If I were to ask you what your
most difficult age in life was, what would your answer be? I think for many of
us the answer would be the adolescent years (many developmental theorists
define as about age 11 through early to mid-20’s). So much is happening in that
time of life. Let’s go back and imagine it. You’re not a child anymore, but not
yet an adult. In some ways you’re still treated like a child, while in other
areas you are expected to act like an adult. You have the pressure of figuring
out what you’ll do after high school; if you’ll go to college or start working.
You’re trying to fit in and there are always those you don’t fit in with who seem to
make life difficult. Whether you realize it or not, you’re trying to become
your own person – trying on different “selves” in different situations, trying
different activities and groups of peers, figuring out what it is to be in
romantic relationships and navigating all that goes with that, trying to become
distinct from your parents and still be in relationship with them (which causes
great tension that you don’t understand!), asking who you are and who you are going
to be, what you believe, what your values are, and figuring out where your
worth comes from. Whew! Exhausting!
Aren’t you glad that time in life is over?!
Probably the next most
difficult time in life is being the parent of an adolescent. You were at one
time an adolescent, but your adolescent doesn’t seem to believe that is really
possible – or at least believes back then was so different you can’t possibly
understand what they’re experiencing now. And let’s be honest, the frontal lobe
of your brain is now fully developed (the frontal lobe is where executive
decision making happens and it finishes developing around the age of 25), so sometimes you really don’t understand some of the illogical
things your adolescent does, even if you know you did some illogical things as
an adolescent, too. Why on earth would it be funny to take the glass table top
off a patio table and throw it in a pond? Their frontal lobes aren’t fully
developed yet, so sometimes they don’t
make the most logical decisions. You see your adolescent not always making the
most logical decisions and fear grips you – he/she might do something harmful
to self or others, his/her groups of peers might do something harmful or cause
your adolescent to compromise values you’ve tried to instill, he/she might not
be as aware of surroundings and something harmful can happen. Sometimes those
things do happen (usually in small ways that feel gigantic to you) and you feel
guilty you weren’t there to protect, that you must not have done as good of a
job as you thought at instilling values, and feel guilt from others questioning
your parenting and personhood because of what happened. You see your adolescent
wanting more time with friends and more time alone and may feel rejected, not
to mention this increases the fear that you don’t know him/her as well or have
as much influence. You want him/her to become a healthy, happy, well-adjusted,
responsible adult able to contribute to society and are trying to help him/her
figure out who he/she is and mature so that this is possible. Whew! Exhausting!
When will this time in life be over?!
So, now the question is, how do
you navigate this time in life? One way is to find what the basic needs
displayed in each of the above paragraphs and how those needs can be met. What
needs do you have as a parent and what needs does your adolescent have? Below
are basic needs and you can use this list as a starting point to think of
additional ones specific to you and your adolescent. It strikes me how the
experience of the adolescent and the experience of the parent are interrelated.
The experience of the adolescent affects the parent and the experience of the
parent affects the adolescent and vice versa.
1. The parent needs to know the adolescent is safe. The adolescent needs
to individuate by bonding more with peers and experiencing new things. You
sense your adolescent distancing himself/herself from you and spending more
time alone and with friends and worry about safety, including the influences
he/she is experiencing. Your adolescent needs to develop a sense of self-distinction from you while staying attached to you. This includes needing to spend
more time alone and with friends and trying new things.
Remind yourself that you still
do have influence, and that it is important for your adolescent to experience
other influences. Discuss boundaries that allow for your need for safety to be
met while still allowing for your adolescent’s need for exploration and bonding
with peers to be met. Discuss how to speak up for oneself and basic safety
skills. Be a safe place for your adolescent to come to when something he/she is
unsure of does happen or when he/she does do something that is outside the
boundaries. This means listening, reflecting, and being understanding of his/her
experience and then calmly discussing what needs to happen if a boundary was
intentionally crossed.
2. The parent needs to know he/she is still connected to the
adolescent. The adolescent needs to individuate by spending more time with
peers and alone. The appearance of this
is the same as number one, but the heart of it is about relationships rather
than safety/influence. You need to know that you still have a relationship with
the adolescent, but often it feels as if the relationship is slipping away
because your adolescent is spending more time alone and with peers in order to
find and establish who he/she is as a person distinct from you.
Remind yourself that you still
matter and do still have relationship with your adolescent; it simply looks
different than it did when he/she was a child. The quantity of time together
may decrease (or at least may wax and wane), but you can increase the quality
of time that you do spend together. Listen for what is going on in your
adolescent’s life and engage in conversation about it when he/she is open for
conversation. If he/she starts to express frustration that you don’t
understand, explain that it might not make sense to you, but that you want to
hear about it because you care about him/her. When possible, do things with the
adolescent individually that he/she enjoys as well as having times that you can
do things as a family. In between those times, give space to be alone and with
friends.
3. The parent wants to be respected and appreciated. The adolescent wants
to be trusted and affirmed. You have done a lot for your adolescent. You
were everything and did everything for him/her during infancy through childhood
while allowing him/her to try new things and increase responsibility along the
way. You still do so much and are trying to understand where the adolescent is
and what he/she needs while trying to meet those needs and it is difficult. Sure,
mistakes have been made, but overall you are doing a great job in a difficult
time. You want all you do and experience and your position of parenthood to be
respected and appreciated. The adolescent has grown up a lot while taking on new
responsibilities and is still growing.
Sure, mistakes have been made, but
overall he/she is doing a great job in a difficult time. Your adolescent wants
to be trusted and wants you to affirm the good and growth in him/her.
Remind yourself that you are
respected and appreciated; it simply isn’t always expressed. Remember the
adolescent is learning how to form a solid sense of self-distinction from you –
learning how to say what he/she thinks, feels, needs and wants. Often this is
said with strong emotion that appears disrespectful or unappreciative, but in
reality is not intended to be. Often in these situations the adolescent is
actually expressing something related to wanting you to trust and/or affirm
him/her because it doesn’t feel like you are to him/her. Calmly reflect what you hear being said
and if possible also reflect the emotions being expressed by asking if that is what was
being said. You can then state your position and can determine if there can be
compromise or not. Be watching for opportunities to affirm growth and
character.
By recognizing your needs and your
adolescent’s needs, you actually accomplish meeting both. When you discuss
boundaries but allow time with peers and new experiences, you make room for
healthy individuation for your adolescent while still keeping him/her safe and
maintaining your influence. At the same time, when you allow your adolescent to
bond with peers and have time alone while making time you have together quality
time, you facilitate your relationship with your adolescent and (again) make
room for healthy individuation for your adolescent. As you display trust and
affirm growth and character in your adolescent (reminding yourself your adolescent
does respect and appreciate you even when it doesn’t feel like it) when this
time period is finished you will find you are respected and appreciated and
your adolescent will have become a distinct adult individual who maintains a solid relationship
with you.
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