Being True To Yourself

“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence.”   Frederick Douglass

As we finish off Thanksgiving leftovers and enter into the apex of the holiday season, many of us have idealistic thoughts of how those around us should behave during this sacrificial time of year. Christmas is a wonderful holiday for many reasons. Specifically for bringing together family and friends, some of which we may not see any other time of year. Social media would have us believe that everyone should get along and have cheerful conversations during the holidays, but that’s not always realistic. This time of year brings together people from many different places, who are all trying to make the most of life, sometimes in very different ways. So, how do we maintain confidence in our own beliefs and actions while still respecting the perspectives of others? 

Fredrick Douglass, an African American political figure who grew up as a slave in the south during the 1800s, took advantage of the infinite opportunities he had to practice his people skills. He had a strong personality, was a firm believer in equality for all people and believed that good communication was the key to creating alliances. He fought for the rights of his people at a time when being an outspoken black man was not easy.  It was a fine line to walk, but Douglass did it well. The ability to converse with people of many different opinions and ethics while maintaining confidence in your own opinions and ethics is a skill that must be practiced in order to be mastered. Being discerning of when to listen, when to respond and when to give the other person the last word without resentment, is an art worth developing, not only in the political arena or during the holidays, but in daily life everywhere. 

Enjoying the “holiday madness” has a lot to do with continuing to be yourself even if everyone around you seems different in one way or another. Sometimes it takes a little mental preparation to walk in to a room full of opinions and be able to hold on to your own. But being yourself, even if it’s not what everyone else wants you to be, is crucial to being happy.  After all, you’re the one who has to live with you.  The tricky part is learning how to be gracious while also maintaining your own values and integrity.  And that, I think, is worth reflecting on….

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC   

Who is Calling

Through the years I’ve been awed by two books; God Calling and Jesus Calling.  The first was written anonymously by two Catholic nuns who met together and listened for what they heard God saying to them.  It was a book of hope and comfort to me during a difficult time in my life.  The second, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, has been a blockbuster best seller in the Christian community for a few years now.  She shares in her introduction, that she was inspired by the book God Calling and decided to write her own book through listening to God speak to her.

  

Since reading these two books, I have tried my hand at writing down what I think I hear God saying to me.  It proved to be a wonderful exercise and a blessing as the words that came were ones of love, hope, wisdom and meaning to me.  

Here are a few examples of what came to me when I listened for God to speak to me.  Sometimes a Bible verse I had read would motivate me to begin as in this example:

(Psalm 94:19) When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.

(What I felt that God said to me) “You are bogged down by many worries, even though you know Me and My love.  It is because you are easily deceived by the world and influenced by appearances.  You think that your security is based on the physical.  But your security is found in Me.  You need to get that.”

Another time, this came to mind:

“Do not fret or worry.  Trust Me.  Remember Who I am, the One Who loves you, the One Who has brought you into existence, the One Who died and rose again to give you life.  I am your Father, you can count on Me.  You can trust in My love.  You can trust in My promises.  I forgive you for everything.  I give you eternal life.  In this world are struggles and difficulties.  You know that I overcame the world and I am in you to overcome the things that you face in this world.  You are made for My kingdom which is eternal and which will come at the appointed time.  Have faith in My words and feel my Spirit in you, which is love, joy, peace and all that is good.  Rejoice that you and yours belong to Me and My kingdom. All I have is shared with all My children.  My love is larger than all the oceans and more than every grain of sand, more than all the stars above and all the molecules of life.  Live in My love.”

And one more:

“Guess what? I want you to be happy!  This often surprises people as they grow in their awareness of Me.  Happiness is not something which I give you permission to have.  It is My will for you.  You were designed to experience true happiness, lasting happiness, unashamed happiness. The happiness that I am talking about is not the same as that derived from earthly pleasure.  It is not dependent on such pleasures in order to exist.  It comes from the relationship you have with Me and the outpouring of My love onto your life and relationships with others.  It is similar to joy but it is lighter.  None the less, happiness does have a place in My kingdom and in the hearts of My children.”

This last sample kind of surprised me as often the definition of happiness described by believers is more carnal, based on worldly accomplishments, material gain, etc.  But I’ve often thought about the definition of “blessed,” given in Strong’s Concordance of the Bible, which means “to be happy.”  And according to the Bible, God does want to bless us.  So I guess that means He wants us to be happy! Happy in a way that can’t be taken from us because it is rooted in something far greater and indestructible, the Creator of the universe, Who loves us and died for us to free us from the power of sin, that we may live forever with Him.  We may not always be happy because bad things happen in this world.  But I believe it is our destiny and God will continue to bring us true happiness as we spend time in His presence.

This writing exercise is something that anyone can do if they believe in the Lord Jesus, have 20 minutes of spare time, paper and a pen (or a device to type on!).  I have always spent some time in God’s Word before attempting this and think it is best to start with reading some Scripture.  So how about giving it a try?  Instead of reading someone else’s version of what God is saying to them, or someone’s devotional book, listen for God’s devotion to you.  Write it down, believe what comes to mind, remember it and treasure it.  My guess is that it will be more positive, uplifting and compassionate than you might expect.  It certainly was for me. 

Some people may worry and think, “What if it’s just my thoughts coming through?  How dare I think they are God’s thoughts?!”  To that I would say; do they match up with Scripture? If they are speaking truth, then why fear?  And if they are just human thoughts then so be it.  I would never be so bold as to claim that these are absolutely from God.  But if they do not contradict God’s Word, I do not think there is any harm in having what feels like a two-way conversation with God, especially if accompanied by His Word and prayer.

May God richly bless you in your adventure through life and may He inspire you to meet with Him regularly, hopefully for a joy-filled, two-way conversation!

 

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC

 

 

 

Reperspectivize: A Healthier Way to Deal with Stress

One's perspective is everything to how content or how well a person copes with life. Our perspective is how we see events in life and the conclusions we make about them. What we believe about every victory or every set back or every loss directly influences the level of stress we feel. Prolonged stress wears us down physically and mentally--even spiritually. It causes more aches and pains, weight gain, even depression and anxiety. If you allow for another way to frame these set-backs and losses you can actually reduce your stress level without changing anything that  is already beyond your control. 

My wife and I, like just about everybody else, love sunsets. On certain days I can enjoy a beautiful sunset from the west facing window in my office. Some days we might be driving and see a stunning display of oranges and yellows, purples and reds saturating the darkening sky but when we try to take a picture there are too many obstacles in our way--trees, hills, warehouses, malls, houses or whatever. Many times we have found ourselves racing the setting sun to find a place to park with an unobstructed view just to take a picture (and share with our Facebook friends). When we are successful, I'll be honest it can lead to near giddiness.  We don't let ourselves be too disappointed when we fail because we know there will be a lifetime of new chances to experience another stunner. 

If only each of us would put the same kind of effort to discover better views of life-moments. I admit there are many moments that take longer to find a better perspective but it is so worth it. I propose a new word: reperspectivize. This is when we allow ourselves to see these losses or set-backs differently. Honestly some losses might take years to discover a different view. 

It's the daily challenges however that have the power to maintain a constant sense of being stressed out. The way you see your job every day, the way you see a series of sleepless nights, even the way you continue to look at your hard to parent child or unhappy spouse all will either raise your level of discontent (usually paired with discouragement, irritability or a short fuse) or energize you to look for solutions or endure difficult times. 

I am not suggesting a fantasy world that denies hurts or whatever might be broken. A certain amount of stress can fire us up to confront what needs change or motivate us to accept what we cannot change for the moment. Searching for a new and improved perspective is often the difference between persistent anger and/or sadness or an initial wave of anger and sadness followed by a drive to overcome or recover--to fight if necessary. 

As many times as the sun sets, there are also opportunities to reperspectivize a failure, a conflict, a hurt or some bad news. Sometimes you have to drive around for a while and sometimes you might not see it but you try again the next day. If you can't see it differently you might call someone for help (a friend, a spouse, a counselor, a spiritual leader, etc.). Either way, your ability to reperspectivize will grow as you continue to look and as you continue to challenge and let go of your own conclusions about daily circumstances. 

Reperspectivize (ree-per-spek-tiv-ahyz)

--verb

to remedy a mental view or prospect

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

After School Conversation Starters

“Hey sweetie! How was school today?” 

“Good”….Silence. 

Sound familiar? Mid-August means that kids are returning to school once again, and the typical questions like, “How was your day at school?” are becoming a normal part of daily conversation. When asked that type of question, most kids respond with a one-word answer like “good” or “fine”. Did you have a good day today? “Yes/no.” Conversation over. You have reached a dead end. If you want to know about your child’s day, short answers like these can be quite frustrating. They provide little insight into how the day actually was for your child. They do not really allow for any shared understanding of what your child’s experience at school was like. 

Asking how was your day is not a bad question, but for some kids, this question is too vague. It is a question that allows for a simple and somewhat mechanical answer similar to when we ask someone about how they are doing. Some kids need prompts to engage in discussion. Other kids need to be given the space to talk. So instead of asking the typical how was your day question? What if you changed the wording? The goal is for you as a parent to gain a little bit of insight into your child’s world. Your child wants you to know about his or her day, but they need to be asked the right questions to open up. With the questions and prompts below, you are still essentially asking your child about the day, but you are providing a way into a deeper conversation. These questions open up the door for a child to talk about his or her day from a different angle. 

Give these prompts a try and see what happens! 

• Tell me about the coolest thing that you learned today. 
• What was the best part of your day today? 
• What was the most frustrating part of your day? 
• Who did you sit by during lunch? 
• What did you play at recess today? Did any of your friends play the same thing? 
• What was the funniest thing that happened at school? 
• What are you learning about in ________________ class? 
• What was the most boring part of your day? 
• What made you most excited at school? 
• What did your teacher spend the most time talking about today? 
• What made you feel proud during your day? 
• Tell me about something positive that happened today. 
• Tell me about something negative that happened today. 
• What kinds of things did you and your friends talk about or do today? 
• What made today different from yesterday? 

By: Amanda Paben, LPC

When You Want to Fight, Go and Write!

Writing can be a great therapeutic tool, especially when things are confusing and/or overwhelming.  I have found that many different forms of writing can be helpful; journaling my thoughts and feelings, writing my prayers to God, writing a letter to a longtime friend, or writing a letter I’ll never send.  One other writing form that may be long forgotten from elementary school is poetry.  

Remember learning how to write a limerick or Haiku?  Maybe yes, maybe no, but putting words to rhyme and rhythm can be fun, creative and take one’s mind off of the seemingly hopeless problem in front of you.  Here is a sample poem to show that it doesn’t have to be as clever as that of Dr. Seuss or as moving as an Edgar Allen Poe.  It’s for your own enjoyment, catharsis and inspiration.  And you never know, a poem you write could bring hope to someone else if you share it with them.  Or it can just be kept for a rainy day to lift your own spirits and chase the blues away!

Finding Hope

When life is hard as it often might be

Take a break with the Lord instead of TV

Pour your heart out to Him

Read His Word to find hope

And pray that He’ll give you the power to cope.   

After taking some time to be quiet before Him

Rise up where you are 

Trust The Bright Morning Star

He will lead and will guide as you go through the day

You’ll have faith to believe that you’ll be okay.    

For time has a way of changing what is

Holding on is the key, if you wait you will see.

For our God is above and around us each day

Bringing light in the darkness

And making a way

To weather the storms of this life as it is

Knowing what is to come is much better than this!

By: Francine Costanza, LCPC                                                                                                                                                 

Challenging The Negative Within

Everyone has experiences good and bad.  Everyone has trials and difficulties.  For some, these experiences, trials and difficulties shape them negatively.  Does this sound familiar?  Are you consistently down about the the negativity in your past that your experience of the present is tainted?  Or do you have anxiety about the future, making it difficult to stay in the present?

We do not have to be defined by our past mistakes but the negative voice within tends to make a compelling argument.  That argument our negative voice provides however, does not ever give a full picture of ourself.  In fact, it often times, taints and twists the truth.  It judges much more harshly than we would judge anyone else.  

