The Problem With Pragmatism

We are all philosophers.  At least, we all have some philosophy that informs the way we live.  Most of us go throughout life without examining the principles that guide our thinking and how those thoughts are often shaped by the society in which we live.  Adrienne Kather is the author of this week's blog article and she invites us to challenge our philosophy by first helping us understand where to start.  Here is what she has to say:

I don’t know about you, but I had never really given much thought to the philosophy of pragmatism or how it effects the way we (especially we Americans) think. In fact, if someone would have asked me about pragmatism I probably wouldn’t even had known it was a philosophy. The only thing I would have known is that I associated being pragmatic with being practical. Over the last year I’ve learned quite a bit about pragmatism and how it effects the way we think. Although I am not a philosopher by any means, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned and its application to topics that come up in counseling sessions.

According to Stephen Hicks, PhD., pragmatism is America’s contribution to philosophy, whereas idealism and realism come from European philosophers. There are three main aspects to the philosophy of pragmatism. I’m going to only tell the very basics here, if you’d like to hear more detail you can watch the videos by Stephen Hicks, PhD. referenced at the end of this article. First, pragmatists believe that the world and everything in the world is continually changing. Second, pragmatists are skeptical about obtaining absolute knowledge. This makes sense since they believe that everything is constantly changing, because of this experience is most important in obtaining information. Third, compared to the other main philosophies, pragmatism is more concerned with and democratic in determining societal values. 

If everything is changing and absolute knowledge cannot be obtained, the question is then “what is truth?” Well, in a system where absolute knowledge cannot be obtained and experience is paramount in knowing, truth has to be functional.  Therefore, truth has to be what works. Then the question is “what works?”  What works is what achieves/satisfies our desires. Yet, our desires are subjective – they are both subject to change and subjective in individual experience. Therefore, truth is subjective. The problem with this is what does one say then about those in society who are clearly hurting others and hurting society. The 2nd generation of pragmatists answered that question by adding the word society to the formula – what works for society and what satisfies societal desires. Then one can say that something that what our society has decided is harmful to others is unacceptable; however, one still cannot determine what is acceptable in other societies. This is where pragmatism is more social – society determines through debate and discussion what the values will be for their society. 

Out of the three basic tenants, the three aspects that surface as the most important influencers of how we think are emphasis on what works, emphasis on experience, emphasis on truth being subjective. Now, there are times when placing an emphasis on what works is important and necessary. There are times when relying on or at least considering experience is important. There are even times when applicable truth on a matter is subjective. The problem is that we often (probably usually) emphasize these elements when there are other, and sometimes more significant, questions that need to be asked to determine how we will think and act. 

Because essentially any topic effecting one’s life can be a topic in counseling, the topics brought to counseling where the influence of pragmatism is evident are innumerable. So, I will just highlight a few that stand out to me. 

The first is when a person in counseling thinks that the counseling isn’t working because they aren’t feeling better or the problem isn’t instantaneously solved. Pragmatic influence has caused us to believe that something is only working if it works right away, and because what works is based on our desires (and we desire the problem to be solved right away), we think it isn’t working because it isn’t solved quickly. The problem is that rarely are topics in counseling resolved in entirety quickly. Counseling is more like changing your diet or working out – results usually happen (and are longer lasting) when they happen slowly over time. Of course, even in a change of diet or working out we still desire to see quick results. The other factor to take into consideration is that when you are working on an issue that requires healing (rather than only learning management techniques), sometimes you might even feel worse before you start to feel better…which wouldn’t fit into pragmatic thinking at all!

The second is the idea that if someone has not experienced the exact problem you are experiencing, they cannot understand or help you. Therefore, if the counselor has not had your experience, the counselor cannot understand or help you. If the counselor is not married, how could he or she help a married couple? If the counselor is not a parent, how can the counselor help with parenting? If the counselor doesn’t have a history of addiction, how can he or she help those with addiction? And the list goes on and on. The emphasis on experience in this example needs to be called into question. Despite what the pragmatic influence has engrained in us to believe, experience is not the only way to knowledge. In fact, sometimes experience is deceiving and not the best way to accurate knowledge at all. Let’s just look at one of these examples a little deeper. Let’s look at a counselor who is not a parent. When looking at the experience it is clear that there are some things that counselor wouldn’t know in an experiential way, such as what it’s like to wake up to a crying baby. However, they do have training in emotional and psychological development and many other things related to parenting that will help the parent raise a child to an adult who is a healthy, responsible, contributing member of society.

Along the same lines as the last idea is when we won’t receive knowledge because we’ve swallowed that all knowledge is subjective. Of course, some knowledge is subjective. For example, my sister’s baby overheats and therefore becomes overstimulated easily, so she doesn’t have to bundle him up too heavily, but people criticize her thinking that she has not sufficiently bundled him. However, not all knowledge is subjective. For example, defaulting to the use of emotional consequences with your child (shaming, yelling, etc.) has a negative impact on emotional and psychological development even if it may work in the moment to get compliance. The more important question is whether it is teaching what they need to know for life about themselves, relationships, God and the world around them. That is not subjective.

How is pragmatic philosophy negatively effecting areas in your life? It’s not that we shouldn’t look to see if something is working, shouldn’t take experience into consideration, and shouldn’t accept the subjective experience of others. It is that we should not overly or only be relying on those things especially when there are other significant things to also take into consideration. If it is true it will work (eventually), but just because it works doesn’t mean it is true. Experience is important, but can be clouded by misperception and past experiences. Relying on our subjective knowledge hinders us from seeing the truth outside of ourselves. 

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

References

Hicks, S. (2010, May). Philosophy of Education, Part 9: Pragmatism. Pragmatic Philosophy, Clips 1 – 14. CEE Video Channel. Retrieved from the following: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkOZ4IyAbNA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug271VCMaDY, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFRbaAYJ8vo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YZiK7NbEj0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-qDzJza2Zc, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=talfsQ3Pq98, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZWip5kQZKs, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pin3BhNX-s, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_mVbidBk18, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RubeW3Htn2Q, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSIvKcLaJyc, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z56IxrIZ0BA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgoqqwOJKgg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQwDRVym1I0

It's Time For Bed!

Whoever loves sleep, raise your hand!  Sleep is one of those things that most know we need to be getting more of, but the reality of that seems far fetched.  For those who have a child who refuses to go to bed on time or gets up multiple times in the middle of the night, sleep seems to always be out of reach.  Amanda Paben has written a great article on how to help bedtime become a bit easier.  Here is what she has to say:

“It’s time for bed.” Those four words often seem to put the bedtime battle into motion. I often hear parents tell me that bedtime is stressful at their house. Getting a child to go to bed AND stay in bed on time is a challenge and might even be one of the biggest battles that parents face. Bedtime battles quickly lead to a place of exasperation and exhaustion leaving parents willing to do ANYTHING to just get their child to sleep even if that means giving in to the child’s demands, bribing them, letting the child sleep in their bed, or even letting the child stay up later. Though the bedtime battle with a teenager may look and sound different, the reality is that bedtime can be a struggle whether the child is three or thirteen.

 

We live in a world where sleep is a coveted commodity. We are overtired and sleep deprived. The average child needs ten-twelve hours of sleep each day, and adolescents need an average of nine hours, but the reality is that few actually get this much sleep. Busy schedules, demanding after school activities, increased amounts of homework, poor sleep habits, and greater access to technology are all related to the problem of sleep deprivation. Sleep does more than just erase the dark circles under the eyes; sleep is essential for the development and well-being of all humans (children, adolescents, and adults alike) and should not be overlooked. A good night of sleep has many benefits such as better concentration, better emotional health, and reduced stress to name a few.

 

The following are some suggestions related to healthy sleep hygiene. Sleep hygiene relates to habits, practices, and guidelines that help a person sleep well. Poor sleep is often related to poor sleep hygiene. Developing good sleep hygiene is the first step in helping children and adolescents get a better night of sleep. In fact, adults may be able to learn from this too.

