.jpg)
I’m going to confess something to you. I’m a bit of a control freak. It’s not that I need to have a perfectly clean house, or perfectly behaved kids. I’ve given up on those quite a while ago. But I do need this sense that I am in control, that I can handle this, whatever this may be in the moment. My husband laughs about how, earlier in our marriage, I would be putzing around the house, preparing to go to bed. As soon as he would say to me, “Go to bed!” I would bristle and say “Don’t tell me what to do!” and find some excuse to stay up for another half an hour. He’d laugh at his little joke, knowing full well that I was tired, but that I couldn’t relinquish control enough to go, just because he told me to. I’m getting a bit better (it took me a while, but I learned that not going to bed was actually letting him control me!), but I still wrestle with trying to control things when the going gets tough.
Do you ever struggle with control in your relationships? When things seem out of control: our kids are not listening, our spouse is pulling away, our jobs are on the line, the tendency is to try harder, control more, grasp at whatever you can and hold on with all your might. Maybe it’s nagging your husband to get things done around the house. Maybe it’s criticizing your wife for the extra 10 pounds she’s put on. It could be that you are yelling at your subordinates at work because you fear your boss is going to yell at you. Or maybe your kids are just too noisy, too messy, too needy, and you make sure you let them know.
We fear losing control, but the truth is, the more we try to control the people around us, the more we lose them. Instead of doing as we say, they recoil at our attempt to manipulate them. Like I did when my husband told me to go to bed, we end up fighting against the person who is trying to control us, even when what they are telling us really is what we need. Let’s use a metaphor to help make this point more clear.
Right about now, we are all planning or at least dreaming about summer vacations. Imagine you are fortunate enough to take a trip to the beach. Feel the warm sand beneath your bare feet. Doesn’t that feel nice? Now reach down and pick some up. You love this moment, this beach, this sand. You never want to let it go. Clutch it tightly in your fist. What is happening? That’s right, it’s all slipping between your tightly clenched knuckles. Open your hand, and you are lucky to have half of what you had before.
Now, reach down and pick up some more sand. This time, gently cup it in your hand. How much are you able to hold on to now? You may lose a few grains, but overall, the sand is staying put. You can now carry it back to your spacious beach house and have the maid put it into a lovely container to take it home with you. (Hey, if we’re dreaming up a vacation, let’s dream big!) By holding on loosely, you were able to keep that what was precious to you.
The same is true in our relationships. Hold on too tightly, and the person you love will squirm right out of your arms. Let up on your need to control, and you will find them cooperating with you much more effectively.
What does this look like in everyday relationships? It means making requests, not giving demands. It means asking that something be completed in a reasonable time frame, not right this second. It’s listening, not just talking and barking orders. It’s making space for the people that you love. Perhaps it’s being 5 minutes late, without giving a lecture. Or bailing someone out of a foolish mistake, without making them feel foolish. In short, it’s showing people the grace and respect that we would like them to be giving to us. It’s treating people the way we want to be treated. Can we all agree to put that on our summer to-do list this year? Learn to unclench that fist just a little, and stop trying to control the people we love. In return, they will be able to love us back more genuinely, and we will all be happier for it.
After all, isn’t that what we really want?
In addition to counseling kids, teens and families at Heritage Counseling Center, Rachael blogs at http://mommylcsw.blogspot.com about Christian parenting, and how to be a Good Enough Parent.
No comments:
Post a Comment