The Truth Hurts

The truth hurts but partial truths can sometimes hurt more in the long run.  The purpose of this article is to get you thinking about the way you have a conversation and/or argument with your spouse.  Does the way you word your feelings accurately reflect your true feelings on a situation?  Many times in marriages, for example, one spouse might decline to share their true feelings on a given subject because they are either afraid of hurting their spouse or are fearful that what they have to say might cause an argument.  The odd thing about not sharing our feelings in order to avoid hurt or arguments, is that the avoidance of such will 99 percent of the time lead to a bigger hurt or argument down the road.  Being honest in the moment will save time in the long run.

Accuracy is key though.  You can tell your husband that he's a dummy and though you might think that, it's not quite accurate to the feelings you are experiencing.  What does he do that makes you think he's a dummy?  How does what he do make you feel?  Name the emotion.  Google "list of emotions" to act as a guide for accuracy.  Instead of telling him that he's a dummy, share how what he did made you feel.  This allows us to avoid unnecessary arguments because instead of addressing what he did and how you feel, your argument will be about him being called a dummy.  You don't want to have that conversation, it's not going to get you where you want.  Address the emotions.  He will most likely be more responsive to you sharing that you felt alone or scared etc.  

The second thing that happens here is modeling.  You sharing your specific emotions and avoiding name calling, will model how a productive conversation can take place.  It will be an example of how to go about getting things off your chest in a healthy manner.  This will take time and I don't want to make it sound as simple as this is the one thing that will make everything better, but it can be added to your tool box as one of the many changes you are making. Keep checking out our blog for more great examples.  Seeking out a counselor can often times expedite the process.

By: Nicholas J. Smith, LCPC