Acceptance

Accepting the difficult things that come our way are difficult.  Whether self inflicted or otherwise, we all have situations in life that come up and they are simply not fair.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this week's article.  She does a great job bringing some perspective to the concept of acceptance.  Here is what she has to say:

What do we do when things don’t go our way?  When life doesn’t turn out the way you planned or when your hopes fade away or are shattered?   I’m thinking that as you read further you are hoping to find a concise answer, one that will make sense.  The one that explains everything in a way that you walk away and go “Oh, that makes sense now.”  I have an answer, you may not like it initially but give it chance.  

 

Years ago I came across a few wise words of advice or wisdom whichever you prefer in either case I didn’t like them one bit.  The first was this:  Life is Not Fair and if that wasn’t bad enough the second was Acceptance is the Answer to Life.  

 

Somewhere along the line I had this concept that life was fair and I just was not the lucky recipient of fairness and so time and time again I felt beaten down, although I didn’t like the whole idea of life not being fair, as it kind of burst my bubble, it helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  We are not alone in this life.  You are not the only one going through whatever it is that you are going through…life is sometimes not fair and not just for you but for everyone.  They might not be talking about it or outright lying about their lives, but unfairness is an equal opportunist.

 

The second part was a much bigger piece to swallow.  Acceptance, I mean what the heck kind of answer is that, and then I read this:

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (p. 449 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

Over the years I have gone back to this reading again and again, usually when I am disturbed about some person, place, thing or situation in my life.  My stumbling block is acceptance.  Non-acceptance like unforgiveness can appear justifiable but in the end may only harm us.  So what do I mean by this.  Well maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

 

• Your child comes and tells you they are gay.

• Your spouse leaves

• You lose your job

• Someone you love dies

• Your child or yourself gets a below average grade or review

• Your neighbors are loud

• You don’t have the car you want due to finances

 

The list is endless, but I think you get the point.  So what’s on your list?  The list of unacceptable.  You may not even know you have one but we all do, at one time in our life or another, we all have a list.  You can continue to fight it and try and control it, try and change it but if you have chosen this path you know the usual outcome, it’s usually more frustration and needing to control a situation that you simply cannot change.  We think we can, but in reality, there are some situations that we cannot change.

 

So like forgiveness we make a choice to accept it.  Now having said this let’s make a distinction between acceptance and liking something.  When you chose to accept something it does not mean you like it, you don’t have to like it to accept it.  This may be a new concept to some but acceptance doesn’t initially involve liking the situation, just as choosing to forgive does not mean that the other person gets off the hook.

 

This may be a huge concept for some people because we tend to label some situations as unacceptable and to our human mind and experience they initially can be unacceptable.  Ten years ago I lost my infant son.  The whole situation seemed unacceptable but his death was what really got me steeped in unacceptance, everywhere my mind turned I was caught in this maze of dead ends always coming back to “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

Part of this was going through the grief and loss experience and normal, but I also knew that it would become more if I continued to live in this place, and so I did what I thought was unthinkable…I accepted his death…Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my son’s death, I could not move forward; unless I accepted life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy. I needed to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

Accepting did not mean I liked it, far from it, but what it did mean was that I stopped asking God “why?”  I began to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake including my son’s death.  Accepting did not give me all the answers I wanted or desired but it did give what I needed and still need ten years later…peace and the ability to move forward.  Life is not fair and acceptance is the answer.  

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Loneliness

Hello Everyone!  This week we have another great article for you, this one is on the topic of loneliness.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this particular article.  She does a great job explaining the problems that can arise if one were to stay lonely for a long period of time as well as how we are faced with loneliness today in a world of false connections.  Here is what Cindy has to say:

Researchers suggest that loneliness is becoming more common in the United States. In 1984, a poll showed that respondents most frequently reported having three close confidants, compared to the same poll taken in 2004, where the most common response was zero confidants. This appears to be an unfortunate trend.  Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but rather the quality, having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind.

“No man is an island.”  Sound familiar?  I was just watching a movie where the author of this was quoted as Jon Bon Jovi!  How funny is that?  The actual author is John Donne.  It is not just a quote, but also a poem.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine  own were; any man's death diminishes me,  because I am involved in mankind.  And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.  

In today’s world it sometimes feels like this statement has no place.  I mean we live in a world where we could hold up in our home by ourselves indefinitely.  Quite frankly we already may be living this way.

Independence is valued.  Strength in ourselves is rewarded.  We are taught these characteristics from a young age and it continues through our lifetime.  There is only one problem with this type of teaching.  We weren’t made to be completely independent, an island on our own.  We were meant to be in relationship with others and to be interdependent or as Dunne says, “a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

The result of being an island on your own can often result in loneliness and isolation.  We live hectic busy lifestyles that do not allow the needed time to devote to our personal relationships. Technology gives us the illusion, that we are “in” relationship with people, we text, tweet, instagram and Facebook, which in and of themselves can be means of communication but they can’t be our only means.  No one just drops by anymore, in fact that may be seem as rude or an intrusion.  

