The Counseling that God Provides

One of the names of God is Wonderful Counselor. He really is and He speaks to us through many forms of communication. A walk in the woods on a snowy day cries out the beauty and majesty of God. A day at the ocean can do wonders for the soul and echoes the immense power of our Lord. A new born baby or the love of someone who really cares can warm our hearts and give us the hope of God’s love in an often dark, cruel world.

One of the main ways that God communicates to us is through His Word. Sometimes we may read a Bible passage and not feel the love and comfort that we’re supposed to receive. Reading can feel like just going through the motions. That is when I have found that praying before reading any further can really help. I ask God to open my heart to His Word, to show me what He wants me to learn and to prepare my heart to receive insight and understanding of the passage. 

Psalm 27 is an example of a great reading when feeling anxiety or fear. It is a confidence builder, written by David, who knew the real threat of war and violence. He continually turned to God, during good times and bad, and was called a man after God’s own heart. He sought the Lord when his life was in danger, when life seemed hopeless, and when he was filled with the grief of his own sin. And through his writing it can be seen that he was encouraged and uplifted by the Holy Spirit. 

The first 2 lines of this psalm are inspiring and remind us of where our strength comes from.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom should I fear?                                                                  The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom should I be afraid?”

The third verse is one which can remind us that with God on our side, we can feel secure no matter what happens.

“Though an army deploys against me, my heart is not afraid;                                                                                      Though a war breaks out against me, still I am confident. “

God is not only powerful to protect us, He is also amazingly creative and artistic. He truly is the Master Artist and Designer, from Whom the world gets all the ingenuity and talent ever experienced. If we reflect, as David does in verses 4 and 5, on God’s beauty and incomprehensible love for us who are small, weak and dependent on the very air we breathe, we would be fools not to put all our hope and trust in Him.

“I have asked one thing from the Lord; it is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple.                                            For He will conceal me in His shelter in the day of adversity; He will hide me under the cover of His tent; He will set me high on a rock.”

David shows us that we can ask anything of the Lord and though we may have to wait, He is faithful to work things out. He will revive us, restore us and give new hope and strength when we need it. Sometimes friends or family disappoint us, we may have people in our lives who want more from us than we are able to give, or have difficult circumstances to endure. David seems to have experienced all these things and more. And he was not ashamed or afraid to cry out to God in any adversity. In doing so, he found the assurance he needed as displayed in verse 10, 13 and 14.

“Even if my mother and father abandon me, the Lord cares for me."

“I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living.”

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord.”

David trusts God and God lifts his spirits so that he can face the day and whatever is in front of him.  He did not necessarily get answers to all his questions or what he wanted when he wanted it. Yet he had the solution to His wrestless heart.  We too can have that encouragement, hope and confidence, by spending time with the Lord, believing His Word and sharing David’s heart of faith and trust in the Great God who loves us and gave his life for us so that we may live through Him.

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC 

Inside Out

At the risk of sounding like a movie critic, I highly recommend the movie, “Inside Out.”   If you are not familiar with this film it is an animated movie.  Animation or not this is a movie for all ages!  One of the reasons many people come into counseling is difficulty dealing with emotions.  The stories are different, the people involved may be different, the age or gender may be different but when you look down under it all, it becomes about sorting through emotions and feelings and trying to figure out what they are and how to cope.  Inside Out is a movie that depicts just this subject.  It’s about a young girl trying to cope with all the major changes going on in her life and the committee in her head that appears to be running the show, enter into the picture: fear, joy, anger, sadness and disgust.

Everyone has feelings but not everyone expresses or handles their feelings in the same way.  My experience has been that the majority of people don’t like to feel or just don’t know how.  Sometimes feelings are considered a weakness, for example the feelings of sadness or fear.  Joy, anger and disgust usually are more acceptable feelings.  Interestingly, as much as we want to control these feelings and often appear to control them, in the end they control us.  We need the full spectrum of feelings in order to fully manage our lives.  We need to be able to figure out what’s going on inside in order to function to the fullest on the outside.  Feelings are just that, feelings, neither right nor wrong.  Feelings should not rule our lives, but when we are able to recognize what we are feelings, they become a barometer that can help us navigate to healthy solution, to move forward and through life’s ups and downs.

So that dreaded question, “What are you feeling?” could actually be considered a logical step in trying to figure out a solution.  For example, if you feel hungry, what do you do?  Ignore it?  Try to push it aside and not feel the hunger pains and stomach growls?  Well maybe some do, but usually NO…you eat.  You recognize what you feel and the solution is to eat.  So if you have some kind of discontent inside maybe it’s a feeling that you just can’t name or don’t want to feel.

Throughout the movie the character Joy is trying to rule.  Everything is about being happy and content and she does not want Sadness to have any part of the young girls life.  Sadness on the other hand keeps trying to be part of the girl’s life and keeps getting interrupted by Joy.  (At the risk of being somewhat of a spoiler alert).  Towards the very end of the movie you begin to catch on to the importance of Sadness and her role in the girls life.  In fact without Sadness, there can be no Joy.  It was through Sadness that the young girl finally is able to move forward and process all the changes.  What it took to get there was to recognize and feel the sadness.

Feelings and emotions can be powerful.  Many people do not want to tread the waters of emotions.  I am not saying that you need to spend years in therapy trying to figure out “what you feel.”  I am not saying that you have to go from being strong to being all touchy feely.  Feelings and emotions should not be driving your bus.  Convictions and beliefs should be driving your bus, but emotions can be on the bus as they often can help us navigate where to go next.

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Season In Between

Life doesn’t happen as a smooth, steady and straight path. It has ups and downs, ins and outs, and twists and turns. I call these seasons. There are seasons that are smooth and bring a sense of fullness. There are seasons on the mountaintop. There are also seasons in the valley, dessert, or wilderness. There are seasons of transition and seasons of waiting. For those of us prone towards depressive or anxiety symptoms, there are seasons when these symptoms are lower (maybe even seem non-existent at times) and others where they are higher. A season I haven’t thought much of before is the season of being in between. 

Maybe I haven’t thought about it much because it can share elements from the seasons of waiting and transition.  However, what seems to set this season apart is the element of the unknown. You may not know what is on the other side or you may know what you want on the other side, but don’t know if it is going to happen. For example, 

• Stepping out of one career and into another. Perhaps you’re not fully out of the first one yet or perhaps you’ve started in the career path but aren’t sure about the path.
• Being in between life stages. Perhaps, there are several changes happening, some changes that have moved into a transition season where you are adjusting and finding you’re new normal while other changes are still in a state of full or partial unknown.
• When a hurt has happened in a relationship and you’ve apologized, but the relationship is not yet reconciled and you don’t know if it will be.
• When you sense there are parts of yourself that have gotten buried or lost. You know some of them are alright to let go of, while some of them need to be unearthed or found yet you know that they may need to have some changes to them when they return. 
• When you sense there are parts of yourself that need healing or growth, but maybe aren’t sure what that looks like or aren’t sure what you’ll look like once the healing or growth is done. 

The most difficult aspect to a season in between is this element of the unknown. We can feel lost and uncertain about who we are, our purpose, and other life questions in this time.  The song Time In Between has been encouraging me lately in my own in between season where though I might not know what is next, God does, and as I seek Him, He will lead me to what or who I need in this time as well as show me what my part is. Below is an excerpt of the second verse and chorus; you can view the full lyrics using the link in the reference section. 

Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For You to fill me up again

But it's the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring
And the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete
Still I'll sing in the time in between

Reference: 

Songwriters, Battistelli, Francesca and Lagerberg, Clint. Time In Between [Recorded by Battistelli, Francesca]. On My Paper Heart [CD]. Location: Fervent Records. (Released July 22, 2008). Lyrics retrieved from http://www.metrolyrics.com/time-in-between-lyrics-francesca-battistelli.html.

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

Giving Thanks in All Circumstances

Today in my morning devotion time, I came across 1 Thessalonians 5:13; “Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  That is a tough one to obey when life gets dark and cloudy and storms come up beyond our control.  Challenges can appear out of nowhere and suddenly we’re worried, angry, depressed and/or grief stricken.  How can God say to give thanks in the midst of a crisis?  In Mark 4:40, Jesus practically scolded the disciples when they complained about Jesus sleeping in the bottom of the boat during a ferocious storm.  I have to admit that I can relate more to the disciples than Jesus in this passage!  But God knows more than we do about the future and what we need.  He wants us to trust Him always, no matter how dark it gets.  More than that, He wants us to thank Him even while in a difficult situation. And what may be the reason He commands this of us?  Possibly because thankfulness and faith in God’s goodness and ultimate victory are ways to strengthen us and give us peace, hope and confidence so that we may persevere and endure while we wait for God’s promises to be fulfilled.  

When our hearts are thankful we are:

• Focused on the positive
• Aware of blessings we otherwise take for granted
• Acknowledging God’s goodness
• Refusing defeat
• Humble
• Able to feel joy
• More able to trust God
• Able to let go of things outside of our control
• Glorifying God, the Giver of all that we have.

By thanking God in all circumstances, we are more open to what God may have us learn through them.  We often don’t understand why God allows many of the things that happen.  We may get the “whys” answered someday or we may have to wait until the next life to understand.  But if we seek the Lord during those confusing and even heart wrenching times, He will change us so that we not only can bear up under them but we can also become more compassionate, insightful, forgiving, patient and many other character qualities which will make us more like Christ.

Jesus said, “In the world you will have trouble. But take heart.  I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)  It is helpful to remember that heaven is yet to come.  We are here to accomplish God’s purposes in us, through us and for us.  By staying close to Jesus, (abiding in Him), we can be thankful because we know this life is temporary and not our real home.  The love and forgiveness we extend to others will be rewarded in the next life.  And God’s grace is sufficient to carry us through, empowering us to give thanks in all circumstances.

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC

How Can I Love When It’s Hard To Do?

During this holiday season we are reminded of the love that came down from heaven and sacrificed everything on earth for us so that we can be forgiven and live forever with God in fullness of joy. After 2000+ years we are still celebrating the birth of the Savior of the world. 

When I think about what Jesus endured and how He was treated by the establishment and yet continued to love, it is incredible to me. And my next thought is often, “well He is God so of course He can do the impossible.” And yet God says that when we receive Jesus into our hearts, we also receive His power through the Holy Spirit to do all the things He calls us to do and that He actually lives in us. According to Scripture, with the Holy Spirit living in us and direct access to the Father through Jesus Christ, we can do the seemingly impossible. In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.” 

Thinking about my life, immediately I go to the things around me that I would like to “move” or change; difficult circumstances that cause stress, uncooperative people in my family, almost everything I hear on the news, and the pains of living in a fallen world. But when I think of what Jesus did, I realize that it’s my heart and mind that need to change. To love sacrificially in our culture is so hard to at times! I would rather gratify my flesh, find fault with others rather than myself, and avoid whatever is uncomfortable at the time.  It is only by God’s power that I can truly do what He calls me to do which is to love Him and to love others as myself, even when it’s hard.  

Love is easy when I’m getting my needs met and when others (especially family members) agree with me. Take those things away and I see the actual limitations within me; negative emotion, stubbornness, judgmentalism and self-centeredness. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit can enable me to see things differently, do what I feel can’t be done or that I feel unwilling to do.  That doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone or liking everything that happens.  But it does mean for me to show up and stand strong in the midst of heartache or discomfort, which I can do with God’s love strengthening and empowering me. I can bear the frustration of outward circumstances, delay my own gratification and accept being out of sync with someone I love, because of the hope and comfort and love of He who is in me. 

During this holiday season we all will likely have moments where we’d rather not deal with an uncomfortable situation. We’d rather check out in one way or another. Spending time with God regularly, in His Word and prayer, will strengthen us to love sacrificially for the glory of our Savior and the betterment of ourselves and others. With His love and power flowing through us we can move the mountain of whatever keeps us from fully loving Him and loving others as ourselves.

Philippians 4:13   I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

1 John 4:4   …He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

Matthew 22:36-40   Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Merry Christmas!

Francine Costanza, LCPC

Attitudes of Gratitude

Believe it or not, but the rush of the holidays is quickly approaching. Holiday decorations are out in full force in local stores. My Instagram feed shows people already setting up their Christmas trees and listening to Christmas music, and the commercials on television boast of the newest gadget that your loved one just has to have. The Christmas season is filled with stress, rushing, and greed—a picture of commercialism at its finest. I wonder if we have forgotten what it means to be thankful. 

The current generation of children and adolescents in the United States have been called the entitlement generation on more than one occasion—the no one tells me “no” and “I deserve this” kids. While I love the Christmas season, entitlement seems to be even more prevalent this time of the year and sometimes makes me want to cringe. I can already hear the “I need this”, “I want that”, “where’s my next present?” and “that’s all I’m getting?” statements. Rather than dreading the increased prevalence of entitlement, my challenge to you (and for myself) is to develop an attitude of gratitude during these upcoming weeks. Would it not be a gift to go into the holiday season knowing that your children are thankful for what they do have rather than focused on what they do not have?  

Gratitude is defined as the state of being thankful, the recognition and appreciation of good things in life. The benefits of living a grateful life are numerous. Studies have proven that gratitude improves life quality and satisfaction. People who are more grateful reported being more satisfied with day-to-day life. Research has also shown there to be a connection between gratitude and a person’s level of happiness. (Check out some of the studies by Robert Emmons or Martin Seligman if you are looking for more technical reading on the connection between gratitude and mental health.) Gratitude and entitlement have an inverse relationship. There is little need for gratitude when a person is solely focused on what they deserve. Entitlement diminishes the need for gratitude. If we live in a world where entitlement seems to be so prevalent, the development of an attitude of gratitude just might be a solution to pursue. 

The state of being thankful can be hard, especially during difficult life circumstances or during this upcoming season where there are increased levels of entitlement. Developing an attitude of gratitude requires conscious awareness of how one thinks. It is easy to get caught in a negative mindset and focus on the things that go wrong during the day or what one does not have, so here are a few simples ideas about ways to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for adults and children alike. Give these suggestions a try for two weeks and see if your life outlook changes. Children whose parents demonstrate an attitude of gratitude are much more likely to have their own attitude of gratitude, so use these next few weeks as a time to develop attitudes of gratitude together. 

• Keep a gratitude journal 

Writing down things for which you are thankful is a tangible reminder of the good in life. Look for the simple things in life that you are thankful for and write them down as a reminder of the positive aspects of your day. 

• Talk about things for which you are thankful daily. 

During family dinner or before bedtime, make it a habit to ask your child (spouse, roommate, etc.) about five positive things that have happened throughout the day or five things he or she is thankful for. In doing so, you are teaching your child to view the world through a lens of positivity. This in turn produces more gratitude. 

• Create a list of blessings. 

Come up with a list of all the things that you have for which you are thankful. Rather than focusing on what you do not have, this list helps you to focus on what blessings you do have. Read over the list daily, and on days when you are not feeling very grateful, this list helps recount the gifts of life. 

• Express it to someone else. 

Take the time to write a note to someone letting him or her know you are thankful for what they do. To write a thank-you note is to express gratitude externally. 

• Engage in prayers of gratitude 

Sometimes prayers can feel like a long shopping list of needs. Take the time to thank God for the blessings you have been given and ask for the grace to see things through a lens of gratitude daily. The good gifts we have been given in this life are from a gracious God who chooses to bless His children. 

Colossians 3:15-17 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” 

I am embracing the challenge. Are you? 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

Enjoying the Holidays through Positive Self-Care

The holidays bring with them assorted emotions, kind of like a box of assorted chocolates. You take a bite and it might not taste quite like you expected!  We can get feelings of joy and happy expectancy in the festive atmospheres that abound during November and December. Then an encounter with a relative over event planning or gift giving can change that once happy emotion to one of dread. 

Often the way we respond to a disappointment can make the difference between getting replenished or cycling downward to a negative attitude about holiday activities.  As we all know, there are good and bad ways to respond when conflicts arise. Here are a few self-care responses to try when the going gets tough during “Tis the Season.”