Cell Phone Jail

I recently missed a phone call from my brother. His voicemail said something along the lines of “I sure hope I’m not locked in cell phone jail right now. Call me back.” The “cell phone jail” he was lovingly referring to was my Be Present Box.

You might be wondering why in the world I would have a little box like this in my home, so allow me to explain. After realizing how much time was wasted on our phones and how much time my husband and I spent near each other without ever really connecting, I wanted to create a visual reminder that would help us be more intentional with our time. This little box sits on a shelf in the corner of our kitchen near our table – a place where we spend a decent amount of our time together. Its words prompt us to think twice about what we are doing with our time, and its presence is a visual reminder that there is more to life than technology and the latest things happening on Facebook or Instagram. 

Are we being present with each other or are we off in some other world missing out on true connection? 

It is far to easy to mindlessly scroll through my phone, but at what cost? I am missing out on opportunities for conversation or the small details of non verbal communication like the mischievous grins or looks of concern that tell me he has had a difficult day. I am missing out on true connection and trading it for a sense of connection that will leave me empty handed at the end of the day. My phone is a distraction, and if I am not careful, it will lead to a disconnection. 

Although I do not have any kids in school, the start of the school season always brings about a sort of getting back into a routine. One routine I want to work hard at getting into my life is using our “Be Present” box. Summer threw our schedule off, and my husband and I have gotten out of the habit of keeping our phones in this box when we are home together. This summer that little box became a catch all spot for the things my husband needed to take with him to work, but as I have been thinking about what routines I want back in my life, I have realized that little box did more for me than I thought. The “Be Present” box helped me to break some of the chains the technology tried to bind me with. 

I’m vowing to get back into the habit of putting my phone in its proper place and spending quality time intentionally connecting with the ones I love. Will you join me? 

If you’d like to read more on technology and families, check out these previous blog posts that I have written on the topic here or here. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Marriage Meditation

If you are married, there is a 100% percent chance that your spouse will hurt you. They might not do it intentionally and the wound might not be severe. But it will happen. How do you respond to your spouses hurtful actions? Do you store them in your mind for use as a weapon in future conversations? Do you demand penance and groveling to make up for the behavior? Do you threaten? Coerce? I hope this short article serves as a quick reflection on your actions in your relationships (because this same principle applies to all relationships really).  This article as also written for those who aren’t in situations of major abuse.

There are many different ways to respond to hurts. But depending on how we respond, we can either make things worse or begin the process of healing. It is our responsibility as the offended party to make the next move. Sometimes, this next move is a difficult one to make. Other times, it is made quickly and without much thought. This of course varies on the offense. How do we know know the next best move to make? 

Taking the next step is best done after thinking about how God responds to our downfalls, negative tendencies, shortcomings, failures and struggles? Does he hang them over our head and remind us of them regularly? Does he quickly administer punishment?  A verse about God’s character being slow to anger comes to mind. In difficulties with our spouse, it's easy to lose perspective because marriages are so central to our self worth and security. And in those moments we need to remind ourselves, that Christ is our security, not our spouse. 

How do you respond to these difficulties within your own marriage?  I hope this quick read is helpful in realigning your typical responses to your spouse.  I hope you reflect on the way God responds to us and ask Him to show you the ways in which you can improve communications with you spouse. 

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LCPC

Dear Parent, Please Be In the Know

Dear Parent, 

I caved in last Thursday. Not because I wanted to but because I felt I needed to. I watched the first episode of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. I felt like it was my duty as a mental health professional to start watching the show so that I would be equipped to engage in the difficult conversations. 

I work with quite a few adolescents in my counseling office, and when I started to realize that a significant number of them were coming in talking about this 13 Reasons Why show, I experienced the urge to know exactly what they were talking about. As a professional counselor, mental health conversations fill my days. Unfortunately, suicidal ideation is something that also comes up in my office. Therefore, a show that claims to portray what it is like to be a teenager and claims to address the topic of suicide was something I needed to know about, so last Thursday, my husband and I sat down and watched the first episode. 