So what to you think?  Is no man an island to himself or is man an island to himself?  It is a real question to consider.  In the movie “About A Boy,” Hugh Grant portrays a character that believes he is an island to himself and in the beginning of the movie appears to be quite happy with this lifestyle.  He says, “All men are islands and this is the time to be one.  You used to have to depend on others but now you can make your own island paradise,” but upon meeting a young boy his life begins to change.  Slowly, Grant’s character, Will, begins to be pulled towards relationships, out of isolation and self-centeredness.  

Will didn’t see a need for others; in fact he believes them to be a liability.  If a man is an island then you can visit but certainly not move to his island.  He believes himself to be happy and content, but what about lonely?  I think that would have been a good question.  The movie doesn’t specifically address the term loneliness but at the end of the movie, clearly Will begins to see the need for others in his life.  He gives in to that natural homing device God has placed in all of us, that device that gets activated at one point or another, and once it gets turned on nothing appears the same.  We yearn and long for relationship, for community, to be part of something or someone.

At the end of the movie Will says, “Every man is an island, but clearly some men are part of island chains, below the surface of the ocean they are actually connected.”  It reminds me of Dunne’s poem, “Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  It also reminds me that in the beginning scripture tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”  God was not just specifically talking about Adam, but mankind as well, human beings are not meant to be alone, to be islands unto themselves, but as Will stated, and Dunn as well, “part of island chains, a piece of the continent.” 

If we are not “part of something” we run the risk of being lonely, and “part of something” is more then what technology offers us.  Part of something means part of someone else’s life.  People who know us and care.  People we hang out with beyond our smartphones.

Loneliness does not just affect our mental health. Chicago author and psychologist, John Cacioppo said that loneliness effects both our physical and mental health:

• Depression and suicide
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Increased stress levels
• Decreased memory and learning
• Antisocial behavior
• Poor decision-making
• Alcoholism and drug abuse
• The progression of Alzheimer's disease
• Altered brain function

If you find yourself feeling lonely, know that it is a red flag that says something may need to change or if you think you are an island unto yourself I encourage you to rethink that mind set.  Some changes that you can take are and question you might want to ask are:

1. Not replacing real face-to-face friends exclusively with technological friends, i.e.: Facebook, text, etc.
2. Make time to meet with people and call them to talk.
3. Begin to process what interdependent means for your life.  Do you even agree with interdependence versus independence?  What would it mean for you not to be totally independent?
4. Talk with someone you trust or consult a therapist regarding the changes you would like to see in your life.
5. Focus on developing quality relationships with like-minded people.
6. Lonely people often expect to be rejected.  Focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.  

Remember that change does not happen over night and everyone does feel lonely from time to time, even those who are not “island unto themselves.”  It is not about ridding loneliness completely from our lives, but rather making healthy changes and experiencing quality relationships in our lives.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Keeping the Sabbath in the 21st Century

Hello Everyone!  Today we have a great post by Cindy O'Donnell. I'll be honest, this post made me check myself, because rest is not something I do all that well.  Rest is often over looked.  What I love about this topic is that it not only affects our emotional state but it also will improve our spiritual and physical state.  Here is what Cindy has to say:

I woke up at 6:30am to get ready for work and get my daughter off to school, after dropping my daughter off at her school I ran to the first meeting of my day.  This particular meeting usually lasted several hours, which then gave me just enough time to run home grab something to eat (sometimes forgoing eating and squeezing in an appointment) and then going to my second job.  Round trip this brought me back home by 9:30pm.  I then would debate about whether or not to eat, talk to my family or go to bed.  Many nights would result in a crabby person walking in the door, resulting from hunger and tiredness.  The problem with this particular kind of a schedule is that is was a norm for me, not an exception.  Many of you may be able to relate to this and are thinking so what is the big deal?

STRESS…that is the big deal.  We are a society that suffers from hurriedness, stress and anxiety in proportional numbers.  Many refuse to see this epidemic until it is too late.  We reward the go, go, goers and anything else may be seen as lazy.  The word rest is not in many peoples vocabulary.  It is as if how to rest needs to be taught.  One of the many things that I do with my clients is teach people how to rest, not just sleep, but also rest our bodies, our minds and our souls.  

One of the mandatory laws of the Old Testament was keeping the Sabbath Holy or taking a day of rest.  This particular law if broken was punishable by death.  Interesting, huh?  Today that same punishment does not exist…or does it?  I mean when we fail to care for ourselves, give our bodies rest and rid ourselves of hurriedness, the result is a gradual death.  According to the American Sociological Association stress keeps more then 40% of Americans up at night.  That means almost half the population is walking around sleepless and tired during the waking hours of the day!  All stress is not bad in fact stress has a place in our life, it is the fight or flight reaction that says the house is on fire and I need to get out, but often we get stuck on “on” and normal stress becomes distress and this distress can lead to this gradual death.    Stress can lead people into addictive behaviors such as, overeating, drinking, over spending, gambling etc.  It can affect our physical health from tummy troubles, to cardiac issues and multiple mental health concerns.  Just to name a few.

