How Can I Love When It’s Hard To Do?

During this holiday season we are reminded of the love that came down from heaven and sacrificed everything on earth for us so that we can be forgiven and live forever with God in fullness of joy. After 2000+ years we are still celebrating the birth of the Savior of the world. 

When I think about what Jesus endured and how He was treated by the establishment and yet continued to love, it is incredible to me. And my next thought is often, “well He is God so of course He can do the impossible.” And yet God says that when we receive Jesus into our hearts, we also receive His power through the Holy Spirit to do all the things He calls us to do and that He actually lives in us. According to Scripture, with the Holy Spirit living in us and direct access to the Father through Jesus Christ, we can do the seemingly impossible. In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.” 

Thinking about my life, immediately I go to the things around me that I would like to “move” or change; difficult circumstances that cause stress, uncooperative people in my family, almost everything I hear on the news, and the pains of living in a fallen world. But when I think of what Jesus did, I realize that it’s my heart and mind that need to change. To love sacrificially in our culture is so hard to at times! I would rather gratify my flesh, find fault with others rather than myself, and avoid whatever is uncomfortable at the time.  It is only by God’s power that I can truly do what He calls me to do which is to love Him and to love others as myself, even when it’s hard.  

Love is easy when I’m getting my needs met and when others (especially family members) agree with me. Take those things away and I see the actual limitations within me; negative emotion, stubbornness, judgmentalism and self-centeredness. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit can enable me to see things differently, do what I feel can’t be done or that I feel unwilling to do.  That doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone or liking everything that happens.  But it does mean for me to show up and stand strong in the midst of heartache or discomfort, which I can do with God’s love strengthening and empowering me. I can bear the frustration of outward circumstances, delay my own gratification and accept being out of sync with someone I love, because of the hope and comfort and love of He who is in me. 

During this holiday season we all will likely have moments where we’d rather not deal with an uncomfortable situation. We’d rather check out in one way or another. Spending time with God regularly, in His Word and prayer, will strengthen us to love sacrificially for the glory of our Savior and the betterment of ourselves and others. With His love and power flowing through us we can move the mountain of whatever keeps us from fully loving Him and loving others as ourselves.

Philippians 4:13   I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

1 John 4:4   …He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

Matthew 22:36-40   Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Merry Christmas!

Francine Costanza, LCPC

Attitudes of Gratitude

Believe it or not, but the rush of the holidays is quickly approaching. Holiday decorations are out in full force in local stores. My Instagram feed shows people already setting up their Christmas trees and listening to Christmas music, and the commercials on television boast of the newest gadget that your loved one just has to have. The Christmas season is filled with stress, rushing, and greed—a picture of commercialism at its finest. I wonder if we have forgotten what it means to be thankful. 

The current generation of children and adolescents in the United States have been called the entitlement generation on more than one occasion—the no one tells me “no” and “I deserve this” kids. While I love the Christmas season, entitlement seems to be even more prevalent this time of the year and sometimes makes me want to cringe. I can already hear the “I need this”, “I want that”, “where’s my next present?” and “that’s all I’m getting?” statements. Rather than dreading the increased prevalence of entitlement, my challenge to you (and for myself) is to develop an attitude of gratitude during these upcoming weeks. Would it not be a gift to go into the holiday season knowing that your children are thankful for what they do have rather than focused on what they do not have?  

Gratitude is defined as the state of being thankful, the recognition and appreciation of good things in life. The benefits of living a grateful life are numerous. Studies have proven that gratitude improves life quality and satisfaction. People who are more grateful reported being more satisfied with day-to-day life. Research has also shown there to be a connection between gratitude and a person’s level of happiness. (Check out some of the studies by Robert Emmons or Martin Seligman if you are looking for more technical reading on the connection between gratitude and mental health.) Gratitude and entitlement have an inverse relationship. There is little need for gratitude when a person is solely focused on what they deserve. Entitlement diminishes the need for gratitude. If we live in a world where entitlement seems to be so prevalent, the development of an attitude of gratitude just might be a solution to pursue. 

