Resolution Momentum

By: Nick Smith, LCPC

If you started this year with a resolution, I first want to congratulate you on making a commitment to change. I hope this post serves as some encouragement on your journey. There is no doubt that this journey will be difficult at times but here are some ideas to help keep you going.

1. Start Small: Typically the “Go Big or Go Home” mentality leads many people to just “go home.” If you can start making small changes here at the beginning of the year, you can build momentum. It’s better to frustrated about feeling like you can do more than to feel frustrated by the daily difficulty of it.
   
2. Change is difficult. If it weren’t, you would have done it already. Remember this when your mind starts to condemn you for being “weak” or “slow” or “unable.”
   
3. If one day you want to quit, do something small. If you committed to going to the gym, then go for 5 minutes. If you committed to eat more greens, then eat one leaf of spinach. But achieving your goal in a small way will help momentum.
   
4. Reassess goals often. At the beginning of the year it’s easy to say, “I’m going to go to the gym 5 days a week,” then come to remember after the first week how difficult that is. It’s possible that you have overcommitted and that’s ok. Overcommitment helps to see what a more realistic goal could look like. Also, life circumstances change and we have to reassess our goals in those times. 
   

Achieving your goal is possible! Try to stay positive and surround yourself with people who support you. You can get there! 

Another Resolution Story

If you are a user of social media, particularly Facebook, I am sure you have seen your newsfeed filled with folks recapping their 2014 year.  Reading these recaps can be difficult at times, especially if you feel fairly unaccomplished in the past year.  Fear not!  You do not have to stay in the state of feeling unaccomplished or unchanged.  2015 brings a new opportunity.  

The beginning of this year marks a new beginning in your story, but only if you allow it to.  The story you tell yourself about this coming year is going to mark where your 2015 will end.  What do you want to accomplish this year?  Lose a couple of pounds, spend more time with your family, eat healthier etc., it all starts and end with the story you build around your goal.  If you constantly reinforce the fact that change is difficult and your goals are beyond your reach, its going to be difficult to meet them.  However, if you change the story in your mind and tell yourself a positive message about the goal you have set, it will become much easier to achieve.

This year will give you plenty of opportunities to grow and restart.  Don't be overwhelmed by obstacles — see them as opportunities for growth.  Surround yourself with people who reaffirm your positive message.  The only thing holding you back from your goals are the limits in your own mind, set by the story you tell yourself.  Change is possible, so start telling yourself a positive story!

By: Nicholas Smith, MA, LPC

The Value of a Period in Resolving Conflict

Welcome!  Today Scott Hendrickson brings to us a great article on conflict resolution.  Conflicts are part of life, they are inevitable.  Sometimes we mistake the goal in dealing with a conflict as being the avoidance of them.  The goal should not be to avoid conflicts, just to learn ways to more effectively cope with them.  Here is what Scott has to say:

We were all taught in elementary school at the end of every sentence we place a period. We were told to avoid run-on sentences. The period serves either as a pause to distinguish between the next sentence and thought as well as the end of the story. Now I am by no means a grammartician but I believe there is something really useful here to help you reduce the length and intensity of your conflicts. In our confrontations, sometimes what maintains the fight is the lack of a period. 

It makes sense that we repeat ourselves in escalating fashion as we fight. We are angry so we have lots of energy to deal with. Probably we don't feel listened to or hurt and need to talk it out. If someone doesn't understand or agree it is the natural thing to keep pounding away with what we believe the truth. When we don't know what else to do we do what we know and what comes instinctively. 

There are some problems with giving way to our old fighting habits however. For one, it doesn't seem to be effective. I don't remember too many people coming to see me who were satisfied with the outcome of these arguments. Here are a few points to consider to help bring your fights to a close. 

Bad habits that keep us from being heard...

• Lecturing (run-on sentences) keeps a person on the defensive therefore minimizing insight. The more you yell, lecture or repeat your unresolved complaint, the more your target audience (spouse, child, coworker, IT consultant, etc) tries to defend herself. When a person is defensive, it is almost impossible to see another perspective.
• Redundancy communicates your stupid or you are not listening and maintains defenses (see first bullet point). It also says I have little intention of hearing your side. If you are looking to simply blow off some angry steam this might work briefly but after your rant your listener might have his ears plugged with little motivation to hear or validate your complaint.
• Pounding away at your point over and over also says, "you are going to do it my way or see it my way or else!" Sorry but this is controlling. This is a hard point but if you don't allow for the other person's disagreement you will be hard pressed to actually achieve genuine agreement. From a negotiating stand point alone, if one of the parties has no intention of moving from his/her position he/she is not negotiating in good faith. Any healthy relationship has the built-in expectation of differences and accepts this.

Better habits...

• Use a simple 3 part "I statement" with a period (don't forget the period). Part one: I feel... (insert an actual feeling word here: an emotion). Part two: when you... (insert the other persons behavior succinctly summarized). Part three:  because... (insert the consequences or ramifications of the other person's behavior). Again, don't forget the period or pause after your "I statement". Let the person respond. They might be defensive, clueless or turn it back on you or they might listen and attend to your feelings.
• If they become defensive or they discount your statement, follow up with "I hear what you are saying, nonetheless, that is how I feel". Avoid the urge to be defensive yourself. The point is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. Remember that repeating yourself doesn't increase the chances you will be understood or validated BUT does reduce the chances of effective conflict resolution
• The reason for the "I statement" is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. By not belaboring your point or complaint you give this person more freedom to listen and understand you. Yes, he or she can reject you as well but long-term by giving him freedom to choose without the need to be defensive she will be more and more open to your point of view.

A period raises the possibility for introspection therefore learning. A period says I respect your feelings which is what I want in return. A period gives you an exit out of your anger and conflict to understanding and deeper intimacy. 

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC