Fences

By Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Will you….?  You fill in the blank.  We get asked to do a multitude of things on any given day.  The question is how many times have you said “yes” to that kind of question, when you actually meant “no.”  As you were saying yes you heard everything in you screaming “no.”  No was really the answer because if you said yes that would mean that you were going to have to say no to something else that was actually very important or saying yes meant that you would be up till midnight or would be driving 20 miles out of your way using your gas.  Now sometimes we do choose to do these kinds of things for others and in and of themselves they may be harmless, helpful as well as loving and kind.  But sometimes we have no business saying yes and yet we do.

So if you are a “yes” man or woman then maybe you need to read on!  I’m a firm believer that everyone needs to have good boundaries in every area of their life.  Boundaries allow us and prevent us from saying “yes” when we mean something different, often that something different is “no.”  So just what is a boundary?  The first thing that comes to mind is a fence.  When my daughter was about 2 years old and started toddling around we put up a fence that outlined our back property.  The fence had three locked gates.  Any time she went out to play I felt safe that she would not get out.  As she got older and I was able to leave her for a moment or two I felt I could safely leave her in the backyard.  What it did was keep my little girl in and the bad out.  In many ways this is exactly what boundaries do within relationships.  They protect us; we know where we end and someone else begins because there is a clear property line. 

According to Cloud and Townsend a boundary is what defines us.  Most of our neighbors have a fence of some kind so the property lines are very clear, but have you ever been in a neighborhood where they are no fences?  Maybe you live in a neighborhood like this.  Now there is nothing wrong with not having a fence, I might have not bothered with a fence had it not been for my daughter.   The one drawback to not having a fence is that property lines can get blurry.  We lived in our home for several years before the fence went up.  Trees were planted.  Flowerbeds were put in, on what we thought was our property.  Yeah, you guessed it: we were a little off.  Now the good news was that we have great neighbors and I was ok with losing a flowerbed.   The reality was that it could have turned out very different.

Knowing where your property ends and another’s begins gives you a sense of freedom; freedom to plant and grow and nurture your lawn.  Freedom comes in knowing where you end and another person begins.  So you may be asking…freedom?  What do you mean?  What I mean is that your "yes" needs to be as trustworthy as your "no."  When you tell someone, "yes I can do that", it needs to be true and authentically sincere, not coming from a place of fear.  Likewise you need to be able to have a confident "no" and not fear the outcome.  Freedom comes because you need not be resentful or guilty. 

Having good boundaries can build strong, trusting relationships.  When you are in a relationship with someone who has healthy boundaries you know where you stand.  Let me explain.  Have you ever asked someone to do something for you and they did, only to find out later that they ended up getting really upset with you?  What if we flipped that scenario?  Have you ever been asked to do something, you did it, only to become resentful that it took so much time out of your day when you really didn’t have it?  Worse we then feel guilty about feeling resentful and kick ourselves for saying yes.  Making a firm promise that you will never do that again only to turn around and do it the next time they ask?  Well if this is you, you are not alone.  We all find ourselves from time to time saying yes to people wishing we had had the courage to say no, but this should be the exception, not the rule.

No boundaries or poor boundaries drain us, discourage us and ultimately allow people to walk on us knowingly and unknowingly.  We are left defenseless just like I felt my daughter would be in a yard without a fence.  The fence gave her protection. 

The good news is there is hope!  Hope comes in the form of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.  Having power to say things like:

·       “No”

·       “I don’t agree”

·       “It’s wrong”

·       “Stop that”

·       “I don’t like when you do that”

These types of responses can keep us safe. Ultimately our relationships are enhanced because we begin to weed out the boundary violators in our lives: those who resist our boundaries, break down our fences or consistency by trying to enter a locked gate uninvited.  Those who respect our new boundaries have a new found trust in the relationship as well as freedom.  It is freedom to be who we each are and freedom to discuss openly what each is thinking, even if you disagree.  It is a safe place to be when we learn that we are responsible to people not for people.