The Most Effective Ways to Influence

Do you ever find yourself feeling unheard? Have you ever thought you provided great advice only for it to fall on seemingly deaf ears? Oftentimes the problem is due to a lack of influence on your part.  There are always going to be people in your life that will not be influenced by you no matter how impressive your advice is. In these cases, it’s best just to accept that that is the way THEY are.  For everybody else, there is still a significant challenge to be consistently heard when you share concerns or advice.  However, with this group of people, there are sound strategies that will help increase your ability to influence them when needed. Here are some components to think about when developing your strategies to be more influential. 

There are a few reasons people don’t hear or follow through on great advice. Perhaps the bigger ones have something to do with trust and/or safety.  A not-to-influenceable  person might simply have good boundaries and because of some already completed thought-work have made up his or her mind. Others might not trust you or believe you are a safe person to listen to.  This might not be due to what you have done but more because of that person’s past.  Because of certain experiences from our past we either raise a shield to keep people out or we are open to a variety of feedback from others. The higher a person’s defenses the less likely they will allow outside feedback. 

It is always a good idea to evaluate how defensive someone is. If a person seems defensive and you come along and accuse them of being defensive, the end result is probably going to be defensiveness about being defensive. The harder you push, the higher the walls. Save your energy. Find ways to ease the perceived threat. Escalating verbal arguments are not only going to be counterproductive but damaging to whatever trust/safety factor there was. When I sense someone is being defensive, I will in fact check with them by stating something like, ‘you seem a bit defensive with what I am saying, is that true?’  If they deny being defensive, it might be true. Be prepared to accept that your initial evaluation was off. If you are still convinced of this person’s defensiveness, it’s time for a different strategy. 

Don’t rush. Building trust and safety takes time. You can make progress in one conversation simply by showing respect and patience for a person. I encourage you to see building trust and safety as more of a long-term process however. Think of it like applying paint.  The thicker you apply it, the more likely the finish will be bad.  Spreading in thinner coats takes time. The first coat will look unfinished (because it is unfinished). Sometimes there is a need for primer with sanding and prep work before you get to the first or next coat.  Each patient application improves the finish but you might need several coats. My dad used to paint cars in his business and I remember some paints required more than eight separate coats of paint with fine sanding between them. Every time you provide an interaction that is safe and trustworthy, it is a coat of paint. Layer on many more until you have a solid (and shiny) covering of trust and safety. 

Trustworthiness requires consistency.  If you are patient, truthful and respectful 70 times in a row and then have one angry outburst or one critical and sarcastic moment, your trust will take a hit.  Here are some traits that will sabotage your trust and safety work: abrasiveness, dishonesty, shaming, accusing, rejecting, gossip or a loose tongue, excessive volume (they might think you are shouting even if you don’t think you are), etc.  I am sure you could add a few more traits to this list. As you evaluate someone you are trying to influence for defensiveness you will notice some of your own traits that promote defensiveness. Be willing to learn from these personal self-observations. It will help you develop influence with more and more people. 

On the flip side there are also certain traits that promote hearing. Here is a starter list for you to consider: caring, thoughtful, make people laugh, knowledgeable, strong and integral faith, empathy, gentle, passionate, consistent and present. These traits expressed consistently over months and years will undoubtedly grow your influence over that same span of time. Openness to your thoughts and expressions might not be possible with a particular person after a week or a month or even this year but again, consistently being safe and trustworthy raises your chances while lowering any person’s defenses at the same time (with time of course). 

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Trust The Therapeutic Process

I get it. It’s difficult when you or someone you love has been in therapy a while and you don’t always see the progress. It’s difficult when someone you love is in therapy and you don’t know what’s happening in it. You don’t know if the person is being honest or telling everything that you think should be told. You don’t know much of anything that’s going on other than what the person is willing to tell you. I want to encourage you to trust the therapeutic process. There are things that we can be tempted to do that actually can get in the way of therapy working for ourselves and those we love. 

Keys to Trusting the Therapeutic Process

1. Let your defenses down. If you are the one in therapy, more will be accomplished if you can let your masks and walls down. If someone you love is in therapy, stop worrying about what they are saying about you and instead trust they are working things out. Also, make yourself open to hearing (if/when they are ready) what they want to tell you without getting defensive. 
2. Stop asking what they’re talking about in therapy. It creates pressure and could create guilt. It takes away from the safe place that therapy is supposed to be. They will tell you if/when they are ready and want to tell you and until then it is best that you honor that we each have the right to figure things out and share about that in our own time. If you are going to ask, just ask once and make it known that you just want them to know you’re available to talk if they want and they don’t have to share anything they’re not ready to or don’t want to. 
3. Along the same lines, stop asking their therapist what is talked about in session. If it’s something you need to know, the therapist will tell you (if the person is under twelve) or will get permission to tell you. Same reasons as in #2. Confidentiality is a positive factor in therapy. Don’t jeopardize that. 
4. Realize change takes time. It is frustrating when you are in therapy and those around you are always pointing out the things they see that they think haven’t changed (and it’s discouraging when we do it to ourselves). Instead make an effort to see the changes, even the smallest changes. Remember that change takes time, and even after change happens we still won’t do it perfectly all the time. 
5. Don’t try to do the therapist’s job. Whether you are trying to be a therapist to the person you love or you are trying to tell their therapist what to do in sessions with the person you love, stop it. You are not the therapist. It not only can get in the way of the therapeutic process, but is also harmful for your relationship. Your relationship with the person is supposed to be based on mutuality. Acting like the therapist or trying to control what happens in their therapy feels to the other person like you are putting yourself above them. Instead come alongside them, share your perspective with the therapist when it is appropriate to do so (when either the person invites you to share, gives permission for the therapist to ask your perspective, or when you are included as part of the session). 

There is an element of mystery to why therapy works. This is partly because each person is a unique individual. Part of it is each person needs to come to their own “aha moment”. Part of it is the amount of work each person is willing to put into healing, growth and change. However, there are several things that research has shown are factors that make therapy work. It provides someone trained to help you tell your story in a way that integrates both the factual and emotional aspects. Another is if you and your therapist are able to form a trusting, safe connection – we call this the therapeutic relationship. Having a safe place where you can let your masks come off and your walls come down is beneficial. Having someone who can help you gain insight by helping you identify positive and negative thought patterns, core beliefs, healthy and unhealthy coping skills, unresolved wounds and unmet needs – and then helps you solidify the positive/healthy and learn new patterns, beliefs and coping skills in place of unhealthy ones and heal unresolved wounds. So, let’s do our part and trust the therapeutic process for the rest whether that’s for ourselves or for those we love.  

By Adrienne Kather, LPC