you. Yes, he or she can reject you as well but long-term by giving him freedom to choose without the need to be defensive she will be more and more open to your point of view.

A period raises the possibility for introspection therefore learning. A period says I respect your feelings which is what I want in return. A period gives you an exit out of your anger and conflict to understanding and deeper intimacy. 

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

What To Do When She Says No All The Time

Hello Everyone, I hope this article finds you well.  This week we have a great article by Scott Hendrickson.  He writes this article specifically for men, on how to handle the common and frustrating situation when your wife says, "not tonight."  Scott helps address the emotional side of the situation and gives some insight on what is going on in her mind as well.  Here is what Scott has to say:

For men only...all ladies please leave the room (or this blog article). Alright guys, how many of you have initiated sex with your wife and been thwarted by her "not tonight honey" repeatedly? Sometimes it appears to be an unmerciful, rejecting "no!" Other times it seems to be a repeating headache that only happens (or so it seems) when you are in the mood. Nonetheless, the message of "no" seems way too common with your sexual advances. It looks like the majority of you have your hands raised...I'm sorry ladies, you have to leave please.

Now that you see so many hands up guys you can at least know you are not alone--not that it helps much. It is not uncommon for marriages to have periods (long periods) where one spouse, usually the wife, is not interested in sex. I have some thoughts for you on how to deal with this.

Understand Your Anger

Anger is a natural product of rejection, disappointment or entitlement. I'm saying it is normal to be angry but what you do in your anger will be either destructive to your marriage or helpful. 

Look at rejection for a moment. There are sometimes when you are absolutely being rejected but there are other times when she says "no" that it really isn't about you. She has little to no desire for a number of reasons. Here are a few:

She's stressed out

When your wife is overworked, over busy or over obligated in some other way, sex becomes just another demand; another task she is obligated to do. Stress absolutely will shut her down and it is not because she is rejecting you. Try to lower your expectations for now and assist in any way you can and as competently as you can.

Be careful of your motives here. If it is because you just want more sex, you will set yourself up to be rejected because she will likely feel discounted (with her anger).  Help her because you love her. This can lead to an improved relationship because her trust of you will grow.

She doesn't feel attractive let alone sexy.

It is important to most women to feel good about themselves. Perhaps she's heavier than she wants to be or basically doesn't accept herself. If this is the case, your wife will not want you to see her naked or be too close to her physically.

Find ways to communicate to your wife your appreciation for her beauty--inside and out. Of course tell her she looks beautiful today but also comment on her beautiful values and brains and creativity and work ethic and loyalty and...whatever else is uniquely attractive about your wife. If most of your comments are about breast size, legs and other typically sexually attracting body parts, you will once again find yourself in a position of rejection. She won't feel beautiful but rather checked out. Balance is a key here.

She's worried

If your wife is worried about money, one of the kids, a parent, or someone else of significance, the car, safety, a job interview or something else, she is likely not going to be open to your advances.

The best thing here is twofold: empathize with her so she knows you are partnered with her and understand her fears AND encourage her in her faith by being willing to pray together and gently reassure her of God's faithfulness and character. You yourself can simply commit to growing in your faith and that adds to her sense of security. You might even look for a Godly spiritual mentor to instruct you.

She isn't healthy.

All you can do here is gently encourage a doctor’s visit and commit to being healthy with her.

Another aspect of your anger is entitlement. When you are entitled, every "no" leads to more frustration and more anger. You will read 'news stories' that say you should be having sex 3-4 times a week and think your marriage is broken because sex is so rare for you these days. You might quote 1Corinthians 7 "do not deprive each other..." and believe you should have access to her body anytime you desire.

It is important to bring yourself back to reality--your reality. It doesn't really matter what you read or hear if currently your wife's libido isn't too active right now. If she has sex with you because you guilted her or shamed her or just plain pestered her until she gave in, she will begin to resent you and her resentment will be connected with sex...with you. Rejection will be more of her routine with you. Entitlement will damage your sexual relationship.

Manage your beliefs

Our culture is playing Jedi mind tricks with men about sex these days. Having a pure mind and heart has never been more challenging. When I head to the office this morning, I will hear several commercials calling into question my sexuality at fifty plus years of age. My size, my stamina, my wife's desire...and these will be doctors promoting the need to go to their clinic.  I'm not listening to Howard Stern guys. It's just my local music station (hits from the 70's, 80's and 90's). I was watching the news and twice the cialis commercial aired. Virtually every show I watch with my wife has the Victoria's Secret commercials running.

Our society says sex is THE number one need for men and if we don't 'get some' often enough something is wrong. Do you see how that could lead to a belief there must be something wrong with you if you aren't active enough?  Beware of this world sex view. It will lead to more rejection and certainly trick you into a sense of entitlement.

Another belief I see frequently with husbands is the idea that if you eliminate all of your wife's objections and do everything the books say to do then she will be more interested in sex and most likely you will at least hit the global average number of times per week (insert tongue in cheek). I have had men admit to me how they became the ultimate appeasers in order that their wife would just say yes to sex.  This kind of belief system will lead to resentment on your part if you believe your wife is not responding to you enough. You are far better off in developing a mutual relationship with your wife.  One where you both have the freedom to say yes and no to each other and respect each other's yes and no. 

I know I am not offering anything that will cure your lack of sex.  What I am offering is perspective and refining what you believe with regards to sex.  Yes, sex is important but if your relationship with your wife is more important, you will gain greater friendship with her, more freedom with her and better sex with her (notice I didn't say 'more' sex with her).  More importantly, you will be less angry and frustrated.

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Having Faith In Your Kids

Hello Everyone, Nick here, bringing you another video from our Just Tell Me What To Do To Make It Better Seminar.  This clip covers a really great point that Scott Hendrickson, LCPC, was making about helping your child grow by learning through their own mistakes.  Watch this clip, then let us know what you think by leaving a comment on our Facebook page!

What to do When You are Starting to Resent Your Child #ParentsNoise

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC 

Regular, developmentally predictable parenting has its usual challenges and by itself is stressful at times. There are some parents however who would be envious of these typical challenges. These parents deal with a child's mental illness, self-injury, extreme forms of manipulations, academic failure and defiance (to name only a few).
These are the kind of challenges that cause sleep deprivation, lots of family and marital conflict, anxiety, guilt and more. Furthermore a hard to parent child is expensive. There is more medical and psychological treatment costs, legal expenses, extra tutoring and many other unexpected financial obligations. If you are one of these parents you might be struggling with resentment of your beloved child.

First of all, to admit that your child has been and is hard to parent is not demeaning either to you or your child. Of course I don't recommend you tell this child he or she is hard to parent (that might be demeaning). If this is your reality there is little gained in trying to deny or sugarcoat it. To have supportive conversations with your spouse and a small, trusted and wise circle can and does lead to more effective parenting and coping strategies. If you are hiding your struggles you might be settling for more of the same misery and/or conflict with your child for a longer period of time.

Here are some suggestions to help you forge a path with your son or daughter and overcome the guilt, shame and resentment you might feel burdened with.

I Don’t Deserve Forgiveness & Very Expensive Astroturf!

Hello Everyone!  It's Wednesday and as you know, that means it is time for another article.  This week Scott Hendrickson brings to us a great post on forgiveness.  Forgiveness is one of those things that is easy to understand but often times very difficult to experience.  Scott uses some great examples, I think you will find this article very enlightening!  Here is what he has to say:

I often wonder what to say to the person who cannot be forgiven. That person (perhaps it is you) has been offered forgiveness through a sermon or by a Christ-follower or THE person offended or violated by you but feels strongly that no matter the redemption offered, it cannot be accepted due to the level of shame he or she carries. Evidently, it is believed, some of our past or simply who we are cannot be overcome with such a simplistic act of forgiveness. It could never be deserved--never! Forgiveness cannot be accepted, moreover should not be accepted.

While that might be true to an extent, I would suggest a few other points to consider before you stop reading.

Living with Depression and Getting Stuck in a Snow Bank

It’s Wednesday, and that means it time for another great article! This week on the Blog we have Scott Hendrickson, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the President of Heritage Counseling Center. Scott brings some great information for us on the topic of depression. How are we to start recovery? What is a Christian perspective on depression? Can it ever get better? These are some questions that Scott wrestles with in this article. Here is what he has to say:

The feeling of depression is a difficult thing to live with. Many people have sat with me and shared the pain of their depression. It is quite honestly difficult to describe what it is like. I will be the first to admit that I cannot fully comprehend the depth of darkness, tiredness, loneliness and shame that a depressed person often lives with. It is so difficult that it can lead many people to believe they are causing all of this to happen to themselves. You see, that is what depression does, it leads you to have a darker, more judgmental view of yourself and when you believe you are the cause, you just don't want to be seen and life becomes darker and lonelier still. I know it is deeply challenging to accept but there is hope for you. I have a few thoughts to encourage all of us and that might lead to some changes in the way we think.

My Wife Likes to Tell Me Where to Go and How To Get There!

Hello Everyone, glad you stopped in to check out this week's article, and I think after reading it, you'll be glad you took the time as well!  Anyone who is a relationship is going to be able to get something from this post.  In fact, Scott uses himself as an example.  Being a therapist doesn't make us immune from difficulty in life, but as you will see in Scott's situation, it did make him very aware of what is taking place under the surface.

This week's article was written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC.  Scott is a therapist at and the Founder of Heritage Counseling Center.  Here's what he has to say:

My wife likes to tell me where to go and how to get there.  In fact, like a good husband, I simply follow her instructions as we drive to our local shopping places. I used to be annoyed with this but have learned that it's probably okay. Confession: sometimes after I have simply, mindlessly followed her directions (Costco, Crate & Barrel Outlet, Nothing Bundt Cake), I forget where I am at. A few times she has chided me for my disorientation. Seriously...there have been times when I thought the way home was left when it was right.  Why? Am I starting to have early onset (I’m not that old) dementia?  (don’t answer that!)