The negative voice doesn’t just point back to mistakes in our past, it also makes us look ahead to future events and proceeds to tell us we will find a way to fail.  It tells us we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough, etc.  Simply asking the question, “I am anxious about this because I fear I am ___(worthless, a failure, weak, etc.)__,” helps to get a better sense of the negative belief we are holding onto.  

Once you identify the negative (and more often than not, untrue) belief, you can then challenge it.  “I am not worthless… here are some reasons why.”  Many times our negative thoughts go unchallenged.  They pass through our mind and are quickly accepted as truth because that is what we have told ourselves for many years (or perhaps it was told to you by someone else.)

Identify the negative thought, challenge it, and minimize the negatively within!

By: Nicholas Smith, LCPC

The Most Effective Ways to Influence

Do you ever find yourself feeling unheard? Have you ever thought you provided great advice only for it to fall on seemingly deaf ears? Oftentimes the problem is due to a lack of influence on your part.  There are always going to be people in your life that will not be influenced by you no matter how impressive your advice is. In these cases, it’s best just to accept that that is the way THEY are.  For everybody else, there is still a significant challenge to be consistently heard when you share concerns or advice.  However, with this group of people, there are sound strategies that will help increase your ability to influence them when needed. Here are some components to think about when developing your strategies to be more influential. 

There are a few reasons people don’t hear or follow through on great advice. Perhaps the bigger ones have something to do with trust and/or safety.  A not-to-influenceable  person might simply have good boundaries and because of some already completed thought-work have made up his or her mind. Others might not trust you or believe you are a safe person to listen to.  This might not be due to what you have done but more because of that person’s past.  Because of certain experiences from our past we either raise a shield to keep people out or we are open to a variety of feedback from others. The higher a person’s defenses the less likely they will allow outside feedback. 

It is always a good idea to evaluate how defensive someone is. If a person seems defensive and you come along and accuse them of being defensive, the end result is probably going to be defensiveness about being defensive. The harder you push, the higher the walls. Save your energy. Find ways to ease the perceived threat. Escalating verbal arguments are not only going to be counterproductive but damaging to whatever trust/safety factor there was. When I sense someone is being defensive, I will in fact check with them by stating something like, ‘you seem a bit defensive with what I am saying, is that true?’  If they deny being defensive, it might be true. Be prepared to accept that your initial evaluation was off. If you are still convinced of this person’s defensiveness, it’s time for a different strategy. 

Don’t rush. Building trust and safety takes time. You can make progress in one conversation simply by showing respect and patience for a person. I encourage you to see building trust and safety as more of a long-term process however. Think of it like applying paint.  The thicker you apply it, the more likely the finish will be bad.  Spreading in thinner coats takes time. The first coat will look unfinished (because it is unfinished). Sometimes there is a need for primer with sanding and prep work before you get to the first or next coat.  Each patient application improves the finish but you might need several coats. My dad used to paint cars in his business and I remember some paints required more than eight separate coats of paint with fine sanding between them. Every time you provide an interaction that is safe and trustworthy, it is a coat of paint. Layer on many more until you have a solid (and shiny) covering of trust and safety. 

Trustworthiness requires consistency.  If you are patient, truthful and respectful 70 times in a row and then have one angry outburst or one critical and sarcastic moment, your trust will take a hit.  Here are some traits that will sabotage your trust and safety work: abrasiveness, dishonesty, shaming, accusing, rejecting, gossip or a loose tongue, excessive volume (they might think you are shouting even if you don’t think you are), etc.  I am sure you could add a few more traits to this list. As you evaluate someone you are trying to influence for defensiveness you will notice some of your own traits that promote defensiveness. Be willing to learn from these personal self-observations. It will help you develop influence with more and more people. 

On the flip side there are also certain traits that promote hearing. Here is a starter list for you to consider: caring, thoughtful, make people laugh, knowledgeable, strong and integral faith, empathy, gentle, passionate, consistent and present. These traits expressed consistently over months and years will undoubtedly grow your influence over that same span of time. Openness to your thoughts and expressions might not be possible with a particular person after a week or a month or even this year but again, consistently being safe and trustworthy raises your chances while lowering any person’s defenses at the same time (with time of course). 

By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC