There was an old episode of “The Dick Van Dyke” show where
Rob, the main character is trying to get married and he keeps saying “I Do?”
---- “I Don’t?” Note the question
marks. Ends up Rob is sick with a
severe case of bronchitis and can’t hear because his ears are all plug up. Nowadays it seems like that is how
marriage works, minus the bronchitis…”I do” followed by “I don’t.” It’s as if we’ve forgotten the true
nature and meaning of wedding vows.
Now they may vary slightly but the traditional vows are as follows:
"I, [speaker's name], take you,
[partner's name] for my lawful [wife/husband], to have and to hold, from this
day forward, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's
holy ordinance; and therefore I pledge thee my faith."
It’s as if we’ve forgotten or choose to forget the, for
better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or in health…till we are parted by
death. We’ve chosen to reword the
wedding vows. They tend to sound something like this:
I,
[speaker’s name], take you [partner’s name] for my lawful [husband/wife], to
have and to hold, from this day forward or until I deem that I no longer love
you, you change in any way that I don’t like or you lose your current financial
status or health. I then reserve
the right to terminate this commitment.
What Christians sometimes do not understand is that marriage
is a covenant (Malachi 2:14); it is more than just a commitment. It is a covenant between husband and
wife that says I take you and I pledge before God and these witnesses. It is not a covenant to be broken or
taken lightly. Having said that it
is certainly not always easy to live marriage out especially when the worse,
the poorer or the sickness creeps up.
What do we do?
Well here are a few things I’ve seen that can help couples keep their
covenant
1) Know
that what you have committed to is a covenant just like the covenants God made
to Noah, Moses, Abraham and David.
2) Remember
that we are to serve one another (Galatians 5:13, 1 Peter 4:10).
We often start relationships with the
expectation of, “What are you going to do for me?” This is not all bad but if we get stuck there, trouble
brews. We are called to serve and
if each partner was serving each other, imagine the kind of relationship that
could be built. If both partners
were considering the other’s need and serving each other, paradoxically, each
of their needs would be met.
3) Be
honest and take responsibility for yourself, your actions, thoughts and
choices.
We live in a world where
our default mode is to blame the other person. Pointing fingers only usually leads to circular arguments
that do not get resolved and have potential to become damaging.
4) Remember
that we are also called to love each other, love our neighbors and love our enemies.
This kind of love is not solely the
romantic or “you are so great!” kind of love. God calls us to love Him and then each other. Loving others including your spouse is
more of an action than a feeling. We
love well through our body language, the words we use and the tone in which these words are spoken. Love is patient, kind, not envious or boastful, irritable,
resentful or self-serving. Love comes
with healthy boundaries. We are not to be walked on or injured, but we are
called to this kind of love action, even when our spouse is the enemy and at
times they may be.
5) And lastly…Forbearance: refraining from
enforcing what you think your spouse has coming.
Lack of forbearance magnifies tension and conflict; it
builds walls in a marriage and makes us petty and peevish, it ultimately can sever
the relationship. According to Choosing
Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh Demoss, “Exercising forbearance in minor matters
is important practice for extending forgiveness in the bigger issues.” She feels that many conflicts and
issues that arise in a marriage could be averted, including divorce, if
forbearance was practiced within the marriage.
Forbearance is a by-product of love, the kind of love Paul
describes in 1 Corinthians 13:5-7,
“It
[love] does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but
rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Relationships are messy, including marriage. We have sold out to the happily ever
after ending and when it doesn’t happen, we get on our white horse and gallop
away. As messy as they can
be…marriage is a beautiful mess.
It is a place of safety, a place to love and be loved. Marriage is the kind of relationship
that often can bring out the worst in us but it allows God to make the best of
us. Happily ever after is loving
with all your heart and knowing that you are truly loved…
for better, for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death does part
you.
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