Now you might wonder how I can write a blog post after watching only one episode, but I have done my fair amount of researching and article reading from people who have watched the entire show. The consensus among experts in the mental health field seems to be a sense of concern. The first episode alone raised so many concerns for me that I question whether I want to fill my mind with the rest of the show. There’s the whole topic of suicide, yes, but there’s a host of other concerns that were brought up in a short fifty-two minutes. Underage drinking, inappropriate language usage, insinuated sex, gossip, bullying, and the list continues. 

The show is rated TV-MA (which means designed for adults with content that may be inappropriate for children under the age of 17) but pushed the boundaries of that since it’s a Netflix original. The creators of 13 Reasons Why have indicated that they wanted to create a show that depicted the reality facing teenagers today. I believe they set out with good intentions of trying to create conversations about what it is like to be a teenager, but unfortunately, these intentions fall short. While I do not think the creators and producers of this show intentionally wanted to glamourize suicide, unfortunately, this is what seems to be happening. 

Regardless of those concerns that I have about this show, there is something I feel even more obligated to share. Parent, you need to know about this show and you need to talk about this show with your teen. 13 Reasons Why is incredibly trendy right now, but it is also graphic and dark. I can almost guarantee your teen has heard talk about it, and if your teen is hearing about it or watching it, then you need to be in the know. I am begging you, parent, please do your job. You have been entrusted with your children, and one of your many jobs as a parent is that of a guide. You are crucial in shepherding their hearts and navigating them through the difficult waters of adolescence. You are a valuable asset in helping your teen blossom and thrive. 

Teenagers want to fit in; your teen might feel the need to watch this show simply so he or she can engage in conversation with friends (because that is what teenagers do), but this is a show that carries risk with it. Suicide is a serious topic. Far too many teenagers watch Netflix alone in their rooms, but 13 Reasons Why is not a show teenagers should be watching in isolation. Watch the show with your teenager, if you even allow them to watch it at all. Be informed so that you are well prepared to engage in dialogue, and please do not shy away from talking with him or her about what they are watching. Be intentional in your parenting because your teenager needs you. 

One of the developmental tasks of adolescence is individuation from a parent. Teenagers are clarifying and developing their own set of values and creating their own sense of identity (all good things), but their brains are still developing which means critical thinking can be difficult and their identity can be largely informed by the culture surrounding the teen (which becomes a concern in situations such as this). I know parenting is not easy. You job is difficult because your teen can be difficult, but it remains your job, nonetheless, to approach difficult conversations and to help your child analyze and clarify their view. 

Suicide is not and never will be glamorous. It is and always will be a tragedy, which is something I think this show fails to convey. While I appreciate that 13 Reasons Why is creating some conversation around the subject, I am concerned that the conversation is one sided. This is not the only way to address suicide.  13 Reasons Why makes it seem like suicide is the answer to all of Hannah’s problems, and I fear that teenagers who watch it will be susceptible to believing that suicide or self harm might be the answer to all of their problems too. There are other ways to deal with the curveballs this life throws, and the show fails to provide any alternatives. Suicide is not about getting revenge, as Hannah seems to think it is, and it is not the solution to problems of bullying, rape, or gossip. Everything I have read about this show seems to say that the show conveys the opposite. Suicide is almost always connected to significant mental health concerns, and again, from what I can tell, this show fails to connect the two. There are almost always warning signs that accompany suicide, but Hannah’s suicide seems to come out of the blue. Your teenager needs to know these things. 

Life is valuable. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. We have been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). We are fearfully and wonderfully made – known by the Creator of the universe (Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Corinthians 8:3). Yes, we live in a broken world filled with evil (which this show conveys quite well), but the evil that surrounds us does not negate the value of life. As Christians, we place our hope in the reality that darkness does not win (John 1:5). Scripture is clear that Jesus’ resurrection from the grave conquers death, but right now, we still live in the world that is affected by brokenness, pain, sorrow, and death. Shows like this make me long even more for the day that has been promised when every tear will be wiped away and death will be no more (Revelation 21:4, Isaiah 25:8). 

Would I recommend that your teenager watch this show? Probably not, and if your teenager has struggled in the past or is currently struggling with depression, self-harm, or suicidal ideation, I highly recommend avoiding this show as it has seemed to be an unintentional trigger for some teens who have previously dealt with those things. If your child chooses to watch this show, it should not be done alone and without a discussion. I recognize that a lot of teenagers are already watching it and talking about what they are seeing, so I want to encourage you: Parent, be in the know and talk with your teenager. Engage in the difficult conversations, and get your teen to think critically about what they are watching. Point them to Christ and the hope He offers and make sure that they know they are valuable to you. 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 (emphasis mine) 

Wondering how to engage in a dialogue (not a lecture) with your teen? I particularly liked the questions this article provides for starting that discussion, and if you want to read more articles on this show regarding concerns from mental health professionals, these articles were ones I found to be helpful.  “A Counselor’s Response to 13 Reasons Why” “There Are More Than 13 Reasons Why Your Life Matters” and “13 Reasons Why and It’s Unintended Consequences”

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression or suicidal ideation, please reach out to get help. The journey of depression is not one that needs to be walked alone, and Heritage Counseling Center is here to walk with you. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

The Truth Hurts

The truth hurts but partial truths can sometimes hurt more in the long run.  The purpose of this article is to get you thinking about the way you have a conversation and/or argument with your spouse.  Does the way you word your feelings accurately reflect your true feelings on a situation?  Many times in marriages, for example, one spouse might decline to share their true feelings on a given subject because they are either afraid of hurting their spouse or are fearful that what they have to say might cause an argument.  The odd thing about not sharing our feelings in order to avoid hurt or arguments, is that the avoidance of such will 99 percent of the time lead to a bigger hurt or argument down the road.  Being honest in the moment will save time in the long run.

Accuracy is key though.  You can tell your husband that he's a dummy and though you might think that, it's not quite accurate to the feelings you are experiencing.  What does he do that makes you think he's a dummy?  How does what he do make you feel?  Name the emotion.  Google "list of emotions" to act as a guide for accuracy.  Instead of telling him that he's a dummy, share how what he did made you feel.  This allows us to avoid unnecessary arguments because instead of addressing what he did and how you feel, your argument will be about him being called a dummy.  You don't want to have that conversation, it's not going to get you where you want.  Address the emotions.  He will most likely be more responsive to you sharing that you felt alone or scared etc.  

The second thing that happens here is modeling.  You sharing your specific emotions and avoiding name calling, will model how a productive conversation can take place.  It will be an example of how to go about getting things off your chest in a healthy manner.  This will take time and I don't want to make it sound as simple as this is the one thing that will make everything better, but it can be added to your tool box as one of the many changes you are making. Keep checking out our blog for more great examples.  Seeking out a counselor can often times expedite the process.

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LCPC

Negative Thoughts

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment”-- Marcus Aurelius, a Roman Emperor

Life is made up of innumerable events and experiences. God willing, those experiences are going to be predominantly bright, sunny, and full of love and joy. However, it is inevitable that life is going to throw some very rough things at you. Living our lives entails some very painful bits: death, disease, addiction, violence, and much more. No matter what badness occurs, something to keep in mind is that it is not what happens to us that elicits the suffering we are enduring; it is our reaction to that event. No other creature has the capability of consciously choosing how to react to such situations.

This is not to say that we as humans should choose to not experience the sorrow, distress or anguish that befalls us. Experience it and explore it, but do not let it consume you. Overwhelming yourself with feelings of sadness, depression, anger, or pain will not do anything positive for you in the long term. If you have lost a job, feel that loss and be unhappy, but accept it and make the choice to change your perception. Where might you go from here? What skills has the job provided for you that will help you in the future? Focusing on the positive may not be easier, but it will certainly be more beneficial. Have you lost your child? This is undoubtedly a horrifying event that could absolutely devour one’s life, if one will not allow for a different estimation of the pain. Think of your child not as lost, but as returned. Your child has returned Home to God where upon your death, you shall also return and be together again.

