Researchers suggest that loneliness is becoming more common in the United States. In 1984, a poll showed that respondents most frequently reported having three close confidants, compared to the same poll taken in 2004, where the most common response was zero confidants. This appears to be an unfortunate trend. Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but rather the quality, having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind.
“No man is an island.” Sound familiar? I was just watching a movie where the author of this was quoted as Jon Bon Jovi! How funny is that? The actual author is John Donne. It is not just a quote, but also a poem.
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
In today’s world it sometimes feels like this statement has no place. I mean we live in a world where we could hold up in our home by ourselves indefinitely. Quite frankly we already may be living this way.
Independence is valued. Strength in ourselves is rewarded. We are taught these characteristics from a young age and it continues through our lifetime. There is only one problem with this type of teaching. We weren’t made to be completely independent, an island on our own. We were meant to be in relationship with others and to be interdependent or as Dunne says, “a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”
The result of being an island on your own can often result in loneliness and isolation. We live hectic busy lifestyles that do not allow the needed time to devote to our personal relationships. Technology gives us the illusion, that we are “in” relationship with people, we text, tweet, instagram and Facebook, which in and of themselves can be means of communication but they can’t be our only means. No one just drops by anymore, in fact that may be seem as rude or an intrusion.
So what to you think? Is no man an island to himself or is man an island to himself? It is a real question to consider. In the movie “About A Boy,” Hugh Grant portrays a character that believes he is an island to himself and in the beginning of the movie appears to be quite happy with this lifestyle. He says, “All men are islands and this is the time to be one. You used to have to depend on others but now you can make your own island paradise,” but upon meeting a young boy his life begins to change. Slowly, Grant’s character, Will, begins to be pulled towards relationships, out of isolation and self-centeredness.
Will didn’t see a need for others; in fact he believes them to be a liability. If a man is an island then you can visit but certainly not move to his island. He believes himself to be happy and content, but what about lonely? I think that would have been a good question. The movie doesn’t specifically address the term loneliness but at the end of the movie, clearly Will begins to see the need for others in his life. He gives in to that natural homing device God has placed in all of us, that device that gets activated at one point or another, and once it gets turned on nothing appears the same. We yearn and long for relationship, for community, to be part of something or someone.
At the end of the movie Will says, “Every man is an island, but clearly some men are part of island chains, below the surface of the ocean they are actually connected.” It reminds me of Dunne’s poem, “Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” It also reminds me that in the beginning scripture tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.” God was not just specifically talking about Adam, but mankind as well, human beings are not meant to be alone, to be islands unto themselves, but as Will stated, and Dunn as well, “part of island chains, a piece of the continent.”
If we are not “part of something” we run the risk of being lonely, and “part of something” is more then what technology offers us. Part of something means part of someone else’s life. People who know us and care. People we hang out with beyond our smartphones.
Loneliness does not just affect our mental health. Chicago author and psychologist, John Cacioppo said that loneliness effects both our physical and mental health:
- Depression and suicide
- Cardiovascular disease and stroke
- Increased stress levels
- Decreased memory and learning
- Antisocial behavior
- Poor decision-making
- Alcoholism and drug abuse
- The progression of Alzheimer's disease
- Altered brain function
If you find yourself feeling lonely, know that it is a red flag that says something may need to change or if you think you are an island unto yourself I encourage you to rethink that mind set. Some changes that you can take are and question you might want to ask are:
- Not replacing real face-to-face friends exclusively with technological friends, i.e.: Facebook, text, etc.
- Make time to meet with people and call them to talk.
- Begin to process what interdependent means for your life. Do you even agree with interdependence versus independence? What would it mean for you not to be totally independent?
- Talk with someone you trust or consult a therapist regarding the changes you would like to see in your life.
- Focus on developing quality relationships with like-minded people.
- Lonely people often expect to be rejected. Focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.
Remember that change does not happen over night and everyone does feel lonely from time to time, even those who are not “island unto themselves.” It is not about ridding loneliness completely from our lives, but rather making healthy changes and experiencing quality relationships in our lives.
By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW
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