Do you ever find yourself feeling unheard? Have you ever thought you provided great advice only for it to fall on seemingly deaf ears? Oftentimes the problem is due to a lack of influence on your part. There are always going to be people in your life that will not be influenced by you no matter how impressive your advice is. In these cases, it’s best just to accept that that is the way THEY are. For everybody else, there is still a significant challenge to be consistently heard when you share concerns or advice. However, with this group of people, there are sound strategies that will help increase your ability to influence them when needed. Here are some components to think about when developing your strategies to be more influential.
There are a few reasons people don’t hear or follow through on great advice. Perhaps the bigger ones have something to do with trust and/or safety. A not-to-influenceable person might simply have good boundaries and because of some already completed thought-work have made up his or her mind. Others might not trust you or believe you are a safe person to listen to. This might not be due to what you have done but more because of that person’s past. Because of certain experiences from our past we either raise a shield to keep people out or we are open to a variety of feedback from others. The higher a person’s defenses the less likely they will allow outside feedback.
It is always a good idea to evaluate how defensive someone is. If a person seems defensive and you come along and accuse them of being defensive, the end result is probably going to be defensiveness about being defensive. The harder you push, the higher the walls. Save your energy. Find ways to ease the perceived threat. Escalating verbal arguments are not only going to be counterproductive but damaging to whatever trust/safety factor there was. When I sense someone is being defensive, I will in fact check with them by stating something like, ‘you seem a bit defensive with what I am saying, is that true?’ If they deny being defensive, it might be true. Be prepared to accept that your initial evaluation was off. If you are still convinced of this person’s defensiveness, it’s time for a different strategy.
Don’t rush. Building trust and safety takes time. You can make progress in one conversation simply by showing respect and patience for a person. I encourage you to see building trust and safety as more of a long-term process however. Think of it like applying paint. The thicker you apply it, the more likely the finish will be bad. Spreading in thinner coats takes time. The first coat will look unfinished (because it is unfinished). Sometimes there is a need for primer with sanding and prep work before you get to the first or next coat. Each patient application improves the finish but you might need several coats. My dad used to paint cars in his business and I remember some paints required more than eight separate coats of paint with fine sanding between them. Every time you provide an interaction that is safe and trustworthy, it is a coat of paint. Layer on many more until you have a solid (and shiny) covering of trust and safety.
Trustworthiness requires consistency. If you are patient, truthful and respectful 70 times in a row and then have one angry outburst or one critical and sarcastic moment, your trust will take a hit. Here are some traits that will sabotage your trust and safety work: abrasiveness, dishonesty, shaming, accusing, rejecting, gossip or a loose tongue, excessive volume (they might think you are shouting even if you don’t think you are), etc. I am sure you could add a few more traits to this list. As you evaluate someone you are trying to influence for defensiveness you will notice some of your own traits that promote defensiveness. Be willing to learn from these personal self-observations. It will help you develop influence with more and more people.
On the flip side there are also certain traits that promote hearing. Here is a starter list for you to consider: caring, thoughtful, make people laugh, knowledgeable, strong and integral faith, empathy, gentle, passionate, consistent and present. These traits expressed consistently over months and years will undoubtedly grow your influence over that same span of time. Openness to your thoughts and expressions might not be possible with a particular person after a week or a month or even this year but again, consistently being safe and trustworthy raises your chances while lowering any person’s defenses at the same time (with time of course).
By: Scott Hendrickson, LCPC
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