Jesus was not exactly thrilled when He acknowledged the horrid pain that was going to come upon his death. He was aware that His death would be cruel, and humiliating, yet he continued onward. Though He realized the agony that awaited him, he chose to respond in a brave manner rather than reject the impending end. Jesus says in John 10:11 “I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

 

Negative thoughts and emotions are part of life, let us follow in Jesus' example, by choosing to navigate those waters with courage and take back some of the painful power negative thoughts and emotions have over us.

 

Some simple techniques that can get you started can be found on the link below.

By: Jeannette Sziler, LCPC

 

http://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/major-depression-living-well/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques/

Acceptance

The word accept is an interesting one. There is a lot of emotions that can be packed inside the meaning of that word. In fact, the word acceptance can be used to describe a particular emotional state. It's not a word found in the context of simple or easy tasks either. Being accepted into college is a time of joy and excitement but it was preceded by working hard in high school. Furthermore, accepting the facts of a difficult reality that we might find ourselves facing, is not an easy task. The loss of a loved one, experiencing a trauma, losing a job, going through a divorce, or realizing that your life is not going in the trajectory in which you hoped all require a high dose of acceptance. It rarely comes easily and for some, it doesn't ever come. 

For some, when faced with difficulty, they react in ways that hinder progress. For the purpose of this article I want to focus on one of the ways we hinder our own progress, and it starts long before we ever face difficulty of any kind. We don't build into our life, the idea of having to deal with something hard. We imagine, we get a job, a spouse, a child etc. but we don't ever think about the possibility that maybe life won't go that way. The image of having these things (certain job, certain salary, a spouse, etc.) becomes a certainty. But we need to learn to factor in other certainties. Such as, difficulty. Life will certainly be difficult at times. One great way to overcome difficulty and loss in the future is to realize now, that you will in the future. You can make room for these challenges and also create an image in your mind in which you will still be ok.

Accepting a difficulty begins long before difficulty strikes. Acknowledging that life is full of difficulty and having a plan to work through it gives us the opportunity to deal with it more effectively when it does strike. Experiencing difficulty doesn't mean that our life is bad or terrible unless you assign it that meaning. To explore the meaning a difficulty has in your life, try turning phrasing it in the form of an "I statement." For instance you might do something like this, "Because of this difficulty I am experiencing, I am ____________." Whatever word you put in the blank, study it. Test it to see if it is true. Ask your family and friend if that word you put in there is accurate.

Acceptance is hard. I don't want to give the impression that this article is the one way to work through a difficult time. In fact, there are many components to acceptance but I find this to be a helpful one.  

By: Nicholas Smith, LCPC

Thoughts and Happiness

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” Marcus Aurelius

This quote sounds wonderful when you read it. Simple in fact. I can just change my thoughts and everything will be better. However, when putting this into practice, it is actually not simple at all. We actually are not in control of our thoughts at all. Thoughts pop up in our head all of the time. The pleasant ones we want to keep; daydreaming about an upcoming vacation or about a past happy moment. Those thoughts we have no problem with. It is the unpleasant ones; the list of things to finish without enough time in the day or the argument you just had with a loved one. So it is not the thought we control, but the thinking we do about that thought that we have control over. 

It is very easy to get stuck on a thought and ruminate on all the outcomes of what can happen or what should have happened differently. This process ends up creating and perpetuating anxiety and depression. We are very quick to worry about what might happen or what happened in the past that we forget who is ultimately in control of these plans. There is a greater plan created by our heavenly Father for everything we have been through and everything we are going to go through. We can take comfort in Romans 8:28 which states; “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose”

So in those moments of turning unpleasant thoughts into thinking, remember the Father who has gone before you and will work all things together for good. Then take that thoughts, place is on a leave or a cloud and watch it float away. Do not let it rob anymore of your time in this moment.

So maybe if Marcus Aurelius had said, “The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thinking” it would be easier to accept the quote. For now I will allow my thoughts to pop up and then let them go, trusting in my heavenly Father’s plan for my life.

By: Sam Hicks, LCPC