Acceptance

Accepting the difficult things that come our way are difficult.  Whether self inflicted or otherwise, we all have situations in life that come up and they are simply not fair.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this week's article.  She does a great job bringing some perspective to the concept of acceptance.  Here is what she has to say:

What do we do when things don’t go our way?  When life doesn’t turn out the way you planned or when your hopes fade away or are shattered?   I’m thinking that as you read further you are hoping to find a concise answer, one that will make sense.  The one that explains everything in a way that you walk away and go “Oh, that makes sense now.”  I have an answer, you may not like it initially but give it chance.  

 

Years ago I came across a few wise words of advice or wisdom whichever you prefer in either case I didn’t like them one bit.  The first was this:  Life is Not Fair and if that wasn’t bad enough the second was Acceptance is the Answer to Life.  

 

Somewhere along the line I had this concept that life was fair and I just was not the lucky recipient of fairness and so time and time again I felt beaten down, although I didn’t like the whole idea of life not being fair, as it kind of burst my bubble, it helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  We are not alone in this life.  You are not the only one going through whatever it is that you are going through…life is sometimes not fair and not just for you but for everyone.  They might not be talking about it or outright lying about their lives, but unfairness is an equal opportunist.

 

The second part was a much bigger piece to swallow.  Acceptance, I mean what the heck kind of answer is that, and then I read this:

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (p. 449 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

Over the years I have gone back to this reading again and again, usually when I am disturbed about some person, place, thing or situation in my life.  My stumbling block is acceptance.  Non-acceptance like unforgiveness can appear justifiable but in the end may only harm us.  So what do I mean by this.  Well maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

 

• Your child comes and tells you they are gay.

• Your spouse leaves

• You lose your job

• Someone you love dies

• Your child or yourself gets a below average grade or review

• Your neighbors are loud

• You don’t have the car you want due to finances

 

The list is endless, but I think you get the point.  So what’s on your list?  The list of unacceptable.  You may not even know you have one but we all do, at one time in our life or another, we all have a list.  You can continue to fight it and try and control it, try and change it but if you have chosen this path you know the usual outcome, it’s usually more frustration and needing to control a situation that you simply cannot change.  We think we can, but in reality, there are some situations that we cannot change.

 

So like forgiveness we make a choice to accept it.  Now having said this let’s make a distinction between acceptance and liking something.  When you chose to accept something it does not mean you like it, you don’t have to like it to accept it.  This may be a new concept to some but acceptance doesn’t initially involve liking the situation, just as choosing to forgive does not mean that the other person gets off the hook.

 

This may be a huge concept for some people because we tend to label some situations as unacceptable and to our human mind and experience they initially can be unacceptable.  Ten years ago I lost my infant son.  The whole situation seemed unacceptable but his death was what really got me steeped in unacceptance, everywhere my mind turned I was caught in this maze of dead ends always coming back to “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

Part of this was going through the grief and loss experience and normal, but I also knew that it would become more if I continued to live in this place, and so I did what I thought was unthinkable…I accepted his death…Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my son’s death, I could not move forward; unless I accepted life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy. I needed to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

Accepting did not mean I liked it, far from it, but what it did mean was that I stopped asking God “why?”  I began to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake including my son’s death.  Accepting did not give me all the answers I wanted or desired but it did give what I needed and still need ten years later…peace and the ability to move forward.  Life is not fair and acceptance is the answer.  

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW