Letting Go of People Pleasing

The phrase "people pleasing" has been around for a while now. No one likes being called a people pleaser and yet most people like to be thought of as a genuinely good person. It is desirous to be kind, loving, considerate, and thoughtful but if we do these things for the purpose of getting approval, attention or self worth, then we are falling into the people pleaser trap. When we spend our energy worrying about what other people think, seeking to make others happy at the expense of our own health or wellbeing, and focusing more on what other people are doing than on our own responsibilities, we are living a lifestyle of people pleasing. The Bible talks a lot about serving others, loving our enemies, going the extra mile and giving to those in need. These actions are commendable. The problem comes in when one's sense of security and self-worth comes from the approval that is received by doing them. It can cause a person to ignore their own needs and values in order to feel accepted and loved even if temporary and conditional. 

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 2 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

As I wrote in part one of this blog art, emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings. After you finish part two, go back and read part one of this article to help you with a strategy to cope with these difficult emotions.

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 1 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings.

Feelings are meant to be

Embracing “the Talk” | Talking to Children about Sex

Raise your hand if you feel 100% comfortable with the task of talking to your child about sex. Any takers? No one? Why am I not surprised?

Sex is a taboo topic in a lot of circles, and when it comes time to have “the talk” with children, most parents feel uncomfortable with the thought and task at hand. They would much rather leave the things up to the school or the youth group leader, keeping themselves free from those uncomfortable feelings. Movies have long portrayed comical situations of dads or moms trying to blubber their way through some type of description of the body and sex. A scene from the movie Sydney White comes to mind where the dad tries to talk with his daughter about becoming a woman. He tries to explain that her body would release an egg (like a chicken) each month while using a contraption built out of plumbing materials.  His lack of comfort with the subject is clear and the look of bewilderment on his daughter’s face is evident. The scene is comical but not that far off base. 

When it comes to Christian circles, this topic feels even more taboo. Sex feels like a “worldly” topic, and I find that many Christian parents are concerned with one thing: how to keep their child away from sex (thinking about it, knowing about it, and most importantly engaging in it). They are uncomfortable with the topic and would much rather have someone else teach their children the basics of the birds and bees. The problem with this mindset is that this comes at a cost to the child. The best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home from the people they trust most, yet they are forced to look outside of the home for answers because of the parent’s response to the topic and their portrayal of feeling uncomfortable. I am not negating the fact that this is a difficult, uncomfortable talk to have, but I do want to encourage parents, especially Christian parents, to step up to the plate and embrace the talk. Sexuality is a part of human nature, and child development includes sexual development. Failure to engage in the conversation with children robs them of the ability to understand their own sexual development from those with whom they share the closest bond and most importantly takes away the opportunity for shepherding and guiding a child’s heart to better understand God’s creation of the world and relationships. 

Unfortunately, in today’s world, most kids are learning about sex outside of the home. Our highly sexualized media culture and access to technology have basically stripped parents of the ability to truly shelter their child from the sexualized world. Children are being exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Fifteen years ago, “the talk” could have probably waited until the child was twelve. In today’s world, twelve is probably too late. This does not mean that younger children have to know every nitty-gritty detail about sex. I’m simply trying to convey the importance of beginning to open the doors to a realistic and honest conversation about the human body and the way that God created it to be. This is a call for intentional parenting. 

Left up to the schools or churches alone, a child’s understanding of sexuality is going to be limited and one-sided.  Schools can easily teach about reproduction in a short series during health class, and youth groups can cover the topic of purity during one of the weekly meetings. While these are valuable discussions to have, these are typically lectures rather than a dialogue. A short conversation or lecture about sex is not what is required here. The process of helping a child to understand sexuality happens over a period of time with intentional conversations (back and forth discussions) not during a one or two hour lecture. This is a process of helping children to understand both facts and principles. Facts are the actual details of the body’s changes and reproduction, and principles extend beyond the facts to help a child understand the design and God-given intent of sex between a husband and a wife. The principles regarding sex in today’s culture are highly skewed, so if parents do not step up to guide their child and instill godly principles, children end up learning the wrong things about sex. The process of teaching a child about sex should happen over the course of years, not over the course of hours because principles are not instilled quickly. 

So how can parents go about embracing the talk? First, take some time to think about your view of sex and how you feel about talking with your child. If you feel uncomfortable, what causes that feeling? Spend time considering the impact that your own past has had upon your understanding. What did your parents teach you about sex? What are your core values when it comes to sexuality? Jot down what values you hope to convey to your child. Parenting out of fear is not the goal here, so if the topic of sex causes fear or worry, address those issues before talking to your child. 

Second, spend some time defining what you consider to be your definition of healthy sexuality. Sexual development is a normal part of child development and cannot be avoided whether the topic is addressed or not. Christian parents ought to consider their theology of biblical sexuality. Children in today’s world will hear plenty about the cultural view of sex, so an understanding of the biblical view of sex and God’s intent for it is key. Help your child understand the biblical context of sex and its meaning. After all, sex between a husband and a wife is a representation of the union between Christ and the Church, and this should not be taken lightly. Help your child understand the healthy boundaries of sex. God clearly created sex to be between a husband and wife and placed boundaries in place from the beginning of time. These boundaries are for our good, but children need to know why these boundaries are good. 

Third, work to set your child up for sexual success. Teach your child peer refusal skills. Children need to know how to get themselves out of a sticky situation before they are ever in the position to be in that situation. Help them understand the value of their own body and how to respect others. Talk about the importance of purity and give your child skills to stand up for what they believe in even when the world tells them something different. Teach them about the importance of privacy and the importance of having other people respect their privacy. Help your child understand how to deal with interest in the opposite sex. Teach children about the changes that will be happening to their body. 

Fourth, work to open the doors of communication with your child. If parents treat the sex talk as a one-time event, children will not learn to come to parents with further questions. The more open parents are, the more likely children will learn to feel comfortable addressing concerns in the safety of their own home rather than seeking answers online or from peers. 

Are you ready to embrace the talk? I sure hope so. Your child’s development depends upon your willingness to step up to the plate and embrace the awkward. Parenting is a tough job and requires intentionality. Use this as an opportunity to be an intentional parent and instill important, life-long principles in your child. The benefits far outweigh the costs when it comes to teaching your child about sex. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Working Through Disappointment, Discouragement, & Anger

Have you ever experienced disappointment, discouragement or anger over a situation that just didn’t go the way you expected?  Maybe you are going through that right now.  The truth is that everyone goes through these kinds of situations; the problem is that we often don’t realize others are also having difficulties in their lives.  What this often produces is what I call “terminal uniqueness.”  It is the thought process of “I’m the only one, this only happens to me,” or “why me, why now?”  Maybe you have been praying or have asked for prayer but still things don’t go the way you wanted and you’ve asked why?

Sometimes it appears that only good things happen to other people, not you, “terminal uniqueness.”  Good things happen and bad things happen to everyone.  Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  What can make it seem like only good things happen to other people is that most people don’t talk about their failures or disappointments.  It certainly doesn’t make for feel good reading on Facebook, does it?  I mean if you read through many peoples Facebook pages you might start to envy other people’s lives. You may start to think they are the luckiest person.  You may begin to buy into the myth that you are the only unlucky one and everyone else lives a great life and even wonder why others prayers are answered and not yours.  It’s not just through social media; it’s how people can portray their lives to others in any situation, social media or in person.  

Anxiety Today

What is anxiety? Is it a feeling of dread? Is it like a knot in your stomach that won’t go away?  Is it constant worry over things you can’t control, or being overly concerned about one thing or another?  Essentially it is all of these things and it can take hold in our minds and even our bodies and often won’t let go.

Never Say Never…

One of my favorite movies when I was a little kid was An American Tale with Fievel Mousekewitz. One of the songs I remember was “Never say never” sung by the French pigeon to Feivel when he said he would never find his family. All I ever really remember was the line “Never say never whatever you do” and I remember thinking “but he said never!”

Statements using the words never, always, etc. are called absolute statements. These statements take something that might sometimes be true and make it sound like it is always true. One of the common times we use absolute statements is when we are frustrated with someone about something. Do you remember a time when you said in an argument “You always….” or “You never…” or maybe you remember being on the receiving end of an absolute statement. Another time we use absolute statements when we are frustrated with ourselves – usually when we make a mistake or fail in something and we say to ourselves “I always…I can’t….” etc. However, if we stop to really think about it, more often than not, it is not actually an always or never. Even if it is 99% it is still not always or never. These statements can become self-defeating and relationship-defeating. Remember a time when someone said an absolute statement towards you – how did you feel? I know I feel frustrated, sometimes even hurt and angry, sometimes even hopeless and helpless – especially if the statement becomes one I absorb to start thinking about myself. Always and never statements don’t leave a lot of room for hope of improvement. 

There’s another thing we sometimes do that falls in the same line of thinking as absolute statements, but is on a larger scale and usually applied to a group of people. It is what we call generalizing. Sometimes this happens we experience something with one person and then apply it to the whole group we identify that person as belonging to.  Sometimes it happens when we’ve heard other people talk in such a way of assigning certain characteristics to a whole group of people and we absorb it to think that way too. 

The example that first comes to my mind that most of us have probably heard about or experienced in some point of our lives is in regard to different racial groups than our own, or had people make these generalizations about the racial group we are in. By the way, generalizations don’t have to be negative; they can be saying something we think is positive about a whole group too – like everyone in this group is good at math, for example. Everyone is the same type of word as always and never, and more likely than not, it is not true of everyone in the group. I think sometimes we forget or maybe even have never thought about that generalizations and stereotypes happen to more groups than racial groups. I also think we are sometimes guilty of generalizing about racial groups and other groups and we don’t even realize it. If we don’t think or say the word everyone, it is sometimes hard to catch the generalizing mentality. Below are some groups other than racial groups that I’ve heard people make generalizations about: 

Women are _________

Men are ________

People of this sexual orientation are __________

People of this age demographic are _________

People in this other religion than my own are ___________

Another group within one’s own religion – I’ll use my own religion for an example: 

Conservative Christians are _________

Evangelical Christians are ________

Liberal Christians are __________

People in another denomination than my own are __________

Let’s think about if we heard someone say something about the group we’re part of (and I’m sure many of us have at some point). What went through your head? Maybe nothing. Or maybe frustration or hurt, especially if the statement made about the group didn’t fit you as an individual though you identify with that group. 

Just as absolute statements that we make towards ourselves can be self-defeating and absolute statements made in a relationship can be relationship-defeating, generalizations can also be defeating. Not only can they cause hurt when someone from that group hears it, but also they influence how we think and therefore influence how we behave and speak to people of that group.  They can hinder us from learning or receiving from that group. As we speak and think about ourselves, our relationships, and various groups, let us be aware of absolute statements and generalizations. When we catch ourselves using absolute statements and generalizations, let us challenge ourselves by first reminding ourselves that there is rarely an always, never, or everyone-in-this-group; and second by examining the particular situation to find the times that disprove the always, never, or everyone-in-this-group thought. 

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC