Hold on Loosely

By Rachael DeWitt, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

   I’m going to confess something to you. I’m a bit of a control freak. It’s not that I need to have a perfectly clean house, or perfectly behaved kids. I’ve given up on those quite a while ago. But I do need this sense that I am in control, that I can handle this, whatever this may be in the moment. My husband laughs about how, earlier in our marriage, I would be putzing around the house, preparing to go to bed. As soon as he would say to me, “Go to bed!” I would bristle and say “Don’t tell me what to do!” and find some excuse to stay up for another half an hour. He’d laugh at his little joke, knowing full well that I was tired, but that I couldn’t relinquish control enough to go, just because he told me to. I’m getting a bit better (it took me a while, but I learned that not going to bed was actually letting him control me!), but I still wrestle with trying to control things when the going gets tough.

   Do you ever struggle with control in your relationships? When things seem out of control: our kids are not listening, our spouse is pulling away, our jobs are on the line, the tendency is to try harder, control more, grasp at whatever you can and hold on with all your might. Maybe it’s nagging your husband to get things done around the house. Maybe it’s criticizing your wife for the extra 10 pounds she’s put on. It could be that you are yelling at your subordinates at work because you fear your boss is going to yell at you. Or maybe your kids are just too noisy, too messy, too needy, and you make sure you let them know.

   We fear losing control, but the truth is, the more we try to control the people around us, the more we lose them. Instead of doing as we say, they recoil at our attempt to manipulate them. Like I did when my husband told me to go to bed, we end up fighting against the person who is trying to control us, even when what they are telling us really is what we need. Let’s use a metaphor to help make this point more clear.

   Right about now, we are all planning or at least dreaming about summer vacations. Imagine you are fortunate enough to take a trip to the beach. Feel the warm sand beneath your bare feet. Doesn’t that feel nice? Now reach down and pick some up. You love this moment, this beach, this sand. You never want to let it go. Clutch it tightly in your fist. What is happening? That’s right, it’s all slipping between your tightly clenched knuckles. Open your hand, and you are lucky to have half of what you had before.

   Now, reach down and pick up some more sand. This time, gently cup it in your hand. How much are you able to hold on to now? You may lose a few grains, but overall, the sand is staying put. You can now carry it back to your spacious beach house and have the maid put it into a lovely container to take it home with you. (Hey, if we’re dreaming up a vacation, let’s dream big!) By holding on loosely, you were able to keep that what was precious to you.

   The same is true in our relationships. Hold on too tightly, and the person you love will squirm right out of your arms. Let up on your need to control, and you will find them cooperating with you much more effectively.

   What does this look like in everyday relationships? It means making requests, not giving demands. It means asking that something be completed in a reasonable time frame, not right this second. It’s listening, not just talking and barking orders. It’s making space for the people that you love. Perhaps it’s being 5 minutes late, without giving a lecture. Or bailing someone out of a foolish mistake, without making them feel foolish. In short, it’s showing people the grace and respect that we would like them to be giving to us. It’s treating people the way we want to be treated. Can we all agree to put that on our summer to-do list this year? Learn to unclench that fist just a little, and stop trying to control the people we love. In return, they will be able to love us back more genuinely, and we will all be happier for it.

   After all, isn’t that what we really want?


In addition to counseling kids, teens and families at Heritage Counseling Center, Rachael blogs at http://mommylcsw.blogspot.com about Christian parenting, and how to be a Good Enough Parent.

Freedom

By Nicholas Smith, Licensed Professional Counselor

Wars have been fought since the beginning of time over this one basic concept: freedom.  The idea of freedom is the very foundation of our country.  Forces that seek to potentially oppose our freedom get headlines in the media.  North Korea, Boston Bombers, Iran’s Nuclear Weapons.  They stand to disturb that one concept from which all of our happiness in America stems: freedom.  

What happens then when opposition to our freedom occurs?  War.  It gets ugly.  American’s don’t mess around.  Similarly, if someone were to break into a typical American’s home, the owner probably wouldn’t sit idly by while their 60” TV gets hauled out by a couple guys in ski masks.

The point? We LOVE freedom to the point of fighting.  Yet when it comes to our emotional health, physical health, and relational health, we often do the opposite and take an idle approach.  We even use freedom as an excuse to say things like, “I can eat whatever I want”, “I don’t have to listen to you”, and “I don’t need to handle this issue, it will resolve itself.”  Food is a good example because even though we are free to eat whatever we want, making unhealthy choices will restrict our freedom to live a long healthy life.  Our freedom to avoid problems in marriage will restrict our freedom to have a happy marriage.  Exercising our freedom to ignore difficult life circumstances, negative thoughts, etc., will restrict our freedom to have a fulfilling life. 

Discipline on the other hand, is a self-imposed restriction of freedom to help us accomplish our goals. Giving up in order to gain.  Aligning our goals with our God-given talents and abilities will enable us to find true freedom and fulfillment. 

“To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.”

-- G. K. Chesterton

Letting Go of the Past, Living in the Present

By Nick Smith, LPC

No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent.

-       William Ellery Channing

We have all experienced hardships, troubled times, traumatic situations and heartache.  Even though everyone on the planet experiences difficult situations, we still manage to say, “I am alone in my pain, no one could ever understand what I am going through.”  Isolating ourselves because of our pain and sorrows can cause us to limp through life for many years before the “time heals all wounds” rule kicks in.

If you have been weighed down by troubling emotions and resentments, talk to someone; a friend, pastor, counselor, sibling or any other loving person in your life about those experiences that are keeping you from living to your fullest potential.  Let those people know the extent to which this event affects your day-to-day life.

Suggestions on how to let go of the past and start living in the present:

1.     Develop hobbies.  Thinking about this negative event or life circumstance has slowly become your hobby, take up a new hobby. 

2.     Incorporate self-esteem boosters into your day-to-day life.  Exercise and eating healthy are a great start.  Make small challenges for yourself to easily complete each day.

3.     Re-establish who you are.  Traumatic events can try to dictate our beliefs about who we are.  Examine your morals and values and then stick to them.  This is a good way to come back to your baseline. 

4.     Start right now!  Many times we put things off until we have more time or resources.  For example, you don’t need to wait until the next paycheck to purchase a gym membership; you can do some push-ups in your living room.  Everyone who has ever lived, from da Vinci to Mozart, has been given the same 24 hours to create their masterpieces; the time to start yours is now!

Making the Next Right Choice

By Nicholas Smith, LPC

We all make multiple decisions everyday. Some are small and essentially inconsequential, such as which shoe we put on first; left or right? Yet others pack quite a life changing punch: jobs, marriages, children, friends, school, etc. There are all topics loaded with big choices. How do we go about making decisions? What resources do we utilize in order to make the best choice? These are some questions I would like to explore with you in this post.

In the realm of substance recovery, you might come across this saying, "Make the next right choice," and on the surface, that may seem like a pretty simple yet profound thing. Obviously for one who struggles with addiction in some way, the next right choice is always to stay sober. In fact, another "right" choice would be to stay away from the bar altogether and yet another is to not hang out with the people you always wind up getting high with. But other decisions might not be so apparent.

Most of us do not make decisions by the flip of a coin, leaving it up to chance. The choices we make are merely a reflection of who we are and what we believe in. It is our morals/standards/values that help us make decisions about our lives. For example, one who is politically swayed toward the Green Party will probably choose to drive an economical vehicle. This is because they hold themselves to a standard of being a good steward of our planet. Our world is becoming increasingly apathetic toward morals and standards making it more difficult for some to confidently make decisions about their future, goals, etc.

William Glasser is one of my favorite psychological theorists/authors. Through his writings, one can gather that it was essential for individuals to establish morals/standards/values and then live them out. When we live incongruently to our morals, we open doors for many psychological ailments and issues in our relationships. Think for a moment about this scenario: a friend of your wants to borrow $200. They promise to pay it back, even pinky swore on it! A couple weeks go by and you haven't heard from them. Finally, you get a hold of them to inquire about your money and they tell you they need more time. So, either your friend doesn't value keeping promises or they were just trying to rip you off. Either way, there is obviously going to be an issue within the relationship with that friend. You might even be thinking, "That friend is obviously suffering from a psychological disorder!"

I hesitate to bring up potentially more serious issues such as adultery, abortion, pornography, addictions and the like because I would not want anyone who is reading this to feel judged. Many people engage in these types of actions. There is a good chance, however, that some readers are starting to think of areas in their life right now that are incongruent with their morals/standards/values and these differences are causing a fair amount of emotional discomfort. We have what it takes to live a life of continuity, to be true to ourselves and live our values. It's not always easy, but the more we, "make the next right choice," the easier it becomes. The best resource for living this out is to simply surround ourselves with people who know our values and/or have similar values. Sometimes that means making new friends or participating in healthy social events such as church, volunteering, joining a club through your park district, etc. When we find ourselves in positions where it is difficult to live up to our own standards, we shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about seeking help. Remember, even the most devout saints struggle to live a life of continuity (1 Timothy 1:15)

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!" (Deuteronomy 30:19)

On Forgiveness

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Many times forgiveness seems like a burden we bear…and quite painfully.  The fact that Jesus said we have to forgive might even seem to add more heaviness to this burden than anything that is supposed to be righteous.  When you have been deceived, cheated on, taken advantage of, violated or other, forgiving might appear more of an act of enabling our perpetrator than anything else.  Wounds capture our hearts.

When we are hurt, the wound sits in our minds capturing our hearts and focus.  We become more alert in order to protect ourselves and make sure this doesn’t happen to us again.  What’s the old adage: ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?’  I know that when a spouse (husband or wife) has been cheated on, they often feel like a fool—it hurts and it begins to dominate their thoughts.  It can even become an obsession.

This obsession can turn into a spiraling cycle that in the end holds one captive to the wounds.  At first the thoughts fixate on the offense.  When did it happen? How did it happen? Where, what and with whom? Time, money and motives become a focus of investigation and then the interrogation happens with your offender.  You want to somehow know all and have him/her tell all so you can keep yourself from being the fool once again—from being hurt once again. 

It is exceedingly difficult to stop this obsession however, because there will never be a good explanation as to why it happened.  For some reason our motives to obsess always come back to the why question and no answer will ever fully explain away someone’s cheating or lying ways.  This is where the spiral deepens because then you look at yourself and conclude that you must have some deep flaws that caused your loved one to hurt you so deeply.  Why else would this happen?  Guilt and shame then start to take over the cycle and it hurts more than ever.  The problem is that we often circle back into the same pattern—you hurt me bad, I’m gonna investigate,  interrogate, it still doesn’t make sense therefore something must be wrong with me,  maybe I deserved this, this hurts, I’m going to protect myself, etc.

I call this a fear/hurt/defensive mode.  The Bible says to ‘guard your heart…’ and this is our futile attempt to protect what is most important to us—our heart.  At this point, we are held hostage not by the original offense but by our struggle to protect ourselves.  Can I ask you to do an exercise? Identify two-three times you remember being hurt and rank them on a piece of paper with the most hurtful as number one.  Now list all of the places you found yourself thinking about your number one ranked hurt throughout the day and night. 

For most (yes, you are not alone), after a major offense like a betrayal or violation, the answers are everywhere: driving to work, at work, at lunch, in meetings, the store (all stores), at church, with the neighbor, every room in your house and more.  If you added up the total amount of time thinking about it, we are talking day and night, 23 of 24 hours a day for weeks and months.  Your woundedness has captured you most powerfully!

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it dominate our focus so much? The answer is that relationship is a part of who we are and what we do.  The Holy Bible says in the very first book, Genesis, that we were made with His image.  My Bible says it this way, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness.’  The Triune God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit, said let ‘us’.  It is really important to notice that God, in three Persons, has Relationship as a major part of His essence.  He is Relationship and he put that likeness in us.  So it makes sense that when we are injured in a relationship that we hurt to our very essence—our core.

If you read through scripture and see the relationship between God and mankind, you will see that no one knows being rejected, abandoned, cheated on, lied to or violated more than God (See Jesus, Judas and Peter in Matthew 26).  Jesus, the Son of God, identifies deeply with our relationship hurts.  If you read through the Old Testament book of Hosea, you can see God’s deep, emotional (and angry) expression of His hurt.  At one point through the prophet’s writings, God says, ‘your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears.’  Yes, I think God understands perfectly!

This is important because it is this perfect identification with how we have been hurt in our relationships that give God infinite authority and credibility to speak to us.  Jesus said to forgive not with a simplistic ‘do as I say not as I do’ (as my father used to tell me) but with an ‘I’ve been there too!’

Remember that verse I quoted you earlier, ‘guard your heart’? Forgiveness is one of the ways we are able to guard our hearts.  Jesus said he came to ‘set the captives free’.  Instead of perpetuating a fear/hurt/defensive model in your life where your heart becomes isolated and darkened, forgive and be set free. Guard your heart through forgiveness not by avoiding forgiveness.

I have a few more things to say about forgiveness—like how to do it, how to help others, and other hopefully encouraging things in my next few articles. Join me?

New Year, New Risks

By Michael Angelo, LPC

“Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will.” 

– Vernon Howard, American spiritual teacher, author, and philosopher

I live by this motto. To me, there is nothing more challenging or rewarding than keeping my eyes open to the new experiences before me.

However, to see them is one thing; to take a risk and embrace them is something entirely different.

I may fail at what I try. Then again, I may succeed.

Do you live for the failures, or are you willing to open up yourself to the possibilities of success? I tell my clients that they wouldn’t be in my office if they chose to not live in fear of succeeding. Heading into this venture called “going to counseling to fix something that’s wrong with me” isn’t easy. But neither is remaining in the situation they are in, which may be comfortable but is in no way satisfying.

Please consider the importance—and necessity—of change as you welcome 2013, with all the chances for personal growth and healing that it offers. No matter how hopeless you may feel about the situations you face, know that resources are available to help you survive and even thrive. I’m not just talking about what you may get from your counseling sessions, either. Consider, for example, how you might apply what you learn from your therapist or on your own as you meet head-on the struggles you may face at home, work, or elsewhere. Will you let your anxious or depressive thoughts consume you, or will you take control of them, renewing your mind?

Let God answer the question for you. He tells us in Romans 12:2 that if we allow him to do so, he will transform us into a new person by changing the way we think. Then, the verse says, we will learn to know his will for us, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Through our obedience in reframing our thoughts, seeking alternative ways to view issues, situations, and persons, we become, as the passage indicates, a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he finds acceptable.

Could it be that easy? If it were that simple, why do so many clients continue to insist that I tell them what God’s will is for their lives?

 I don’t waver from my message that they have no real way of knowing what his will is without putting their thoughts and feelings in balance. By this, I mean that the best decisions occur when a person’s thinking mind is equally poised with his or her feeling mind. Only then can he or she find true wisdom for whatever dilemma is in front of them.

Anyone who has been a client of mine for any length of time has seen my thinking / feeling / wise mind drawing. It is the Venn diagram that places the thinking mind in the circle to the left, with the feeling mind occupying the circle to the right. The wise mind is perfectly situated in the overlapping area in-between. The diagram is based on concepts inherent in the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques espoused by Aaron Beck, and others—strategies that allow us to examine our distorted thoughts instead of simply reacting to them. By choosing to base our decisions on a more realistic understanding of the circumstances—one where logic has as much of a say as emotions—we have a much better chance of making a wiser decision, one that aligns with God’s will.

The origins of CBT are not new. They predate Beck by thousands of years, going all the way back to the first man, Adam.

God made him with an intellect, emotions, and will. As Adam’s descendants, we carry the blueprint of his DNA in us, and honor the Lord when we employ our thinking and feeling minds in equal portions, enabling our will to match God’s purposes for our lives.

We can’t do so if we live primarily in our feeling mind, afraid or depressed. Fear shifts the balance of power, letting emotions dominate behavior, throwing logic to the wind. Prudence and practicality are set aside, leaving little hope of achieving anything positive in God’s economy, or ours.

For example, though we may not feel like listening to our boss, really hearing what he or she has to say, we take a deep breath anyway, asking the Lord to help us get attuned (quickly) to the words coming out of his or her mouth, instead of counting the seconds until he or she is finished so we can defend our position. Or, though we might care less what our spouse has to say about something, we find a way to bring our feeling mind in equilibrium with our thinking mind, and really hear what he or she has to say. This includes the real meaning behind his or her statements, and not what we think they might mean.

If we want to make sure we “really get it,” we can paraphrase back what we heard the person say. He or she will correct anything we got wrong. We may need to calm ourselves again, easing the defensiveness that comes with being wrong, so we not allow our emotions to block what the other person is telling us.

The examples are numerous and aren’t limited to our interactions with others. We can be so stuck in our anxiety or depression that we may be frightened of approaching people and even scared of ourselves!

We must never be afraid to be honest with about our feelings. Jesus shared his freely with the heavenly father. The Lord spent more time in prayer than in ministry work. Praying to the father was for him, more than anything else, a time of dialogue steeped in emotions and not just in content.

And yet, Christ did not let his emotions get the best of him. Had he done so, doused in apprehension or worse, he would have rejected God’s plan of redemption for us through the cross. It wasn’t possible since Jesus was God, and perfect in every way.

We aren’t perfect, so pity on us if we allow our feelings to run wild! We would have no hope of living the kind of balanced life Jesus did while on earth. We would not have peace—despite the circumstances—if all we did was react.

Remember this as you attempt to make your life better this year. Don’t be afraid to step out in faith. The Lord will help renew your mind, bringing your feelings in line with your thinking so you can continue to more and more like Christ.

I also will be there for you, helping you recognize and readjust your thinking so you can stabilize your emotions. Wisdom and happiness await!

Reaching for Christmas

By Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

In the immortal words of the Chipmunks...

Christmastime is here!

Time for joy! And time for cheer!

Joy?  Cheer?  Those sound good, very nostalgic, but not very realistic.  Something for the kids, maybe, but the adults?  More like time for shopping. And cooking.  And filling our calendars with lots of holiday parties and activities.  And who is going to put up all those decorations anyway?  Joy and cheer get lost in the business of the season.

I was having a conversation with some friends recently about how we handle Christmas presents with our children. People basically fell into one of two camps:  Some try to minimize presents, to focus more on the meaning of the holiday or to fight back materialism, or both.  Others try to create the "magic of Christmas" by buying a lot of gifts for the kids to open in the morning, hoping for that look of wonderment on the kids’ faces.  It is this second group I want to address here.

Creating that "magic" is not limited to the number of presents we buy.  It is also in trying to have the perfect family gathering, the most festive home, the most interesting letter to go with our beautifully posed family portrait in our Christmas cards. We are reaching for Christmas; this idealized version that only exists in our imaginations and old Christmas movies.  But with the added pressure, what we often end up with is more of a Griswald Family Christmas than a Miracle on 34th Street. 

Let's take a moment to look back at Christmases past. What do you remember from your own childhood?  Or from when your children were young? I'm guessing that presents are a part of it, of course, but it also includes non-monetary traditions.  Listening to your favorite carols, trimming the tree together, attending church services and school programs. 

Let me challenge you this season to evaluate your calendars and your budgets carefully.  Keep the activities and expenditures that mean the most to you, but feel free to eliminate the others.  Slow down and allow Christmas to find you.  It's still there, no matter your age.  It's found wrapped in a manger, and its purpose is to bring peace and salvation, not expense and chaos.