Control, Part 2

In my last article (Control Part 1) I wrote about having a healthy sense of control while accepting the things we can’t control. Part of having a healthy sense of control is remembering that healthy control doesn’t need to take control or power from someone else – it doesn’t try to control other people. Part of accepting the things we can’t control (other people and some situations) is to remember that we always have control of our response. This article is a continuation of that by providing a basic test for whether we are overstepping control when dealing with other people. 

Test for Healthy Control  

In each example, I am only responsible for and can only control the arrow that extends from me for the line of the triangle that touches me (the green arrows). I am not responsible for, and should not try to control the line that does not touch me or originate with me (the red arrows) – if I do then I have tried to take control/power/responsibility of something that isn’t mine.

Healthy control realizes there are some things that we have control over and some things that we don’t. It causes us to take ownership for our interactions, responses, and growth. While we can speak into the lives of those who have given us permission to speak into them, healthy control does not overstep its bounds in either taking responsibility for things it is not responsible for or in doing things to make another person do or not do something. This means we can say what we think, feel, need and want, but accept the other person’s decision. In situations where their decision impacts us negatively, then we take control of our response and do what we need to keep ourselves safe or meet our need. Healthy control doesn’t need to take control from someone else. 

By Adrienne Kather, LPC