(This article was originally published at http://mommylcsw.blogspot.com/ and published here with the author's permission. Rachael DeWitt is a licensed clinical social worker at Heritage Counseling, also leading her "hard-2-parent" parenting group called NOISE starting back up this Fall. For more information, please go to our Group Therapy section.)
Dear Weary Mom,
Around here, we talk about Hard to Parent Kids. You know the ones. They often have more letters after their name than a college professor: ADHD, OCD, ODD, ASD, GAD, PITA. If you're not familiar with that last one, it's courtesy of my hair dresser, and stands for Pain In The Appendix. (She may have used a different body part for that A!). Others refer to them as stubborn, strong-willed, difficult, special needs, or just plain bad. These kids defy all the rules and all the advice in those parenting books. If you're a parent of one of these treasures, you know it. And I'm sure more than once, some well-meaning relative has told you that if they took your child home with them for a week, they could straighten them out for you. In fact, I wrote a whole blog post on the well-meaning-but-not-at-all-helpful things others say to poor weary mamas like you.
When I see you at the store, enduring tantrums when you won't buy yet another Star Wars toy, I want to walk up to you and put my hand on your shoulder. I want to whisper in your ear that you are doing a good job! You are a warrior! But since we don't know each other, I'm pretty sure that would be weird, and at least a little creepy. So this letter will have to do instead. I am writing to you today, poor weary mama, to let you know a few things. You are not alone, you are not to blame, and you are loved.
I want you to know how many parents I have seen in my office as a social worker who are just like you. Wondering where they went wrong. Feeling alone and isolated. Wondering how this is affecting their other kids. Needing a break, but not being able to find a sitter who can handle their Hard to Parent Kid. Even relatives get burnt out or make excuses! Thinking that no one else is going thru what they are going thru.
But that, dear weary one, is a lie. There are whole books about kids like yours! I started a parenting group, called NOISE, because it is my heart's desire to reach out to parents like you, and introduce you to other parents like you. We need each other, we need to know that this is normal, to feel OK about our families. If you live near Plainfield, Illinois, check out that link and consider joining the group! If not, I encourage you to seek out other parents with H2P kids, people who can relate to what you are going through! Find a support group, even if it's online. Easy to Love But Hard To Raise
is one example of such a group.
I came up with the term Hard to Parent when starting the group, because it describes what is going on without assigning blame. I am not interested in labeling "difficult kids" or "bad parents." I'm guessing you are not, either. Let's face it, some kids come into this world with more challenging behaviors than others. Babies with health challenges, who cry day and night, or who resist being held. Many of these kids outgrow their difficulties. Many do not. They just change how they are presenting. It's not their fault they were born this way.
Neither is it your fault. Unless you were reckless in pregnancy, chances are that you did not harm your baby in utero. That glass of wine in your 1st trimester before you knew you were pregnant did not do this to your child. He's not still hyper because of the coffee you drank to cope with those sleepless nights while breast feeding. Choosing to bottle-feed instead is not responsible, either. This is not cosmic payback for your own naughty childhood, no matter what your mother says! We live in a fallen world. Our kids are fallen, too. Sometimes, it just is, and we will never know why. Learn to be ok with that. Knowing why isn't usually helpful, anyway.
However they got here, they are challenging! They require a specialized skill set to parent. Hence, Hard to Parent Kids. No blame, just the facts.
Lastly, you are loved. Treasured, even. The bible says that God is close to the broken hearted. (Psalm 34:18) Who is more broken hearted than the mother of an H2P kid? Broken hearted at every invitation she doesn't get, and every referral slip she does. Every milestone missed or fought for. Every hour spent fighting over homework that could be completed in 10 minutes if only he would get started! Every carefully planned family outing that ends in tantrums and tears.
Yes, God is close, dear weary one, even when you don't feel him there. Even when you question, "Why?" Even when you lash out at him in anger. Not only is he close, but he loves. He rejoices over you with singing. He comforts you with his love (Zephaniah 3:17). Lean into him, leave your weariness behind. He sees, he knows, he comforts, and he loves.
Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I came up with the term Hard to Parent when starting the group, because it describes what is going on without assigning blame. I am not interested in labeling "difficult kids" or "bad parents." I'm guessing you are not, either. Let's face it, some kids come into this world with more challenging behaviors than others. Babies with health challenges, who cry day and night, or who resist being held. Many of these kids outgrow their difficulties. Many do not. They just change how they are presenting. It's not their fault they were born this way.
Neither is it your fault. Unless you were reckless in pregnancy, chances are that you did not harm your baby in utero. That glass of wine in your 1st trimester before you knew you were pregnant did not do this to your child. He's not still hyper because of the coffee you drank to cope with those sleepless nights while breast feeding. Choosing to bottle-feed instead is not responsible, either. This is not cosmic payback for your own naughty childhood, no matter what your mother says! We live in a fallen world. Our kids are fallen, too. Sometimes, it just is, and we will never know why. Learn to be ok with that. Knowing why isn't usually helpful, anyway.
However they got here, they are challenging! They require a specialized skill set to parent. Hence, Hard to Parent Kids. No blame, just the facts.
Lastly, you are loved. Treasured, even. The bible says that God is close to the broken hearted. (Psalm 34:18) Who is more broken hearted than the mother of an H2P kid? Broken hearted at every invitation she doesn't get, and every referral slip she does. Every milestone missed or fought for. Every hour spent fighting over homework that could be completed in 10 minutes if only he would get started! Every carefully planned family outing that ends in tantrums and tears.
Yes, God is close, dear weary one, even when you don't feel him there. Even when you question, "Why?" Even when you lash out at him in anger. Not only is he close, but he loves. He rejoices over you with singing. He comforts you with his love (Zephaniah 3:17). Lean into him, leave your weariness behind. He sees, he knows, he comforts, and he loves.
Rejoicing together in the love that never fails,
Rachael
Mommy, LCSW
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