Acceptance

Accepting the difficult things that come our way are difficult.  Whether self inflicted or otherwise, we all have situations in life that come up and they are simply not fair.  Cindy O'Donnell is the author of this week's article.  She does a great job bringing some perspective to the concept of acceptance.  Here is what she has to say:

What do we do when things don’t go our way?  When life doesn’t turn out the way you planned or when your hopes fade away or are shattered?   I’m thinking that as you read further you are hoping to find a concise answer, one that will make sense.  The one that explains everything in a way that you walk away and go “Oh, that makes sense now.”  I have an answer, you may not like it initially but give it chance.  

 

Years ago I came across a few wise words of advice or wisdom whichever you prefer in either case I didn’t like them one bit.  The first was this:  Life is Not Fair and if that wasn’t bad enough the second was Acceptance is the Answer to Life.  

 

Somewhere along the line I had this concept that life was fair and I just was not the lucky recipient of fairness and so time and time again I felt beaten down, although I didn’t like the whole idea of life not being fair, as it kind of burst my bubble, it helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  We are not alone in this life.  You are not the only one going through whatever it is that you are going through…life is sometimes not fair and not just for you but for everyone.  They might not be talking about it or outright lying about their lives, but unfairness is an equal opportunist.

 

The second part was a much bigger piece to swallow.  Acceptance, I mean what the heck kind of answer is that, and then I read this:

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (p. 449 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

Over the years I have gone back to this reading again and again, usually when I am disturbed about some person, place, thing or situation in my life.  My stumbling block is acceptance.  Non-acceptance like unforgiveness can appear justifiable but in the end may only harm us.  So what do I mean by this.  Well maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

 

• Your child comes and tells you they are gay.

• Your spouse leaves

• You lose your job

• Someone you love dies

• Your child or yourself gets a below average grade or review

• Your neighbors are loud

• You don’t have the car you want due to finances

 

The list is endless, but I think you get the point.  So what’s on your list?  The list of unacceptable.  You may not even know you have one but we all do, at one time in our life or another, we all have a list.  You can continue to fight it and try and control it, try and change it but if you have chosen this path you know the usual outcome, it’s usually more frustration and needing to control a situation that you simply cannot change.  We think we can, but in reality, there are some situations that we cannot change.

 

So like forgiveness we make a choice to accept it.  Now having said this let’s make a distinction between acceptance and liking something.  When you chose to accept something it does not mean you like it, you don’t have to like it to accept it.  This may be a new concept to some but acceptance doesn’t initially involve liking the situation, just as choosing to forgive does not mean that the other person gets off the hook.

 

This may be a huge concept for some people because we tend to label some situations as unacceptable and to our human mind and experience they initially can be unacceptable.  Ten years ago I lost my infant son.  The whole situation seemed unacceptable but his death was what really got me steeped in unacceptance, everywhere my mind turned I was caught in this maze of dead ends always coming back to “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

Part of this was going through the grief and loss experience and normal, but I also knew that it would become more if I continued to live in this place, and so I did what I thought was unthinkable…I accepted his death…Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my son’s death, I could not move forward; unless I accepted life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy. I needed to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

Accepting did not mean I liked it, far from it, but what it did mean was that I stopped asking God “why?”  I began to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake including my son’s death.  Accepting did not give me all the answers I wanted or desired but it did give what I needed and still need ten years later…peace and the ability to move forward.  Life is not fair and acceptance is the answer.  

By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Our Own Private Opinion

“Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion."

Excerpt From: Henry David Thoreau. “Walden.” 

Imagine for a second if you are told one of the following phrases:  "You are worthless." "Nobody will ever love you." You probably would be highly offended and rightfully so.  In our society, these are not things you tell someone you value a friendship with, and you don't say these things even to complete strangers, unless you are looking to increase your chances of getting a black eye!  But these two phrases, despite their hurtful nature, are not uncommon things that we mutter to ourselves, sometimes without even taking notice.

The hurtful things we tell ourselves on a daily basis can have incredibly negative effects on our emotional state.  Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings.  The effects of negative thinking can leave one feeling depressed or anxious, depending on the specific thoughts and the specific individual.  The correlation between the thoughts we have and how those thoughts make us feel have been studied for many years now. The result of these studies are that improving our thinking can improve how we feel emotionally.

Sometimes identifying our negative thoughts can be tricky.  This is where the benefit of seeking a professional counselor comes in.  For some, the knowledge of specific thoughts are obvious but the knowledge of how to confront these thoughts is where it gets difficult.  For example, let's say that your negative thought was, "I am worthless."  You would need to challenge this thought by giving yourself examples and reasons why this is not true.  After you have compiled your evidence that challenges your negative thought, then it is time to replace you thought with a more accurate one.

As humans we go to extremes, as odd as it is, because it's simpler for our minds.  This is why mildly hurtful events can turn into devastations.  If a friend is harsh with you, it might be that he/she was having a hard day and not because "you are a worthless friend," as your mind might have you believe.  Challenging and replacing negative thoughts and replacing them with more accurate ones is key to maintaining emotional stability.  If you are finding this difficult, please don't hesitate to see a professional counselor. 

By: Nicholas Smith, MA, LPC

The Value of a Period in Resolving Conflict

Welcome!  Today Scott Hendrickson brings to us a great article on conflict resolution.  Conflicts are part of life, they are inevitable.  Sometimes we mistake the goal in dealing with a conflict as being the avoidance of them.  The goal should not be to avoid conflicts, just to learn ways to more effectively cope with them.  Here is what Scott has to say:

We were all taught in elementary school at the end of every sentence we place a period. We were told to avoid run-on sentences. The period serves either as a pause to distinguish between the next sentence and thought as well as the end of the story. Now I am by no means a grammartician but I believe there is something really useful here to help you reduce the length and intensity of your conflicts. In our confrontations, sometimes what maintains the fight is the lack of a period. 

It makes sense that we repeat ourselves in escalating fashion as we fight. We are angry so we have lots of energy to deal with. Probably we don't feel listened to or hurt and need to talk it out. If someone doesn't understand or agree it is the natural thing to keep pounding away with what we believe the truth. When we don't know what else to do we do what we know and what comes instinctively. 

There are some problems with giving way to our old fighting habits however. For one, it doesn't seem to be effective. I don't remember too many people coming to see me who were satisfied with the outcome of these arguments. Here are a few points to consider to help bring your fights to a close. 

Bad habits that keep us from being heard...

• Lecturing (run-on sentences) keeps a person on the defensive therefore minimizing insight. The more you yell, lecture or repeat your unresolved complaint, the more your target audience (spouse, child, coworker, IT consultant, etc) tries to defend herself. When a person is defensive, it is almost impossible to see another perspective.
• Redundancy communicates your stupid or you are not listening and maintains defenses (see first bullet point). It also says I have little intention of hearing your side. If you are looking to simply blow off some angry steam this might work briefly but after your rant your listener might have his ears plugged with little motivation to hear or validate your complaint.
• Pounding away at your point over and over also says, "you are going to do it my way or see it my way or else!" Sorry but this is controlling. This is a hard point but if you don't allow for the other person's disagreement you will be hard pressed to actually achieve genuine agreement. From a negotiating stand point alone, if one of the parties has no intention of moving from his/her position he/she is not negotiating in good faith. Any healthy relationship has the built-in expectation of differences and accepts this.

Better habits...

• Use a simple 3 part "I statement" with a period (don't forget the period). Part one: I feel... (insert an actual feeling word here: an emotion). Part two: when you... (insert the other persons behavior succinctly summarized). Part three:  because... (insert the consequences or ramifications of the other person's behavior). Again, don't forget the period or pause after your "I statement". Let the person respond. They might be defensive, clueless or turn it back on you or they might listen and attend to your feelings.
• If they become defensive or they discount your statement, follow up with "I hear what you are saying, nonetheless, that is how I feel". Avoid the urge to be defensive yourself. The point is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. Remember that repeating yourself doesn't increase the chances you will be understood or validated BUT does reduce the chances of effective conflict resolution
• The reason for the "I statement" is to communicate how the other person's behavior affects you. By not belaboring your point or complaint you give this person more freedom to listen and understand you. Yes, he or she can reject you as well but long-term by giving him freedom to choose without the need to be defensive she will be more and more open to your point of view.

A period raises the possibility for introspection therefore learning. A period says I respect your feelings which is what I want in return. A period gives you an exit out of your anger and conflict to understanding and deeper intimacy. 

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC