Why Am I Always Angry?

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

   Have you ever been told that you are an angry person?  Perhaps this wasn’t anything that you didn’t already know and actually were a little hurt (or angry) that you are constantly reminded of your faults. 

   Stay tuned—here is some insight that can help you reduce your anger. 

   One question for you though: 

   Do you have anxiety?  Anxiety here is simply an umbrella term that could include insecurity, worry or fear.  Anxiety very quickly leads to angry feelings.  In my experience many chronically angry people have underlying fear or worry.  If you think about it from a purely physiological standpoint, the physical symptoms of anxiety and anger are nearly identical.  When you are very anxious you can have tension in your face, neck, shoulders, stomach, back or more.  Your face gets red, palms get sweaty and your fingers and toes start to feel like they are falling asleep or a hundred little pin sticks and your heart feels like it is going to beat itself out of your chest (at its worst).  Guess what anger feels like.   

   This is that old fight or flight response to fear only without the flight.  When you are perpetually anxious, it only makes sense that you begin to feel perpetually angry.  If your angry feelings are rooted in anxiety, it’s important to treat your anxiety.   

   I was talking to a friend the other day who lives in Colorado only five miles from the fires that burned over 500 homes. In fact—true story—I happened to call him when he and his family were packing their van getting ready to evacuate their neighborhood.  Of course, we decided to talk later when everyone was safe.  As we were chatting a few days later, he pointed me to this video showing how firefighters save a house.  It was dramatic but a great illustration of how to begin to treat anxiety. 

   The firefighters first created a boundary around the house by digging a small dirt path separating the house from the surrounding property.  The property was full of trees and pine needles—lots of fuel for the fire.  I would have run around trying to put the fire out with my garden hose.  These firefighters stood at the boundary and let the fire essentially blow right by the house.  They only addressed the flames close but earlier had removed any of the potential fuel (lawn furniture, toys, garbage, firewood, etc.) to a safe place from the fire.  Amazing picture!  The fire burned all of the grass and passed through without damage to this particular house.  The boundary was effective and because the firefighters didn’t go off trying to put out the flames outside the boundary, they had enough resources (water, energy, strength, etc.) to protect the house. 

   Here’s my point.  When we spend all of our resources trying to put out fires outside healthier boundaries, we run out of the necessary resources to stay safe (and cool).  When you are anxious, you try to control as many aspects of your life (and others' lives) as you can.  The problem here is that it’s more than you can actually control and then while trying harder to control more, you begin to feel frustrated and angry all while actually losing it (self-control that is).  Can I encourage you to make an honest assessment of your boundary?  Here are some things that tend to fuel our anxiety AND our anger: 

   Managing other people’s feelings and opinions.  People, including our own children, spouses, and other family members or friends are going to have their own feelings and opinions.  Because they are angry (or anxious) doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be about you—even if they say it is about you.  I heard a long time ago (and I believe it) that 90 percent of how someone reacts to you or others is about their own issues.  Of course the same is true about you so the key is to focus on your 90 percent.  It is also possible that their opinion might have some useful nuggets of instruction or insight for you even if it is not all completely accurate.  Give the people around you the freedom to emote and opine as they wish.  We are all deeply feeling and opinionated people.  Some people merely express more openly and this is good.  Let go of this control in your life.  In fact, the more you cross these types of boundaries, the more you will fuel your own anxiety and anger.   

   Assessing other’s motivations is a twin sibling to this point.  Have you ever caught yourself being angry because you were convinced someone acted a certain way for a reason you didn’t like?  Think about this for a moment.  Spend a week making a mental note every time you catch yourself reacting to what you believe someone’s motives are.  Aside from the fact that you cannot control another person’s motives (therefore a pointless exercise), you most likely are reading their minds through the distorted filter of your own insecure or anxious 90 percent.  Call the fire department! 

   Overmanaging your own household (perhaps obsessively).  I love a spotless house with everything in its place.  However when there are other people living with you, it is impossible to control everyone enough to keep the house clean and organized enough to tame your anxiety.  Manage what you can but within limits.  You might need to read a good parenting book to have more effective limits for your children or you might need to put down the sword (or frying pan) in order to establish more peaceful conversations with your spouse, but your attempts to control so many aspects of their lives will only add more fuel to your red hot anger.  Ask yourself, what is more important to you? A pristine house running on perfect military time or better relationships that eventually could help you relax and experience a level of contentment.   

   Anxiety can be paralyzing and there are times when the single best thing to do is not to fight or flight but simply to wait until it passes.  Focus your thoughts on non-anxiety producing topics (your happy place?).  Seriously, check your pulse, notice your breathing and wait until your pulse slows a bit and your breathing is a little deeper and methodical.  Inhale so your stomach rises not your chest (breath in deeply) and then exhale sloooowly (10 to 20 seconds).  Trust me on this…doing more, controlling more, escalating your thoughts more will only lead to more anxiety and anger.   

   The apostle Paul admitted he had anxiety and gave wise advice.  Here are a few of his insights and teachings: Pray over your anxieties, give thanks and then focus on what is excellent (Philippians 4).  Paul wisely knows that our prayers should not obsess on our anxieties but should move to thanksgiving and better things. Be devoted to one another in love. (Romans 12)  Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs nor does it control others (1 Corinthians 13).  Self-control is a fruit of the spirit so be filled with the spirit (Galatians 5).  If your enemy is hungry, feed him…overcome evil with good (Romans 12). 

   Oh yeah, Paul also knew that our anger can be destructive so resolve it quickly. Speak the truth in love (not harshly) to promote honest, peaceful relationships (Ephesians).   

   Finally, what I am talking about here is a process that will help you reduce your anxiety and anger over time.  Begin today and you will have better days, but also days when you will feel like a failure.  Go back to waiting and resist the temptation to go back to controlling and excessive escalating thoughts.  ‘Over time’ is a serious point to remember.  Don’t forget to ask for help when needed.  It took several firefighters to manage a blaze. 

Digital Distraction

By Farah Harris, LPC

   I appreciate cell phones, especially smart ones. They allow me to make calls, pay bills, navigate trips, surf the web for great restaurants, stay current with all the “happenings” in social media. I can even type notes, take pictures, listen to music, make videos; it’s a mini-genius-computer in your hand! But I have to be honest with you. I have become increasingly annoyed by something else these so-called “smart” phones do --- disconnect us. 

   

   These wonderfully cool gadgets connect us to everything and everyone in the world except for the person (or people) who are right in front of you. Like right now, you are probably reading this on your phone when you actually could be actively listening to the person who you are with. There have been countless times when my husband and I are supposed to be having a conversation with each other, but instead we find ourselves distracted by our phones. We are constantly checking to see if we’ve gotten a new text message or email from one of our staff members from our respective ministries, looking at the latest status updates from friends and family on Facebook, and for him, scrolling through endless tweets from people he has never met. And I’m embarrassed to say, that sometimes it is our darling two year old who reminds us that we are not paying attention to him because we are too busy playing with our grown-up toys.

   Phones are supposed to help us connect with people, not be the catalyst for disconnection. But unfortunately they are. I realize that I am not alone in this and I have had individuals and couples come into my office and share with me their frustrations of not being able to connect with their partner, friend, or family member. When asked to describe a date night for instance, the activity is often a check in the box more so than an actual time to check-in. Partners find themselves recreating their home life (i.e. distracted by the phone) just in a different environment. This is unacceptable. 

   

   We all desire to be fully seen, heard and known. It is already hard enough to fight through peoples' presuppositions, the monotony of life, and our own insecurities, why let technology create another barrier?! We know that relationships are important and they need to be tended to. And it is careless of us to not fully engage with our present company.

   Time flies, and it flies quicker when you aren’t paying attention to the here-and-now. Being distracted affects how you relate to others and does not allow you to fully experience the present. You don't want to be the person that wonders if you would have spent half the time and energy being fully focused on the face-to-face than Facebook, if your relationship would have stayed intact.

   

   My husband and I are working on leaving our phones in another room so we can better concentrate on each other and our son. My son isn't going to be two forever (thank God!), but I would hate to regret that I didn't fully commit to the precious moments I do have with him. There will be plenty of moments as a mom that will make me feel guilty. Not turning off the phone to watch him do something fabulous won't be one of them.

Hold on Loosely

By Rachael DeWitt, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

   I’m going to confess something to you. I’m a bit of a control freak. It’s not that I need to have a perfectly clean house, or perfectly behaved kids. I’ve given up on those quite a while ago. But I do need this sense that I am in control, that I can handle this, whatever this may be in the moment. My husband laughs about how, earlier in our marriage, I would be putzing around the house, preparing to go to bed. As soon as he would say to me, “Go to bed!” I would bristle and say “Don’t tell me what to do!” and find some excuse to stay up for another half an hour. He’d laugh at his little joke, knowing full well that I was tired, but that I couldn’t relinquish control enough to go, just because he told me to. I’m getting a bit better (it took me a while, but I learned that not going to bed was actually letting him control me!), but I still wrestle with trying to control things when the going gets tough.

   Do you ever struggle with control in your relationships? When things seem out of control: our kids are not listening, our spouse is pulling away, our jobs are on the line, the tendency is to try harder, control more, grasp at whatever you can and hold on with all your might. Maybe it’s nagging your husband to get things done around the house. Maybe it’s criticizing your wife for the extra 10 pounds she’s put on. It could be that you are yelling at your subordinates at work because you fear your boss is going to yell at you. Or maybe your kids are just too noisy, too messy, too needy, and you make sure you let them know.

   We fear losing control, but the truth is, the more we try to control the people around us, the more we lose them. Instead of doing as we say, they recoil at our attempt to manipulate them. Like I did when my husband told me to go to bed, we end up fighting against the person who is trying to control us, even when what they are telling us really is what we need. Let’s use a metaphor to help make this point more clear.

   Right about now, we are all planning or at least dreaming about summer vacations. Imagine you are fortunate enough to take a trip to the beach. Feel the warm sand beneath your bare feet. Doesn’t that feel nice? Now reach down and pick some up. You love this moment, this beach, this sand. You never want to let it go. Clutch it tightly in your fist. What is happening? That’s right, it’s all slipping between your tightly clenched knuckles. Open your hand, and you are lucky to have half of what you had before.

   Now, reach down and pick up some more sand. This time, gently cup it in your hand. How much are you able to hold on to now? You may lose a few grains, but overall, the sand is staying put. You can now carry it back to your spacious beach house and have the maid put it into a lovely container to take it home with you. (Hey, if we’re dreaming up a vacation, let’s dream big!) By holding on loosely, you were able to keep that what was precious to you.

   The same is true in our relationships. Hold on too tightly, and the person you love will squirm right out of your arms. Let up on your need to control, and you will find them cooperating with you much more effectively.

   What does this look like in everyday relationships? It means making requests, not giving demands. It means asking that something be completed in a reasonable time frame, not right this second. It’s listening, not just talking and barking orders. It’s making space for the people that you love. Perhaps it’s being 5 minutes late, without giving a lecture. Or bailing someone out of a foolish mistake, without making them feel foolish. In short, it’s showing people the grace and respect that we would like them to be giving to us. It’s treating people the way we want to be treated. Can we all agree to put that on our summer to-do list this year? Learn to unclench that fist just a little, and stop trying to control the people we love. In return, they will be able to love us back more genuinely, and we will all be happier for it.

   After all, isn’t that what we really want?


In addition to counseling kids, teens and families at Heritage Counseling Center, Rachael blogs at http://mommylcsw.blogspot.com about Christian parenting, and how to be a Good Enough Parent.