Inside Out and Children’s Emotions

     I recently watched Disney Pixar’s newest movie, Inside Out. The movie surpassed my expectations and has my counselor-self excited at the steps Pixar has taken to try to educate children and families about emotions and personalities. Movies rarely provide equal amounts of education and entertainment, but Inside Out accomplishes both by taking an abstract concept and making it more concrete. The movie takes place inside the head of a young girl named Riley during her move to a new state and introduces five different characters who take turns at the center of the control board. Emotional development is rarely the premise of a movie, but Inside Out has journeyed into uncharted waters and started a conversation about emotions. Allow me to explain some of the things I took away from the movie: 

We all experience a wide variety of emotions daily. The five characters introduced in the movie (Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust) correspond to five of the six basic emotions researched by Paul Eckman that have been found to exist in different cultures. The sixth basic emotion is surprise but was left out of the movie. This means that the characters in the movie represent, at a basic level, the emotions that people all across the world experience daily. Eckman’s research has been widely used, and he was even consulted throughout the creation process. What results is a movie that is on point describing the basic emotions experienced by human beings. Emotional experiences impact a person’s perception of the world, shape the memories of the past, and impact interactions in the present. In short, emotions are almost always impacting a person’s life and experience of the world. In short, helping a child to understand their emotions is an important task, and parents would do well to use some of the insights this movie provides. The development of emotional intelligence is crucial. 

Personified emotions shed new light on an abstract, difficult concept. Perhaps one of my favorite things about the film is the fact that emotions are given a personality and a face. I have yet to find any characters that take emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness and create an entire character personality based on the single emotion. Never before has there been such a concrete way to talk about emotions, which often feel abstract. In my office, children sometimes have a difficult time describing their anger or fear. The characters of Inside Out teach about the different emotions and provide a way for children to understand their feelings more concretely. 

Personifying emotions will also allow parents to engage in conversations with their children in a new way. It allows for a more concrete discussion about a child’s emotional experience and provides a common language from which the discussion can be approached. Parents might be able to use questions such as “Which emotion is operating your control center right now” or “What is the fear/anger voice inside your head saying to you”. Fear made me laugh during the movie when he came up with a list of all the possible scenarios of what might go wrong during Riley’s first day at school, and yet there is some truth in that depiction of the character. Using that example of Fear, parents might be able to help their children come up with their own list of all the things their brain is making them worry about.  

Every emotion has an important role to play. Inside Out teaches the importance of each individual emotion and validates the difficult emotions that children might have trouble expressing. The emotions are portrayed for what they are, not positively or negatively. All too often, I hear parents say something like “Don’t be sad” “You don’t need to be afraid”, or “Calm down; stop being so angry.” These types of statements devalue the emotional experience of the child and cause confusion. Emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness often get a bad reputation due to statements like this and are seen in a negative light. I often here parents in my office talking about how they wish they could shield their children from experiencing sadness, anger, or worry, but there is a problem with this way of thinking because children need to experience difficult and uncomfortable emotions to learn more about themselves and how to handle the world. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely shield a person from difficult emotions because we live in a sinful, broken world where disappointment and heartache are guaranteed. Part of the reason trophies are handed out to every child at a sporting event is to shield the child from feeling a difficult emotion, but this actually shields the child from being able to learn and grow from those experiences and causes problems later in life when the child is approached with more difficult life events. Experiencing disappointment during childhood begins to lay the foundation for how a person will deal with and move past disappointments in the teenage and adult years. This movie beautifully portrays that each emotion has its own role to play and that each emotion is important for what it is. 

Feeling sad may be uncomfortable, but sad is not bad. For me, one of the most touching parents of the movie was when Joy realized the purpose and role of Sadness. For most of the movie, Joy makes her mission to keep Sadness away from the control board and the memories, but she comes to understand the importance of Sadness and her role in connecting Riley to others when she feels down. Sadness leads to a deeper connection with others. There is a noticeable shift towards the end of the movie where the role of Sadness really shines. Children often have a hard time expressing their sadness, more so than emotions like anger or fear. Most kids just do not want to feel sad because feeling sad is equal to feeling bad. However, sadness is a vital emotion for children to experience and understand. Teaching a child how to embrace their sadness (or any difficult emotion for that matter) rather than avoid the feeling will lead to more well-adjusted child who is able to navigate the challenges of life. In the movie, Sadness was able to connect empathetically with Riley and change a difficult memory into one that included receiving love and support from family and friends.

A deeper understanding of emotions leads to a higher level of emotional intelligence. Parents, please do not write off Inside Out as a simple children’s movie. This movie provides a concrete way to discuss an abstract concept and teaches several important lessons throughout which are highly worth pondering. If you have not seen the movie yet, check it out, and keep these things in mind as you watch it. Children benefit from learning about their emotions, and Inside Out does a fabulous job of teaching about them while providing true entertainment. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

The Comparison Trap

"When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves they are not wise." - 2 Corinthians 10:12

It has been said that when we compare, we err. How hard it is, in this world of abundance and tragedy, to keep our mind on our blessings and the Source of them, on what is most important, on our own purpose here, and to be thankful and content with what we have. Comparing our lives with someone else's is never a win-win situation. We are all uniquely made and different from each other in as many ways as we are alike. We all have a tendency to judge and so we will naturally compare up or down. And we will wind up feeling either better than or worse than the person or circumstance we are comparing ourselves to. Fortunately our worth is not based on how we measure up next to others. Every person is of immense value to God and His kingdom. God does not look at outward appearances, but at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). The more we focus on how much God loves us and His power in us to accomplish His will for our lives, the less we will compare ourselves to others. As we grow in the grace and love of God, we can look at others and instead of judging them or ourselves through comparing, we can appreciate each person for who they are regardless of their status or disposition. We are able to have compassion and use the gifts that we have to contribute, realizing that each person, including ourselves is of equal worth. We will not feel threatened nor will we feel superior. 

The Bible talks about the different parts of the body and how valuable each part is. The hand cannot do the job of the foot and the eye cannot do the job of the ear (1 Corinthians 12:14-18). In the same way we each have our own purpose which no one else is meant to do, and which adds to the fullness of the body of Christ. How foolish for us to base our own or someone else's value on acquired roles, levels of understanding, or number of accomplishments. For we cannot judge another person's life from the limited view we have. Only God sees all, knows all and understands all. 

What we do know is that we all fall short of God's glory and that Christ died for everyone no matter what they've done. And there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:23, John 3:16, Romans 8:1). So we may live joyfully beside one another accepting ourselves where God has us and accepting others where God has them. Each person is learning and growing at his or her own pace. So where is comparing? It is buried at the foot of the cross.

"I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...." Psalm 139:14

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC

Letting Go of People Pleasing

The phrase "people pleasing" has been around for a while now. No one likes being called a people pleaser and yet most people like to be thought of as a genuinely good person. It is desirous to be kind, loving, considerate, and thoughtful but if we do these things for the purpose of getting approval, attention or self worth, then we are falling into the people pleaser trap. When we spend our energy worrying about what other people think, seeking to make others happy at the expense of our own health or wellbeing, and focusing more on what other people are doing than on our own responsibilities, we are living a lifestyle of people pleasing. The Bible talks a lot about serving others, loving our enemies, going the extra mile and giving to those in need. These actions are commendable. The problem comes in when one's sense of security and self-worth comes from the approval that is received by doing them. It can cause a person to ignore their own needs and values in order to feel accepted and loved even if temporary and conditional. 

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 2 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

As I wrote in part one of this blog art, emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings. After you finish part two, go back and read part one of this article to help you with a strategy to cope with these difficult emotions.

Feelings! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings! How we run from painful or uncomfortable feelings. (part 1 of 2)

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

Emotions or feelings are incredibly difficult to tolerate for many of us.  In fact we all have many strategies to avoid feeling our feelings; at least the ones we are aware of.  We avoid feeling anxious, hurt, angry, sad, shame, abandoned and more. In my experience, we spend a terrific amount of energy running from our feelings while we spend virtually an insignificant amount of time building up a tolerance to various feelings.

Feelings are meant to be

Embracing “the Talk” | Talking to Children about Sex

Raise your hand if you feel 100% comfortable with the task of talking to your child about sex. Any takers? No one? Why am I not surprised?

Sex is a taboo topic in a lot of circles, and when it comes time to have “the talk” with children, most parents feel uncomfortable with the thought and task at hand. They would much rather leave the things up to the school or the youth group leader, keeping themselves free from those uncomfortable feelings. Movies have long portrayed comical situations of dads or moms trying to blubber their way through some type of description of the body and sex. A scene from the movie Sydney White comes to mind where the dad tries to talk with his daughter about becoming a woman. He tries to explain that her body would release an egg (like a chicken) each month while using a contraption built out of plumbing materials.  His lack of comfort with the subject is clear and the look of bewilderment on his daughter’s face is evident. The scene is comical but not that far off base. 

When it comes to Christian circles, this topic feels even more taboo. Sex feels like a “worldly” topic, and I find that many Christian parents are concerned with one thing: how to keep their child away from sex (thinking about it, knowing about it, and most importantly engaging in it). They are uncomfortable with the topic and would much rather have someone else teach their children the basics of the birds and bees. The problem with this mindset is that this comes at a cost to the child. The best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home from the people they trust most, yet they are forced to look outside of the home for answers because of the parent’s response to the topic and their portrayal of feeling uncomfortable. I am not negating the fact that this is a difficult, uncomfortable talk to have, but I do want to encourage parents, especially Christian parents, to step up to the plate and embrace the talk. Sexuality is a part of human nature, and child development includes sexual development. Failure to engage in the conversation with children robs them of the ability to understand their own sexual development from those with whom they share the closest bond and most importantly takes away the opportunity for shepherding and guiding a child’s heart to better understand God’s creation of the world and relationships. 

Unfortunately, in today’s world, most kids are learning about sex outside of the home. Our highly sexualized media culture and access to technology have basically stripped parents of the ability to truly shelter their child from the sexualized world. Children are being exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Fifteen years ago, “the talk” could have probably waited until the child was twelve. In today’s world, twelve is probably too late. This does not mean that younger children have to know every nitty-gritty detail about sex. I’m simply trying to convey the importance of beginning to open the doors to a realistic and honest conversation about the human body and the way that God created it to be. This is a call for intentional parenting. 

Left up to the schools or churches alone, a child’s understanding of sexuality is going to be limited and one-sided.  Schools can easily teach about reproduction in a short series during health class, and youth groups can cover the topic of purity during one of the weekly meetings. While these are valuable discussions to have, these are typically lectures rather than a dialogue. A short conversation or lecture about sex is not what is required here. The process of helping a child to understand sexuality happens over a period of time with intentional conversations (back and forth discussions) not during a one or two hour lecture. This is a process of helping children to understand both facts and principles. Facts are the actual details of the body’s changes and reproduction, and principles extend beyond the facts to help a child understand the design and God-given intent of sex between a husband and a wife. The principles regarding sex in today’s culture are highly skewed, so if parents do not step up to guide their child and instill godly principles, children end up learning the wrong things about sex. The process of teaching a child about sex should happen over the course of years, not over the course of hours because principles are not instilled quickly. 

So how can parents go about embracing the talk? First, take some time to think about your view of sex and how you feel about talking with your child. If you feel uncomfortable, what causes that feeling? Spend time considering the impact that your own past has had upon your understanding. What did your parents teach you about sex? What are your core values when it comes to sexuality? Jot down what values you hope to convey to your child. Parenting out of fear is not the goal here, so if the topic of sex causes fear or worry, address those issues before talking to your child. 

Second, spend some time defining what you consider to be your definition of healthy sexuality. Sexual development is a normal part of child development and cannot be avoided whether the topic is addressed or not. Christian parents ought to consider their theology of biblical sexuality. Children in today’s world will hear plenty about the cultural view of sex, so an understanding of the biblical view of sex and God’s intent for it is key. Help your child understand the biblical context of sex and its meaning. After all, sex between a husband and a wife is a representation of the union between Christ and the Church, and this should not be taken lightly. Help your child understand the healthy boundaries of sex. God clearly created sex to be between a husband and wife and placed boundaries in place from the beginning of time. These boundaries are for our good, but children need to know why these boundaries are good. 

Third, work to set your child up for sexual success. Teach your child peer refusal skills. Children need to know how to get themselves out of a sticky situation before they are ever in the position to be in that situation. Help them understand the value of their own body and how to respect others. Talk about the importance of purity and give your child skills to stand up for what they believe in even when the world tells them something different. Teach them about the importance of privacy and the importance of having other people respect their privacy. Help your child understand how to deal with interest in the opposite sex. Teach children about the changes that will be happening to their body. 

Fourth, work to open the doors of communication with your child. If parents treat the sex talk as a one-time event, children will not learn to come to parents with further questions. The more open parents are, the more likely children will learn to feel comfortable addressing concerns in the safety of their own home rather than seeking answers online or from peers. 

Are you ready to embrace the talk? I sure hope so. Your child’s development depends upon your willingness to step up to the plate and embrace the awkward. Parenting is a tough job and requires intentionality. Use this as an opportunity to be an intentional parent and instill important, life-long principles in your child. The benefits far outweigh the costs when it comes to teaching your child about sex. 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Working Through Disappointment, Discouragement, & Anger

Have you ever experienced disappointment, discouragement or anger over a situation that just didn’t go the way you expected?  Maybe you are going through that right now.  The truth is that everyone goes through these kinds of situations; the problem is that we often don’t realize others are also having difficulties in their lives.  What this often produces is what I call “terminal uniqueness.”  It is the thought process of “I’m the only one, this only happens to me,” or “why me, why now?”  Maybe you have been praying or have asked for prayer but still things don’t go the way you wanted and you’ve asked why?

Sometimes it appears that only good things happen to other people, not you, “terminal uniqueness.”  Good things happen and bad things happen to everyone.  Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  What can make it seem like only good things happen to other people is that most people don’t talk about their failures or disappointments.  It certainly doesn’t make for feel good reading on Facebook, does it?  I mean if you read through many peoples Facebook pages you might start to envy other people’s lives. You may start to think they are the luckiest person.  You may begin to buy into the myth that you are the only unlucky one and everyone else lives a great life and even wonder why others prayers are answered and not yours.  It’s not just through social media; it’s how people can portray their lives to others in any situation, social media or in person.