So what do you do?  Quite your job and move to the country?  Well for some this is exactly what they have done.  People don’t have to always make such drastic changes.  They do need to learn how to slow down and REST.  How many of you can say that you are comfortable sitting down for 5 minutes and doing nothing?  If you are and you do this, great!  If not you should try it.  Go ahead, sit down, turn a timer on and rest.  How many of you made it for the full 5 minutes?  You don’t have to raise your hand but for many of you this was a challenge. This will be challenge in many areas of our lives.  Self care, including resting is usually seen as laziness, slacking off or not being a team player.  The one thing that can help aide in our physical, mental and spiritual health is looked down upon and discouraged.  So for those of you who believe in the need for rest have hope and be willing to step up and make time for rest, make it a priority.  Priorities often require change.

Let’s define what I mean by rest.  Rest is not taking a vacation to Disney Land.  It is not going to the gym, jogging or taking a class.  Those are great things and can be enjoyable but are not exclusively what I mean by resting.  Archibald Hart defines rest is this, “Rest is not the time to catch up on unfinished chores, run missing errands, go to the mall, or even take in a movie.  These are activities, and activities are not rest producing.  What characterizes rest is that it is not an activity.  It is pure, luxurious leisure, time to rediscover yourself, catch up on your feelings, determine new priorities, recreate a sense of balance, and, most importantly of all, restore your soul and reconnect with God.”  How many of you do this on a regular basis?

So where do I begin?  So glad you asked.  In his, book The Anxiety Cure; Hart outlines seven ways to maintain this idea of rest.

1. Pay careful attention to developing an awareness of you limits.  We all have limits.  Not one of us is superhuman.  God didn’t create us that way.  Like all creatures, we not only have our limits, but we have to learn to stay, work, and live within them.
2. Never work until you have reached your limits.  Many get into the habit of working until getting a signal to stop, such as exhaustion, fatigue, headache, or dizziness.  They just keep going until they are about to drop.  Once you start to experience a stress-like symptom, you have gone too far.  Learn to stop before you get to the edge of you limits.
3. The moment you realize that you are approaching your limit, stop.  I mean stop right there and then.  Do not wait until your eyestrain, pain, or headache kicks in.  Your goal should be to never create a stress symptom, but to stop well before the edge.
4. Maintain regular breaks during your workday.  You will find that if you stop periodically and relax so as to lower your adrenaline, you will in fact be able to keep going longer.  It’s like running a marathon race.  If you keep going full speed, you will drop before you get to the end of the race.  If you pace yourself, allowing times of less energy drain, your system has an opportunity to rejuvenate itself during the race.
5. If you exceed your limits and find yourself in stress of pain, back off and allow time for recovery.  Once you trigger a pain or other stress response, your body not only needs to rejuvenate itself from the adrenaline over draft you’ve created, but it also has to heal the damage you have done.
6. Take a good Sabbath rest at the end of every day.  The most
   
   important discovery I made regarding my own stress abuses is that I neglected to rest every day.  I thought I could just keep going and make up for my depletion every week, month, or even year.  Not a good idea.  In fact, it’s crazy.  We need daily renewal.  This means you must allow enough time for relaxing, and sleeping each day.
7. Take a good sabbath rest at weekends.  As discussed earlier, I am not advocating a literal Sabbath as per the Old Testament, though this may not be a bad idea.  The principle I support is “taking a break.”  Those of us in Christian work are perhaps the biggest culprits.  We are deluded into thinking that just because we are doing God’s work, we are excused from all the restrictions of being in human bodies.  We are not.  Rest is just as important in Christian work as it is in daily work.

These principles can be quite a lot to take in, but I encourage you to really think about them and the ways in which to incorporate them into your life.  They do require some change but in the end it will be well worth it.  Next time we will be talking about the difference between rest and relaxation, as both are necessary for our health.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Help I Have an Adult Child!

Welcome everyone! I hope this post finds you all well!  This week we are getting something special, two articles!  I’m posting today’s a little earlier than usual and then I will have the second article up on Friday. 

Cindy O’Donnell is the author of this week’s article and she really brings some light to a timely topic.  As of recent years this has become more of a phenomenon.  More than likely, you know of someone (or are this person yourself) who has a 20 something, still living at home.  Cindy does a great job of explaining how parents can best handle their situation while maintaining a healthy relationship with their child.  Here is what Cindy has to say:

Client:  My kid doesn’t do anything around the house.  They have no job, they are out all the time and I am left footing the bill for everything.  Why are they not more responsible and when will they start to chip in and help? 

Me:  How old is your child?

Client: 26

This may sound like a start to a good joke but the reality is that this is a question I get quite often.