After School Conversation Starters

“Hey sweetie! How was school today?” 

“Good”….Silence. 

Sound familiar? Mid-August means that kids are returning to school once again, and the typical questions like, “How was your day at school?” are becoming a normal part of daily conversation. When asked that type of question, most kids respond with a one-word answer like “good” or “fine”. Did you have a good day today? “Yes/no.” Conversation over. You have reached a dead end. If you want to know about your child’s day, short answers like these can be quite frustrating. They provide little insight into how the day actually was for your child. They do not really allow for any shared understanding of what your child’s experience at school was like. 

Asking how was your day is not a bad question, but for some kids, this question is too vague. It is a question that allows for a simple and somewhat mechanical answer similar to when we ask someone about how they are doing. Some kids need prompts to engage in discussion. Other kids need to be given the space to talk. So instead of asking the typical how was your day question? What if you changed the wording? The goal is for you as a parent to gain a little bit of insight into your child’s world. Your child wants you to know about his or her day, but they need to be asked the right questions to open up. With the questions and prompts below, you are still essentially asking your child about the day, but you are providing a way into a deeper conversation. These questions open up the door for a child to talk about his or her day from a different angle. 

Give these prompts a try and see what happens! 

• Tell me about the coolest thing that you learned today. 
• What was the best part of your day today? 
• What was the most frustrating part of your day? 
• Who did you sit by during lunch? 
• What did you play at recess today? Did any of your friends play the same thing? 
• What was the funniest thing that happened at school? 
• What are you learning about in ________________ class? 
• What was the most boring part of your day? 
• What made you most excited at school? 
• What did your teacher spend the most time talking about today? 
• What made you feel proud during your day? 
• Tell me about something positive that happened today. 
• Tell me about something negative that happened today. 
• What kinds of things did you and your friends talk about or do today? 
• What made today different from yesterday? 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

When You Want to Fight, Go and Write!

Writing can be a great therapeutic tool, especially when things are confusing and/or overwhelming.  I have found that many different forms of writing can be helpful; journaling my thoughts and feelings, writing my prayers to God, writing a letter to a longtime friend, or writing a letter I’ll never send.  One other writing form that may be long forgotten from elementary school is poetry.  

Remember learning how to write a limerick or Haiku?  Maybe yes, maybe no, but putting words to rhyme and rhythm can be fun, creative and take one’s mind off of the seemingly hopeless problem in front of you.  Here is a sample poem to show that it doesn’t have to be as clever as that of Dr. Seuss or as moving as an Edgar Allen Poe.  It’s for your own enjoyment, catharsis and inspiration.  And you never know, a poem you write could bring hope to someone else if you share it with them.  Or it can just be kept for a rainy day to lift your own spirits and chase the blues away!

Finding Hope

When life is hard as it often might be

Take a break with the Lord instead of TV

Pour your heart out to Him

Read His Word to find hope

And pray that He’ll give you the power to cope.   

After taking some time to be quiet before Him

Rise up where you are 

Trust The Bright Morning Star

He will lead and will guide as you go through the day

You’ll have faith to believe that you’ll be okay.    

For time has a way of changing what is

Holding on is the key, if you wait you will see.

For our God is above and around us each day

Bringing light in the darkness

And making a way

To weather the storms of this life as it is

Knowing what is to come is much better than this!

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC                                                                                                                                                 

Challenging The Negative Within

Everyone has experiences good and bad.  Everyone has trials and difficulties.  For some, these experiences, trials and difficulties shape them negatively.  Does this sound familiar?  Are you consistently down about the the negativity in your past that your experience of the present is tainted?  Or do you have anxiety about the future, making it difficult to stay in the present?

We do not have to be defined by our past mistakes but the negative voice within tends to make a compelling argument.  That argument our negative voice provides however, does not ever give a full picture of ourself.  In fact, it often times, taints and twists the truth.  It judges much more harshly than we would judge anyone else.  

The negative voice doesn’t just point back to mistakes in our past, it also makes us look ahead to future events and proceeds to tell us we will find a way to fail.  It tells us we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough, etc.  Simply asking the question, “I am anxious about this because I fear I am ___(worthless, a failure, weak, etc.)__,” helps to get a better sense of the negative belief we are holding onto.  

Once you identify the negative (and more often than not, untrue) belief, you can then challenge it.  “I am not worthless… here are some reasons why.”  Many times our negative thoughts go unchallenged.  They pass through our mind and are quickly accepted as truth because that is what we have told ourselves for many years (or perhaps it was told to you by someone else.)

Identify the negative thought, challenge it, and minimize the negatively within!

By: Nicholas Smith, LCPC

The Most Effective Ways to Influence

Do you ever find yourself feeling unheard? Have you ever thought you provided great advice only for it to fall on seemingly deaf ears? Oftentimes the problem is due to a lack of influence on your part.  There are always going to be people in your life that will not be influenced by you no matter how impressive your advice is. In these cases, it’s best just to accept that that is the way THEY are.  For everybody else, there is still a significant challenge to be consistently heard when you share concerns or advice.  However, with this group of people, there are sound strategies that will help increase your ability to influence them when needed. Here are some components to think about when developing your strategies to be more influential. 

There are a few reasons people don’t hear or follow through on great advice. Perhaps the bigger ones have something to do with trust and/or safety.  A not-to-influenceable  person might simply have good boundaries and because of some already completed thought-work have made up his or her mind. Others might not trust you or believe you are a safe person to listen to.  This might not be due to what you have done but more because of that person’s past.  Because of certain experiences from our past we either raise a shield to keep people out or we are open to a variety of feedback from others. The higher a person’s defenses the less likely they will allow outside feedback. 

It is always a good idea to evaluate how defensive someone is. If a person seems defensive and you come along and accuse them of being defensive, the end result is probably going to be defensiveness about being defensive. The harder you push, the higher the walls. Save your energy. Find ways to ease the perceived threat. Escalating verbal arguments are not only going to be counterproductive but damaging to whatever trust/safety factor there was. When I sense someone is being defensive, I will in fact check with them by stating something like, ‘you seem a bit defensive with what I am saying, is that true?’  If they deny being defensive, it might be true. Be prepared to accept that your initial evaluation was off. If you are still convinced of this person’s defensiveness, it’s time for a different strategy. 

Don’t rush. Building trust and safety takes time. You can make progress in one conversation simply by showing respect and patience for a person. I encourage you to see building trust and safety as more of a long-term process however. Think of it like applying paint.  The thicker you apply it, the more likely the finish will be bad.  Spreading in thinner coats takes time. The first coat will look unfinished (because it is unfinished). Sometimes there is a need for primer with sanding and prep work before you get to the first or next coat.  Each patient application improves the finish but you might need several coats. My dad used to paint cars in his business and I remember some paints required more than eight separate coats of paint with fine sanding between them. Every time you provide an interaction that is safe and trustworthy, it is a coat of paint. Layer on many more until you have a solid (and shiny) covering of trust and safety. 

Trustworthiness requires consistency.  If you are patient, truthful and respectful 70 times in a row and then have one angry outburst or one critical and sarcastic moment, your trust will take a hit.  Here are some traits that will sabotage your trust and safety work: abrasiveness, dishonesty, shaming, accusing, rejecting, gossip or a loose tongue, excessive volume (they might think you are shouting even if you don’t think you are), etc.  I am sure you could add a few more traits to this list. As you evaluate someone you are trying to influence for defensiveness you will notice some of your own traits that promote defensiveness. Be willing to learn from these personal self-observations. It will help you develop influence with more and more people. 

On the flip side there are also certain traits that promote hearing. Here is a starter list for you to consider: caring, thoughtful, make people laugh, knowledgeable, strong and integral faith, empathy, gentle, passionate, consistent and present. These traits expressed consistently over months and years will undoubtedly grow your influence over that same span of time. Openness to your thoughts and expressions might not be possible with a particular person after a week or a month or even this year but again, consistently being safe and trustworthy raises your chances while lowering any person’s defenses at the same time (with time of course). 

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

The Destructive Force of Envy

Envy is one of those 'little' sins that most of us don't worry about too much. Really now, it can't be that big of a deal can it? It certainly doesn't hurt my neighbor if I secretly despise him because he has a better lawn or house or gadgets does it? For sure it doesn't hurt Hillary or Donald if I am disgruntled because they are both uber rich. Perhaps not but let me suggest other ways envy hurts--in fact destroys.  

Envy strikes at the heart of your ability to be happy. Ask yourself how many times a week do you find yourself dissatisfied because something in your life--your clothes, health, financial presentation, number of vacations you get, where you can or cannot go on vacation, your spouse, your kids’ academic, athletic or musical performance, or fill in the blank is not up to the expectations you have set in your heart.  

Envy is a feeling of discontent with regard to another person’s success, advantages, or possessions. More often than we care to admit, the standard of our unmet expectations comes from what another person has. Think about this: when you look at someone else who appears to have better and believe you should be the same, you give up autonomy. No longer are you in control of whether you can be happy because it depends completely on another person's status--a status that you do not control.  

Try something different from envy. Look across to your neighbor or the source of your envy and practice being happy for them. The Apostle Paul wrote way back in the first century, "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn". While it may feel a bit like 'fake it til you make it', you will make it and the burden of your own envy will begin to dissipate.  

