Grief & Loss During the Holidays

By Nicole Majka, LCPC

'Tis the season to be thankful, jolly and joyous. TV and radio have been playing Christmas music for weeks, newspaper and magazine ads have been blasting Black Friday specials. Thanksgiving is in a few days; three weeks later we have Christmas and New Years. What happens however, when you are grieving the loss of a loved one this year? In the course of my career I have worked with many individuals who have lost parents, children, sisters, spouses and dear friends. In my own life I have a friend who lost her spouse, a parent, one who lost her son and another who lost her daughter this year. In my own life, I lost my Grandmother on Christmas Eve many years ago along with multiple cousins and very close friends over the years.

            Grief and loss can make the holiday season painful and enhance feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I have often wished I could skip Thanksgiving through New Years to avoid the pain and sadness I experience and witness during the holidays. The first year of any major loss is difficult. All of the firsts; anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays are emotionally charged. Feelings can range from sadness, depression and loneliness to anger.  Each of us grieves differently and in our own time and way.

In my years of practice, when I have encountered a client who has experienced a loss I have been asked over and over, “How do I cope”, “How can I survive this”? Those are very good questions. However, there is no easy answer. There are several ways in which I answer those questions.

First, allow yourself to feel. I have clients who try to be strong and don’t allow others including those closest to them to know how much they are struggling. Holding in your emotions can lead to physical illness, depression, poor concentration and abuse of alcohol, food or other substances.  Allow yourself to cry or be angry; your feelings are normal and can fluctuate from day to day. Be with people who are loving and supportive. Others may be unable to fully understand your loss, but being with another person who can lend an ear or give a comforting hug can reduce feelings of isolation and aloneness.

Second, talk about your loved one. Don’t pretend your loss didn’t happen or avoid talking about it due to concerns of upsetting others. Loss can be the “big pink elephant in room,” everyone knows it’s there but doesn’t acknowledge it. Share favorite memories and moments or photos and home movies. Laugh and cry as you remember.  Jesus meant for us to be in community with one another. Sharing your memories with others will help ease your pain.

Third, allow yourself some time. You may not be ready to attend holiday parties or be the host. Don’t pressure yourself to put on a happy face. Attend functions if you want to, but also give yourself permission to leave if you feel overwhelmed.  Others hopefully will understand, but you don’t need to explain if they do not. Be real by honoring yourself and your feelings.

Loss will forever change you and your family. I’ve witnessed individuals and families self-destruct over their grief when not handled and addressed. Grief is a process that will take time. No one will ever fill your loved one’s spot at the holiday table. Creating new traditions will help, yet remembering the absence is also important. One tradition in my family is to light a candle on Christmas Eve for those whom we’ve lost. Other suggestions include writing letters, placing a photograph or a stuffed animal with a favorite shirt or sports jersey in an empty chair. I’ve also had clients release helium balloons with letters attached to reach their loved one in heaven. 

Grief and loss are difficult regardless of when they occur. However, they tend to be more difficult during the holidays. Always remember we have a heavenly father who is ever present and near. The Bible is filled with scripture on grief and loss. Think of Mary who witnessed Jesus being crucified on the cross or David crying out to the Lord in the Psalms. The following are a sample of many scriptures that address loss: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Psalm 147:3, Psalm 23, Ecclesiastes 3:1-14, John 3:16, Psalm 56:8, Matthew 11:28-30, Philippians 4:6-8, Matthew 5:4, Isaiah 40:31 and Psalm 31:9-10 among others. 

Our Heavenly Father is our ultimate comforter who never leaves nor forsakes us. Often times, myself included, I have been angry with God for taking a loved one. It’s ok to be angry with God; He can handle your anger!  God will give you the grace to have your anger and pain. If it’s too difficult to pray, have others pray for you. Always remember there is healing in community. If you are experiencing a loss, as I am this year, remember no one heals in isolation. Reach out, have your feelings, talk about your loss and seek professional help if you are having difficulties especially if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or are unable to function. May the Lord Bless you during this holiday season, especially if you are missing a loved one. May you also find comfort in your memories and belief you will see your loved one again.