 

• Develop a bedtime routine and stick to it: It might be as simple as brush teeth, read a book, bedtime prayers, and say goodnight. Bedtime routines should follow the same sequence every night. Doing this helps the body to know that it is time to start winding down and getting ready for sleep.
• Keep a consistent bedtime and waking time each day: Staying up late on the weekend, sleeping in late, or changing the bedtime each night can impact a child’s sleep schedule for several days. Pick a consistent bedtime/wake time and stick to it even if your child complains or whines.
• Avoid playing videogames, watching television, or playing with technology for at least a half hour before bedtime. The light emitted from lengthy technology use interrupts the brain’s circadian rhythm. Additionally, technology highly stimulates the brain leading to increased arousal which makes settling down even more difficult. Televisions, computers, I-pads, and phones should not be kept in a child or adolescent’s room. This is a hard one to uphold but probably one of the most important healthy habits a parent can help create.
• Create a good sleeping environment: Dark, cool, and quiet rooms create the best conditions for sleeping. Make sure there are no distractions in the room.
• Use the bed for sleeping only: Doing other activities in bed (such as homework) keeps the brain from associating the bed with sleeping. If your child is restless in bed and has trouble falling asleep, encourage him or her to get out of bed and read for a little while to avoid associating the bed with anything other than sleeping.
• Stop caffeine intake by the afternoon. Even if caffeine does not cause problems with falling asleep, caffeine can keep the body from achieving the deeper levels of sleep that are so important for development. Giving the body time to get rid of the caffeine is important.

 

If you notice that your child or adolescent always seems to be tired, it may be worthwhile to examine their sleep habits or talk with a professional. It can take some time to develop a healthy sleep routine but using these guidelines and sticking to them is the best way to change bad habits and create better ones.

 

Sleep is important. Let’s not forget that.

Acceptance

Accepting the difficult things that come our way are difficult.  Whether self inflicted or otherwise, we all have situations in life that come up and they are simply not fair.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this week's article.  She does a great job bringing some perspective to the concept of acceptance.  Here is what she has to say:

What do we do when things don’t go our way?  When life doesn’t turn out the way you planned or when your hopes fade away or are shattered?   I’m thinking that as you read further you are hoping to find a concise answer, one that will make sense.  The one that explains everything in a way that you walk away and go “Oh, that makes sense now.”  I have an answer, you may not like it initially but give it chance.  

 

Years ago I came across a few wise words of advice or wisdom whichever you prefer in either case I didn’t like them one bit.  The first was this:  Life is Not Fair and if that wasn’t bad enough the second was Acceptance is the Answer to Life.  

 

Somewhere along the line I had this concept that life was fair and I just was not the lucky recipient of fairness and so time and time again I felt beaten down, although I didn’t like the whole idea of life not being fair, as it kind of burst my bubble, it helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  We are not alone in this life.  You are not the only one going through whatever it is that you are going through…life is sometimes not fair and not just for you but for everyone.  They might not be talking about it or outright lying about their lives, but unfairness is an equal opportunist.

 

The second part was a much bigger piece to swallow.  Acceptance, I mean what the heck kind of answer is that, and then I read this:

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (p. 449 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

Over the years I have gone back to this reading again and again, usually when I am disturbed about some person, place, thing or situation in my life.  My stumbling block is acceptance.  Non-acceptance like unforgiveness can appear justifiable but in the end may only harm us.  So what do I mean by this.  Well maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

 

• Your child comes and tells you they are gay.

• Your spouse leaves

• You lose your job

• Someone you love dies

• Your child or yourself gets a below average grade or review

• Your neighbors are loud

• You don’t have the car you want due to finances

 

The list is endless, but I think you get the point.  So what’s on your list?  The list of unacceptable.  You may not even know you have one but we all do, at one time in our life or another, we all have a list.  You can continue to fight it and try and control it, try and change it but if you have chosen this path you know the usual outcome, it’s usually more frustration and needing to control a situation that you simply cannot change.  We think we can, but in reality, there are some situations that we cannot change.

 

So like forgiveness we make a choice to accept it.  Now having said this let’s make a distinction between acceptance and liking something.  When you chose to accept something it does not mean you like it, you don’t have to like it to accept it.  This may be a new concept to some but acceptance doesn’t initially involve liking the situation, just as choosing to forgive does not mean that the other person gets off the hook.

 

This may be a huge concept for some people because we tend to label some situations as unacceptable and to our human mind and experience they initially can be unacceptable.  Ten years ago I lost my infant son.  The whole situation seemed unacceptable but his death was what really got me steeped in unacceptance, everywhere my mind turned I was caught in this maze of dead ends always coming back to “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

Part of this was going through the grief and loss experience and normal, but I also knew that it would become more if I continued to live in this place, and so I did what I thought was unthinkable…I accepted his death…Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my son’s death, I could not move forward; unless I accepted life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy. I needed to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

Accepting did not mean I liked it, far from it, but what it did mean was that I stopped asking God “why?”  I began to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake including my son’s death.  Accepting did not give me all the answers I wanted or desired but it did give what I needed and still need ten years later…peace and the ability to move forward.  Life is not fair and acceptance is the answer.  

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Our Own Private Opinion

“Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion."

Excerpt From: Henry David Thoreau. “Walden.” 

Imagine for a second if you are told one of the following phrases:  "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever love you." You probably would be highly offended and rightfully so.  In our society, these are not things you tell someone you value a friendship with, and you don't say these things even to complete strangers, unless you are looking to increase your chances of getting a black eye!  But these two phrases, despite their hurtful nature, are not uncommon things that we mutter to ourselves, sometimes without even taking notice.

The hurtful things we tell ourselves on a daily basis can have incredibly negative effects on our emotional state.  Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings.  The effects of negative thinking can leave one feeling depressed or anxious, depending on the specific thoughts and the specific individual.  The correlation between the thoughts we have and how those thoughts make us feel have been studied for many years now. The result of these studies are that improving our thinking can improve how we feel emotionally.

Sometimes identifying our negative thoughts can be tricky.  This is where the benefit of seeking a professional counselor comes in.  For some, the knowledge of specific thoughts are obvious but the knowledge of how to confront these thoughts is where it gets difficult.  For example, let's say that your negative thought was, "I am worthless."  You would need to challenge this thought by giving yourself examples and reasons why this is not true.  After you have compiled your evidence that challenges your negative thought, then it is time to replace you thought with a more accurate one.

As humans we go to extremes, as odd as it is, because it's simpler for our minds.  This is why mildly hurtful events can turn into devastations.  If a friend is harsh with you, it might be that he/she was having a hard day and not because "you are a worthless friend," as your mind might have you believe.  Challenging and replacing negative thoughts and replacing them with more accurate ones is key to maintaining emotional stability.  If you are finding this difficult, please don't hesitate to see a professional counselor. 

By: Nicholas Smith, MA, LPC

The Value of a Period in Resolving Conflict

Welcome!  Today Scott Hendrickson brings to us a great article on conflict resolution.  Conflicts are part of life, they are inevitable.  Sometimes we mistake the goal in dealing with a conflict as being the avoidance of them.  The goal should not be to avoid conflicts, just to learn ways to more effectively cope with them.  Here is what Scott has to say:

We were all taught in elementary school at the end of every sentence we place a period. We were told to avoid run-on sentences. The period serves either as a pause to distinguish between the next sentence and thought as well as the end of the story. Now I am by no means a grammartician but I believe there is something really useful here to help you reduce the length and intensity of your conflicts. In our confrontations, sometimes what maintains the fight is the lack of a period. 

It makes sense that we repeat ourselves in escalating fashion as we fight. We are angry so we have lots of energy to deal with. Probably we don't feel listened to or hurt and need to talk it out. If someone doesn't understand or agree it is the natural thing to keep pounding away with what we believe the truth. When we don't know what else to do we do what we know and what comes instinctively. 

There are some problems with giving way to our old fighting habits however. For one, it doesn't seem to be effective. I don't remember too many people coming to see me who were satisfied with the outcome of these arguments. Here are a few points to consider to help bring your fights to a close. 

Bad habits that keep us from being heard...

• Lecturing (run-on sentences) keeps a person on the defensive therefore minimizing insight. The more you yell, lecture or repeat your unresolved complaint, the more your target audience (spouse, child, coworker, IT consultant, etc) tries to defend herself. When a person is defensive, it is almost impossible to see another perspective.
• Redundancy communicates your stupid or you are not listening and maintains defenses (see first bullet point). It also says I have little intention of hearing your side. If you are looking to simply blow off some angry steam this might work briefly but after your rant your listener might have his ears plugged with little motivation to hear or validate your complaint.
• Pounding away at your point over and over also says, "you are going to do it my way or see it my way or else!" Sorry but this is controlling. This is a hard point but if you don't allow for the other person's disagreement you will be hard pressed to actually achieve genuine agreement. From a negotiating stand point alone, if one of the parties has no intention of moving from his/her position he/she is not negotiating in good faith. Any healthy relationship has the built-in expectation of differences and accepts this.

Better habits...

• Use a simple 3 part "I statement" with a period (don't forget the period). Part one: I feel... (insert an actual feeling word here: an emotion). Part two: when you... (insert the other persons behavior succinctly summarized). Part three:  because... (insert the consequences or ramifications of the other person's behavior). Again, don't forget the period or pause after your "I statement". Let the person respond. They might be defensive, clueless or turn it back on you or they might listen and attend to your feelings.
• If they become defensive or they discount your statement, follow up with "I hear what you are saying, nonetheless, that is how I feel". Avoid the urge to be defensive yourself. The point is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. Remember that repeating yourself doesn't increase the chances you will be understood or validated BUT does reduce the chances of effective conflict resolution
• The reason for the "I statement" is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. By not belaboring your point or complaint you give this person more freedom to listen and understand you. Yes, he or she can reject you as well but long-term by giving him freedom to choose without the need to be defensive she will be more and more open to your point of view.

A period raises the possibility for introspection therefore learning. A period says I respect your feelings which is what I want in return. A period gives you an exit out of your anger and conflict to understanding and deeper intimacy. 

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Journaling?

Hello Everyone!  Welcome to this week's blog article.  This week I wanted to keep it simple, short and sweet.  This exercise is something we all know about, many of us have tried it and some of us don't really understand its importance/significance.  What am I talking about?  Journaling.  Journaling can help ease your mind of anxieties and help get to the root cause of many emotional issues.

Journaling is meant to help understand the thoughts that are going on in your head. Writing your thoughts down helps you become more aware of stories you are telling yourself.  In many cases, the stories we tell ourselves, are not positive ones.  Many folks are surprised by how harsh they are on themselves.  With journaling, we can start to examine these stories and ask ourselves, "Is this true?"  Examining these stories is a great first step to freedom.

Where I notice people tend to go wrong with their journaling (and I'm at fault here too), is in taking a critics view of what you are putting down on the page.  Journaling is meant to be an exercise of freedom.  Literally anything goes.  If you think, "this is stupid, I can't write that down," then it is probably something that you should be writing down.  

So there you go, a simple start to journaling.  If you would like a more in depth understanding of journaling, let us know in the comments section!

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LPC

Back to School Anxiety

For me, Labor Day has always seemed to signify the end of summer and the start of a new season even though the calendar tells me that summer is technically still here for the next few weeks. By this point, most schools are back in the full swing of things and the busyness of the school year starts to set in. The new school year results in a wide array of emotions for children and parents alike, and for some children and adolescents, going back to school causes feelings of anxiety. Deciding whether or not a child's worries and fears might require additional help can be difficult for parents, so I filmed a video that talks about questions parents can ask themselves about their child to decipher whether seeking help from a professional is warranted. If you want to know more about back to school anxiety, check it out!

By: Amanda Paben, LPC