Little Disciples

This week, Adrienne Kather has brought us a new perspective on the idea of disciplining.  For those feeling like they are constantly struggling with discipline at home, I trust this article will provide hope and encouragement.  Here is what Adrienne has to say:

What is the ultimate goal that we want for our kids? Think long term. Think future.  Big picture, the ultimate goal is that they would be healthy adults who have healthy relationships and are contributing members to society. I don’t know about you, but when I think about that as the ultimate goal, I feel a bit overwhelmed. How do we accomplish that goal? 

I think it might help if we start by creating a new way to see our kids (whether we’re the parent, teacher, counselor, or other significant adult figure). What if we saw them as little disciples? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary the origin of the word disciple is a word that means “pupil, student, follower” and that word is from a word that means “to learn, to take, accept…take hold of”. Kids may resist and reject the things we directly tell them, but from what I have observed, they are learning and taking hold of and absorbing (accepting) what we show them. That is what shapes them even more than what we directly tell them. In addition, what we say loses its meaning and influence when what we are doing does not match what we are saying; on the positive side, what we directly say gains meaning and influence when what we are doing does match what we are saying. Another related word to look at is discipline. It is common to think that discipline is referring to punishment (so common that Dictionary.com lists it as a synonym). However, the origin of the word discipline is the same as disciple, meaning it actually refers to teaching and training. Sometimes punishment is a part of training and teaching, but not always. 

I say all that because what we teach our kids is makes the long term goal possible. Just as any big overarching goal, it works best to break it down into smaller goals and tasks. There are two main smaller goals/tasks. First is to look for opportunities to teach our kids. Second is to examine our actions by asking ourselves “what do these actions teach my kids?” In order to do that successfully we have to be present yet future-minded at the same time. Future-minded in the sense that we remember the long term goal of helping our kids grow and develop into healthy adults. If we are thinking only of the present it can be too easy to get into the compliance mindset, thinking that our kids complying is the most important thing and maybe even thinking that we can’t teach them until they are complying. Yes, it is easier when our kids comply. But teaching and training opportunities are actually strongest in the midst of non-compliance. 

Let’s look at an example. Little Susie (let’s say 5 years old) is visiting a friend and doesn’t want to go home. Because she doesn’t want to go home, she is refusing to put her coat on. We identify this as a teaching opportunity. Either we can force little Susie to put her coat on or we can give little Susie a choice if she is going to wear her coat or not. 

Let’s examine the second option of giving her a choice. This is not simply giving in to little Susie when she first refuses to put on her coat – that would be missing the teaching and training opportunity. In fact, it would teach her that if she puts up a fight, she gets what she wants, which would create a little monster. That’s not what we want. Keeping in mind the long term goal of developing a healthy adult and the short term non-negotiable goal of leaving her friend’s house to go home, we realize that putting her coat on is negotiable. It is an opportunity to teach her how to use her voice in an appropriate way, an opportunity to teach her about choices, depending on her choice it will teach that there are natural consequences to her actions, it will teach her that although there are things she doesn’t have control over (she has to go home) there are also things she does have control over (will she wear her coat or not) thus maintaining her locus of control which in the future is very important to have in case an unsafe bigger person is trying to get her to do something bad. Not to mention it takes away her excuse to not leave her friend’s (because prior experience has taught her that leaving doesn’t happen without coat being on). 

So, what does it look like to make the second option a teaching opportunity rather than simply giving in? 

1. Validate her feelings. In the moment we might be thinking she is faking being upset, but let’s instead assume that she really is sad about having to leave her friend’s (which looks like an upset mess because her little 5 year old brain doesn’t always know how to identify and regulate emotion). You get a little below Susie’s eye level and compassionately say “I know you’re really sad you have to leave your friend’s house. [pause] It’s really hard when we have to leave our friends, isn’t it?” With one compassionate statement/question combo you taught her how to identify her emotion, that it’s okay to feel emotion, that her emotions matter, that you’ve seen and heard her and care about how she’s feeling, and showed how to express emotions appropriately. 
2. Integrate rationale thought. Explain that you all and her friend’s family now have other stuff they have to do and that they can play again another time. Here you’ve taught her that feelings aren’t final, that something happening now isn’t forever, and so instilled hope.
3. Offer a choice. If she is still refusing to put her coat on, say (still a little below her eye level)  “I’m sad we have to leave too. It’s cold outside, so I’d like you to wear your coat, but you can choose if you will wear your coat or not. Which would you like?” You’ve taught her she has choices and a locus of control, that there is an appropriate way to use her voice and that her voice is heard.
4. Allow natural consequences. If she chooses to not wear a coat, she will feel cold when she goes outside. Whether or not she reacts to the cold, she has learned that her choices have consequences and that you wanted her to wear a coat because you cared about her. Since she’s five, if she says she’s cold and wants her coat, stay away from power mode of keeping the coat and instead say “it is cold, you can have your coat; next time let’s put it on before leaving”. This teaches grace and compassion. If there is a next time of choosing no coat then you can let her know that if she chooses no coat, the coat stays with you until you get back home. This teaches that consequences match what we do, doing something multiple times expands the consequence. 

Does this take more time and energy than forcing little Susie to put her coat on? It does. And especially on particularly tiring and frustrating days can be a much more difficult option. But what it teaches and the connection that is maintained is worth it. Obviously different scenarios might look different in how they play out (although I think steps one and two can nearly always be applied before any other steps). Hopefully the example shows how what we teach is important, how what we show teaches even more than what we say, and that difficult moments are great teaching moments. Finally, let’s remember to have compassion and grace for ourselves as it isn’t possible to always utilize a teaching moment or always teach the right thing. 

By: Adrienne Kather, LPC

References

disciple. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved March 11, 2015, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disciple 

disciple. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved March 11, 2015, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disciple