Rookie Mistake

This year my daughter started her junior year in high school.  What a whirlwind this time of year can be for those with school age kids.  It reminds me of the first day of her freshman year.  We were both new to the whole high school thing, new routines, new rules, new everything.  I remember driving up to the school and taking one look at the line where everyone seemed to be dropping off their kids and thought, no way.  I figured there must be a better way then the enormous line before me and so, what I thought was a brilliant idea, I took different route, only to discover I couldn’t get in that way.  Not wanting to give up and being determined to find a better way I thought I would just drop her off in the parking lot adjacent to the entrance.  Maybe some of you can relate to this story literally, or maybe you can relate because you’ve been in a situation that you thought you could find a better way, a better option then what was being presented.

As I drove up and was thinking I had found an alternative; I had several people frantically waving at me.  I was completely confused and then worried, but did manage to drop her off.  As I drove off I realized that I had just driven into the drop off lot for busses ONLY.  I’m guessing this caused quite a commotion for the bus drivers, hence the waving and yelling at me.

I love finding new and resourceful avenues, a better way or alternative.  I dislike when I make a mistake in the process.  This was a big mistake.  Thanks goodness I was in a get away car and completely oblivious in the moment, but the feeling the mistake left on me lingered.  The reality is that we all make mistakes.  Some of our mistakes have bigger consequences then others, sometimes we are the only ones who know we’ve messed up, either way it’s usually not a feel good moment.

Sometimes we internalize our mistakes and make them a part of ourselves, this can have negative effects on who we think we are, a healthier mindset is being able to learn from our mistakes and make the learning a part of who we are becoming.  We are all always becoming.  Mistake and failures help us grow and learn.  They actually are needed in everyone’s life.  No one tells us this, we are told be successful and then you are a winner.  We hear mostly of people’s successes, leaving feelings of failure.   The key is to embrace your failures, embrace the mistakes in life, accept them as opportunities to grow, and know that everyone, even if they do not admit it, makes mistakes.  Mistakes are not who we are, mistakes are opportunities to become something bigger.

The second week of school I had to go into the office to drop something off and so I owned up my mistake to the ladies at the front desk.  They were so gracious and chalked it up to a rookie mistake that anyone could make.  So what did I learn?  I learned that rookies make mistakes.  I learned where the drop off is and that you have to wait in line, but it does go quick.  I learned sometime there are reasons for rules and there are no shortcuts.  I also learned to be tolerant of those who are making mistakes when dropping off their kids at school because maybe, just maybe they are the rookie that day.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

The Truth Hurts

The truth hurts but partial truths can sometimes hurt more in the long run.  The purpose of this article is to get you thinking about the way you have a conversation and/or argument with your spouse.  Does the way you word your feelings accurately reflect your true feelings on a situation?  Many times in marriages, for example, one spouse might decline to share their true feelings on a given subject because they are either afraid of hurting their spouse or are fearful that what they have to say might cause an argument.  The odd thing about not sharing our feelings in order to avoid hurt or arguments, is that the avoidance of such will 99 percent of the time lead to a bigger hurt or argument down the road.  Being honest in the moment will save time in the long run.

Accuracy is key though.  You can tell your husband that he's a dummy and though you might think that, it's not quite accurate to the feelings you are experiencing.  What does he do that makes you think he's a dummy?  How does what he do make you feel?  Name the emotion.  Google "list of emotions" to act as a guide for accuracy.  Instead of telling him that he's a dummy, share how what he did made you feel.  This allows us to avoid unnecessary arguments because instead of addressing what he did and how you feel, your argument will be about him being called a dummy.  You don't want to have that conversation, it's not going to get you where you want.  Address the emotions.  He will most likely be more responsive to you sharing that you felt alone or scared etc.  

The second thing that happens here is modeling.  You sharing your specific emotions and avoiding name calling, will model how a productive conversation can take place.  It will be an example of how to go about getting things off your chest in a healthy manner.  This will take time and I don't want to make it sound as simple as this is the one thing that will make everything better, but it can be added to your tool box as one of the many changes you are making. Keep checking out our blog for more great examples.  Seeking out a counselor can often times expedite the process.

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LCPC

When You Want to Fight, Go and Write!

Writing can be a great therapeutic tool, especially when things are confusing and/or overwhelming.  I have found that many different forms of writing can be helpful; journaling my thoughts and feelings, writing my prayers to God, writing a letter to a longtime friend, or writing a letter I’ll never send.  One other writing form that may be long forgotten from elementary school is poetry.  

Remember learning how to write a limerick or Haiku?  Maybe yes, maybe no, but putting words to rhyme and rhythm can be fun, creative and take one’s mind off of the seemingly hopeless problem in front of you.  Here is a sample poem to show that it doesn’t have to be as clever as that of Dr. Seuss or as moving as an Edgar Allen Poe.  It’s for your own enjoyment, catharsis and inspiration.  And you never know, a poem you write could bring hope to someone else if you share it with them.  Or it can just be kept for a rainy day to lift your own spirits and chase the blues away!

Finding Hope

When life is hard as it often might be

Take a break with the Lord instead of TV

Pour your heart out to Him

Read His Word to find hope

And pray that He’ll give you the power to cope.   

After taking some time to be quiet before Him

Rise up where you are 

Trust The Bright Morning Star

He will lead and will guide as you go through the day

You’ll have faith to believe that you’ll be okay.    

For time has a way of changing what is

Holding on is the key, if you wait you will see.

For our God is above and around us each day

Bringing light in the darkness

And making a way

To weather the storms of this life as it is

Knowing what is to come is much better than this!

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC                                                                                                                                                 

The Complexity of Emotion

People are complex. Life is complex. Things are not always clear-cut. That’s true for emotions, too. They can be very complex. Sometimes it’s clear what we are feeling. Something goes right and we feel happy. Something goes wrong and we feel frustrated. But sometimes it’s not so clear what we’re feeling. Either the emotions are mixed-up so we can’t tell what we’re feeling right away, or we’re feeling more than one emotion at once – sometimes even conflicting emotions. 

This is because often times a happy event (let’s say a wedding for example) also brings with it emotions of stress and sometimes even a sense of loss – you’re happy you’re getting married and wouldn’t change it for the world, but you’re stressed about planning it and everything that entails, and there may also be a sense of loss about leaving the stage of life you’ve been in or the level of independence you had as you move into more interdependence. The opposite can happen, too, where something that is overall a sad event also has elements of relief or even happiness. Sometimes emotions are layered – we might notice a protective emotion first (like anger), but underneath that anger is a more vulnerable emotion (like fear or sadness). 

Let’s give space to ourselves and others to feel emotions – all of them, even when there are multiple emotions, and even when there are conflicting emotions. Remember not to let the emotion control your behavior. Instead, take time to recognize what you’re thinking (in general or about situations leading up to the emotion) and figure out what you need. Be aware when interacting with others that a situation that may seem positive to you, may be negative or mixed for someone else. Instead of immediately stating what you would perceive the situation to be, take time to reflect what you see the other person experiencing; therefore validating their emotional experience. For example, “You look torn about this”. If you aren’t sure what they’re experiencing, ask. For example, “I can’t tell how you’re feeling about this…what are you experiencing?” By putting these things into practice, the complexity of emotion can become less daunting. Our emotions will also better be able to serve their purpose of helping us experience life, connecting to ourselves and others, providing us with information, and giving us energy to appropriate action rather than reacting.

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

Inside Out

At the risk of sounding like a movie critic, I highly recommend the movie, “Inside Out.”   If you are not familiar with this film it is an animated movie.  Animation or not this is a movie for all ages!  One of the reasons many people come into counseling is difficulty dealing with emotions.  The stories are different, the people involved may be different, the age or gender may be different but when you look down under it all, it becomes about sorting through emotions and feelings and trying to figure out what they are and how to cope.  Inside Out is a movie that depicts just this subject.  It’s about a young girl trying to cope with all the major changes going on in her life and the committee in her head that appears to be running the show, enter into the picture: fear, joy, anger, sadness and disgust.

Everyone has feelings but not everyone expresses or handles their feelings in the same way.  My experience has been that the majority of people don’t like to feel or just don’t know how.  Sometimes feelings are considered a weakness, for example the feelings of sadness or fear.  Joy, anger and disgust usually are more acceptable feelings.  Interestingly, as much as we want to control these feelings and often appear to control them, in the end they control us.  We need the full spectrum of feelings in order to fully manage our lives.  We need to be able to figure out what’s going on inside in order to function to the fullest on the outside.  Feelings are just that, feelings, neither right nor wrong.  Feelings should not rule our lives, but when we are able to recognize what we are feelings, they become a barometer that can help us navigate to healthy solution, to move forward and through life’s ups and downs.

So that dreaded question, “What are you feeling?” could actually be considered a logical step in trying to figure out a solution.  For example, if you feel hungry, what do you do?  Ignore it?  Try to push it aside and not feel the hunger pains and stomach growls?  Well maybe some do, but usually NO…you eat.  You recognize what you feel and the solution is to eat.  So if you have some kind of discontent inside maybe it’s a feeling that you just can’t name or don’t want to feel.

Throughout the movie the character Joy is trying to rule.  Everything is about being happy and content and she does not want Sadness to have any part of the young girls life.  Sadness on the other hand keeps trying to be part of the girl’s life and keeps getting interrupted by Joy.  (At the risk of being somewhat of a spoiler alert).  Towards the very end of the movie you begin to catch on to the importance of Sadness and her role in the girls life.  In fact without Sadness, there can be no Joy.  It was through Sadness that the young girl finally is able to move forward and process all the changes.  What it took to get there was to recognize and feel the sadness.

Feelings and emotions can be powerful.  Many people do not want to tread the waters of emotions.  I am not saying that you need to spend years in therapy trying to figure out “what you feel.”  I am not saying that you have to go from being strong to being all touchy feely.  Feelings and emotions should not be driving your bus.  Convictions and beliefs should be driving your bus, but emotions can be on the bus as they often can help us navigate where to go next.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Inside Out and Children’s Emotions

     I recently watched Disney Pixar’s newest movie, Inside Out. The movie surpassed my expectations and has my counselor-self excited at the steps Pixar has taken to try to educate children and families about emotions and personalities. Movies rarely provide equal amounts of education and entertainment, but Inside Out accomplishes both by taking an abstract concept and making it more concrete. The movie takes place inside the head of a young girl named Riley during her move to a new state and introduces five different characters who take turns at the center of the control board. Emotional development is rarely the premise of a movie, but Inside Out has journeyed into uncharted waters and started a conversation about emotions. Allow me to explain some of the things I took away from the movie: 

We all experience a wide variety of emotions daily. The five characters introduced in the movie (Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust) correspond to five of the six basic emotions researched by Paul Eckman that have been found to exist in different cultures. The sixth basic emotion is surprise but was left out of the movie. This means that the characters in the movie represent, at a basic level, the emotions that people all across the world experience daily. Eckman’s research has been widely used, and he was even consulted throughout the creation process. What results is a movie that is on point describing the basic emotions experienced by human beings. Emotional experiences impact a person’s perception of the world, shape the memories of the past, and impact interactions in the present. In short, emotions are almost always impacting a person’s life and experience of the world. In short, helping a child to understand their emotions is an important task, and parents would do well to use some of the insights this movie provides. The development of emotional intelligence is crucial. 

Personified emotions shed new light on an abstract, difficult concept. Perhaps one of my favorite things about the film is the fact that emotions are given a personality and a face. I have yet to find any characters that take emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness and create an entire character personality based on the single emotion. Never before has there been such a concrete way to talk about emotions, which often feel abstract. In my office, children sometimes have a difficult time describing their anger or fear. The characters of Inside Out teach about the different emotions and provide a way for children to understand their feelings more concretely. 

Personifying emotions will also allow parents to engage in conversations with their children in a new way. It allows for a more concrete discussion about a child’s emotional experience and provides a common language from which the discussion can be approached. Parents might be able to use questions such as “Which emotion is operating your control center right now” or “What is the fear/anger voice inside your head saying to you”. Fear made me laugh during the movie when he came up with a list of all the possible scenarios of what might go wrong during Riley’s first day at school, and yet there is some truth in that depiction of the character. Using that example of Fear, parents might be able to help their children come up with their own list of all the things their brain is making them worry about.  

Every emotion has an important role to play. Inside Out teaches the importance of each individual emotion and validates the difficult emotions that children might have trouble expressing. The emotions are portrayed for what they are, not positively or negatively. All too often, I hear parents say something like “Don’t be sad” “You don’t need to be afraid”, or “Calm down; stop being so angry.” These types of statements devalue the emotional experience of the child and cause confusion. Emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness often get a bad reputation due to statements like this and are seen in a negative light. I often here parents in my office talking about how they wish they could shield their children from experiencing sadness, anger, or worry, but there is a problem with this way of thinking because children need to experience difficult and uncomfortable emotions to learn more about themselves and how to handle the world. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely shield a person from difficult emotions because we live in a sinful, broken world where disappointment and heartache are guaranteed. Part of the reason trophies are handed out to every child at a sporting event is to shield the child from feeling a difficult emotion, but this actually shields the child from being able to learn and grow from those experiences and causes problems later in life when the child is approached with more difficult life events. Experiencing disappointment during childhood begins to lay the foundation for how a person will deal with and move past disappointments in the teenage and adult years. This movie beautifully portrays that each emotion has its own role to play and that each emotion is important for what it is. 

Feeling sad may be uncomfortable, but sad is not bad. For me, one of the most touching parents of the movie was when Joy realized the purpose and role of Sadness. For most of the movie, Joy makes her mission to keep Sadness away from the control board and the memories, but she comes to understand the importance of Sadness and her role in connecting Riley to others when she feels down. Sadness leads to a deeper connection with others. There is a noticeable shift towards the end of the movie where the role of Sadness really shines. Children often have a hard time expressing their sadness, more so than emotions like anger or fear. Most kids just do not want to feel sad because feeling sad is equal to feeling bad. However, sadness is a vital emotion for children to experience and understand. Teaching a child how to embrace their sadness (or any difficult emotion for that matter) rather than avoid the feeling will lead to more well-adjusted child who is able to navigate the challenges of life. In the movie, Sadness was able to connect empathetically with Riley and change a difficult memory into one that included receiving love and support from family and friends.

A deeper understanding of emotions leads to a higher level of emotional intelligence. Parents, please do not write off Inside Out as a simple children’s movie. This movie provides a concrete way to discuss an abstract concept and teaches several important lessons throughout which are highly worth pondering. If you have not seen the movie yet, check it out, and keep these things in mind as you watch it. Children benefit from learning about their emotions, and Inside Out does a fabulous job of teaching about them while providing true entertainment. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC