Reflections on Being Real from the Velveteen Rabbit

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

   

   Recently some friends were criticizing the use of phrases related to being real. I found myself having an overly negative response (internally) to their statements and had to ask myself why it bothered me so much. It wasn’t just that I love phrases related to being real or that I use those phrases quite a bit. As I ruminated, I remembered both a book I read interpreting Margery William’s children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit as well as all I learned in psychology classes about the differences between how we portray ourselves (and why) versus being who we are and becoming who we are created to be. As I write this I realize the reason why it bothered me so much is that being real is exactly what (I believe) all people struggle with and that struggle is what causes so much of our angst.

   Although the theories of self might use different key words or expound in slightly different ways, all of them have one thing in common – there is a struggle between who we think we should be and who we really are at the moment and are becoming. I like Carl Rogers' theory best. He explains we all have a self-concept, which is how we see ourselves; a real self, which is the self that we are meant to and will become if we continue to grow; and the ideal self, which is a self that is essentially perfect and unattainable.

   

   There is too much for each of these aspects to discuss in this post, but there are some key things to understand. The self-concept (perceived self) that we have can be accurate or inaccurate. Because of the dissonance/angst caused when what we do doesn’t match what we think we should be, we create masks and justifications that sometimes prevent us from having an accurate perception of the self or displaying our real self. The real self has inherent in its definition that this is something that is already somewhere inside the person that they, over time with the right factors, develops into actual being (the actualized self), while at the same time has an essence of where the person is at this moment not fully actualized. The ideal self is made of expectations the person has absorbed from life experiences, both situational and relational.

   Okay, enough of theory. The point is there is a war is between the real and the ideal selves. Variations of the following question are central in this war: Is it okay to be who I am; Will I be loved and accepted for who I am, where I am, imperfections and all? Victory in the war means coming to truly believe we are okay with who and where we are and therefore are able to be real and become who we were created to become. How do we come to believe that? How do we become who we are created to become? It is through the healing and growing process of sanctification which necessitates experiencing love and acceptance where we’re at. Again, too much to flesh out in this post, but below are a few excerpts from the book I mentioned in the beginning, to get a taste of what this means and how to get there.

“While he longed to fit in with his peers, the Rabbit hoped even more to become special to the Boy.” The Skin Horse comforted the Rabbit saying the Boy will love him and this love will eventually make him Real. “To paraphrase the horse, Real is what happens when you become your true self – not a contrived, shiny, pretend thing – and are loved despite, and maybe even because of, your imperfections.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, xi-xii)

“Becoming Real …is living in the moment with the deepest respect for yourself and for others. It is a way of thinking that allows us to express ourselves and experience life…with grace, kindness and integrity.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, 13)

“But when you are Real, the quest for meaning is central to your life. It leads you to nurture your own values, interests and passions and to connect with others in empathetic and positive relationships. This doesn’t happen without some effort. A Real life demands your active participation…Real doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect at anything. It means that you’re willing to grow and learn through experience.”  (Raiten-D’Antonio, 185)

   

   Raiten-D’Antonio’s book shows how Real is possible, a process, emotional, empathetic, courageous, honest, generous, grateful, can be painful, flexible, ethical, and real love endures (partial table of contents). It makes sense to me that it would be all these things in the midst of a world whose values are turned upside down and by the very nature of being part of this world we all have obtained wounds. Scripturally, this process of becoming Real is the healing and growing process of sanctification. It is a process in which we surrender to God’s transforming work within us while partnering with Him in that work through steps leading to healing and growth and allowing safe people to show us the love He has for us.

Reference

Raiten-D’Antonio, T. The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real. (2004). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.