The state of being thankful can be hard, especially during difficult life circumstances or during this upcoming season where there are increased levels of entitlement. Developing an attitude of gratitude requires conscious awareness of how one thinks. It is easy to get caught in a negative mindset and focus on the things that go wrong during the day or what one does not have, so here are a few simples ideas about ways to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for adults and children alike. Give these suggestions a try for two weeks and see if your life outlook changes. Children whose parents demonstrate an attitude of gratitude are much more likely to have their own attitude of gratitude, so use these next few weeks as a time to develop attitudes of gratitude together. 

• Keep a gratitude journal 

Writing down things for which you are thankful is a tangible reminder of the good in life. Look for the simple things in life that you are thankful for and write them down as a reminder of the positive aspects of your day. 

• Talk about things for which you are thankful daily. 

During family dinner or before bedtime, make it a habit to ask your child (spouse, roommate, etc.) about five positive things that have happened throughout the day or five things he or she is thankful for. In doing so, you are teaching your child to view the world through a lens of positivity. This in turn produces more gratitude. 

• Create a list of blessings. 

Come up with a list of all the things that you have for which you are thankful. Rather than focusing on what you do not have, this list helps you to focus on what blessings you do have. Read over the list daily, and on days when you are not feeling very grateful, this list helps recount the gifts of life. 

• Express it to someone else. 

Take the time to write a note to someone letting him or her know you are thankful for what they do. To write a thank-you note is to express gratitude externally. 

• Engage in prayers of gratitude 

Sometimes prayers can feel like a long shopping list of needs. Take the time to thank God for the blessings you have been given and ask for the grace to see things through a lens of gratitude daily. The good gifts we have been given in this life are from a gracious God who chooses to bless His children. 

Colossians 3:15-17 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” 

I am embracing the challenge. Are you? 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Enjoying the Holidays through Positive Self-Care

The holidays bring with them assorted emotions, kind of like a box of assorted chocolates. You take a bite and it might not taste quite like you expected!  We can get feelings of joy and happy expectancy in the festive atmospheres that abound during November and December. Then an encounter with a relative over event planning or gift giving can change that once happy emotion to one of dread. 

Often the way we respond to a disappointment can make the difference between getting replenished or cycling downward to a negative attitude about holiday activities.  As we all know, there are good and bad ways to respond when conflicts arise. Here are a few self-care responses to try when the going gets tough during “Tis the Season.”

Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

Thoughts on Emotional Intelligence

What exactly is emotional intelligence? According to Andrew Coleman’s Dictionary of Psychology:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior. 

The term was first used by Wayne Payne is his doctoral thesis. It was made popular by Daniel Goleman at the publishing of his book, Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. I don’t know if it matters more than IQ but I can understand Mr. Goleman’s reasoning. Someone can be very “smart” yet if they can’t control their temper it can lead to devastating consequences.  I would say that it is probably equally as important as general intelligence and likely an element of overall human intelligence.

Trust The Therapeutic Process

I get it. It’s difficult when you or someone you love has been in therapy a while and you don’t always see the progress. It’s difficult when someone you love is in therapy and you don’t know what’s happening in it. You don’t know if the person is being honest or telling everything that you think should be told. You don’t know much of anything that’s going on other than what the person is willing to tell you. I want to encourage you to trust the therapeutic process. There are things that we can be tempted to do that actually can get in the way of therapy working for ourselves and those we love. 

Keys to Trusting the Therapeutic Process

1. Let your defenses down. If you are the one in therapy, more will be accomplished if you can let your masks and walls down. If someone you love is in therapy, stop worrying about what they are saying about you and instead trust they are working things out. Also, make yourself open to hearing (if/when they are ready) what they want to tell you without getting defensive. 
2. Stop asking what they’re talking about in therapy. It creates pressure and could create guilt. It takes away from the safe place that therapy is supposed to be. They will tell you if/when they are ready and want to tell you and until then it is best that you honor that we each have the right to figure things out and share about that in our own time. If you are going to ask, just ask once and make it known that you just want them to know you’re available to talk if they want and they don’t have to share anything they’re not ready to or don’t want to. 
3. Along the same lines, stop asking their therapist what is talked about in session. If it’s something you need to know, the therapist will tell you (if the person is under twelve) or will get permission to tell you. Same reasons as in #2. Confidentiality is a positive factor in therapy. Don’t jeopardize that. 
4. Realize change takes time. It is frustrating when you are in therapy and those around you are always pointing out the things they see that they think haven’t changed (and it’s discouraging when we do it to ourselves). Instead make an effort to see the changes, even the smallest changes. Remember that change takes time, and even after change happens we still won’t do it perfectly all the time. 
5. Don’t try to do the therapist’s job. Whether you are trying to be a therapist to the person you love or you are trying to tell their therapist what to do in sessions with the person you love, stop it. You are not the therapist. It not only can get in the way of the therapeutic process, but is also harmful for your relationship. Your relationship with the person is supposed to be based on mutuality. Acting like the therapist or trying to control what happens in their therapy feels to the other person like you are putting yourself above them. Instead come alongside them, share your perspective with the therapist when it is appropriate to do so (when either the person invites you to share, gives permission for the therapist to ask your perspective, or when you are included as part of the session). 

There is an element of mystery to why therapy works. This is partly because each person is a unique individual. Part of it is each person needs to come to their own “aha moment”. Part of it is the amount of work each person is willing to put into healing, growth and change. However, there are several things that research has shown are factors that make therapy work. It provides someone trained to help you tell your story in a way that integrates both the factual and emotional aspects. Another is if you and your therapist are able to form a trusting, safe connection – we call this the therapeutic relationship. Having a safe place where you can let your masks come off and your walls come down is beneficial. Having someone who can help you gain insight by helping you identify positive and negative thought patterns, core beliefs, healthy and unhealthy coping skills, unresolved wounds and unmet needs – and then helps you solidify the positive/healthy and learn new patterns, beliefs and coping skills in place of unhealthy ones and heal unresolved wounds. So, let’s do our part and trust the therapeutic process for the rest whether that’s for ourselves or for those we love.  

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

Letting Go

People struggle everyday with letting go.  Sometimes we dwell about the past, thinking of old regrets and things we would do differently or maybe not at all.  We carry these thoughts with us and let them burden us, afraid to let them go, and unable to see beyond all these things we are carrying. When we get to the day that we don’t want to keep these burdens anymore, we can stop and realize that we have options.  We can stay where we are and hold all of our fears, woes and bad memories, or we can drop them off, give them to God and continue on the path.  The more we release these burdensome thoughts, the freer we feel, able to embark on whatever we want.  We will feel like a truer version of ourselves, able to live in the moment and look forward, enjoying the present.  What we realize is that it’s not about the baggage we’ve accumulated that makes us who we are, but what we learn from our experiences and apply to our lives, developing the person we are capable of being.  Our experiences don’t define us; they are part of our journey of growth. We don’t need to let the unpleasant ones weigh us down. We can release them, trusting in God for what we may not yet understand or like, and being thankful for the life we have now.

Persevering Through Stressful Times

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

Pure joy? Really? You've got to be kidding!

When we have difficulties mounting around us, the idea of "considering it pure joy" can be incomprehensible to our human minds. Whether it's the stress at a job , a sick child, an aging parent, or a relationship conflict, too much stress can be immobilizing. Suddenly just getting dressed can be a challenge. Simple things like taking a shower, making meals or even getting out of bed can feel like hard labor. So how can James, the brother of Jesus, say to have joy during such times?