What to do When You are Starting to Resent Your Child #ParentsNoise

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC 

Regular, developmentally predictable parenting has its usual challenges and by itself is stressful at times. There are some parents however who would be envious of these typical challenges. These parents deal with a child's mental illness, self-injury, extreme forms of manipulations, academic failure and defiance (to name only a few).
These are the kind of challenges that cause sleep deprivation, lots of family and marital conflict, anxiety, guilt and more. Furthermore a hard to parent child is expensive. There is more medical and psychological treatment costs, legal expenses, extra tutoring and many other unexpected financial obligations. If you are one of these parents you might be struggling with resentment of your beloved child.

First of all, to admit that your child has been and is hard to parent is not demeaning either to you or your child. Of course I don't recommend you tell this child he or she is hard to parent (that might be demeaning). If this is your reality there is little gained in trying to deny or sugarcoat it. To have supportive conversations with your spouse and a small, trusted and wise circle can and does lead to more effective parenting and coping strategies. If you are hiding your struggles you might be settling for more of the same misery and/or conflict with your child for a longer period of time.

Here are some suggestions to help you forge a path with your son or daughter and overcome the guilt, shame and resentment you might feel burdened with.

1) Compliance is not the first order of business. Sometimes when we as parents are overwhelmed with the fear we are losing our kid to whatever monsterlike attributes they are displaying we will do anything for a win. This can lead us to escalate with the child using all kinds of angry emotional consequences. The major problem here is that longterm effects will sabotage any immediate victories.

Your child learns to be defensive towards you rather than look at himself as the problem. This is a very important principle in dealing with a child being difficult. The more defensive he/she is the less teachable.
I am not suggesting permissiveness here. Take this approach instead: Give your child clear and reasonable consequences in your most compassionate yet firm voice. Make sure it is a consequence you can actually give then EXPECT their resistance. As long as your child does not have the power to exasperate you or provoke you to be monsterlike yourself, you have self-control. Your self-control is far more important than your ability to control your child.

Please do not misunderstand me. If your child is acting out in such a way that is dangerous you need to take some control--but in a self-controlled manner. Also don't forget your gracious and compassionate tone.

2) Cultivating thoughtfulness and self-awareness is your first priority. The reason compliance is not the first goal is because you want to help your child be more thoughtful, moreover, aware of their own thoughts, reactive feelings, and choices. If you set the consequences graciously and to the best of your ability and then keep your own anger and reactiveness out of the way your child will learn to make choices with a clearer head.

At first he or she will probably choose the consequences. If this happens, simply enforce the consequence firmly BUT (this is key) empathetically. That's right, feel with them the disappointment of what they are about to lose because of their own decision or reaction. Show them you care and are understanding of their discomfort.

This sincere demonstration accomplishes two things. One, it will help her or him mitigate defensiveness. Remember that insight and awareness are precluded by defensiveness. Eventually when your child sees you really do care and are not just getting payback for what they did to you (all those harsh names you were called or the inconveniences you suffered) defensiveness will start to subside. Then he will be more likely to look in the mirror and see how he is causing problems for himself.

Secondly, your empathy will help mitigate your own feelings of guilt, shame or resentment. The Bible says things like "do not repay evil for evil" or "a soft answer turns away wrath". You will feel more compassion for your child and less shame for yourself when you reduce the number of people acting out in the house by at least the number of parents in the house.

3) Stick to your program. Oftentimes when one's plans don't work a parent will give up and go back to those easy but angry and controlling wins. Let your values lead you not the moments of defeat. If your value is to love your child (and I am sure it is) then hold to this tremendous value. If you do not want your child to be a reactive adult then hold to this thoughtful program even when your child is escalating. Let your reasonable consequences do the work. When the defiant child is pretending the consequences are no big deal, it's okay. Stay with it calmly, firmly and empathetically. This is a slow but powerful process. 

4) Join a group of parents like yourself. This group of parents will offer support, positive feedback, inspiration and motivation. You won't feel alone anymore and together you can strategize more effective ways to cope and parent.  I saved this point for last not as a less important point but to emphasize it.  All too often I see parents trying to go it alone.

Our culture discourages interdependence like we all should somehow figure it out alone. This is not a good strategy when it comes to raising hard to parent kids. I don't believe it necessarily takes a village to raise a child but it definitely takes connected parents. Many people have grandparents and uncles to help but if this isn't possible or not a good idea in your case connect with a group.

A great deal of chaotic NOISE can be disorienting. Have you ever told your kids to be quiet in the car when you were lost or trying to navigate through a big city or perhaps a place where you were anxious? You asked for quiet, maybe even begged for quiet so you could simply concentrate and get through. When your child is acting out and there is this chaotic NOISE it can be disorienting in your own home with your own children. This is precisely why a strong, supportive group of other like-situated parents is important. Together you can overcome the NOISE.

Actually in my own practice, I lead a group called NOISE (every Tuesday evening) specifically for parents of hard-to-parent kids (ages 8-18). It exists because in every community there are parents struggling with fear, resentment or even hopelessness regarding their behaviorally challenged child. The NOISE in their homes truly is deafening and disorienting certain days or moments and they need not go it alone any longer.

If you are struggling with resentment towards your child, get connected and consider the kind of strategy changes needed to help your child become more and more aware of her own self-sabotaging choices and reactions.

I would welcome your feedback and/or questions to this article. Any discussion that ensues can serve as a start to your getting connected.