At first the instinctive force of envy will resist the attempts to be happy for someone else's status like storm waves pounding on the rocks. Envy is a force to be reckoned with in every person’s life. Hear yourself flat out refuse to be happy for another person's status. Listen to your thoughts as they try to justify envy with social justice arguments. In this case, envy is the devil and if you could hear me like one of those old time preacher’s passionate plea, "resist the devil! And he will flee from you!!" 

Envy is a model for not only your children to follow but the rest of the kids in the neighborhood as well. We teach children to compare their status only with those with perceived better statuses and we essentially teach our children to be unhappy. See how this could be destructive to them as they grow older?  

Envy leads us to feel like we have experienced a loss even though we can't lose what we never had. Perhaps you have a real loss and your envy is in part rooted in that loss. Children don't understand this and will learn to be unhappy via the early learned practice of envy.  Might I suggest to you grieve your losses well but avoid the practice of envy as a grieving instrument. Envy might in fact delay your recovery from any painful loss.  

Envy leads us to be vulnerable to shady ad campaigns and political agendas. More so than at any other time in my lifetime, politicians have pitted people groups against each other for votes. It also seems like destructive anger is escalating. Envy might lead to social change but certainly not for the better. Again envy takes away your autonomy and gives it to the politician who more than likely will get richer and more powerful off a generation's envy AND at the expense of their general contentment. Can you see how each of us are vulnerable to be manipulated via drummed up envy? 

When I was a kid, my parents heated our house with oil. I remember a huge underground tank that had to be refilled every so often to keep the heat on. There were a few times my parents scrambled to buy fuel for heat due to hard times. It was a costly fuel that needed replenishment. Envy is an unlimited fuel to your daily frustration or even anger and it powerfully burns away our ability to be content.  

Fact is, challenging yourself to be content and redirecting the continuous flow of envious thoughts to a higher ground will not only lead to a better quality of life for you but the kids in the neighborhood and ultimately the world around us.  

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

The Complexity of Emotion

People are complex. Life is complex. Things are not always clear-cut. That’s true for emotions, too. They can be very complex. Sometimes it’s clear what we are feeling. Something goes right and we feel happy. Something goes wrong and we feel frustrated. But sometimes it’s not so clear what we’re feeling. Either the emotions are mixed-up so we can’t tell what we’re feeling right away, or we’re feeling more than one emotion at once – sometimes even conflicting emotions. 

This is because often times a happy event (let’s say a wedding for example) also brings with it emotions of stress and sometimes even a sense of loss – you’re happy you’re getting married and wouldn’t change it for the world, but you’re stressed about planning it and everything that entails, and there may also be a sense of loss about leaving the stage of life you’ve been in or the level of independence you had as you move into more interdependence. The opposite can happen, too, where something that is overall a sad event also has elements of relief or even happiness. Sometimes emotions are layered – we might notice a protective emotion first (like anger), but underneath that anger is a more vulnerable emotion (like fear or sadness). 

Let’s give space to ourselves and others to feel emotions – all of them, even when there are multiple emotions, and even when there are conflicting emotions. Remember not to let the emotion control your behavior. Instead, take time to recognize what you’re thinking (in general or about situations leading up to the emotion) and figure out what you need. Be aware when interacting with others that a situation that may seem positive to you, may be negative or mixed for someone else. Instead of immediately stating what you would perceive the situation to be, take time to reflect what you see the other person experiencing; therefore validating their emotional experience. For example, “You look torn about this”. If you aren’t sure what they’re experiencing, ask. For example, “I can’t tell how you’re feeling about this…what are you experiencing?” By putting these things into practice, the complexity of emotion can become less daunting. Our emotions will also better be able to serve their purpose of helping us experience life, connecting to ourselves and others, providing us with information, and giving us energy to appropriate action rather than reacting.

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

Everyday 12 Steps, Part One

The 12-steps were designed originally for men struggling with an addiction to alcohol. Over the years these steps have been applied to many other addictions and struggles and can be used by anyone. Many people who work the steps say that steps one through three are steps that should be done on a daily basis. In the 12 steps for Christians, step one states:

We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God-that our lives had become unmanageable

We come into this world with the seed of sin already in us due to the fall. It does not take long to look into this world or at the news and see the sinful nature of humans. This can be extremely defeating to look at. We have immense amounts of hope, however, because we know that God has an amazing plan for us and He will win in the end.

Romans 7:18 is a verse paired with this step that states: “I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

On a daily basis, we can admit that our lives are unmanageable and we cannot carry out the good we would like to without the help of God. This may sound very disempowering and feel as though we are failing. However, God is great! When we admit this powerlessness we are made strong in Him. This power is greater than any human strength we can muster.

God can and will carry out His good works through you and will give you the strength to face any challenge that you face today.

By: Sam Hicks, LPC