Digital and Disconnected

This is the first blog post in a series of articles on the impact of technology in families. This post will address the impact upon relationships caused by technology and pose important questions for families to consider. 

Did your child or spouse receive an iPod, smartphone, or video game system for Christmas? Then I have something I would like for you to ponder as you look forward to a new year: what impact will that gift be allowed to have on your family in this upcoming year? 

A while back, I came across a photo in my Facebook news feed that I have had a hard time erasing from my mind.  (Of course when I went back to look for it, I couldn’t find it.) The picture showed a couple lying in bed both using different devices. In between them was a picture of a giant iPad essentially acting like a wall between them. That picture got me thinking about the impact of technology upon families and relationships.  I admit that I am guilty of using my phone or checking e-mails when I should be spending quality time with my husband, but since seeing that picture, I have found myself questioning just how much of a divide technology has created.  

Technology has infiltrated our world. There is almost always an e-mail waiting for a response, a call that needs to be answered, or a text to check. Add in playing games, updating a twitter page, checking Instagram, and all of the other things that technology can do, and we are left with an overwhelming pull towards the digital world. I challenge you to go out to any restaurant and pay attention to the surrounding families or couples. Watch their interactions for a little while. It will not take long before one starts to notice the large amount of tables where there is no interaction taking place simply because everyone is on a phone or device.  

Children today are growing up in a world far different from the world their parents grew up in because of the growth of digital devices. While there are several great benefits of technology, some are also starting to recognize several problems caused by technology. Kids today are growing up in a world where there are lot of online connections but few, if any, deep relational connections. Relational connections start in the home, and it is the job of a parent to provide the foundation for those connections. Children who are unable to make relational connections will have problems later on in life. While the surge of technology and the digital world are not solely responsible for straining relationships, I would argue that they do impact a person’s ability to be present and engaged in conversation. Over time, technology has seemed to reduce, if not replace, one’s ability to spend quality time (undistracted, intentional time) with loved ones. 

Catherine Steiner-Adair in her book The Big Disconnect writes the following:

Parents who have long-prided themselves in protecting, providing, and promoting a values-rich childhood for their children are feeling increasingly irrelevant in their children’s technology-driven lives. And they are right. Parents have lost their job—sometimes unwittingly abdicated it—at a time when they are most desperately needed by kids who are not only growing up faster but growing into a world that no longer protects children. 

When I read books like The Big Disconnect, I feel overwhelmed with the rapid shift that has taken place in our society. I still remember wondering why in the world my friends would want to be able to check their e-mails on their phone when smart phones first came onto the scene, and now I cannot imagine being unable to access my e-mail on the go. Do not get me wrong, I think technology has a lot of benefits, but I wonder if we have really taken the time to consider the impact on the family. What are children learning if they have to compete with a phone for their parent’s attention? What is the impact upon marriages and families when spouses are more concerned with scrolling through their Facebook feed rather than connecting with one another? Are you willing to allow a disconnect to happen in your family?

Parents, it is time to take your job back. I urge you to not be the parent who willingly gives up his or her job of protecting and connecting with the child in your home because of the work emails that need to be answered or the levels of Candy Crush that need to be conquered. Technology is causing great division in families and relationships, and if families are not careful, it will eventually cause a complete disconnect. Are you willing to let that happen? 

Stay tuned for my next post which will address some strategies to bridging the gap between relationships and technology. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Overcoming the Stigma of Mental Health

Most of us were not able to make it too long in our lives without feeling some sort of stigma or shame because of something about us.  Maybe it was your hair cut in elementary school or the clothes you wore in jr. high.  Those feelings are strong and can lead us to avoid certain situations and people.  Michael Angelo has a great article for us this week about the stigma of mental health issues.  Here is what he has to say:

False beliefs about mental health can cause significant problems for those who need treatment the most.  The last thing that someone with a mental illness needs is to be stigmatized because of it.   

Negative attitudes and beliefs toward people who have a mental health condition are common.  Some of the harmful effects of a stigma like this can include reluctance for people to seek help due to a lack of understanding by family, friends, co-workers, or others they may know.

There might be fewer opportunities for work, school or social activities, or trouble finding housing as well.  Let's also not forget that, unfortunately, ignorance about mental health can lead to bullying, physical violence, or harassment.

To complicate matters, health insurance might not adequately cover mental illness treatment.  Also, there's the belief that these individuals will never be able to succeed at certain challenges or that they can't improve their situation because they are just too weak, inadequate, or even crazy.

But, according to Mayo Clinic, steps exist to cope with the stigma of mental health. Here are ways Mayo Clinic provides to deal with it:

• Get treatment. You may be reluctant to admit you need treatment. Don't let the fear of being labeled with a mental illness prevent you from seeking help. Treatment can provide relief by identifying what's wrong and reducing symptoms that interfere with your work and personal life.

• Don't let stigma create self-doubt and shame.  Stigma doesn't just come from others. You may mistakenly believe that your condition is a sign of personal weakness or that you should be able to control it without help. Seeking psychological counseling, educating yourself about your condition and connecting with others with mental illness can help you gain self-esteem and overcome destructive self-judgment.

• Don't isolate yourself.  If you have a mental illness, you may be reluctant to tell anyone about it. Your family, friends, clergy or members of your community can offer you support if they know about your mental illness. Reach out to people you trust for the compassion, support and understanding you need.
  

• Don't equate yourself with your illness.  You are not an illness. So instead of saying "I'm bipolar," say "I have bipolar disorder." Instead of calling yourself "a schizophrenic," say "I have schizophrenia." 

• Join a support group.  Some local and national groups, such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), offer local programs and Internet resources that help reduce stigma by educating people with mental illness, their families and the general public. Some state and federal agencies and programs, such as those that focus on vocational rehabilitation or the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), offer support for people with mental health conditions.

• Get help at school.  If you or your child has a mental illness that affects learning, find out what plans and programs might help. Discrimination against students because of a mental health condition is against the law, and educators at primary, secondary and college levels are required to accommodate students as best they can. Talk to teachers, professors or administrators about the best approach and resources. If a teacher doesn't know about a student's disability, it can lead to discrimination, barriers to learning and poor grades.

• Speak out against stigma.  Consider expressing your opinions at events, in letters to the editor or on the Internet. It can help instill courage in others facing similar challenges and educate the public about mental illness.

"Others' judgments almost always stem from a lack of understanding rather than information based on the facts," said Mayo Clinic. "Learning to accept your condition and recognize what you need to do to treat it, seeking support, and helping educate others can make a big difference."

Have you been stigmatized or seen someone stigmatized by someone who didn't understand the seriousness of a psychological disorder? Please share any personal experiences with mental health issues here. Or, use this space to provide details about disorders, treatments, medications, therapies, etc. They are welcomed!

The more comments related to a particular topic, the better. Let us reason together!

By: Michael Angelo, LCPC

Loneliness

Hello Everyone!  This week we have another great article for you, this one is on the topic of loneliness.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this particular article.  She does a great job explaining the problems that can arise if one were to stay lonely for a long period of time as well as how we are faced with loneliness today in a world of false connections.  Here is what Cindy has to say:

Researchers suggest that loneliness is becoming more common in the United States. In 1984, a poll showed that respondents most frequently reported having three close confidants, compared to the same poll taken in 2004, where the most common response was zero confidants. This appears to be an unfortunate trend.  Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but rather the quality, having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind.

“No man is an island.”  Sound familiar?  I was just watching a movie where the author of this was quoted as Jon Bon Jovi!  How funny is that?  The actual author is John Donne.  It is not just a quote, but also a poem.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine  own were; any man's death diminishes me,  because I am involved in mankind.  And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.  

In today’s world it sometimes feels like this statement has no place.  I mean we live in a world where we could hold up in our home by ourselves indefinitely.  Quite frankly we already may be living this way.

Independence is valued.  Strength in ourselves is rewarded.  We are taught these characteristics from a young age and it continues through our lifetime.  There is only one problem with this type of teaching.  We weren’t made to be completely independent, an island on our own.  We were meant to be in relationship with others and to be interdependent or as Dunne says, “a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

The result of being an island on your own can often result in loneliness and isolation.  We live hectic busy lifestyles that do not allow the needed time to devote to our personal relationships. Technology gives us the illusion, that we are “in” relationship with people, we text, tweet, instagram and Facebook, which in and of themselves can be means of communication but they can’t be our only means.  No one just drops by anymore, in fact that may be seem as rude or an intrusion.  

So what to you think?  Is no man an island to himself or is man an island to himself?  It is a real question to consider.  In the movie “About A Boy,” Hugh Grant portrays a character that believes he is an island to himself and in the beginning of the movie appears to be quite happy with this lifestyle.  He says, “All men are islands and this is the time to be one.  You used to have to depend on others but now you can make your own island paradise,” but upon meeting a young boy his life begins to change.  Slowly, Grant’s character, Will, begins to be pulled towards relationships, out of isolation and self-centeredness.  

Will didn’t see a need for others; in fact he believes them to be a liability.  If a man is an island then you can visit but certainly not move to his island.  He believes himself to be happy and content, but what about lonely?  I think that would have been a good question.  The movie doesn’t specifically address the term loneliness but at the end of the movie, clearly Will begins to see the need for others in his life.  He gives in to that natural homing device God has placed in all of us, that device that gets activated at one point or another, and once it gets turned on nothing appears the same.  We yearn and long for relationship, for community, to be part of something or someone.

At the end of the movie Will says, “Every man is an island, but clearly some men are part of island chains, below the surface of the ocean they are actually connected.”  It reminds me of Dunne’s poem, “Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  It also reminds me that in the beginning scripture tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”  God was not just specifically talking about Adam, but mankind as well, human beings are not meant to be alone, to be islands unto themselves, but as Will stated, and Dunn as well, “part of island chains, a piece of the continent.” 

If we are not “part of something” we run the risk of being lonely, and “part of something” is more then what technology offers us.  Part of something means part of someone else’s life.  People who know us and care.  People we hang out with beyond our smartphones.

Loneliness does not just affect our mental health. Chicago author and psychologist, John Cacioppo said that loneliness effects both our physical and mental health:

• Depression and suicide
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Increased stress levels
• Decreased memory and learning
• Antisocial behavior
• Poor decision-making
• Alcoholism and drug abuse
• The progression of Alzheimer's disease
• Altered brain function

If you find yourself feeling lonely, know that it is a red flag that says something may need to change or if you think you are an island unto yourself I encourage you to rethink that mind set.  Some changes that you can take are and question you might want to ask are:

1. Not replacing real face-to-face friends exclusively with technological friends, i.e.: Facebook, text, etc.
2. Make time to meet with people and call them to talk.
3. Begin to process what interdependent means for your life.  Do you even agree with interdependence versus independence?  What would it mean for you not to be totally independent?
4. Talk with someone you trust or consult a therapist regarding the changes you would like to see in your life.
5. Focus on developing quality relationships with like-minded people.
6. Lonely people often expect to be rejected.  Focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.  

Remember that change does not happen over night and everyone does feel lonely from time to time, even those who are not “island unto themselves.”  It is not about ridding loneliness completely from our lives, but rather making healthy changes and experiencing quality relationships in our lives.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Cultivating Passion

In our society, it’s easy to get on a career path, doing something that maybe isn’t all that exciting to you.  Perhaps your job is very draining and stressful.  You come home and all you can think to do is sit on the couch and stare at the TV, Facebook, Call of Duty, until you can’t keep your eyes open any longer, then you go to bed, starting the same process over again the next day.  That’s tough!  You probably don’t hear “Thank You” enough, or maybe you’re not acknowledged at all.  Sorry for the grim picture, let’s see if we can turn this thing around!

Did you ever meet anyone who was bubbling with excitement?  Perhaps their enthusiasm made you sick to the stomach.  There is something to be learned from these type of people.  Hope.  We all have the ability to feel alive, despite our potentially crummy life circumstances.  We don’t have to be bubbling goof balls either.

Start with your interests.  I find that a lot of people stop cultivating their interests once their lives get "busy".  Work and family life take a huge chuck of time, leaving little room for your hobbies.  Keep your hobbies living.  The average American spends over five hours per week watching television.  Cut your TV time in half to cultivate your passions, interests and hobbies.  

We get so use to thinking we deserve to lounge in front of the TV.  But moreover, we deserve to live fulfilled, meaningful lives, and we do that by participating in our hobbies.  

What passion/interest/hobby have you been neglecting lately?

By: Nicholas Smith, MA, LPC

Pure Joy?

Hello everyone, welcome to blog post #2 for this week. I come across this passage from time to time and I’m often stuck at the paradox it brings, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,” James 1:2. The following is my attempt to make some sense of this paradox.

Trials aren’t inherently joyous occasions. They are seemingly, the complete opposite. Some describe their trials as not only a difficult circumstance in life, but sometimes, they are accompanied by the feeling of God’s absence. Pure joy?

What Not To Do, When Helping Those Who Struggle

Hello Everyone! Welcome to the second post of this week.  I, Nick Smith, am the author of this week’s second article.  My topic is more aimed at those who are trying to “help” those struggling with an inner battle.  A lot of well intentioned people inadvertently make those they are trying to help feel more isolated.  This article was written in order to avoid some of the common mistakes.  Here's what I had to say:

You don’t know what to do, and thats okay.  You might have a desire to help a person you know; a co-worker, Bible study member, or spouse, and it’s great that you have that drive to help this person.  But without your intention, your words could lead them to feel more isolated or irregular than they already do.  Here are some guidelines to avoid doing that.

Ponderings on the World of Dating and Relationships

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By Adrienne Kather, LPC

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about dating and relationships. Not only because I have just re-entered dating/relationship world after years of not being in it (even during years of being single), but also because many people in my life are in various stages in dating/relationship world as well. It seems to me that it’s an often confusing and difficult place to be because there are hardly any easy, black-and-white answers to the questions that come up. I don’t have the answers, but I’d like to share the things I’ve learned/decided for myself and the things I’m wondering about.