This week, Amanda Paben has some great practical ways we can show our children love in a way that will be meaningful and specific to their specific needs. Here is what she has to say:
February seems to be the month where special attention is paid to the topic of love. Stores are filled with heart shaped candy and decorations; commercials on television are more sappy than usual, and news programs spend airtime focusing on relationships do’s and don’ts. While the spotlight on love during the month of February seems a little cheesy and blown out of proportion, taking time to think about the ways that love is shown to those we care about is a worthwhile endeavor.
The need to be loved is one of the most significant needs a child has. Children enter the world completely dependent upon their parents to fulfill every single need imaginable. From dirty diapers, to feedings, to soothing tears, parents are completely responsible for their newborn child; the child’s life depends upon it. Fulfilling the child’s needs does not stop once they move out of the newborn and toddler stage; the needs simply shift, but the need to be loved and accepted remains the same. Studies show that children who do not grow up in a loving environment may fail to thrive. Though their basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing are met, the lack of love leaves children cold, distant, and emotionally drained. Understanding how to make sure a child feels loved is crucial for parents to understand because children who feel loved and accepted have a stronger attachment to their parents and grow up to be more well-adjusted adults. A child who feels loved will have a stronger relationship with parents.
I have never met a parent who openly tells me that they do not love their child. In fact, I would be concerned if I met such a parent. Parents tend to love their children before they even meet them in person. However, I have met PLENTY of kids and teenagers who do not feel loved by their parents. Sure, they will tell me their parents say they love them, but when it comes to actually feeling loved, something is lost in translation. When I talk with parents about their child’s feelings, I am met with perplexed looks and statements like, “Of course I love my child. How in the world do they not feel that?” Most parents are horrified to find out that their child does not feel loved. The problem is not that parents do not love their children, I am sure they do; the problem is that the parents are not conveying their love in a language that the child understands. Like I said earlier, love is a need, and this need is filled in different ways for each person. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell in their book The 5 Love Languages of Children write:
In raising children, everything depends on the love relationship between the parent and child. Nothing works well if a child’s love needs are not met. Only the child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best. You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it –unless you speak the love language that communicates to her your love—she will not feel loved.
Parents can sometimes make the mistake of assuming that their child knows he or she is loved. Saying “I love you” is different from feeling loved. If a parent’s actions do not exhibit love, children will not feel loved. If love is given on conditional terms, a child learns that love is based upon behavior or mood, and the child’s need will not be met. An adolescent who only hears their parents complaining about his behavior will not feel loved by a parent even if that parent says I love you.
Each person gives and receives love in unique ways. Some people may even give love using a particular love language but receive love in a completely different one. Children are no different. This is the premise of Chapman and Campbell’s 5 Love Languages. Understanding the different ways those closest to you give and receive love makes it easier to fill up a person’s love-tank. So what are these love languages you ask?
The first love language is the language of physical touch. Hugs, kisses, and snuggles all fall under the category of physical touch which includes all physical expressions of love. Most parents underestimate the importance of physical touch for children. Some parents may even be uncomfortable with touch, but children need it and even more so if this is their primary love language. Physical touch is a relatively easy and quick way to convey love. If your child’s primary love language is physical touch, a hug conveys love more than what saying “I love you” does.
The second is words of affirmation. A child who is filled by words of affirmation feels loved when affirmed. The language of encouragement is powerful for a child whose love language is words. Children need to hear that they are loved and important. They need to know their parents believe in what they are doing or that they are doing a good job. Words can convey love or something opposite. A word of caution for parents who like to criticize or frequently feel frustrated: if your child’s love language is words of affirmation and all he or she hears is criticism, frustration, or nagging, your child’s love tank is likely on empty.
The third love language is the language of quality time. Quality time means giving a child undivided attention and putting other concerns (work, responsibilities, bills, etcetera) aside. Quality time is about being together. With the hustle and bustle of today’s culture, quality time can be hard to find. This might mean sitting on the floor with your child to build a train track or intentionally scheduling a special outing to the park or a favorite restaurant. During quality time, it is important for cell phones to be put away. Nothing negates quality time more than a parent who is called away by the phone or distracted by some other responsibility. Schedule quality time into your week so that your child’s love tank stays off empty.
The fourth is gifts. Almost all children like to receive gifts, but if a child’s love language is this one, the response to the gift looks slightly different. For some children, receiving gifts from parents shows genuine care more so than reading a story together. Children with this love language tend to enjoy surprises and small treats and take great pleasure in both giving and receiving gifts. Giving gifts can be abused, and children can end up expecting some type of gift for every little occasion. Therefore, parents need to exercise caution when speaking this love language making sure to use the other languages to support this one.
The final love language is acts of service. Helping a child with a loving attitude communicates love more deeply in this category. Actions speak louder than words in this category. Children who primarily receive this love language are filled by acts of service such as helping out with chores, fixing a broken toy, or cooking meals. The goal of childhood is still to help your child develop into a responsible adult, so parents must exercise caution with this category making sure that they do not end up doing everything for the child. What is required with this category is careful consideration of a child’s request for help.
All five of the love languages are important, even when a person feels most loved with one or two of the above. Speaking all five love languages is important for well-rounded children, but paying special attention to their primary love language helps to keep the love-tank from running on empty. Understanding which language your child best receives can be difficult. Give it time and pay attention to the requests you hear from your child. Love languages are often conveyed through these requests. For example, a child who is filled by quality time might frequently ask the parents to read a story or spend time playing a game together or complain about the parents being too busy with work.
So in this month of love, how is it that you convey your love for those closest to you? If the primary way in which you give love is different from the way your child receives love, extra work must be done to ensure that a child not only hears he or she is loved but feels loved. If a child never receives her primary love language, she may end up going through life questioning whether or not her parents actually love her even though their words convey they do. Work on speaking the love language of your child, and pay attention to the difference that occurs in the relationship when your child’s love-tank is filled, and while this is not an easy task, growth in the relationship will occur with practice and time.
(For more in depth information on the five love languages, check out one of Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell’s books.)
By: Amanda Paben, LPC
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