Fences

By Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Will you….?  You fill in the blank.  We get asked to do a multitude of things on any given day.  The question is how many times have you said “yes” to that kind of question, when you actually meant “no.”  As you were saying yes you heard everything in you screaming “no.”  No was really the answer because if you said yes that would mean that you were going to have to say no to something else that was actually very important or saying yes meant that you would be up till midnight or would be driving 20 miles out of your way using your gas.  Now sometimes we do choose to do these kinds of things for others and in and of themselves they may be harmless, helpful as well as loving and kind.  But sometimes we have no business saying yes and yet we do.

So if you are a “yes” man or woman then maybe you need to read on!  I’m a firm believer that everyone needs to have good boundaries in every area of their life.  Boundaries allow us and prevent us from saying “yes” when we mean something different, often that something different is “no.”  So just what is a boundary?  The first thing that comes to mind is a fence.  When my daughter was about 2 years old and started toddling around we put up a fence that outlined our back property.  The fence had three locked gates.  Any time she went out to play I felt safe that she would not get out.  As she got older and I was able to leave her for a moment or two I felt I could safely leave her in the backyard.  What it did was keep my little girl in and the bad out.  In many ways this is exactly what boundaries do within relationships.  They protect us; we know where we end and someone else begins because there is a clear property line. 

According to Cloud and Townsend a boundary is what defines us.  Most of our neighbors have a fence of some kind so the property lines are very clear, but have you ever been in a neighborhood where they are no fences?  Maybe you live in a neighborhood like this.  Now there is nothing wrong with not having a fence, I might have not bothered with a fence had it not been for my daughter.   The one drawback to not having a fence is that property lines can get blurry.  We lived in our home for several years before the fence went up.  Trees were planted.  Flowerbeds were put in, on what we thought was our property.  Yeah, you guessed it: we were a little off.  Now the good news was that we have great neighbors and I was ok with losing a flowerbed.   The reality was that it could have turned out very different.

Knowing where your property ends and another’s begins gives you a sense of freedom; freedom to plant and grow and nurture your lawn.  Freedom comes in knowing where you end and another person begins.  So you may be asking…freedom?  What do you mean?  What I mean is that your "yes" needs to be as trustworthy as your "no."  When you tell someone, "yes I can do that", it needs to be true and authentically sincere, not coming from a place of fear.  Likewise you need to be able to have a confident "no" and not fear the outcome.  Freedom comes because you need not be resentful or guilty. 

Having good boundaries can build strong, trusting relationships.  When you are in a relationship with someone who has healthy boundaries you know where you stand.  Let me explain.  Have you ever asked someone to do something for you and they did, only to find out later that they ended up getting really upset with you?  What if we flipped that scenario?  Have you ever been asked to do something, you did it, only to become resentful that it took so much time out of your day when you really didn’t have it?  Worse we then feel guilty about feeling resentful and kick ourselves for saying yes.  Making a firm promise that you will never do that again only to turn around and do it the next time they ask?  Well if this is you, you are not alone.  We all find ourselves from time to time saying yes to people wishing we had had the courage to say no, but this should be the exception, not the rule.

No boundaries or poor boundaries drain us, discourage us and ultimately allow people to walk on us knowingly and unknowingly.  We are left defenseless just like I felt my daughter would be in a yard without a fence.  The fence gave her protection. 

The good news is there is hope!  Hope comes in the form of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.  Having power to say things like:

·       “No”

·       “I don’t agree”

·       “It’s wrong”

·       “Stop that”

·       “I don’t like when you do that”

These types of responses can keep us safe. Ultimately our relationships are enhanced because we begin to weed out the boundary violators in our lives: those who resist our boundaries, break down our fences or consistency by trying to enter a locked gate uninvited.  Those who respect our new boundaries have a new found trust in the relationship as well as freedom.  It is freedom to be who we each are and freedom to discuss openly what each is thinking, even if you disagree.  It is a safe place to be when we learn that we are responsible to people not for people.  

The T Factor: Rebuilding After Burnout

By Nicholas Smith, LPC

   One of the most frustrating things about doing God's work comes from the fact that we humans at some point, must take a break.  We read verses that say things like, "In your weakness, I am strong." It makes us think that since we feel overwhelmed and tired, that God is using us in some huge way.  But using this verse and others like it to draw these sort of conclusions, my friends, is a misapplication of those scriptures.

   When we look at Christ's ministry, we often see him retreating or even napping at moments when it appears as though his words and actions would produce great change in the lives of those present.  However, Jesus seems to know that in a human body, there are limits.  After teaching for hours and hours, he required rest and solitude.  I'll say that a different way; Jesus, God in flesh, needed to step away from "ministry," step away from the crowds and followers, in order to rest.  Why did he do this?  To protect his most valuable asset to his ministry: himself.

   There is no shame in taking time for your own rest; Christ modeled that for us.  Here at Heritage we understand, through our own experiences in Lay Ministry work, that it's easy to become burnt out and overwhelmed in ministerial roles, especially when that isn't your full time job.  To address this, we have created a group to give you the tools to work through burnout and become even more effective in your ministry.

   If you feel this group might be something you need, we ask that you would prayerfully consider it.  

   Stay tuned into the blog for more information coming shortly!

Reflections on Being Real from the Velveteen Rabbit

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

   

   Recently some friends were criticizing the use of phrases related to being real. I found myself having an overly negative response (internally) to their statements and had to ask myself why it bothered me so much. It wasn’t just that I love phrases related to being real or that I use those phrases quite a bit. As I ruminated, I remembered both a book I read interpreting Margery William’s children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit as well as all I learned in psychology classes about the differences between how we portray ourselves (and why) versus being who we are and becoming who we are created to be. As I write this I realize the reason why it bothered me so much is that being real is exactly what (I believe) all people struggle with and that struggle is what causes so much of our angst.

   Although the theories of self might use different key words or expound in slightly different ways, all of them have one thing in common – there is a struggle between who we think we should be and who we really are at the moment and are becoming. I like Carl Rogers' theory best. He explains we all have a self-concept, which is how we see ourselves; a real self, which is the self that we are meant to and will become if we continue to grow; and the ideal self, which is a self that is essentially perfect and unattainable.

   

   There is too much for each of these aspects to discuss in this post, but there are some key things to understand. The self-concept (perceived self) that we have can be accurate or inaccurate. Because of the dissonance/angst caused when what we do doesn’t match what we think we should be, we create masks and justifications that sometimes prevent us from having an accurate perception of the self or displaying our real self. The real self has inherent in its definition that this is something that is already somewhere inside the person that they, over time with the right factors, develops into actual being (the actualized self), while at the same time has an essence of where the person is at this moment not fully actualized. The ideal self is made of expectations the person has absorbed from life experiences, both situational and relational.

   Okay, enough of theory. The point is there is a war is between the real and the ideal selves. Variations of the following question are central in this war: Is it okay to be who I am; Will I be loved and accepted for who I am, where I am, imperfections and all? Victory in the war means coming to truly believe we are okay with who and where we are and therefore are able to be real and become who we were created to become. How do we come to believe that? How do we become who we are created to become? It is through the healing and growing process of sanctification which necessitates experiencing love and acceptance where we’re at. Again, too much to flesh out in this post, but below are a few excerpts from the book I mentioned in the beginning, to get a taste of what this means and how to get there.

“While he longed to fit in with his peers, the Rabbit hoped even more to become special to the Boy.” The Skin Horse comforted the Rabbit saying the Boy will love him and this love will eventually make him Real. “To paraphrase the horse, Real is what happens when you become your true self – not a contrived, shiny, pretend thing – and are loved despite, and maybe even because of, your imperfections.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, xi-xii)

“Becoming Real …is living in the moment with the deepest respect for yourself and for others. It is a way of thinking that allows us to express ourselves and experience life…with grace, kindness and integrity.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, 13)

“But when you are Real, the quest for meaning is central to your life. It leads you to nurture your own values, interests and passions and to connect with others in empathetic and positive relationships. This doesn’t happen without some effort. A Real life demands your active participation…Real doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect at anything. It means that you’re willing to grow and learn through experience.”  (Raiten-D’Antonio, 185)

   

   Raiten-D’Antonio’s book shows how Real is possible, a process, emotional, empathetic, courageous, honest, generous, grateful, can be painful, flexible, ethical, and real love endures (partial table of contents). It makes sense to me that it would be all these things in the midst of a world whose values are turned upside down and by the very nature of being part of this world we all have obtained wounds. Scripturally, this process of becoming Real is the healing and growing process of sanctification. It is a process in which we surrender to God’s transforming work within us while partnering with Him in that work through steps leading to healing and growth and allowing safe people to show us the love He has for us.

Reference

Raiten-D’Antonio, T. The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real. (2004). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.